The Forward Creep

The Forward Creep

Dear Diary …

Warning. We are being invaded by an evil spirit.

It lurks in your home … it hides in the shadows … and when you least expect it … it attacks. [scream]

That’s right my friends … I’m talking about the “forward creep.”

The “forward creep” is a beast that exists all throughout your home … the cabinets … the fridge … the dishwasher. And it is when people who don’t know how to do things properly are asked to put things away. Because what do these people do? They immediately stick an item in the nearest possible place … the front … and then leave it there.

So inevitably what you end up with is a shelf … a fridge … a dishwasher … or whatever … that looks like it’s TOTALLY full … but in fact there’s TONS of space in the back … it’s just that nobody ever bothers to put anything there.

My family loves the forward creep. You can be rest assured that if there’s a space in the front … they will fill it up immediately. But if there’s a space in the back? I’m not even sure they know if there is a back to things.

And I say this because even if there is stuff in the back … like say … an OPEN box of Cheezits. You can be rest assured that they will open a brand new box if it’s closer to the front. So I think they might actually be “back blind” or lack some sort of spatial recognition, because I’m not sure they can even see past the front of anything.

But it won’t stop them from complaining … “Oh the fridge is SO full!”

No. No it isn’t. Just the front 11% of the fridge is full. The rest is barren.

Here’s your life lesson people … you load from the back. I don’t care what it is … trunk … shelf … or underwear drawer … LOAD FROM THE BACK!!!!

Moving on Diary …

I understand that some things in life are going to be annoying, but can we at least get some consistency in the way things operate? There’s no reason why one direction should be completely uneven from the other.

And what I mean by this is pretty simple … if it is very easy for you to TAKE … then it should be very easy for you to RETURN. When I pay for something … you seem to be able to process that payment IMMEDIATELY and take that money from my account. But if I need to return that same thing? “Oh well sir it’s going to take 9-12 business days to process that request.”

And exactly why is that? You have the technology to immediately TAKE … so you should have the technology to immediately RETURN.

And further … if I can opt-in to something with a quick click of an “OK” button … then if should be just as easy to opt-OUT of that same thing. But NOOOOO … you wanna cancel something? You gotta call … you gotta sit on hold … you gotta fill out a form.

Look … I ain’t stupid … I know you do it because you know people are lazy and they’ll just keep paying for longer than they want to because they don’t feel like jumping thru all the hoops … but that doesn’t make it right ya scam-bag.

Oooh … “scam-bag” … I kinda like that as an insult. I’m gonna start using that more.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Bad Bedroom

The Bad Bedroom

Dear Diary …

Clearly there are some rules in this world that I don’t know about. They aren’t published in any law or rule book, they don’t necessarily make any kind of practical sense, and they aren’t even discussed. And yet … they are there.

For example … There simply MUST be an unwritten rule that all vacation houses that are available for rent are required by unspoken law that one bedroom within the home MUST be terrible.

Every single vacation home I have ever looked at is the same. If there are 4 bedrooms, three of them are decent, and then the 4th one is the one nobody wants. Just booked a place … first bedroom … king bed master suite … great. Next two bedrooms … queen beds … fine. Bedroom number 4? One twin bed. WHY????

I’m convinced the most popular TV show in heaven is a reality show called “Bad Bedroom.” It’s produced by … well … God. And everybody in heaven gathers round to watch “Bad Bedroom” where living couples down on Earth try to figure out who gets stuck with the lousy bedroom in the vacation home. There’s no other reasonable explanation … it HAS to be that!!

It’s as if it’s human nature to just ruin things even though you don’t have to. Like the fact that way too many people try to cheat when they are having hypothetical conversations. Not even real … and yet here we are … trying to destroy the whole conversation.

And what I’m talking about are the people who refuse to play along when you are playing fake games like … “You come across a genie who will grant you one wish. What do you wish for?”

And since we already know people are cheaters, you have to first say “and you’re not allowed to wish for an unlimited number of wishes.” And even when you say that, this weasel will say, “OK well then I wish for the genie to show up each day for a new wish.” NO! You can’t do that!!

Why is it so hard to just play along with the game? It’s not even real! At no point in your life is a genie ACTUALLY going to grant you anything because YOU ARE NOT ALADDIN! So just have some fun with it.

If I ask you “What’s the first thing you would buy if you win the lottery?” don’t be the annoying person that says, “Well I would set up a charitable foundation to help build houses for people who were born with only nine toes.” Would you just say “buy a Ferrari” and move on? You can set up your little charity on day four … but can you at least admit to me that you’re gonna first go to Vegas for the weekend and pull your pants down in the middle of the casino and yell “I’m King of the World!” first?

Me? I’m gonna buy that giant wheel of cheese … the one that hangs in the netting and is way too expensive to ever buy whole … I’m gonna buy it .. and then I’m gonna sit on the floor of the store … in my underwear … and just take a big bite out of it.

I’m King of the World!!!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

How To Lose Money

How To Lose Money

Dear Diary …

Everywhere you look, there’s advice on “How to Save Money” … “How to Boost Your Savings” … blah blah blah. So I won’t bother with that. You can go find those articles on your own. Instead … I’m give you advice on how to lose money.

I don’t recommend you actually follow this advice (unless you’re just some super rich weirdo looking to blow thru your fortune). I just figure that since I can’t give you any good tips on saving money … since I myself can’t seem to do it … you can maybe just do the opposite of my advice and it’ll save you some pennies or something.

The single easiest way to lose money is pretty simple … have children. And while that’s an obvious answer because … well … you’re paying for a whole other life form … it goes deeper than that. I’m not talking about the big ticket things like food, diapers, college, weddings, and a place to live … you can still overcome those and save money. I’m talking about the little ways that children will bleed you dry.

For example … take them to a store. Any store. Doesn’t even matter what they sell. Doesn’t even have to be something you think kids are interested in. If it’s a store selling stuff, your kids will figure out a way to want something in that store. Shoot … I bet you could go to a cabinet store and a crafty kid would at least figure out that they sold candy bars at the register.

I took my daughter to the convenience store the other day for a snack. Look … I was having a weak moment as a parent … she was being a good kid and I was feeling all … like … loving and stuff. So I let her pick out a snack. $10 dollars later.

$10 dollars later!?!?

That ain’t a snack! That’s a meal! Or like a share of stock in a company or something.

And don’t even get me started on if you’re dumb enough to take a kid to one of those candy stores. Good lord … you could spend a college tuition on a half dozen circus peanuts and some gummy worms!

And just so you don’t feel like I’m blindly name calling you … I too am stupid enough to go to one of those candy stores. Went to one last week on vacation. The kids found this wacky Japanese drink they claim is “totally awesome.” So I buy them a 6-pack.

No clue how much it was until I get to the register. $17!!!

My wife says, “Wow that’s like a 6 pack of beer.”

Uhhh … no … it’s like a case of beer. And wacky Japanese soda juice thingie doesn’t even get you drunk. But hey … it’s got a weird marble in the bottom that doesn’t actually do anything other than make the drink cost $17.

God I’m stupid. Why do I keep trying to come up with smart ways to make money? I need to come up with DUMB ways to make money.

Here’s another helpful tip if you’re looking to lose money with children … buy foods that they like to eat. I know what you’re thinking … “But these are foods that they like … So aren’t they going to eat them?”

Ahhh … you would think that … but I’ve learned something with children … If there’s a food that they like … and you buy one of them … they will immediately eat it all and force you to go back to the store and get more.

But if you buy five of those items or a really big box because it’s on sale … the children will immediately not like that food anymore.

And if you need further proof … just come enjoy one of the five containers of mint chocolate chip yogurt that are sitting in my stupid refrigerator right now. Daughter eats them every stinking day when I buy one or two … but the minute they were on sale and I bought five?

“I don’t really like those anymore”

Great! Because you know who does like those? Nobody! Because they are mint chocolate chip yogurt and that’s gross!!!

There … hope you enjoyed my anti-finance tips by Zack Jackson. Go do the opposite and you should be rich in no time.

Till next time Diary … I say .. Goodbye