Doctor Impossible

Doctor Impossible

Dear Diary …

You wanna live, right?

Exactly! We all wanna be healthy and not die … so why they gotta make it so dang hard to do?

And you’ll get shamed into it all the time … “oh you’re really supposed to go to the doctor and make sure you have regular checkups.”

OK sure … no problem … so let’s go ahead and book a physical

“Oooh … sorry … the doctor only does one physical appointment a day and he’s booked until the summer.”


And God forbid you actually try to get some sort of procedure done. “Ooooh sorry … Insurance doesn’t cover that.”

But I need it to live?

Yeah but not THAT bad … so like … you know …. Deductible and stuff. Thanks for paying two thousand dollars a month by the way!

And here’s what I can’t understand … if you have kids … It’s crazy easy to get them in to the doctor. My kids’ doctor is open on Saturday … Sunday … … you don’t need an appointment … you can call them after hours and talk to the doctor on call.

Meanwhile, any grown up doctor works three days a week and has two hours in the middle of the day where they close for lunch.

OK no offense to children … but this is backwards … they’re young and the bones all heal on their own and stuff when they’re broken … they need less access to the doctor. We’re old! We’re falling apart! We need those appointments!

They’ll figure it out. And if they’re lucky enough to make it to 40, THEN they can go to the doctor more often.

Moving on Diary … this is petty and nitpicky … ok look … this is the Anger Diary it’s all petty and nitpicky … but this is just dumb.

So I have a Pinterest page. Yes … that’s right … I’m like to only adult male on earth with an active Pinterest page. Whatever. I use it to save recipes. I don’t care if you follow it or not … it’s for me to figure out what to make for dinner.

But here’s what I don’t understand … every time I go to the app it shows me all my pins in a setting called “compact” where all the posts are scrunched down and you can’t see anything. So I have to change the setting … to “default.”

That’s right … I have to go in and manually change it to “default” which BY THE DEFINITION OF THE WORD implies that it is the setting that everything should DEFAULT too!!!! But default isn’t default … compact is default … AND YET IT’S NOT!!!!

And I am aware … it takes me one second to change it, but that’s one second of my life I am never getting back, and one second closer to death that I’m not stopping because I CAN’T GET IN TO THE DOCTOR!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Livin’ On the Line

Livin’ On the Line

Dear Diary …

I can see it now … some day … they will make a movie about my life.

And it’ll start by showing a home … in a field.

And as the wind gently rustles the branches of the trees … the narrator will come on and say …

“All my life … we lived on the line. And even if we moved … Momma would pack up all our things … and we would set up shop in a new town. And still … we’d be on the line.”

And yes … first and foremost … Matthew McConaughey narrates the story of my life.

Second … it’s true … no matter where I live … I live on “the line.” And the line I’m talking about is the one that happens any time there’s a snow storm, and there’s some kind of line between getting nothing but a bunch of awesome snow, and instead getting some hodgepodge of horrible of snow, sleet, and freezing rain. No matter where I live … that’s where I live … the line.

Grew up in New England … I mean you’d think … “OK well it’s all cold and Northern up there … nobody lives on the line.” Nope! We were juuuuust close enough to the ocean that we always got hosed by some stupid pocket of warm air. Every other town would have the day off to make snowmen and go sledding, meanwhile we were at school in Social Studies.

Social Studies. Can I just point out that’s the one class that … looking back … I have no idea what it even was? I mean no offense to social studies, but I remember the stuff they taught us in things like math or science, but I couldn’t tell you a single topic that was covered on a social studies quiz from back in the day.

Anyway … point is … I lived on the line. Then I moved to Philadelphia. And while it was again near the ocean, we somehow managed to live in this one weird pocket of a town that was REALLY affected by the ocean way more than any of the other towns. And let’s not forget, that if a storm actually managed to impact the coast line more? Yeah we didn’t qualify for that one either because we weren’t quite ocean-y enough.

So then I move to southwest Virginia. And you know what we don’t have? The ocean!

So finally … I figure … for the first time in my life … I don’t live on the line anymore. And yet … what happens every time there’s a storm? Some sort of mythical mountainous line of the wizardry of the “I-81 Corridor” … and now I’m over here getting pelted with little icy nuggets of sleet while the other side of the line looks like Vail, Colorado or something.

Look … I get it … ultimately it ain’t that big a deal, and sometimes it’s probably beneficial to live on the line … but how is it that no matter where I go … no matter what I do … The Line follows me?

[Narrator voice] “Come to find out we were drawn to the line, and we just had to accept our fate. The fate that we were, in fact, Line People.

Till next time Diary … I say … Alright, Alright, Alright

Nobody Asked You

Nobody Asked You

Dear Diary …

Let me just start by stating something for the record … actually … that’s what I want to talk about … “the record.” Why do people say this?

“Let me just state for the record…”

The record? Where are we? Court?

You got one of them ladies sitting in the corner with the glasses on those chains who uses that goofy little half typewriter thingie? Is she the one keeping the record?

Do we think there’s some sort of Hall of Records that logs every boring conversation everybody has and makes sure that “the record” clearly states your opinion on things?

That’s definitely a job I don’t want to be in charge of … “Well it appears that on March 3rd, 2017 Steve had an argument with his wife and he stated ‘for the record’ that she did not look fat in those pants.” Good thing we documented that!

You know what else we don’t have? Official and unofficial statements.

I had a roommate in college who would do this. One day … in the middle of February … when winter was still being all dumb and cold he says, “That’s it! I am officially sick of winter!”

Well that is just fantastic to hear, Matt! I’ll be sure to give Mother Nature a heads up that you were unofficially sick of it yesterday, but now that it’s official, I have no doubt that the spring blooms will begin tomorrow!

Honestly I’m not sure why most people talk, because everything they say is ridiculous.

Think of all the times in your life when somebody says, “well if you ask me…”

And what do all of those instances have in common?


They’re the ones who start the conversation! “Well if you ask me…”

Actually I had no plans of doing that … SO YOU OPINION NEED NOT BE SPOKEN RIGHT NOW! And if I do want your opinion … I WILL ASK YOU!!!

And I’m not immune to all this stuff … like when I start talking to somebody and I say “Yeah so…”

What am I saying yes to? We weren’t talking before I opened my mouth, and yet I act like I’m following up on something that was just said. Only problem is … the only conversation that was going on was the one inside my head … and yet here I am like a dummy, responding to my own inner thoughts.

This is why I prefer texting … we stink at talking anyway.

Till next time Diary … I say … (officially) … Goodbye.