Month: October 2021

Dear Diary …

I’d like to suggest a new slogan for the Commonwealth. Now I’m sure a lot of people are attached to the whole “Virginia is for Lovers” thing … and that’s cool. There’s merch and stuff. But I was on a road trip this weekend … and when I crossed the state line on 81, I realized that we are missing the full description of our slogan.

You see Diary … Virginia is not just for lovers. Virginia … is for LEFT LANE loves. THAT should be our true slogan!

I have no explanation for it, and it defies all rational thought and reasoning, but EVERY single time I’m driving back into Virginia on 81 … and you can drive on that same road in New York … Pennsylvania … Maryland … whatever … the SECOND you cross into Virginia … every slow driving dingleberry is hanging out in the left lane.

Every other state … things are pretty normal. Every now and then you get a left lane hugger … but nothing out of the ordinary. But cross into Virginia and suddenly it’s like the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is taking place in the left lane of the highway and everybody wants to participate.

So I’m starting to think … maybe the left lane in Virginia is just really inviting … maybe ours is like smoother … or wider … or something. I mean there’s GOTTA be a reason why everybody loves it so much, doesn’t there?

I kid you not … within 5 minutes of entering Virginia there was a guy driving a HOUSE in the left hand lane. Not an RV … not a camper … an actual little tiny house. Our left hand lane is so awesome in Virginia, people wanna live in it!!!

So let’s just embrace it … make shirts … hats … maybe paint the thing red so it feels like a VIP carpet or something. That’s right baby … Virginia is for Left Lane Lovers!

OK … moving on Diary … I went to a concert over the weekend … and while I’m not a “stand there and film everything with my cell phone” concert going person … I’ve come to accept their existence. Personally, I’d rather just be in the moment and enjoy the actual concert, as opposed to taking some video that’s gonna have lousy sound quality and I’ll probably never watch it again in my life. But hey … I’m not gonna tell somebody else what they can and can’t do.

But what does give me anxiety about the whole thing? I see these people with their phones in the air … and I see what they’re filming … and I see that every single one of them is on like 16% on their battery power.

Oh for the love of God!!!! How are you not freaking out right now??? We’re like two songs into the night … how did this happen?? How are you already on 16%?

You have planned very poorly, and there you go … still filming! Next song … still filming!!!

I mean … don’t you need to call an Uber at the end of the night? What if you get separated from your friends?

Oh my God my chest hurts just looking at your battery!

And by the way … why is it that all percentage points aren’t created equal? I mean … when my phone is on 100%, I’m not stressed at all about it getting to 84%. But 16%? Ten seconds later and it might as well be on zero and powering itself down.

Oh … God … Is this what thrill seeking is? If it is, I don’t like it.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Dear Diary …

I tell you what … I can’t remember anything anymore. If it’s a to-do list, or a meeting, or a … ummm … uhhh … SEE!!!! See what I’m talking about? If it ain’t programmed into my phone … with at LEAST two notifications … I ain’t rememberin’ it.

And while it would be easy to say … “Welp … I reckon I’m gettin’ older and the ol’ brain don’t work like she used to” … I don’t believe that.

And here’s why … I can’t remember to bring my lunch with me to work … but I of course still know all the words to the “Humpty Dance” and that up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-B-A-start gets you 30 guys on the old Nintendo game “Contra.”

So clearly I can remember stuff … so it leads me to one explanation … my brain hates me. He CAN work perfectly fine .. he just don’t wanna. He’s a lazy, hateful little jerk that wants me to forget to call my Dad on his birthday, but can still remember all about the time I was running around in the backyard and tried to jump over a branch and …. Pfffft … ruined my underwear.

Thanks a lot you stupid brain!

And further proof that age has nothing to do with it … my children are young and they can’t remember to do anything. Or at the very least … they act like they can’t.

“Hey don’t forget to bring those dirty dishes down from your room.”

I KNOW!!!!

Actually … no you don’t know … because when I go back upstairs the next day, all those stupid dishes are still in the exact same spot.

“Oh I forgot”

OH BALONEY!

Or this one …

“Hey buddy … did you brush your teeth this morning?”

“Nooooo”

“Why not?”

“Nobody told me!”

Oh I’m sorry … I didn’t know I needed to tell you every single time. So how about this … brush your teeth every morning and every night until the day you die. There … that cover it? Does THAT count as me “telling you?”

And one more thing … I … uhhh … oh forget it.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Dear Diary …

I’m sure some people are having it rough today … and I feel for you. I really do. But I had to eat salad the other day with a boo boo on my lip! Can you believe it? The humanity! Every time that vinegary salad dressing hit my lips … It made my boo boo all hurty!

And I know what you’re thinking … “Zack … why were you eating a salad in the first place? Salads are dumb.”

Well guess what … you’re right!

Salads are the worst. None of us wanna be eating ‘em in the first place … we’re just doing it from time to time because we’re supposed to be eating healthy. And don’t you give me this “oh I like salad!” … oh whatever. You might not MIND a salad … But if any human alive was given the choice of salad or pizza and they were both considered “health food,” ain’t nobody picking salad. Ever.

So it tastes stupid … and then it’s quite possibly the least sexy food to eat. Slappin’ and slorpin’ all over the place. Lettuce hittin’ you in the cheek …. Tomatoes sploogin’ their juices all over the place. Drippy salad dressing just trying to ruin your clothes. The whole thing is awful!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again … when I die and I get to ask Jesus some questions … I got a lot of ‘em about why all the best foods aren’t good for us. I mean c’mon God … throw us a bone and at least make Cheetos a superfood or something!!!

Moving on Diary … since we’re already talking food … let’s just keep talking food …

And I understand that everybody has different tastes. That is perfectly fine. Not everybody has to like the same stuff. But I will say this … there are certain food rules that should never be broken.

For example … if you take a cheese stick and just bite right into the top of it … you need to go to the doctor because there’s something wrong with you. Who hurt you and made you do such a thing?

And while it may be goofy to sit there and peel off that cheese stick and eat the fuzzy little strings, it just tastes WRONG when you bite straight into it. Now don’t get me wrong, you’re not a mass murderer like somebody who bites into a Kit-Kat without breaking it apart, but I still don’t trust you.

Same goes for “all bite cutters” … I just don’t trust someone who sits down to eat and proceeds to cut every single thing on the plate into tiny bites before they do anything else. And hey … you can do it if you want … but if I was sitting there and you were my financial planner … and you cut your meat into a bunch of little pieces … I’m taking my money elsewhere. You can’t be trusted with my future … you still eat like Mom cuts your steak for you! NO!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Dear Diary …

Now I know you’re gonna think I sound old when I say “back in the day” … but to be fair … “back in the day” for what I’m about to say was from about 6 months ago. So unless you’re a brand new baby, you’re all just as old as I am because “back in the day” nobody asked their friends to send money to their CashApp when it was their birthday.

I mean … when you were a kid you had a party and you got presents. But then you turned 12 and that didn’t really happen anymore.

And then as an adult … MAYBE you went out to dinner with some friends and MAYBE they would all chip in and cover your food. OK great … happy birthday to me … thanks! But never in my adult life did I think, “Hey everybody, it’s my birthday … now give me money” … so I’m not sure why tossing your CashApp out there makes it any better or different.

Would you expect your friend to hand you $8 just because it’s your birthday? Then why would you think it’s OK to have them send you money online just because it has a nifty little dollar sign in front of your name?

And let’s speak the truth here … anybody who begs for CashApp donations on social media for their birthday is also gonna be the person who conveniently “forgets” to return the favor on YOUR birthday. “Oh sorry man … just a little short right now … I’ll get you next year!”

And why do people think that their birthday is something that anyone else should care about in the first place? It’s your birthday … that’s great … but people sit here and complain, “I can’t believe I have to work on my birthday.”

That’s because it’s “a day,” and if we all took a day off for everybody’s birthday, nobody would ever work. You want the day off for your birthday? Cure cancer … cuz then we’d happy to have a holiday for ya.

Moving on Diary … Why does science gotta be so stupid?

I mean … science can be good for … like … you know … medicine and stuff … but then there’s very simple things that are just dumb.

Like for example … one teeny tiny drop of coffee hits your shirt and immediately it’s a stain. One second later you could dump 4,000 gallons of water on it … nope … doesn’t matter. Stain is still there. Too bad … so sad … look like an idiot all day at work.

Why science gotta sabotage you?

Or how about this … think about the times in your life where you felt totally fine and then all of a sudden … you sneeze … or you just move a little bit in one direction … and boom … instant back pain.

And here’s why this is extra stupid … everything goes wrong in one second, and then it takes three weeks to try to work it back to normal … gotta spend hundreds of dollars at the chiropractor … do a bunch of noodle shaped yoga poses … and then pray for it to go back to normal.

And you know what never happens? You don’t ever sneeze again and … laaaaa! … it feels totally normal. If it can go bad in one second … why come it can’t go GOOD in one second??? Stupid science and all your book learnin’!!!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye