The Evil Seat Saver

Dear Diary …

Have you ever been in a crowded restaurant that doesn’t have servers? So … you know … it’s a place where you go up and order your food, and then go find a seat. Those places (when they’re crowded) introduce us to one of the worst kinds of human beings alive … the seat saver.

This is the person who completely ruins the balance of the entire food ecosystem by declaring, “I’ll go save us a seat.” And I use this voice because, while the seat server can be almost anyone, it is most often one kind of person. She’s 60 something years old, has a sour look on her face, never smiles, and has old leathery skin. She’s the kind of woman who drags her doormat of a husband with her to the grocery store and makes him push the cart around while she barks orders at him.

She treats employees like garbage and refers to them as “the girl” when she’s complaining about them later. You’re not sure if she’s ever had a day of fun in her life, and she sits there … hogging this table while it’s just her and a pile of napkins that she’s gotten from the counter … as if napkins are somehow the official currency that allows you to occupy an entire table without actually having any food.

I’m sorry, seat saver, you’re the worst. And the simplest reason why is this … there’s no need for you to exist. If you just went up and got your food with everybody else, the general flow of the restaurant would cause for a table to be open for you when you were ready.

Instead, when I get my food you and your society of evil seat savers are monopolizing all the tables. You’re not doing anything with them. Just laying on top of them so nobody else can use them. If it made sense to actually save seats, then the restaurant would take RESERVATIONS in the first place.

Oh I’m gonna save a seat for you … it’s in a place where it’s REAL HOT, and I imagine the food is terrible since Satan is the head chef.

Moving on Diary, why do we allow totaly useless things to be sold? They have absolutely no practical use (or impractical use for that matter), and yet they’re still available and we’re expected to pay money for them. I mean … who’s ever been able to actually use a white crayon? It doesn’t make any color whatsoever …. It just drags across the paper all sucking and stuff. And yet … there it is … ruining every box of crayons you ever buy.

And yellow’s not much better. We went out to dinner recently and they gave my son one of those kids’ menu activity papers. And they give him one crayon to write with … a yellow one. The heck he gonna do with a yellow crayon? Can’t write nothin’ … can’t read nothin’ … can’t do nothin’.

Just think of the millions of dollars and amount of resources we’ve wasted to manufacture white and yellow crayons, which then all just end up in a trash heap when the crayons are tossed out. Could probably end world hunger just by eliminating them from the box and spending that money on seeds instead.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

We’ve All Lost Our Minds

Dear Diary …

There is a topic where we are officially out of control in this world. We have no rational thought, no common sense, and no concept of right and wrong. This topic starts with a P and ends with an S … and I think you know exactly what I’m talking about.

It’s the topic of … Paper Towels.

What? You thought I was gonna say politics? Pffft. I ain’t touchin’ than mess.

And besides … paper towels are worse man because it’s all about something we messed with that didn’t need messin’ with, and now there’s no turning back.

Paper towels used to be fine. You needed one, you tore it off the roll. But then … they started this whole 1-2-3 section thing and all hell broke loose. Because now … tearing off one piece of paper towel isn’t enough to do anything, but tearing off two of those pieces is may more than you needed.

“Oh it’s easy and convenient … you just pick your size!”

No it isn’t! Now we’re just using up the paper towels faster and being forced to buy more faster than before. It’s as if you started going to a restaurant and your new choices were a plate of food that was gonna make you hungry still, or one that was piled so high you’re gonna barf by the end of the meal. Nobody asked for this!

And now … things have gotten even worse. I buy paper towels the other day … go to tear off a piece, and all of sudden … this weird little square rips off. And I look, and another weird little square is still sitting on the bottom of the roll, perfectly torn. That’s right … now there’s not just perforations on the up and down way … they got one going right across the middle of the roll.

You gotta be kidding me with this!

What am I gonna do with this tiny little square of paper?

Cuz you know what it is? A napkin!

It’s the size of a napkin. It’s the usefulness of a napkin. We didn’t need to invent this. We already did. IT’S CALLED A NAPKIN!!!

Millennials … this one’s your fault. I’ll defend you when it’s not, but this time it is. Because you people stopped using napkins and said “I’ll just use paper towels instead.” So the paper towel people and got all nervous and crazy because they weren’t makin’ “napkin money” anymore. So they took your precious paper towels, and turned it into a bunch of napkins stuck together on a roll.

And you opened the floodgates … cuz it’s only gonna get worse. It’s like havin’ a threesome. Oh at first you think that’s gonna be good enough. Then its, “Ohhh … you got one more friend that wants to come to the party.” Then 5. Then 6. Then you’re in some funky motel in Florida that winds up streaming live on the internet.

The paper towel love-in has only just begun … soon they’ll just be tiny little boxes so you can … boop … dot one drip on your face. Way to go!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.