Month: March 2021

Dear Diary …

I would start this entry by saying “we’re all smart people” … we’re not … (but you knew that already). Now I will say this … I do think everyone is smart in their own way about SOMETHING. I mean, no matter how dumb as a whole you might be, I’d like to think that you at least have a decent amount of knowledge on one topic in particular. Maybe you can’t math so good, but you know a lot about cars. Maybe you can’t talk to women to save your life, but you crush it at fixing a computer.

But what always amazes me is there is a way for us to be “instantly dumb” about one particular thing. It doesn’t matter how much of a wizard you are at using your phone … the SECOND you are handed somebody else’s phone, you instantly become stupid.

Two seconds earlier you knew how to do EVERYTHING on your phone, but now you’re suddenly like a caveman who just got thawed out of an iceberg and was handed an iPhone and told to use it. “Me don’t know where button is to take picture. How me hold this again???”

How does this happen? I mean … yeah … all the apps aren’t in the same place, but our brain is like, “What are apps? Do you mean like potato skins? Those kinds of apps?”

And it’s not just an iPhone vs. Android thing. My wife and I both have iPhones. But if she hands me her phone, she may as well handed me a scroll of Egyptian hieroglyphics and asked me to decode them. How am I so stupid so quickly?

Oh and speaking of stupid diary … why do we let ourselves fall for stupid labels that we know aren’t even true? Take for example the label “best value” … it’s never actually the best value at the store. It’s just the most expensive version of the product. Oh but if you buy ten cans of beans, then it’s the “best value!” Yeah … for you. Now I gotta buy ten cans of beans just to save 9 cents per can. This doesn’t feel like the best possible value.

Or what about the stupid questions we allow to be asked? Ever gone to buy a car and been asked this one … “Well …how much would you like to spend today?”

Honestly? Zero. I would like to buy a car for zero.

“That’s not what I meant. You can’t answer that?”

Yes I can. You asked how much I want to spend. In a perfect world, you hand me the keys and I drive away. So there’s my starting offer. Zero. Your counter?

Or what about in a job interview … “Where would you like your career to be in 5 years?”

Filthy freakin’ rich and retired and of course!

“Oh you can’t say that, it needs to be more realistic.”

And why does it? Am I supposed to say, “Well Gene … I just strive for a pathetic middle management position with no hope of advancement that I can then live paycheck to paycheck until I’m 70.” … is that the right answer?

Yeah … maybe I won’t be filthy rich and retired in 5 years … but that’s ALWAYS gonna be the plan until it finally gets here. Anything less is just loser attitude.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Dear Diary …

I know how you’re feeling right now. Terrible!  Of course you are … we all are. And it’s because we continue to allow ourselves to be controlled by some silly rule about Daylight Saving Time.  Or Daylight Savings Time.   Or whatever it is.  You see!  You see how stupid it is?  We don’t even know what to call it.

Here’s a history lesson for you … there was once a guy named George who liked collecting bugs during his free time after work, and he wanted there to be more sunlight so he could collect more bugs.  So George wrote a paper and sent it to the government, and the government said “Ok George, we’ll change the time an hour for you so you can collect more bugs.”

And that … my friends … is how Daylight Saving Time started.

Seriously.

Some guy who liked bugs asked if we would change the clocks.  So we did.

This.  This is the rule we still live by because “bug man” wanted it so.

So you see right there how ridiculous the whole thing is … so today is a fantastic day to simply … leave it alone.  We just “Springed forward” … now it’s lighter later … and we can just never do this again.

Never again will you have to feel like hammered snot for a week.  Never again will you have to try to figure out how to reset that weird clock on the microwave.  Never again.  Makes total sense.

But here’s the problem … some of y’all are going to complain.  Why?  Cuz that’s what you do.    I’m pretty sure you just like complaining because you seem to be perfectly fine until somebody tries to mess with something you didn’t even care about, and now suddenly you care SO MUCH!

They stopped publishing a bunch of Dr. Seuss books nobody had ever even heard of, and then suddenly we all went insane.  “They can’t cancel those books!”

