Month: April 2021

Dear Diary …

I guess sometimes in order to understand the present, we must look back at the past. So let’s look back. WAY back. Remember the … like … you know … Bible? Yeah … like I said … we goin’ WAY back.

So in the Bible, there was this dude Noah. Everybody knows the story of Noah. God tells him he’s gotta build a big ol’ boat and grab two of everything and throw it on the boat. So Noah does what God says, saves all the animals and becomes an inspiration to children everywhere in present times.

OK … I know what you’re thinking … “That seems like a little bit of a jump to go 2,000 years into the future and say he’s inspiring children today. What do you even mean by that?”

Well … I’ll tell you what I mean by that … clearly he’s inspired kids today. And definitely MY kids today. And not with the whole “hey listen to what God tells you to do” angle, but more in the “make sure you have two of everything” angle.

Because that’s what they do. If there’s an open box of Cheezits … definitely make sure to not notice, and open a second box instead. My whole dang pantry is a tribute to Noah’s Ark … cuz we got two of everything open in there.

“Oh I didn’t see it!”

You didn’t see the box of Cheezits … right next to the other box of Cheezits?

And since the answer is “no,” I have to assume all logic is thrown out the door and it is simply Divine Intervention and the story of Noah’s Ark still having an impact today.

So … Diary … while I’m talking about pain and suffering. I mean … I was talking about the Bible. Have you read that thing? It’s got a LOT of chapters where some bad stuff goes down. Who lot of smotin’ and sinnin’ and warrin’

Anyway … I’ve learned that the single most painful question I can ask my son is … “Can you brush your teeth please?”

Sounds like an easy enough request. Heck … It sounds like a downright pleasant request since I’m asking you to fill your mouth with cleanliness and minty freshness. But what’s the response every time?

“Ugghhhhhhhh … OKKKAAAYYYYY”

You would’ve thought I had said … “Hey boy … please throw a bunch of needles in your mouth and swish them around for a while.”

See … this is why most kids have breath that smells like hot garbage … cuz they don’t wanna listen to even the most simplest requests.

I tell people this all the time if they’re about to start having kids … be prepared to have a life form that you are in charge or who’s number one goal is to kill themselves and your number one goal will be to make sure they don’t.

Think about it. That’s all they do. Babies try to fling themselves down the stairs. Toddlers try to fall down a well. And even when they’re older all they wanna do is drink Sprite for breakfast and stare at their phone 23 and a half hours a day. Then they get a license and try to drive 100 miles and hour while not paying attention the road. And then they ask you to go on trips to Mexico with just their friends “cuz I’m old enough to go on my own.”

It’s a wonder any of them make it 18 really.

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye

Dear Diary …

Let me ask you this … Who set the rules in your house? Do you even know? Because I have no clue.

In my house, “iPad Time” apparently starts at 2pm. Why 2pm? I have no idea! I feel like maybe at some point I may have told a child they had to wait until 2pm on a particular day to use their iPad, but I never recall entering it into Castle Jackson Family Law. And yet it is.

2pm is now the single most recognizable time in my home. I could ask my son to do his homework at exactly 1pm and I can guarantee you he would “forget” unless I remind him. Meanwhile, when “iPad Law” kicks in at 2pm, you can be rest assured at 1:59 he’s counting it down like they’re dropping the ball on New Year’s Rockin’ Eve … 3 … 2 … 1 … Happy iPad Time!

Heck … I’ve seen him outside playing with his friends, and then start sprinting down the street at 2pm. I mean God forbid we spend an extra few minutes outside … not when it’s IPAD TIME!!!!

I also have no idea who set the rule that said every single meal must come with a dessert. And not just dinner … gotta have your “lunch dessert” too! Just randomly walking in the room with an ice cream cone at noon.

What are you doing?

“I’m having my lunch dessert!”

You ate one bite of a sandwich, and somehow that counted as lunch?

Sometimes when my son gets home from school his entire lunch is still in there.

Why didn’t you eat your lunch?

“I wasn’t hungry.”

OK well where’s the dessert?

“Oh I ate that!”

No child understands the definition of “I’m full.” I hate when they say “I’m full” at dinner, because they’re liars. They’re not full. They just don’t wanna eat regular food anymore. They want dessert.

“I’m full” is almost immediately followed by, “can I have ice cream?”

I thought you were full?

“Yeah … of dinner”

That’s not full! “Full” is full. So don’t use the word if you don’t mean it! Just say “I ate three bites of chicken and one pea and now I think I qualify for cupcakes.” Because we all know that’s what you’re getting at anyway.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Dear Diary …

Now I’m not complaining …

OK … I’m kind of complaining. But hear me out here, because I’m complaining … with respect! You can do that, right? You can complain about something, but still respect the heck out of the person doing it. Right?

Because that’s where I’m at with the trash guy. Or gal. But for the purposes of this Anger Diary, let’s just call him the trash guy … because “trash person” has no flow to it at all. Now I respect the heck out of the trash guy. I mean … this is THE definition of a dirty job. They pick up your nasty raw chicken juice, dirty diapers, dog poop, and Lord knows what else. So let me make it VERY clear that I am grateful for the trash guy and everything they do for the rest of us.

But I have to ask … why you gotta throw my trash cans all over the place when you’re done with them? My trash cans are in the alley. And when I go out there after trash pickup, the people across from the alley have this spot for their trash cans that’s the exact same size as the cans. And theirs are carefully placed back in that spot every time.

Meanwhile … I don’t have a space like that. Mine is more wide open. And by wide open I mean WIDE OPEN … because my cans are tossed all over the place like they were on fire when the trash guy was there and the only way to put out that fire was to toss the cans as haphazardly as possible.

Neighbor’s side … neat and tidy. My side … chaos!

So I need you to level with me … Is there a Trash Guy Olympics that I don’t know about? You know … big international trash guy competition with all sorts of events like the Leave The Lid Open When It’s About to Rain Marathon, the Bulk Trash Relay, and of course the event my guys are training for … The Trash Can Toss.

I’ll be honest … I’m looking for less of an explanation here and more of an invite to the competition, because my guys are training hard and I think they can take the gold medal in the Trash Can Toss this year. And I just wanna be there at the World Championships. So when they successfully toss that thing 50 feet down the road for the victory … they can look to me in the crowd and point.

You.

And I’ll stand up and I’ll point back … no … YOU!

See? I’m not even complaining THAT much and demanding that you gently place my can down in the spot you found it. I just wanna come to the Trash Guy Olympics and cheer you on. Let’s make it happen!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Dear Diary ..

I used to think I was smart, but then I see some of the things I do and I realize … I’m an idiot. And the reason is because other people have figured out the scam and I haven’t. Dumb!

When I go on vacation or just take a couple days off from work … I do the same stupid thing every time. I go do my thing, but then I check my email, answer my texts, and say stupid things like “if there’s an emergency just reach out and let me know.” What a moron! Because all I’m doing is giving an open invitation to the entire world to hit me up with “I hate to bother you while you’re on vacation … buuuuuuuut …”

Why am I trying to be responsible and helpful? That’s just ridiculous, because meanwhile the rest of you have figured it out. I get this auto reply email all the time …

“I am out of the office and in the woods and don’t have any access to the internet or cell service.”

You know what?

[[SLOW CLAP]]

Bravo! You did it. You beat the system.

Let’s be honest here … there’s like two of us out there that are ACTUALLY going into some sort of technology free wilderness, because even the times I have been “out in nature” … I’m still gettin’ a couple bars for service. Cuz … um … you know where they have wifi? The top of Mount Everest!!! So if they have it, I promise you most everybody else has it too.

But what I’m learning is … you’re the only one who knows that. So just make it sound like you’re on an expedition to the Arctic Circle, and now you get to fall off the face of the Earth for a week. It’s genius really and I’m mad at myself for not thinking of it sooner. Granted, now that I’ve opened my stupid mouth, everyone is just going to assume I’m lying and hit me up anyway, “I know you said you’d be unavailable, but just in case you get this ….”

You see? Stupid!! That’s me. Public Idiot #1.

And the other thing I do that is just plain idiotic … The week before I take any time off, I go nutso setting EVERYTHING up for while I’m gone so nobody has to worry about anything. So really I’m not taking any time off since I’m working twice as much that week before just to be “off” that next week. That’s not “off” … that’s just a redistribution of time. Meanwhile everybody just manages to sneak out the back door of life, “Ooooh yeah … can you cover that for me? I’m unavailable.”

So now I’m over here covering their time. What an idiot!

Seriously Diary, I gotta rethink my whole assessment of my intellectual abilities, because I’m starting to think I don’t have any.

Till next time Diary … I say .. Goodbye