Month: April 2020

Dear Diary …

You know what might be the worst place on Earth now? The grocery store. Man I used to LOVE going to the grocery store. Saunter my way up and down the aisles (yes I said “saunter”) … think about what to make for dinner … search for amazing deals. I had a great time. Now … I hate it!

And before I dive down this rabbit hole … let me be super clear that I am VERY grateful for the employees that are there all day, every day making sure that their community gets fed. This has nothing to do with you … so thank you for doing what you do. But just know … I can’t wait to leave you people!

I used to be someone that liked to shop on the fly. Pop in on my way home from work, get what I need for dinner that night, and do it every couple of days. Now I’m doing this whole “one big trip” thing, and it just takes FOREVER. Not to mention that I’m shopping for my Mom too so she doesn’t have to go out. So this Sunday between shopping, delivering, and wiping down every stupid grocery it took me two and half hours. It was like an entire day spent at the grocery store!

And can I just ask the question we’re all thinking right now … how did everything magically get so expensive? Oh … let me correct myself … not everything … just toilet paper, paper towels, cleaning supplies, and vitamins … the things everybody needs to buy. I mean … there’s finally plenty of toilet paper … but now every package is $12. It’s NEVER been $12. Hmm … interesting.

Now I would totally understand if a restaurant charges a little extra right now for something because they’re struggling to stay in business, but the grocery store and the dang Clorox wipe people are making money hand over fist right now, so help me understand why I’m paying $6 for a bottle of cleaner that used to cost half that? And explain to me how that’s not price gouging? I mean … maybe it isn’t … but you’re gonna have to tell me how it’s not. Aren’t you making enough money? Why you suddenly gotta upcharge for everything?

And why are we totally out of the most random things? I haven’t seen canned chicken at the store in a month. Why? Did the canned chicken people just stop working? And it can’t possibly be hoarding, because anybody who’s ever eaten canned chicken before would agree that the stuff is nasty. So there’s plenty of other better tasting foods in stock … we ain’t that desperate.

I just don’t understand how we went from “normal” to “1986 Communist Russia scarcity” in the span of about two weeks. Sure … these are uncharted times … but that doesn’t explain why we’re totally out of cornmeal. Last I checked, I dodn’t see nobody making shrim and grits in their doomsday bunkers.

Ugh … I used to like you, grocery store. And now? HADES!!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Dear Diary …

You know what, let’s try to be positive here for a second, shall we?  Right now we’re spending all our time lamenting the things we miss and can’t do. WAHHHH!!!  Now don’t get me wrong, this guy wants to go to a dang restaurant and have a bunch of friends over for a cookout, but instead of thinking about that and feeling sad, I’m gonna actually touch on some of the things I DON’T miss since all of this mess went down.

First … music festivals.  And if you’re thinking to yourself, “Music festivals? But music festivals are awesome!” … then you have fallen into their trap.  Music festivals have tricked you into thinking they are good, when they are in fact, a big steaming pile.

Look … I love live music, and I love going to concerts, but what music festivals do is take all the good things about a concert … destroy them … and leave you with just the bad things.

First and foremost they sit here and try to trick you … hey look at this … you get to see 50 different bands all at the same show!  No you don’t. Because six bands are playing at the same time on six different stages that are 37 miles away from each other. Sorry if those are the six bands you like the best … good luck picking your favorite!  

And speaking of your favorite, if there’s a band that you REALLY wanna see, well then you gotta stake out a spot well in advance, which means you gotta miss three other bands that you kinda wanted to see, otherwise your favorite band is gonna look like a tiny little flea circus cuz you’re gonna be so far away.

Also … since there are 247 bands playing in one day, everybody gets about 20 minutes on stage.  So sure … you got to see your favorite band … for about the time it takes to eat lunch at a Chipotle.  Woo hoo!

Oh and let’s not forget … you got to pay $400 for this ticket (which totally didn’t include parking), then you get to eat all your meals at the festival where a hot dog on a stick is gonna run you $14, and since it’s probably summer it’s 97 degrees and you’re out in a giant field with no shade and some sweaty guy won’t stop rubbing up against you. Yup … hooray music festivals!  

Don’t fall for the trap.  Buy tickets to the artists you love when it’s THEIR show, and watch these stupid festivals on YouTube.  Trust me … you’ll thank me forever.

Here’s another thing I don’t miss … handshakes, hugs, and greetings in general.  Now don’t get me wrong … if I see a close friend or family, I’m all about a nice handshake or a bro hug or whatever.  But for our general day to day greetings … I’m totally cool with never touching each other again.

Because what always happens?  You see somebody … they give you a hug … and then they’re like, “Yeah … my whole family had the stomach bug last week … it was crazy!”  Oh awesome … thank you for rubbing your nasty cooties all over me BEFORE telling me this.

Here’s the simple fact … people are gross.  Not all people, but too many people. Plus, you never know deep down who’s gross and who’s not.  They may look all clean and cute, but then when nobody’s looking they wipe their nose on their sleeve and put their hands all over the escalators at the mall.  

So yeah … I’m good with this whole new world of elbow taps or [[click click]] finger guns or whatever.  Adios handshake!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Dear Diary …

As you can imagine right now, one of the things I’m definitely thankful for is technology.  And yes I know … we should use this time to connect with our family or books or nature or whatever it is you claim you’re doing when you’re actually on TikTok, but I’m a realist.  Plus, I played poker online with my friends and won $100 over the weekend … so hooray technology!

Think about it … we have the ability to watch any show we want, read any book we want, creep on old pictures of any friend we want … all without leaving our couch.  It’s amazing!

But I do have one request … would technology PLEASE stop trying to ruin absolutely every present and surprise on the face of the Earth?  God! Every time I order something on Amazon for somebody else, next thing I know some smart speaker in the house is pinging … “Hey that Spiderman toy you ordered is ready for shipping.”  Thank you. Surprise ruined!

And yes … I know you can turn notifications off.  I turn notifications off! And yet somehow they magically seem to creep back in just randomly, which I have no doubt is the master plan of the robots to ruin everything.

And even if you try to keep up with the settings … there’s just too dang many of them.  We got our daughter a new phone for her birthday. OK … Mommy got a new phone. She got the “new to HER” phone, but whatever.  She’s 11. She should be lucky to have an old Blackberry.

Anyway, all I wanna do the day before is set the stupid thing up so it’s ready to use on her birthday.  That way I don’t have to spend two hours on the day trying to set it up while she’s hovering over my shoulder like a little bird going, “Is it ready yet?”  

But all this phone wants to do is ruin the surprise because when you set up the phone, I gotta connect it to her Apple ID, which immediately has her iPad popping up messages, “Hey we see you’re setting up a new device, want to connect this one?”  No! Go away!

So now I’m trying to hide her iPad, which of course means all she’s doing is asking why I’m trying to hide her iPad.  “Oh … no reason … you know … gotta do a systems upgrade or something.” Which as you can imagine, she ain’t buying it and the surprise is ruined.  Thank you technology!

I get it … you’re trying to be helpful with all this stuff, but can’t it just have like a “hide all this crap” button that I can use for Christmas gifts and embarrassing purchases I don’t want my wife to see?  Geez!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Dear Diary …

So if you’ve been hanging around on social media the past few days … and let’s be honest … you’ve been doing NOTHING but hanging around on social media the past few days.  What the heck else you gonna do?  Read?

I mean … I feel like this counts as reading.  I’ve read like 5 books in the past week.  It’s just that each chapter is the length of a Facebook post.  Because it is a Facebook post.  My post.  Your post.  Everybody else’s post.  It’s the world we’re in right now … It’s all we got!

So one thing that has been popping off is this whole “Unpopular Opinions” thing where people list off things they dislike that most people like.  First of all … I gotta figure out how to sue the universe for plagiarism for this thing because it’s … well … THIS ANGER DIARY and I’ve been doing it since MySpace was a thing.  So step off Facebook!

I mean … for how many years have I been telling everyone that I just don’t really like superhero movies?  Look … I get it … they’re super popular.  Actually … you know what?  I DON’T get it.  Why are they so popular?  “Oh it’s just the story and the action … it’s so awesome!”

Oh whatever.  Here … let me give you every superhero movie ever made … you got some guy or gal that’s all messed up from their childhood or some divorce or some bully … then they touch a nuclear bug or get struck by lightning or something … then they’re a superhero who fights some bad guy who then kills their favorite person in the whole wide world, which causes them to “find themselves” and overcome the adversity and eventually defeat said bad guy.  Ta-dah!  There’s your superhero movie.  Then you just add in a catchy title like Captain Super Bat Woman Panther Alliance or whatever and you’re all set!  It’s not that they’re all terrible.  It’s just that they’re all the same.

I tell you what I have learned in all this … don’t be the person that the superhero likes more than anybody else in the world.  Cuz you is DEAD.  You’re the horror movie equivalent of that first sexy sorority girl who decides to go take a shower at the beginning of the movie. Adios dodo!

Another area where my unpopular opinions are well documented is food because … well … I’m a rotten food snob.  And it’s not so much that I’m a snob, it’s more that I just have better taste than everybody else and know what’s good and bad.  Oh … wait.  Yeah … OK.  Snob.  But at least I own it, right?  

My dislike of cheesecake is well documented.  As is my hatred of going to lunch in general because of the time it wastes and how everybody just eats too much and totally ruins themselves for the rest of the day.

But today I’m here to point out a slightly more sinister food devil … sweet potato fries. Sweet potato fries are extra evil because they try to trick you and make you think they’re just like french fries.  “Look at me … I’m a french fry, but I’m even better because I’m a healthy SWEET potato and not a bad bad regular potato.”

First of all … don’t gimme those lies.  You ain’t healthy.  You’re fried just like any other french FRY.  I don’t care what food it is … a potato, kale, a piece of lettuce, or a vitamin.  Once you fry it, it’s as unhealthy as anything else you drop in a vat of hot oil.

And second … sweet potatoes stink.  Most of the time they’re just sad mushy monsters that don’t taste as good as real french fries, and also have a color that resembles a highlighter that you would use for correcting a 7th grade book report.  

And again … it’s not that I HATE the sweet potato, but there’s something about it that I just can’t seem to put my finger on.  It’s kinda just stringy and weird and I would choose about 700 other different food items first.  I mean, NEVER in my entire life have I said “man I’m craving a sweet potato!”  Has ANYBODY ever said that?  I doubt it.  It’s like saying, “man I’m craving some low-fat cheese right now.”  There’s just no point!

And hey … maybe you like these things that I’m talking about.  You’re absolutely entitled to your opinion.  It’s wrong.  But it’s YOURS, and you’re allowed.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Dear Diary …

Quarantine. Day whatever the heck. I lost count. And I just mean of the days in general. Is this Tuesday? Am I supposed to be angry today? Every day feels like Tuesday, so does it even matter? Oh who the heck even knows anymore.

I just can’t believe that I’m going to be the generation that gathers round the grandchildren and says, “Kids, did you know that when I was a boy, you used to be able to go to the grocery store and just … BUY toilet paper? Oh the wonders of the aisle children … all different sizes, brands, selections … it was a glorious time in American history … the great TP bounty of the early 2000’s.”

At this rate I figure that’s where it’s going, because I don’t think it’s ever gonna be in stock again. Hasn’t everyone that’s hoarded it already gotten their fill?

You know … I used to enjoy grocery shopping. Walk down the aisles. Look at the merchandise. Find great deals. Decide what to make for the family. Now … it’s like I’m braving the seven gates of hell just to get a box of cereal and some coffee creamer.

And the best part? Now when you get home, you gotta spend another 30 minutes wiping down each and every grocery, throwing out the bags, washing the counter, and then washing your hands for the 247th time that day. “Don’t forget to sing Happy Birthday two times!” Good lord … we all sound like a bunch of lunatics singing “Happy Birthday” over and over again like a deranged mental patient.

And let me just add … I don’t know how families any bigger than four can preserve their sanity. I feel like I have it somewhat in check when there’s four of us in the house, but now I’ve got my mother-in-law trapped in quarantine for God knows how long and we’re basically running out of something every day. And as you can imagine … I don’t wanna just “pop down to Hades” just to grab some more chips and salsa.

And you can never plan properly. We had a full loaf of bread yesterday, then all of a sudden everybody decided they just HAD to have cinnamon toast. So then we’re instantly out of bread and I gotta put on my hazmat suit and get my machete from under the bed to go find a loaf of Sara Lee.

Geez … who knew I’d long for the good ol’ days of a regular snowstorm chaos trip to the grocery store?

Is any of this even making sense? Probably not. But what else you gonna do right now????

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.