Month: November 2021

Dear Diary …

This is one of my favorite weeks … Thanksgiving. You know me … I love food. And this is the day dedicated to food!

Not only that, but it’s also the day that isn’t dedicated to any gifts. So none of the added chores and bills of Christmas … just the food. Not to mention a football tripleheader … so this is perfect.

So with that in mind, I want Thanksgiving to be the best it can possibly be, so I offer all of you one piece of wonderfully helpful advice. And I say this in the most loving and caring way possible … just … shut … UP.

And I get it … “shut up” is a strong term … lot of us don’t like using it and we tell our kids not to say it, but I feel like “please be quiet” doesn’t get my point across strongly enough that y’all need to shut up.

Why you talking on Thanksgiving? This is the time to celebrate a delicious bounty of food, drink, and football … not a time to lean into ANY of your political beliefs. That’s what Facebook’s for … go be angry over there.

And it’s not just talking about things like that … don’t talk about the food. Don’t be that person that’s all “well when I was growing up, we didn’t do it that way” or “maybe you should carve the turkey this way.” Shut up! Not your house … not the time. You don’t like it? Don’t come. Stay home and you can do it YOUR way every single time.

And I don’t need your bombshell announcements either! Look … you can sleep with whomever you want, or drop out of college, or get a divorce, or tell off Uncle Reggie for being a piece of crap … just don’t do it at the Thanksgiving table!

Who in their right mind thinks … “Look at this wonderful meal that took all day to prepare and celebrates thanks and love … Hey you know what? Let me ruin it by making a big unpleasant announcement nobody sees coming!”

Man … there’s a LOT of Tuesdays on the calendar that already stink because they’re Tuesday. Do it then while we’re standing around and eatin’ leftover pizza over the sink. That’s unpleasant bombshell time!

So look … I know you got all them feelings bottled up in side and you just wanna get ‘em out … so kindly remember these three little words … just … shut … UP! Ruin Flag Day … ain’t nobody worried about Flag Day poppin’ off smoothly. Go over there.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Dear Diary …

Can we just all come together and agree that “small talk” should be made illegal? Nobody wants to have, it’s all relatively painful, and the whole experience is just a colossal waste of time. Even the name … SMALL talk … nobody wants to be small. Puny, tiny little talk. Let’s just get rid of it.

And yes, maybe it would fine as a way to break the ice with somebody, but y’all don’t even know how to small talk correctly.

Diary … over the weekend, I decided to put up my outdoor Xmas lights. So I’m out there will all my supplies … lights … decorations … extension cords … all of it. And do you know what was THE most popular question asked to me by just about anyone that walked by?

“So … you puttin’ up Christmas lights?”

Noooo … I’m just a fan of light up reindeer and candy canes. OF COURSE I’M PUTTING UP CHRISTMAS LIGHTS YOU DING DONG!

So not only are you wasting my time … time with something I don’t really even wanna be doing and am trying to get over with as soon as possible … you’re filling it with dumb statements that are barely even a question!

Why do people think that stating the obvious is a conversation starter anyway?

Think of all the times you go to the grocery store to get supplies for a cookout … burgers, buns, ketchup, charcoal … I guarantee the next thing somebody will ask you is … “You havin’ a cookout?”

It’s July 3rd and I’m buying two dozen cheeseburgers … WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Oh and just to go back to the Christmas lights for a second … why is everything 10 times more complicated than it needs to be? I bought this goofy string of candy canes that you can use to line your walkway … so they’re all attached by one cord. I think, “OK great … this should be easy.”

Buy nooooo … every single candy cane also needs to be tied to each other by some tiny piece of wire, that you then have to try to stuff inside every single candy cane once you get them apart so they don’t look stupid. Took me 45 minutes just to do that … for something that didn’t even need to exist in the first place.

And a Merry Christmas to you too!

But hey … they’re up now … and I totally understand now why lots of people leave em up until March. Cuz I don’t wanna go back out there any time soon either.

Till next time Diary … I say …. Goodbye

Dear Diary …

Last week I made a declaration in the house … we … are going to have … more healthy snack options!

If I’m being honest, I may have just had a little bit of a hissy fit with the kids over their snacks, but I was sick of it. Dang kids will go thru a box Cheezits in a day … bag of Takis in like an hour. Shoot we bought a bag of these peanut butter chocolate things … gone in less than 24 hours.

I looked at the package … ten servings. TEN! And while I disagree with those dumb serving size suggestions, that’s still way too many. Plus … I didn’t get none! No fair!

So I made the decision … that … is IT. When I go to the store this week I shall be purchasing … healthy snacks. You don’t like it? Too bad … you don’t buy or pay for the groceries … so eat a piece of celery and be quiet.

So Diary … I am here to report as we go thru our first week of healthy snack options … it stinks. I hate it!!! Man these snacks suck. Handful of nuts … piece of celery … carrots … BOOOO!!! What am I? Some kind of animal in a petting zoo?

And I don’t care what anybody says … these snacks don’t fill you up. They just leave you sad and unfulfilled … like eating soup for dinner and trying to claim it’s a meal. [[Hey Monica!]]

And it is just dang disrespectful by God to create us … then create all these wonderful foods .. and then tell us not to eat ‘em and we’re gonna die and to go eat quinoa instead. Quinoa is even spelled all stupid … how dare you do this to us!

Also … Diary … when it comes to delicious and unhealthy things … there is no bigger downer on earth then when that unhealthy treat isn’t as good as it should be. I had a burger recently … cold. Cheese wasn’t even melted.

So now … here I am eating this underwhelming burger (and yes I ate it because it’s still better than kale) … but now I’m getting all the bad food calories … but none of the bad food enjoyment. Again … BOOO!!!

And and one more thing God … yeah I’m talkin’ to you … cuz I know you’re listening right now …

Why are burgers like two bites less than they should be? Every time I eat a wonderful and delicious burger, it’s always done and … mmm … I want like two more bites. And not a second burger or a second patty or whatever … that’s too much. Just two more bites. Is that too much to ask??

And don’t tell me just to get another burger and only eat two bites of it, cuz you and I know that ain’t never gonna happen. I’ll eat myself grossly full before I let that meat go to waste!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye