The Perfect Gift

The Perfect Gift

Dear Diary …

As we approach Christmas, can we at least just come together and agree on one thing … that not everything makes “a great gift?” Yes … every person is different and likes different things, but at some point we gotta draw a line here.

“Makes a great stocking stuffer!” … We’re at the gas station! Nothing in here counts as a good Christmas gift. And even if you try to argue any individual item … I just ask you this question … if you tell your wife “Honey … I got this at a gas station” … Stop right there. Cuz in her eyes … it ain’t a gift.

Don’t get me wrong … I like free mulch as much as the next guy. But it still ain’t a good Christmas present.

And while we’re talking Christmas … can we just point out how ridiculous some Christmas songs truly are? And this is coming from a guy who LOVES Christmas music, but when I hear the classic song “Do You Hear What I Hear” and they say …

A child, a child
Shivers in the cold
Let us bring him silver and gold

Umm … hmmm … I mean I do like precious metals … but how about we bring him blankets?

Awww … look at the shivering cold baby You know what he needs? Silver!

Or what about the biggest offender … “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” … specifically the Jackson Five version. And here’s why … I’m worried about Santa y’all. Cuz little Michael sneaks downstairs and sees what’s going on and says, “I’m gonna tell my Dad!”


Your Dad is mean!!! He’s gonna try to do very bad things to Santa! Don’t say nothin!

And can we all just agree that “Santa Baby” is the worst Christmas song ever written? What a terrible, materialistic wench of a woman!

First of all … she asks for a yacht. Do you even know anyone who owns a yacht? I mean I got a buddy with a pontoon on Smith Mountain Lake, but that’s about it. And not only that, she says “it’s not a lot.” Not a lot?? It’s a yacht!

And THEN she asks for a deed to a platinum mine. Oh great! Not just jewelry, but somehow I have to fly to Africa and pretend I’m in the movie “Blood Diamond” to try to secure an entire deed.

Oh and THEN … she says she wants a duplex. So she’s already got a yacht, an African mine, and still she feels the need to become a rental property owner?? And who do you think is going to have to answer any of the maintenance calls? Not her!

Oh but let’s not forget … THEN she also throws in a ring. OK look … I’m all for equal rights here … but this is a two way street ma’am … you’re gonna have to throw in some stuff on your end cuz Santa’s already married and he’s gonna get in big trouble if he gets you all these things. Good lord!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

You Lazy Grandparents

You Lazy Grandparents

Dear Diary …

Now I’m not sure if this is a new thing.  Maybe it’s always been “a thing” but I just never noticed until it impacted me in my adult life, but have grandparents always been lazy and terrible gift givers?  

I don’t remember that being the case when I was a kid, but I was also a kid, and I was … you know … stupid.  So maybe it’s always been like this …  I don’t know.  But what I do know is the grandparents of today … y’all are lazy and terrible gift givers.

And I don’t mean that you give bad gifts … because that would imply that you actually do SOMETHING.  Instead … y’all do nothing.

Every Christmas in my house, every grandparent is the same.  They call me and say “I need you to tell me what to get the children for Christmas.”

Oh wait .. let me do it in old people voice … “I need you to tell me what to get the children for Christmas.” There … now it’s more grandparent-y

And not just “hey give me some ideas” but more “please send me direct links on Amazon to be able to purchase the items” … or my favorite is when they say, “well you have Amazon Prime, so why don’t you just go ahead and order it on your account and I’ll send you a check.”

Oh great!  So not only do I have to do all your shopping for you, then I gotta hunt you down for the money you owe me.  Oh … and let’s not forget … when the gift arrives at MY house … guess who then gets to wrap it.  ME!

And yet somehow … even though I picked out the item, paid for it, and wrapped it … it’s a gift from you?

“Hey did the kids like my presents?”


And the biggest kick in the gut here as a parent is you spread all these great gifts around that somebody else takes credit for.  Then Santa slides in and steals even more of your thunder, so all you have left are the scraps.  And then our kids sit there on Christmas thinking, “Geez, my own parents really didn’t even get me anything good.”

Well a Merry Christmas to you too you little turd!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

The One Ply Guy

The One Ply Guy

Dear Diary …

Yes … I am well aware that this has been a VERY trying year. Now I’m not gonna sit here and waste your time running down all the things that suck here in 2020. You already know what they are. And … if you don’t … um … can I be you? Or at least can I have a sip of whatever paint thinner or marijuana juice you’re drinkin’?

Cuz here’s the deal … I don’t care how difficult things have gotten … we as a society have advanced enough that we should NEVER have to accept one-ply toilet paper.

People … we’re better than this. I don’t care how scarce things get at the store, we should ALWAYS still have two ply available. “Oh but you know … supply chain … and the demand and stuff” …. AHHHHHH!!!! Zip it!

Two things …

First … The one ply people seem to have figured out the mythical “supply chain.” Every time things get all scarce at the store … there’s good ol’ one ply … showin’ up outta nowhere like a stinkbug on your bedroom wall. Never saw how it got there in the first place … but there it is … lookin’ all stupid.

Second … I don’t care if the people at the store have to open up these packages of one-ply and hand roll them together into two-ply … do it! Stinkin’ grocery store has made enough money this year as it is … you can afford to put a “Toilet Paper Roller” on the payroll.

Nobody needs one ply. Shoot … even if you have a dang septic tank … you should be able to handle something better than that one ply sadness And if you can’t? MOVE! It ain’t worth it to live life that way.

You know what else we’re better than? Old mops. Yeah that’s right … I’m talkin’ mops. Those ratty, raggedly lookin’ old school mops that people used to have to use during like … Cinderella times and stuff.

And I guess ultimately … I don’t care … cuz I just won’t buy one of these stupid things. But what drives me crazy is that they’re still being offered for sale at all. I hate when things that don’t work are still out there for people to waste their hard earned money on.

Like that tack stuff that they sell you that they say you can stick on a wall and hold stuff up? Yeah … it don’t. Ever. And yet it’s still there … makin’ money.

Hey I have an idea for a product. It’s terrible and never works as promised. Now gimme $10.

OK … I’m not gonna lie … “mops and wall tack” … this is what it’s come to in the Anger Diary? This is the best I got?

Well … let me just say … coronavirus. What? Everybody else gets to use it as an excuse! So there … coronavirus!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye