Family Skills

Dear Diary …

It’s good to have skills … right?  I mean … you don’t want to be totally useless, so skills are good.  Though I’m not sure ALL skills are good.  My family has skills.  Some of them … good. They fun people.  But other skills … these are the things I could do without.

For example … when I make dinner … my family has an amazing skill of eating JUST enough food that there’s NOT enough food for any other occasion.  Does that even make sense?

What I mean is … as we all know … making and planning food is a pain in the butt.  And I LIKE cooking … but it’s still the relentless onslaught of eating.  As soon as one meal is over, you gotta start prepping for the next one.  And now that we live in the Zombie Apocalypse, that’s even more apparent because you gotta work with whatever you got on the last supply run.  So if I can … I’m gonna try to do things like double the size of what I’m cooking so we can have it for two dinners.

And that’s where my family comes in, because they have an amazing skill to then in meal #1 eat JUST enough food that there’s now not enough left over for meal #2. “Oh this is sooo good … I’m gonna just get onnnnnne more bite.”

That’s it!  Kiss of death!  Cuz one bite in actually more like 8 bites, and now we ain’t got enough left.  And before you say “Well just make more” … that don’t work.  If I make a little more, we still hit that threshold, and if I make WAY more, then nobody ever wants it for the second meal.  Why?  I have no idea.  That’s just how it goes.

Here’s another one that’s about food … the skill of plowing thru certain things the second I get home from the grocery store.  Now as you are already aware the grocery store is about as much fun as jamming a sharp object underneath your toenail, so it’s not a place you wanna hang out in any more than you have to.

So when I walk in the door and somebody says “Oooh bagels … I’ll have a bagel!” and the next kid says “Oh there’s bagels? I’ll have a bagel!” and then all of a sudden they each want seconds and the bag is empty in 20 minutes.

And what do you get for your trouble?  “Hey … next time you’re at the store … get more bagels!”

“Next time I’m at the store” … awesome!  Don’t mind me … I’ll just risk the ‘Rona for more bagels!  And the biggest kick on the gut?  If I buy twice as much next time … nobody’ll eat ‘em!  Suddenly they’re not “in the mood” anymore.

Then it’s just on me to try to figure out how to repurpose 27 leftover bagels.  Somehow.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Selective Amnesia

Dear Diary …

I understand that right now it’s not really feasible to book a doctor’s appointment unless absolutely necessary because … you know … they’re kinda busy and stuff … but my wife may need to get her head examined. I think she might have selective amnesia or something.

Here’s why I think that …

I do the grocery shopping in the house … or as well call it in 2020 … I’m the guy who goes on the Zombie Apocalypse supply runs in hopes of finding a can of beans and not get bitten by the ‘Rona. So when I go to the big scary place … aka “the grocery store” … I’ve got my list of things we need for the boarded up bomb shelter … I mean … “the house” … but I also have my eyes open for other unexpected supplies. And I ain’t hoarding, but if I see a thing of antibacterial hand soap, I’m gonna buy it. I’m not gonna buy 27 of them, but I may pick up one or two.

So when I get back from the zombie supply run and I show my bounty to the wife she says, “OK I don’t think you need to buy anymore hand soap. We already have like three or four.”

Three or four? Woman … are you out of your mind?

Do you not remember this … you know … CORONOAVIRUS thing that’s going on? I mean it was just like three weeks ago that going to the grocery store was like one of those depressing scenes you see on TV when there’s an earthquake in some random third world country and people are flocking around a truck while an aid worker tosses rice in the air. That’s what it’s like!

She may have forgotten this with her selected amnesia, but as the house’s “Rick Grimes … Shopping Leader” … I have NOT. And I don’t care how lame and dorky it is … we are gonna have a one month supply of pretty much everything in the house from now on. And not “from now on in 2020” … I mean like “for evah and evah amen.”

Cuz when this Coronoavirus is over I’m gonna be ready for Dos Equis Disease or Miller High Life Malaria or whatever stupid pandemic comes along. And hopefully none ever come along, but I’m gonna make darn sure I got enough TP in the basement to never have to settle for one-ply again in my entire life.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Don’t Believe the Hype

Dear Diary …

I’m not one to normally bash “the media” because … well … technically … I’m part of “the media.” But I think what I’ve learned as time goes on is that there are two different categories of “the media.”

The first is a group of normal humans that happen to work in TV or radio or on the internet. This group tends to bring information, entertainment, and community involvement. That’s us.

Heck … as far as news goes … I’m way more likely to let you know that there’s a new 70 calorie White Claw flavor coming out than I am to talk about anything relating to politics or the Coronavirus.

Then there’s a second group … the hype-driven freakout “news media.” This is the group that has basically learned how to make all of go crazy. And for as much as we sit here and claim that we don’t like this group or “the media,” we’re the ones that allow them to exist. These groups make their money based on reshares, story clicks, and ratings … and we feed right into their hype by doing exactly that. We may all claim that we want to hear good or rational news reporting, but then the second we see one headline that says “MEAT SHORTAGE!” we immediately share it on our Facebook, and run right to WalMart to grab every tube of ground beef that we can find.

And this is why you gotta actually pay attention to the coverage. Because every single time a meat processing plant had to close or production was interrupted, “MEAT SHORTAGE!!!” was the headline everywhere.

But did you see that Smithfield’s largest factory re-opened to other day? No … you probably didn’t, because the headline was, [whispering] “Smithfield’s largest factory re-opened” … Ummm … “MURDER HORNETS!!”

Ahhh … the murder hornet. That’s an impressive one. We went from zero to “the hornets are in my backyard right now and plotting to kill me” in the span of one day.

And here’s the beautiful thing about the so-called “murder hornet” … First, it’s actually been called the “Giant Asian Hornet” for several years and only got titled “murder hornet” about a week ago by the freakout media.

Second … you know how many murder hornets we’ve had in this country? Two. TWO!!! And that was in Washington state and was like two years ago.

We’ve had way more than two “murder people” in the last couple years … but we don’t seem to freak out about that because it wasn’t delivered to us in a snappy headline that made us go cuckoo.

And again … it’s our fault because we let “the media” get to us, and we feed into their frenzy. It’s like my kids. My daughter is the general public and my son is “the media.” He’s the younger one, and he knows exactly what to do to drive his sister crazy and push her buttons. So does she simply ignore him so he’ll go away? Of course not! She feeds right into the frenzy, gets all riled up, which then only makes him be even more annoying.

He’s figured out the system, and she simply cannot resist feeding into it. That’s what we do. If we would all simply ignore our little brother “the media” and calmly go in the other room and do something else, it would go away.

But we don’t, because “TOILET PAPER SHORTAGE!” … we freak out instead.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Tough Times, Schmuff Times

Dear Diary …

I’m gonna give you two words, and they’re gonna make your skin crawl the second you hear them. And that should immediately tell you that they need to go away and people need to stop using them.

“Tough times”

Yup … I knew it … you just got the heebie jeebies when I said them.

“In these tough times … just know that we can all come together and remember what’s important … buying products from whatever business is doing this commercial and using the words ‘tough times.’”

Look man … I get it. We’re all just doing our best here, and I know your heart is absolutely in the right place, but maybe we don’t wanna be reminded about it all day every day.

“In these tough times … just remember … sandwiches. We sell sandwiches. Please buy them.” I don’t want the reminder!

Here’s two more words I’m just about done with … “Essential worker.”

And don’t even try to make it sound like I’m not grateful for people in the medical world that are risking their own lives to save ours. Here’s the thing about them … they’re never the ones that say “essential worker.” They just do it … they don’t need to remind anybody what they’re doing.

Instead it’s being used by other people as some sort of badge of courage … “Well you know … essential worker over here. Gotta go to my essential job … uhh … selling mulch.” Those are the people beating it into the ground.

Never trust anybody who showers themselves in their own accolades. If somebody tells you “I’ve got a great sense of humor” … they ain’t funny! Funny people don’t need to convince anybody that they’re funny.

And guess what? Everybody who’s ever said “I’m not crazy” is a grade-A psychopath!

Never trust anybody that tries to give themselves their own labels. I mean, have you ever met anyone that tries to give themselves their own nickname? Yeah … exactly. That person simply cannot be trusted.

And here’s another on … “Supply chain”

I don’t ever wanna hear about the stupid “supply chain” ever again. “Oh you know, we got tons of food, but … um … supply chain … so none of it is actually in the store and toilet paper costs a million dollars. Sorry about that … you know … supply chain.”

No! Figure it out! Every restaurant on earth has had to adapt and figure out a new way to get to their customer base. You do the same and quit dumpin’ potatoes out in the trash “cuz we don’t know any other way to sell them.”

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.