Not Speedy Delivery

Not Speedy Delivery

Dear Diary …

You know how they say “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned?” Now I will agree … that’s a situation I don’t wanna be in where scorned lady is mad at me, but I’ll take it over another experience. Because the true phrase of misery should be, “hell hath no fury like a child who is expecting a package in the mail and it hasn’t arrived yet.”

You wanna talk about agony!! And not for them and their impatient little brains, for YOU while you have to deal with the constant … “It’s not here yet … when is going to get here?”


“Yeah but it says it will be delivered today.”

OK well it’s 2pm … so today is not over yet.

“Well what time will it be here?”

I am not the wizard of package tracking!!!! I don’t know. Don’t ask!

Man … don’t you miss the good ol’ days of when you were actually excited for mail? When I was a kid … oh there was no greater joy than an envelope with your name on it. You saw that mailman comin’ and you were excited.

Now? I want him off my property because anything with your name on it is either a bill or a coupon for new gutters. Hooray!

There’s so many differences between being a kid and being an adult. Like … if I’m eating a meal, and I say “oooof … man … I am STUFFED.” You know what that means? It means I am stuffed and I don’t need any more food.

But last night when my son pushes his plate away and says, “Man I’m stuffed,” the next step is to the freezer to get himself a BIIIIIG bowl of ice cream.

I thought you said you were stuffed?

“Yeah but this is dessert.”

I don’t care if it’s dessert … and I really don’t even mind if you eat it, but don’t lie to me like I’m some kind of dodo that actually believes you when you say you’re full. I’m quite certain, so kid under the age of 12 has ever correctly used the phrase “I’m full” in the history of time. Because what they actually mean is “I don’t want to eat any more of this healthier food you’re trying to give me … I want brownies now.

So just say that … at least that way I don’t feel like you’re trying to dupe me as the oblivious parent who falls for your line of deception. Just say that you want dessert!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

We’re Lying to Ourselves

We’re Lying to Ourselves

Dear Diary …

I don’t know why we do it, but we lie to ourselves ALL the time. And I’m not going to sit here and act like I don’t do it, because that in itself would be a lie. I’m just as guilty of going to the gym, and if I’m there all by myself … “well maybe I only do nine of this exercise instead of ten.”

But then … I’ll still write down 10. Why? I know I didn’t do 10, and the only person I’m lying to is myself. Ain’t nobody else readin’ this list.

And you do it too … like when you went to the grocery store last week right before it was gonna snow and you said, “Well I’m only here because I actually NEED groceries … it’s not because of the snow.” LIAR! Any of us could totally live off the food sitting in our house right now for at least a week. You might be eating ketchup packets by Saturday, but you’d still be alive.

But instead … I saw all you hoarders stocking up on milk and bread when I was at the store, because … you know … like I actually NEEDED groceries … oh hell.

See? Nobody ever says … “Yeah I don’t really even need anything, but I was driving by and figured I’d take all the milk and bread with me.”

Just like nobody ever says “Yup … that’s me … the guy who hangs out in the left lane driving too slow and refuses to pull over,” or “Oh yeah … I’m totally the one who throws out all the tupperware lids so you can never find the ones that match.”

Liars! All of us!

OK … moving on Diary … mind your business. Why are we so obsessed with what somebody else does, or says, or wears, or whatever else? If it doesn’t change your day, then why do you even care? Somebody you don’t know does something that doesn’t effect you at all … and yet somehow that bothers you because it doesn’t agree with some list of do’s and don’t’s you have in your head?

Mind your business!

Also … if I post “Happy Birthday” to somebody on Facebook … don’t be moochin’ off my post and commenting with “Oh yeah Happy Birthday from me too!”

Get your own post! I don’t need you layin’ all over mine! I mean really what you’re saying is … Your post showed up in my feed and I realized it was your birthday, but I’m just too lazy to actually click on their profile and say anything, so I’ll just put “HBD” here instead.

Mind yo’ bidness!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye