The S Word

Dear Diary …

You know … some people call it “the S word” and act like you’re not supposed to say it. But I’m gonna say it … because sometimes “the S word” is the perfect word to describe certain things that are … well … STUPID!

Hey … I get it. It can be insulting to call someone or something stupid. Buuut … if they’re stupid … what else you gonna say?

Cuz you know what’s stupid now? Having to pack for any kind of trip. Packing stinks anyway, but now that we live in Corona-land (which is already very very stupid), now we gotta go through this extra step of making sure we pack 257 different sanitary items. Wipes, hand sanitizer, soaps, paper towels, masks, sprays … STUPID! In the past you could just trust that that stuff would be there, or you could just go to the store and grab what you need, but not any more. Now you gotta pack everything yourself and act like you’re going on a road trip to Antarctica where there’s gonna be absolutely nothing there except empty shelves and penguins.

Here’s another thing … people talking to you while they’re in another room. Stupid!

You can NEVER hear these people! “Hey Zack … can you mumble mumble mumble mumble?”

And even when you tell them you can’t hear them … they don’t change anything. They just say it again … “can you mumble mumble mumble mumble?”

Yo … stupid … if you want me to hear you, you’re gonna have to get up off your butt and come into the room where I am. I can’t hear you over air conditioners and TVs and appliances and God knows what else.

And let’s be honest here, 99% of the time this happens it’s when one of my children is sitting on their lazy butts, watching TV, and they just want me to get them a snack. Get your own stupid snack!

Oh man … snacks really are stupid. All day long with these things … chips, Cheezits, Goldfish, granola bars, cheese sticks, GoGurts, Takis … you name it … they’ll eat it day in and day out. And don’t forget … almost all of these snacks are eaten after a meal where they were “too full” to finish what was on their plate. But never too full for Goldfish! Stupid!

But hey … what can I really expect? Because if we’re being honest here, most of the world is … well … stupid. And there’s not really anything you can do about it other than just try to build yourself a little bubble of “halfway smart” and hope that the rest of stupid doesn’t penetrate that bubble too much.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Whole Lotta Small Talk

Dear Diary …

Without a doubt I am excited and hopeful that we are moving in the right direction in our little Coronovirus universe. I’m happy that things are opening back up, people are going back to work, and things are happening again.

That said … I am definitely NOT looking forward to the return of one thing … small talk. I would say, “Oh lord have mercy on all of us,” but I ain’t gonna lie … It’s mostly “Lord have mercy on ME.” Oh my God I hate small talk … and this is about the be the most small talkin-est we’ve maybe ever been in the history of the world.

You see Diary … I’ve been working the last three months in a building where 90% of the people have been instructed to work from home. I was one of the 10% going in. And let me just say … it was GLORIOUS!

No meetings, no BS, and definitely no small talk.

But now everybody is coming back … so that means one million conversations of, “Oh hey … it’s you! So … how’s it going? Have you been blah blah blah blah meh meh meh?”

Oh Lord help me. Because you gotta have that conversation with one person, then the next person, then the next person. Oh … and do it all behind a couple of dork masks and six feet of social distance.

And not to be outdone … now they’re all gonna wanna have meetings together too. AHHHHH!!!

Have we learned nothing from this pandemic? Can we at least come together and realize that we all managed to survive without wasting a crapload of time every week sitting around a table for pointless meetings?

Ugh. I’m starting to think last time there was a pandemic there wasn’t actually a second wave of infections, it was simply everybody realizing that they wanted to hide back at home for a while and not have to engage in small talk.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

No Beach For Me

Dear Diary …

Ahhhh the beach. People love the beach. They plan their vacation to … the beach. They show off pictures of their drink at … the beach. They lament a tale of woe when it’s time to leave … the beach.

They wish they could just stay there forever and live at … the beach.

Me on the other hand. Nah. I’m good.

Now don’t get me wrong … I have fun at the beach. But on my last trip I was thinking about it, and there’s no way I could possibly stay there forever.

And for me it’s one big reason … sand. Ugh the sand. It’s just … EVERYWHERE.

Sand at the beach means sand on your feet. And I don’t care how good you rinse, it still never totally comes off before you get back into your place. And there’s sand in your pants, and sand in your hair, and sand on your body that’s stuck to the lotion on your arms.

Ugh. Everything is just so slimy and humid and stanky. It’s like when you haven’t showered for a day and then go work out before that next shower. That’s how you feel every day when you’re at the beach.

Sand in your bed. Sand on your rug. Just … so … much sand.

And that’s the thing with the beach … sure it’s fun and chill. But it’s just so dang hot and slimy all the time. And nobody has nice stuff, because it all eventually just gets that funk so it’s not worth spending the money in the first place.

“Salt Life” HA! I thumb my nose at three … “Salt Life” … because who actually feels GOOD when they have that dang salt water smarm all over your body? “Shower Life” maybe, but “Salt Life?” No thank you.

And here’s the other problem with living at the beach … it never feels like real life. And I know you think at first … oh well that’s a good thing because real life stinks. And while that may be true, there’s just something surreal about forever being trapped in beach life where you have no concept of time.

Next thing you know you have no clue if it’s Tuesday … Saturday … or September … and you can’t remember the last time you washed your hair either. See? This ain’t good for anybody. There’s a reason why all the weird news stories come out of Florida … they’ve all lost their minds at the beach!!

Don’t lose your mid. You can go for a little while and misplace your mind, but then you gotta come back or you end up as a Florida story.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.