The Lies We Tell

The Les We Tell

Dear Diary …

They always say “you gotta take care of yourself” and to “treat yourself” and “put yourself first” … so basically … do things to be good to yourself and set yourself up for success. That makes sense. So why is it then, that we all lie to ourselves all the time?

We’re supposed to be our biggest fan … I mean if there’s ONE person on Earth you should be able to rely on to tell you the truth, it should be … well … you. But really, you might be the last person to ask because the lies we tell ourselves are ridiculous.

I will admit right now that NEVER … in my entire life … have I actually “just rested my eyes for a minute.” Every single time I’m laying there watching TV and I start to get a little sleepy, that same lie creeps into my head … “Oh well I’m not ready to go to sleep yet. Let me just rest my eyes for minuZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ….”

Oh look … it’s morning!

Of course it’s morning! Because I fell asleep. I always fall asleep. Nad it’s not even a big deal that I fall asleep … so why am I lying to myself that I’m going to successfully “rest my eyes?” Either get up and do something else, or just go to bed!

Here’s another lie I tell myself … that I need to bother storing anything in my freezer. Diary … I have this gigantic freezer in my basement. And you know what it’s full of? Nothing!

And I’m not saying it’s empty … it’s totally full right up to the top. And yet somehow every time I think about what to make for dinner, it’s nothing I actually want to use. So what in the heck is actually in this thing? And why am I lying to myself that I even need to bother saving anything for later, since all I ever end up doing is going to the store day of to buy stuff?

And I don’t even wanna THINK about how money I spent filling this giant box chock full o’ nothing. All of which was almost certainly done in the name of “saving money” in the first place.

So I blame you … you. Or is it … me? Us?

Oh whatever. Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Mystery Nails

The Mystery Nails

Dear Diary …

Last week I had to get my tire fixed because I ran over a nail. About two months ago I had to get a different tire fixed because I ran over a nail. And this is probably the fourth or fifth time in my driving career I’ve had to get a tire fixed because I ran over a nail.

So it brings me to this question … WHERE ARE ALL THESE NAILS COMING FROM???

OK not exactly that … because I get that there’s gonna be random nails laying around on the ground … but what I don’t understand is … how is it so easy to have them jam into your tire?

I mean … in all of the times you’ve been driving down the road … how many times have you seen a nail balancing perfectly and sticking straight up in the air for you to run over? And remember … seeing it in cartoons doesn’t count.

Me? Zero.

And yet you can somehow still have a nail poking right thru the middle of your tire as if that’s exactly what happened. So what sort of voodoo witchcraft is actually happening to make it so?

And while I’m dealing with life’s ridiculous mysteries … can I ask you “yard sale people” a question? And look … you wanna be Yard Sale People? That’s fine. If the thrill of your Saturday is buying other’s people’s curb garbage for a dollar and that brings you joy, then you do you. I’m not here to judge.

But I have to ask … wherever it is that you people come from … do they not have driveways there?

I have to assume they don’t … because every time you come to my neighborhood … you park your car in front of mine. Even if there’s an open space nearby … “Nah … I’d much rather block this driveway instead!”

Do you not understand the rules? Do you only use your car on Saturdays for yard salin’?

“Oh sorry … let me move my car for you.”

Actually … how about you just never put it there in the first place?

Also … browsing of a yard sale is to be done AFTER you park and get out of your car. Not while you are still in your car, in the middle of the road, driving one mile an hour while four cars are stuck behind you.

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye.

A Waste of School

A Waste of School

Dear Diary …

As the school year winds down … or is already over is some places … let me just ask this … Why are we all wasting our time? And what I mean is … when the school year starts to wrap up … I am quite certain that the last two weeks of it are chock full of … well … nothing.

There’s nothing going!

OK … there’s field day, and movie day, and picnic day, and “wear a funny hat day,” and whatever else, but there’s definitely no “do schoolwork day” mixed in there.

And before you get all “we worked hard all year and the SOLs are the worst and blah blah blah” … I’m not saying any of that is wrong. All that stuff is true. No argument there. But if there’s two weeks left of school … and we aren’t really doing any actual school … why are we bothering?

Cuz you know what sucks? Car line.

But you know what sucks more than car line? Car line when you’re picking a kid up from school where all they did that day was watch movies and eat lollipops. Because I can promise you something … my kid don’t need to learn how to do those things any more. He’s already the valedictorian of Television and Junk Food University. Already working on his master’s degree.

And if you wanna do all that stuff for two weeks … fine. But maybe the whole thing should just be optional. I kept my kids home from school one day last week simply because we didn’t feel like getting them up in the morning or having to pick them up later. And of course I still get the robocall … “your child had an unexcused absence from school today.”

Oh … I am SO sorry. Please let me know how much of “Moana” you guys watched today at “school” and I’ll be sure to get him caught up on all his homework.

This takes me back to the classic argument I always have with people … when you’re there … you’re there. And when you’re open … you’re open.

If you work at a restaurant that closes at 10pm and you’re mad that somebody walks in at 9:45 … then YOU NEED TO CLOSE AT 9:45 IF YOU DON’T WANT PEOPLE AT THAT TIME!!!!

“Well there’s only like a week left of school.” So?

If you’re open … you’re open.

And if you don’t wanna do anything … then just say “Hey … we ain’t gonna do anything for the next two weeks. So just drop your kid off if you feel like having free daycare … or just feel free to keep them home if you’d rather not bother.” That’s all I’m asking!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.