Mr. Off Button

Mr. Off Button

Dear Diary …

I don’t mind working hard.  I won’t complain about that.  I actually think in order to succeed everybody should have to work hard … put in the time … earn things.  To be fair I’d also like to win the lottery, but that ain’t happening, so I’m cool with puttin’ in the work.

That said, I  don’t wanna work ALL the time.  Everybody needs some nice, relaxing down time.  And what I DON’T need is extra work when I’m trying to achieve this down time.

So when I finally get to sit on the couch … ahh … I just wanna lay here for a few minutes … maybe watch something stupid like “Guy’s Grocery Games” … wait … hang on … no! … no! … noooooo!!!!

What’s going on here? Oh nothing.  Just me describing my anguish when I pick up my remote and try to stream a show that just seems to NEVER work right when it’s finally my turn at some down time.

Kids can watch TV for 3 hours, but the second I grab that remote …

“Oh hello … your app needs an update … please standby.”

No!  No update!  Update later!

Or the other thing my Fire Stick likes to do is just randomly forget how to connect to the internet.

“Oh I’m sorry … what is this internet? I forget how to connect!”

Or the other thing it likes to do … Just randomly reboot. 

And again … only when I’m using it.  Nobody else.

Dear God … thank you for all you do and your bounty and the blah blah blah gratitude church stuff … could you PLEASE just give me 10 minutes of downtime and not turn it into an IT department project instead?

Now I certainly don’t miss paying for regular TV, but I definitely miss being able to turn that thing on and immediately have 100 channels at my fingertips … of nothing I actually felt like watching.

Moving on Diary … since we’re talking technology … I need to send a message out to you … Mr. Off Button.   At this point in our existence, there should not be a single human alive who turns their phone off when they go to bed.  And I don’t mean “do not disturb” or silent or whatever … I mean the psychos that shut the thing OFF.  OFF?  What are you doing?  There’s no benefit to this!

You don’t need to conserve battery … you got electricity pourin’ out your wall at all times.

“But I need privacy”

There’s settings for that!

I mean … before cell phones … when you had a actual phone in your house … did you rip the plug out of the wall when you went to bed?  Cuz that’s what you’re doing now!

What if you have an emergency? Somebody breaks in your house and you need to call 911?

“Oh my God!  I need to call 911!” Ok … hang on … it’s restarting … it takes a minute to boot back up.

Op … you’re dead!  Hope it was worth it!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

The “Wild” Animal Encounter

The “Wild” Animal Encounter

Dear Diary …

There are dog people.  There are cat people.  There are “no pet” people.  Everyone is free to be whatever they wanna be.  

I’m a dog person.  I love ‘em and I think they’re great.  I’m not a cat person.  I hate ‘em and I think they’re mean.  But that’s just my opinion … if you like cats … more power to ya.  Go ahead and have cats, drink milk together, listen to Taylor Swift … whatever.  But a reminder … that is a YOU decision … and this decision should not impact me.

So when I’m sitting in my living room … minding my own business … and I have the front door open because it’s a nice day and I wanna have some fresh air … I should not have YOUR cat walk thru my front door!

“Oh hey … meow … is this house taken?”

Get outta here!!!

To be clear … I don’t have my front door just open and exposed to the earth.  I also have a screened in porch, but Garfield over here goes ahead wiggles thru that door and comes waltzin’ on into my house.  

This is not my cat.  I don’t wanna have a cat.  And yet “cat person” thinks it’s perfectly fine to let their animal roam the neighborhood.

Something tells me if my dog walked on in your house, you wouldn’t be OK with that.  So why is it OK to let your cat walk into mine, and hang out in my yard, and poop in my garage, and everything else?

And Diary, I know I’ve brought this up before, but I’m gonna keep doing it in hopes that eventually the cat people will listen.  Pets are to be inside.  If you don’t want them there, then don’t have pets!  And if you wanna act like you have “outdoor pets,” then just let the raccoons root around in your garbage.  Now they can be your buddies!

My wife says, “Oh it’s a sign!” Yes … it’s a sign of how angry I get when there’s a cat in my house. We don’t need that kind of energy! 

Ok … moving on Diary … can I just ask a quick question … why do washing machines have to be so stupid?  As if laundry isn’t annoying enough, why does the washing machine then sit there and be all needy and demand that IT also needs to be clean?

You have one job … to clean things.  So why are we then being asked to clean you separately?  Can’t you figure that out for yourself?  And I don’t wanna hear the reasonable explanations about why they get dirty …  All that means is we know the problem at hand and the washing machine people need to figure it out.

I mean … where does it end?  If I have to then get a washing machine cleaner, then what?  Who cleans the cleaner of the thing that cleans the cleaner? 

Ahhhh!  You see what I’m saying here?  And yes … I am saying something dumb, but I don’t care.  Fix it!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

When Is It MY Turn?

When Is It MY Turn?

Dear Diary …

At the risk of sounding like a whiny little kid, “When is it my turn?”

Wait … I can do better than that … [WHINY] “When is it MY turn???”

As anybody with multiple kids knows, you live in a turn-based society. One kid gets to do something. Then the other kid gets to do it. And so on and so on until they pass out or move out.

Here’s my problem … it’s never MY turn. It’s only ever THEIR turn. How come grown-ups never get to be in the Turn Rotation?

I spend all morning watching some dorky YouTube channel my son likes, followed by an episode of Glee that my daughter wants, then dorky YouTube, then Glee. Dorky YouTube. Glee. Dorky YouTube. Glee.

And as my brain starts to melt I finally ask … hey … when is it my turn?

And both of my kids … the two humans that can never seem to agree on anything … both simultaneously say … “You don’t get a turn!”

What do you mean I don’t get a turn?

And now they make me sound like “Stereotypical Hollywood Dad” because this is my house, my TV, my electricity, and yet I don’t get to have a turn? Oh dear God I’m the Dad in “Friday.”

How come I don’t get a turn? I want a turn!

“Your shows are boring”

Your shows are boring!!

Let’s not act like watching some dork play lousy video games on YouTube is any better than anything I watch. Even if my shows are boring … they ain’t any worse!

I want a turn!

Wait … let me try it again … [WHINY] I want a turn!!!

Moving on Diary … I’d like to just point out that we are all fools that believe the lie of “a couple of days.” We get told something will take “a couple of days” and then we just say, “OK … I believe you.”

Unless it’s Amazon Prime two day shipping, nothing takes a couple days … especially if it has anything to do with your health.

If you don’t feel good, or you tweak a muscle, or whatever the heck else … it all takes a week. And that’s probably if you’re lucky.

Think about every time you get some random pain … it never goes away in “a couple of days” … that stupid thing lingers and lingers and lingers.

And that’s the kick in the gut (or lower back if that’s where you get the pain) … It only takes one second to go from feeling good to feeling terrible. But it NEVER takes one second to go from feeling terrible to feeling good.

Nobody is ever like “Oh man … I’m so sick … [PAUSE] … whoop … nevermind … I feel great now!”

You stink, human body! You take way too long to recover while also taking way too little to go downhill!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Go Home: Nobody Wants You!

Go Home: Nobody Wants You!

Dear Diary …

Today I’d like to introduce a new segment of the Anger Diary called “Go Home … Nobody Wants You!” Because there are just some things that … well …

Bananas. Go home! Nobody wants you!

Ugh … bananas. Nobody actually likes these things. They just eat ‘em because they’re cheap or they’re tricking themselves into thinking they’re healthy or something. Or maybe you’re my grandma who couldn’t swallow pills and needed to stick them into a piece of banana. That’s about the only thing they’re good for.

Fruit flies! So if you would like to start your very own fruit fly colony, it’s very simple, just buy some bananas and put them on your counter. You’ll have a bunch of flies in no time!

Or if you’re my wife, leave one on the counter when we go out of town for a week. Then you get to have the New York City of fruit flies living in your house when you get home!

And there’s only one thing worse than a banana … half a banana. Why do I have to constantly see half a banana on my counter? If you don’t want to eat the whole thing … fine … just throw the rest away! They cost like a nickel … so who cares? Cuz again … fruit flies! How we ever gonna get rid of them as long as these mealy mushy half logs are sitting on my counter?

Here’s another one …

Tired Tellers. Go home! Nobody wants you!

It is beyond me why a “tired teller” ever exists in the first place. This is the person you run into that says, “Boy … you look tired!”

Why are you talking right now?

If I AM tired, I don’t need you reminding me. I already feel like crap, and now you’re just confirming it.

And if I’m NOT tired? Well now you’re basically saying, “Hey there … you look TERRIBLE!”

Oh why thank you! What a wonderful compliment!

I mean I would never say to somebody … “Hey you look really fat and bloated today!” So why is this any different?

Didn’t your Momma or that Bambi movie tell you to not say anything if you ain’t got anything good to say?

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye