Month: July 2020

Dear Diary …

I cannot believe I’m about to do this. But you know what? I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna talk about masks.

(Oh my God … am I really gonna do this? Yes. Yes I am.)

So … here’s where I stand on your opinion on masks … I … don’t … care.

“Everyone needs to wear a mask because…”

AHHHH!!! Don’t care!

“I don’t have to wear a mask because…”

AHHHH!!! Don’t care!

It doesn’t matter what your opinion is, because I’m not here to try to change it. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but never in the history of the internet has anyone’s opinion been swayed by anybody else’s craptastic Facebook posts. So I ain’t startin’ now.

You’re entitled to your opinion, and we do not have to agree on everything. That said … in addition to your opinion … there are also rules and guidelines. And whether you like it or not … them’s the rules.

You know what I think about wearing masks? I hate ‘em. But if the rules say I gotta wear ‘em … well then I gotta wear ‘em.

I mean … think about nudists for a second. Preferably good looking nudists … however … we all know that every time we actually see a nudist they’re someone we REALLY didn’t wanna see nude in the first place. (But that’s a whole different Anger Diary.)

Anyway … You know what nudists hate? Pants.

They don’t like ‘em. They don’t think they serve a good purpose, and they don’t wanna wear ‘em.

And that’s fine. That’s their right to not like ‘em. But you know what they gotta do when they wanna shop at Wal-Mart? PUT ON PANTS!!!!

They’re free to have their pantsless beliefs all they want in the comfort of their own home or at some freaky-deeky resort in Cancun … but when they wanna go to the store to buy a shower curtain … they gotta wear pants.

“Yeah but masks are just the government trying to track us and control us.”

OK tin foil hat … I got some news that’s gonna blow your mind … government don’t need no masks to track us and control us. They’ve been doing it since the beginning of time. You think the government ain’t trackin’ all of us already? Open your eyes junior. This ain’t their first rodeo.

And you know what … beyond all the mask arguing … can we at least agree on one simple thing? There is no need to treat random employees like crap because you don’t like their company’s policy.

You think the person at the register at the grocery store has ANY say in the rules? So why are you yelling at them?

That whole thing is beyond me … why do some people think they have the right to treat others with total disrespect? You think masks are the problem with this world? Well then you got the whole thing backwards … because if we’re not going to even treat each other like human beings … then we’re never gonna get past this stuff.

How would you like it if I came to your work and talked to you like a piece of trash that I didn’t care about? Or what if I did it to your daughter … or your Mom? I don’t think you’d like that, would you? So why are you doing it to somebody else?

Again … I’m not here to try to change anybody’s opinion. I gave that up a long time ago. I’m just asking you to maybe give everything just a little bit more thought next time before you start to act a fool.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Dear Diary …

I get it.  You’re confused.  Because there’s not really an “awards season” this year, you have no idea what people are getting awards for these days.  Well … because I’m a giver … I’m gonna help you out.  I’m here to let you know that there are no awards for some of the things you are doing, so you can kindly stop doing them.

For example … there are no awards for not running the dishwasher simply because there’s space for one more tiny spoon.  If it’s the end of the day, and your dishwasher is 99.9% full … THEN RUN THE DISHWASHER!!!  I don’t need to get up in the morning and realize that there’s no room for anything and have run the cycle and sit there with a sink full of dishes like a fool.  

Because guess what happens next?  You empty the dishwasher and basically it’s full again once you reload all the dishes in waiting!  So what did not running it the first time even accomplish?

And while we’re at it … back to front people.  There are DEFINITELY no awards for lazily loading the dishwasher starting at the front.  Use the arm God gave ya and open that tray all the way and start in the back!

Hey guess what?  There’s also no award for waving people thru at an intersection even though you’re the one with the right of way.  Why are you doing that?

“I’m just being nice because I’m a good driver!”

No you’re not!  You’re actually making things worse because you’re not doing them in the right order, and now the rest of us don’t know who to trust or who’s actually doing what they’re supposed to do.

Again … there is no award titled “Waited the longest time at a four-way stop waving other people thru” … so stop preparing your acceptance speech and just DRIVE.

Oh and you know what?  There’s also no award titled “Person who does the best job hiding the remote from the rest of the family.”

Why is this so hard?  If you’re on a couch … put the remote on the arm of the couch.  If you’re near an end table … put it on that table.

Everybody in my house puts it everywhere EXCEPT those two locations.  On the floor, under the bed, jammed in the cushions, in the kitchen … the list goes on and on … but never the two places it’s supposed to be.

There’s no awards for any of these things.  No accolades.  No trophies.  No cash prizes.  So … cut it out!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Dear Diary …

I can’t believe I’m actually going to say this, but I miss phone calls. That’s right. Me. The guy who don’t like talkin’ to nobody. The guy who’d much rather text, email, or … you know … just fall out of touch with each other. That’d be fine with me. And yet here I am missin’ phone calls.

Now … to be clear … I still don’t LIKE phone calls. I still don’t want to do them, but now that the alternative has become the evil Zoom call … now I miss ‘em.

OMG I’m so over Zoom. The quality stinks. The audio is garbage. And now everybody wants to do ‘em.

Before … you could just bang out a quick call with somebody. But now … “OK I’ll set up a Zoom call so we can chat.”

Why we gotta set up a Zoom? Why do we need to see each other? Look … I get it … If you wanna Zoom with grandma … fine … Zoom with grandma. But if it’s a quick work call … just do the dang thing on a phone. We don’t need to look at each other. We ain’t takin’ our shirts off, so why do we care? Plus .. how am I supposed to roll my eyes at you wehen you say something stupid if you can see me on the Zoom call.

And the Zoom meeting? Well that’s a whole other layer. And by “layer” I’m pretty sure I do mean that it’s one of the actual layers of hell. I’m pretty sure it’s right after purgatory. It’s the layer where you gotta Zoom Satan and he lets you know you’re heading down to the burny place.

And beyond the fact that the quality is garbage and you gotta deal with everybody talking over each other, and some dodo who won’t mute their microphone and makes all sorts of noise in the background … that ain’t even the worst part. The worst part is that you cannot escape the Zoom meeting.

With a regular meeting you can be all, “Ooooh … sorry. I won’t be in the office that day. Won’t be able to make the meeting. Womp womp.”

But now … the meeting follows YOU! Hooray! Now you can be dragged into a meeting while you’re home, or in the car, or on top of a freakin’ mountain in the middle of nowhere. And here I was thinking that the best part of the Coronovirus was that our bosses couldn’t drag us in to meetings, but now those dastardly middle managers have found an even worse way to drag us in.

Thank you Zoom! I will say this … you own Zoom stock right now? Sell. Cuz I promise you, there’s way more of us that hate the dang thing and we’re eventually gonna send it into the pit of ruin. Mark my words. We’ll have that thing trading in the penny stocks by this time next year.

(Oh and trust me … I’m well aware that I’ll probably be completely wrong and the stupid thing will be $400 a share next year. But I’m gonna at least try to ruin them!)

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye