I Don’t Understand You

I Don’t Understand You

Dear Diary …

There’s some things I just don’t understand. Actually … It’s also some people I don’t understand. Buuut … people are weird … so I can totally understand why I don’t understand. Understand?

I mean picture this scenario that I’m sure you’ve been in. Somebody calls you. A coworker maybe. You don’t answer the call because you missed it, or you were busy, or you simply didn’t wanna because it was a coworker and you have no idea what their motive is. So you let it go to voicemail.

And then … nothing.

No voicemail. No text message. No second call to try to get you to answer. No follow up email.


So my question is … why the heck did they call in the first place? If it was something important, wouldn’t they need to eventually get in touch with you and figure it out? And if it wasn’t important … then why you calling me in the first place and wasting my time? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE???

I don’t understand!

Here’s another thing I don’t understand … Rainforest shower heads.

You know … those big gigantic shower heads that rich people have in their bathrooms. And they hang in the middle of the shower and it’ll “rain down upon you like a warm summer’s eve … ahhh.”

Guess what? They’re awful!

I stayed in an AirBnB recently with one of these things. And yeah … it feels like being in the rain … if by “rain” you mean a violent thunderstorm that catches you off guard and you have no umbrella and you feel like you are choking to death.

There’s no middle ground with these things. You’re either standing right on the edge … trying to barely stick your head in there while the rest of your body is cold and dry, or you’re drowning. And this stupid show I was in was also set up so all your soaps and shampoos were on the other side of the water … so it was like trying to pass thru a hurricane just to get some body wash.

So good news fellow peasant … your pathetic “regular” shower head is way better … so don’t be jealous of Mr. Rich Guy and his awful thunderstorm shower.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

I Hate Dinner

I Hate Dinner

Dear Diary ….

I love cooking dinner. Taking quality ingredients … spending time preparing them … listening to music … enjoying a cocktail … and then serving a delicious dish.

With that said … dinner itself … I HATE IT!

And as you just heard … it’s not the actual preparing of the dinner, it’s the fact that dinner happens … every … single … NIGHT. It’s a relentless monster. As soon as you eat it, it’s immediately .. “Well what are we going to have for dinner tomorrow?”

And you can argue “Well just get takeout.” Yeah sure … that’s fine … but it’s not like you can do that all the time unless you wanna spend a million dollars and weigh a million pounds. And even if you do … you still actually have to figure out WHAT you’re gonna eat.

See … that’s the true beast of dinner … the choosing. I don’t mind cooking it, but it’s exhausting trying to figure out WHAT to cook day after day after day. And you know how I know this? It’s because when my wife offers to make dinner … which I greatly appreciate … the first thing she says is … “I don’t know what to make. What should I make?”

Oh no! If you’re gonna make it … then you gotta choose it. If I still gotta pick it, well now the hard part is over and I might as well be the one who cooks it.

And the worst part about dinner is that it happens even if you don’t wanna. Like compare it to going to the gym … you don’t wanna? Well then you just don’t go. End of story. But with dinner … even if you don’t wanna … you still gotta eat food.

How do these people pull it off where they just don’t have to do it? Because I’m convinced my family has figured it out on the night’s I’m not around. I went out of town for three and a half days last week, and when I came back all the same stuff was still in the fridge. Even the old leftovers that totally should’ve been thrown out long ago. The same dirty dishes were still in the sink too. It’s like they figured out a way to survive for multiple days without ever having to enter the kitchen.

What is this voodoo wizardry they have figured out and how do I learn these magical skills?

Is this like one of those yoga/Zen things?

“Visualize … the dinner you think has to happen … does not have to happen. Annnnd …. [breath] … you are full.”

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Thin Crust Pizza is Stupid

Thin Crust Pizza Is Stupid

Dear Diary …

Let’s just get right to the point and put this debate to bed once and for all … Thin crust pizza is stupid and doesn’t count as real pizza. And I don’t know why this is even a debate, but some people refuse to accept reality and keep ordering this trash.

And I’m not gonna make a lot of friends when I say this next thing … but that’s OK … I don’t really want any more friends anyway (may even be cool with dropping a few of the friends I have). This feels like a woman thing to me.

Ladies … I got all the respect in the world for ya. You’re strong and powerful and beautiful and awesome … so for the love of God would you stop ordering thin crust pizza!!! That’s gotta be what keeps it on the menu, because I’ve never been with a group of dudes who are ordering pizza and had anyone say … “Make sure we get a thin crust pizza!”

This is why I gotta be in charge of ordering the pizza in my house. Last time my wife did it … thin crust. And ONLY thin crust … so I didn’t have any “real pizza plan B” to go to instead.

And here’s the thing ladies … you’re being duped. You’re getting tricked into thinking that thin crust pizza is somehow “healthier” or “not as bad for you” as regular pizza because the crust is thinner. Well it ain’t! I just looked it up … a serving of regular cheese pizza at Domino’s is 200 calories. A serving of thin crust? 310 calories!

Wait … you hear that? That’s everybody’s brain exploding because I just blew your mind.

And not only does it have more calories … it’s also thin and stupid … so we all end up eating twice as much pizza to try to get full. So NOW how do you feel about thin crust pizza? Cuz you know how I feel? Fatter!

I mean for as think deep dish pizza is just excessive and heavy and gross … at least it embraces what it is and tries to give you ALL the pizza. Thin crust pizza sits over here all full of lies and deception. Really … thin crust pizza is like a man. Fills you with all these empty promises and claims, tricks you into thinking he’s a good idea, and then leaves you in way worse shape then when you first met.

Don’t let that loser man in your life anymore! You’re better than that! REGULAR pizza is better than that. Just order it the way God intended and enjoy a slice. You deserve it. We all deserve it.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.