OK … which ones were they again?  “I don’t know … but I’m angry anyway!”  And who do you think had the last laugh here?  Dr. Suess!  They cut some sucky books from their roster, and then everybody bought the heck out of the other ones as some sort of protest.  Welp … you showed them!

Then you got mad because they changed the brand name of Mr. Potato Head to “Potato Head.”  “They can’t cancel Mr. Potato Head!!”

First of all … it’s a toy from like 1950 that nobody over the age of one even cares about.

Second … it’s a potato.  There ain’t no Mr. Potato or Mrs. Potato.  It’s a potato.  When’s the last time you ordered “boy french fries” when you went to McDonald’s?  And does that mean a Chick Fil-A waffle fry is a girl?  I don’t know … you tell me since the sex of yo’ potatoes is so vital to your everyday life.

So yeah … I’m sure we could stop Daylight Saving Time, but then you’ll get all “They can’t cancel the time change!!!  It’s the way we’ve always done it!”

You know what else we used to do all the time back in the day?  Duels.

But eventually we realized … we didn’t really need to do duels anymore.  So tell me then why it makes sense that twice a year we decide to have a big shootout at the OK-Corral for old time’s sake?

Ain’t a human out there that enjoys a 4pm sunset … so let’s just stop messin’ with the clocks right now and never do it again.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Dear Diary …

As you’ve probably noticed … health and wellness of the population has kinda been a big deal lately. And if you hadn’t noticed … um … can I have a couple sips of that ignorance juice you been drinkin’? Cuz I don’t wanna notice no more either.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past year, it’s that there ain’t no truer term on Earth than “ignorance is bliss.” People get all mad if you call them stupid … “I’m not stupid! I’m smart! How dare you say that to me!!” Why you mad, bro?

I am smart. And I hate it. You know what happens when you’re smart? You think too much and you notice everything. It’s awful! Plus … people expect stuff from you … like to do work and take care of responsibilities. Nobody ever does that when you’re an idiot. So just sit there and be happy that you have all this free time and very little responsibility.

Anyway … I’m gettin’ sidetracked. You see! Too much brain stuff. Gets me all distracted!! So what I want to say is that with this emphasis on public health and wellness … I need to bring to light two previously undiagnosed medical conditions.

The first is called Textolepsy. Now you’ve probably heard of narcolepsy … that’s the thing where people just randomly fall asleep. Well textolepsy is very similar, but it’s when you are having a seemingly normal conversation with someone on text. You text them … they text you back … back and forth … until you get to a point where you ask them a question that requires an answer … and suddenly the textoleptic has gone into some kind of coma and completely disappears.

And don’t you play dumb with me or lie and act like you got busy all of a sudden because you immediately respond to every text until I say … so … we good for Tuesday?

And then … [crickets]

And I see you! I see you still liking stuff on your Instagram, so don’t be giving me no “Oh I just didn’t have my phone with me.”

I also believe that textolepsy comes with a level of short term memory loss, because when the textoleptic finally does return to the conversation, they still never answer the question or even act like they remember being asked anything. So clearly what we have here is a medical condition!

Here’s another one … Laughatitis.

These are the people who will be in another room … my wife is a sufferer of laughatitis … and all of a sudden you hear them [laughing] … Laughin’ out loud all by themselves.

And when I ask … What are you laughin’ at?

“Oh nothing. Just something on my phone.”

What the heck man? Why you all laughin’ out loud and calling attention to it, but then when I ask … “Oh nothin’”

It’s fine if you’re just keeping something to yourself, but then don’t be makin’ noises!!! Sometimes I see something that’s funny, but if I don’t wanna share, I just don’t make noise.

People with laughatits also have a side effect that causes them to initiate conversations that they don’t actually want to have.

They do things like look on their phone and go … “Oh that’s interesting.”

[pause]

What? What’s interesting?

“Oh nothin’”

If you don’t wanna talk, fine! But then … DON’T TALK!!! Congratulations … you saw something on the internet. Either share it … or be quiet!

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye