Month: September 2020

Dear Diary …

OK look … I appreciate a heads up in life, but I don’t need excessive and unnecessary warnings … especially when they’re just trying to get me to spend more money.

Ever get this one? …

“Warning! The batteries in your remote are dangerously low. Please replace them immediately!”

OK … first of all … “dangerously low?” These aren’t the batteries to grandma’s respirator … they’re for the dang TV. And furthermore … you know what happens after you get this scary warning? Nothing. The remote works just fine for at least another week. Maybe two.

Same things with printer cartridges. I can’t tell you how many times the stupid printers at work say “I’m out of ink!” only to print 300 more pieces of paper with no problem.

Now I appreciate the heads up that something is low, but LOW doesn’t mean EMPTY, so don’t act like the world is coming to an end unless I run out and buy more batteries.

See? This is the problem with this world … E never means E. So now we allow people to drive around on E because everything in their life is a lie when it says it’s empty. E should mean E people!

Here’s another warning I don’t need … and yes Netflix I’m looking at you.

I don’t need an email that says, “Hi Zack … just a reminder to finish watching the whole series of The Office that you started.”

Look here Netflix … you know darn well I’ve already watched this whole series like 5 times already. And further … stop trying to get me to binge watch stuff!

You’re like a drug dealer … hey Zack … just a reminder that we got this free weed laying around over here. Make sure you come smoke it. Get lost drug pusher!

Quit stalking me! When I’m in the grocery store I don’t need a notification on my app that says, “We see you’re in the store, want to start shopping?”

What do you think I’m doing??? I am shopping! Ain’t nobody going to the grocery store to browse stuff, so no need to jump up my butt when I’m already here.

I get it. I’m being followed, and you want all my money all the time always, but at least humor me. Tell me it’s low, but don’t act like it’s E. E should mean E. Everyone should get punished for flagrantly ignoring the empty warning in their car.

Till next time Diary … I say goodbye

Dear Diary …

Young people … I have advice! That’s right … wise ol’ Uncle Zack (Or mean ol’ Uncle Zack … Or drunk ol’ Uncle Zack) has some words of wisdom. And I know this advice is gonna be controversial, but I don’t care.

I’m not gonna sit here and candy coat life for you and say stupid things like “You can be anything you want to be if you put your mind to it.” I mean … it’s nice to put some effort into things and try to reach a goal, but let’s not act like your mind is some mythical entity with magic powers that automatically gives you everything you want.

Quite the opposite really because your mind is a lazy, second-guessing jerkhead that, if anything, does a really good job at holding you back. Unless of course your goal is to lay around on the couch, binge watch an entire season of Cobra Kai, and then just complain about how things at work aren’t the way you want them to be … well then your mind is AWESOME for this one!

Anyway … here’s my advice today for “the youth.” Kids … don’t be good at anything. That’s right … The worst thing you can do is be good at stuff.

“What??? What are you saying? How dare you tell them not to be all they can be!! They need to strive for excellence!!”

No … no they do not.

Now … you don’t want to suck at stuff … but you also don’t want to be super awesome at any one skill.

Why? Because when you’re really good at something, all your friends and family are gonna take advantage of that and make you do it all the time.

I’m a really good cook. So guess what happens? I gotta be the one who cooks. ALL … THE … TIME!

And there’s no escaping it. People come over … I gotta cook. But when I go to their house?

“Oh well I mean you’re such a better cook than me … do you mind making the food? You’re just sooo GOOD at it!

See?!?! See what happens when you’re good at stuff???

If you’re really good at planning a vacation … well now you’re everybody’s travel agent.

Really good at giving massages? Well now suddenly everybody’s back is “super sore” and needs your help.

And God forbid you’re good at fixing stuff. You’re dead!

So that’s right kids … don’t strive for excellence. Strive for okay-ness! That way you can get by in a pinch when you need to accomplish something, but nobody’s ever gonna hit you up to do it for them either.

You’ll never make anything of yourself, but everyone will also leave you alone.

Excellence is overrated my friends … it just causes more problems than it solves. And the other kick in the teeth is a lot of times you’re excellent and you still don’t get anything out of it, so you might as well have been mediocre in the first place.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Dear Diary …

Throughout our lives I think we all have times where we learn things about ourselves … specifically the things we need to avoid because they don’t set us up for success. Like maybe you learn that you can’t do tequila shots because you wake up in the woods and your pants are missing. Or you learn that you can’t do things like answer the question “Whatcha thinkin?” when your wife asks it, because the real answer only gets you in trouble.

For me … I’ve recently learned that in order to be a good parent, I cannot take my children to a drive thru to get food because it never ends well. Why? Because these children don’t know how to do it!

Without fail … EVERY single time we stop at a drive-thru they act like food has never been invented until today. OK kids … what do you want?

[[pause]]

“Well what do they have?”

Food! They have food! This is McDonald’s. You know … the place with the burgers. You see the commercials. You’ve been here before. They have those things that they had the last time you were here!!

[[long pause]]

What are you doing?!?!!?

“I’m looking at the menu.”

Well how long is that going to take?!?!?!

“You’re rushing me.”

Yes I’m rushing you! I’m rushing you because this is fast food, and we got 27 people behind us and everybody has to use the drive-thru now so we’re trying to do this as fast as possible so we aren’t “those people” who are holding up the line and God forbid wake up some sort of “Karen Beast” in one of the cars behind us.

“Well I don’t know what to get!”

Well I’m going to have to get some ibuprofen so I can make it through this ordeal!

See? Like I said … I realized that I’m not cut out as a parent to take them to the drive-thru. And at home it’s not an issue … I can just go get it myself and bring it back to them. But when it’s a road trip? I’m doomed!

Ahhh … the road trip. Or as my kids like to treat it “the long distance shopping spree of millions of stops and treats.”

They act like a road trip is just one long episode of Supermarket Sweep where they can buy all sorts of snacks, drinks, meals, and souvenirs. Do they not understand how crucial it is to make good time? Do they not understand that that’s woven into the fabric of a Dad’s DNA when on a road trip?

“Well the next time we stop I’m getting a drink.”

There is no next time! We just stopped. We bought food.

“Well I have to pee now.”

You just told me you didn’t have to go!

“Well I didn’t have to until just now!”

That’s it! Forget it. I always said I wanted invisibility or being able to fly as my superpower … NOPE! I definitely need teleportation because I can’t handle this anymore. And until then? Zoom vacations!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Dear Diary …

OK look … I am aware that we living thru the Coronavirus. Heck EVERYBODY is aware! We wish we weren’t. I’m pretty sure if there was an amount of tequila that could be consumed that would make this all go away, we’d be lining up for body shots at Senor Frog’s.

We get it. It’s happening whether we like it or not, so why do you insist on rubbing it in our faces? Yesterday I see a preview for some show that’s coming out called “Love … In the Time of Corona.”

Oh my God! Why?

“Hey it’s all about being in a relationship during the Coronovirus!”

Why in the world would I want to watch that? Why in the world would anyone wanna watch that? You wanna see what it’s like? Walk downstairs and see what life is like in your house!

It’s everything now … shows, movies … Oh my God I mean I’m pretty sure it’s law now or something that if you have a commercial everybody in it has to be wearing a mask. And if they aren’t wearing a mask, then every product at least needs to be endorsed by “a hero on the front lines.”

Don’t get me wrong … I appreciate those people but I don’t need to see commercials where it’s “Yeah you know my day is just so crazy working at a hospital and saving lives … so this is the meal delivery kit I like best!”

And the songs? Oh my God the songs … what a flippin’ downer. Every single one of ‘em is all sad and whiny and cranky.

Hey … news flash … you know what we DON’T want to hear more of? THE CORONAVIRUS!!!

Why do you think I’m watching reruns of “The Office” right now? I wanna escape from real life suckitude.

Guess what else I want, music? Fun stuff with a beat!! I don’t wanna be reminded that we’re in 2020. Remember when they used to party like it’s 1999? I’m fine with even just 2019.

Stop trying to rub it all in our faces and remind us over and over and over and over. Yes … we all know it’s “tough times,” but you don’t gotta remind us every time you want to sell paint. Remember the “Whazzup???” guys? I’d kill for them to just be goofy and stupid right now. Oh wait … they DID bring them back and remind us that they were in the Coronavirus! Stop it!!!

Do your job … make us happy!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.