I Am Stupid

I Am Stupid

Dear Diary …

So here’s what I’m trying to figure out … Who’s stupid? Are we all getting stupider as a society? Or is it just me getting stupider?

Because man … I feel stupid these days. And I don’t know if its just that I’m gettin’ stupid because I’m getting older, or I’ve killed off all my brain cells, or like … COVID or something … but my head just don’t work right no more. God forbid you ask me to read something that’s longer than the label of a shampoo bottle because I can’t … focus. Maybe this is it for me? Maybe I’m on the downward spiral here?

You know what? NO! No I am not. I am fully capable of being a smarty pants, learning things, and remembering stuff. It’s simply that my (and everybody else’s) brain is a lazy, flabby lump that just doesn’t wanna work. Or even worse … it wants to just mess with you.

Think about when you need to remember something. I don’t know about you, but these days if I don’t put a reminder in my phone or on my calendar … it ain’t happening. Couple weeks ago there was some eclipse going on. And I’m a big ol’ dork and I like looking at things like that, so I wanted to check it out.

But at the same time … I’m a big ol’ STUBBORN dork and I decided, “No! I am NOT putting a reminder in my phone to go outside and watch this eclipse. I will NOT give into my brain and so help me GOD I’m gonna remember this!” Nope. Forgot. Not even the teeny tiniest inkling that night of “hey man … got anything you need to remember?”

And I knew my brain wasn’t gonna put in the work, but part of me didn’t care and just wanted to see if it would actually let me down yet again. And yes … yes it would.

But here’s the frustrating and annoying thing … I know darn well my brain CAN remember things. Because you know what I ALWAYS remember? Everything I put on my calendar.

I don’t even need the reminder or notification because my brain is all, “Duh! We knew that already … We don’t need any kind of reminder you idiot!”

But if there is no reminder?

[[[DUMMY SOUNDING MUSIC]]] “Boomp a doomp a doomp … I forgot! You know you should really set a reminder for me so I don’t forget.”

Why do we love screwing with ourselves so much? Screwing with other people? Totally get it! But why are we built to sabotage our own existence?

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Line Is the Line

The Line Is the Line

Dear Diary …

Do you know what a line looks like? Now I don’t have a whole lot of faith in people, but I am pretty confident that if I asked you to draw a straight line on a piece of paper, you could do it. Look at you! Who’s the big winner?

OK … so now you have a straight line. So … if I ask you as humans to line up in a straight line, I’d like to think you’d be able to do that as well …. Except … you can’t!

Hey … dodos! If you go somewhere … like …. say … the farmers market and there’s a bunch of people standing in a line waiting for it to open. You don’t just stand there at the entrance to try to sneak your way in!

“Oh! I didn’t realize there was a line!”

What exactly do you think the rest of us are doing over here … organized sunbathing? Waiting for an invisible bus to arrive?

Self checkout at the grocery store is another great example where these shady ignoramuses try to skeet themselves in.

“Oh … were you in line?”

Noooo!! Just loitering. Love loitering.

I get it … you don’t wanna wait in this line. I don’t wanna wait in this line either, but I do. Because that’s what normal humans who contribute to society do.

Moving on Diary … I hate the playground.

And it’s not that I hate the playground ALL the time … sometimes its a great way to toss a couple kids out there and keep ‘em occupied for a while. The problem is when it’s the LURE of the playground as an add-on. So like when I have to drag my butt to a boring ol’ PTA meeting at the school … sit there … listen to talkin’ … vote on stuff … and then all you wanna do afterward is get home because you’ve working all day, and still need to make dinner, and still have laundry, and gotta make lunches for the next day, and the toilets are dirty, and … “Can we stay and play on the playground for a while?”

No … I’m sorry … Mommy and Daddy have a lot of …

“PLEEEEEEASSE??? Everybody else is staying!!”

Yup … don’t mind us. We’ll just sit here … while you have joy. And then we’ll FINALLY get home and immediately be asked, “When’s dinner? I’m hungry!”

Ahhh yes … our little blessings.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Water Is Stupid

Water Is Stupid

Dear Diary …

I don’t care what science says … water is stupid.

“Oh but it’s the building block of life and you need it to live”

Yeah yeah yeah … I know, but it’s still stupid.

Hate water!

Because here it is, being the building block of life and everything, and then it’s always trying to destroy us and ruin our day at the same time.

If you’re someone who owns a house, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Pretty much all the problems you encounter have something to do with water.

Toilet don’t work. Water.

Ice maker is broken. Water.

Water heater leaking. It’s in the name … Water!

Leaking. That’s the worst. My air conditioning unit is in the attic of my house, and over the weekend I look up … Hey! There’s a bunch of water dripping out of the ceiling! Hooray!

And what drives me crazy is all it took was one random morning and now there’s this big gigantic brown stain of sadness all over the ceiling that makes it look like my house has been rotting since the day “The Wizard of Oz” was released in theaters. So now I gotta paint … which might be the only thing dumber than water.

Hate that brown ring of shame. And I love how we’re all SOOO judgemental about that stain. You go looking at houses for sale and you see anything like that and you’re all, “Oooh … looks like this house has some water damage.”


I guarantee you the person saying that is currently living in a house with water damage that they’re gonna try to hide from the next person who buys it.

And don’t even get me started about the torrential thunderstorms that start kicking up this time of year and what they mean for the basements of the world.

If you ever hear somebody say, “Oh I just love when we have big thunderstorms. It’s so soothing!”

That’s a person who lives in an apartment, cuz there ain’t nothing soothing about hoping that you’re sump pump doesn’t pick today to die in the corner. Or God forbid the power go out in this storm, cuz now you’re gonna play “water bucket fill-a-thon” until it comes back.

And let me just make an editorial comment about the stupid mail I get from the water company … and the electrical company too … about how I should give them extra money every month because I “own” the equipment that’s on my property and it’s no doubt outdated and falling apart and planning to crap out at any minute.

It’s funny how their definition of “ownership” and mine are totally different. Like … for example … I own my couch. So if I move, I take couch with me.

But I can’t take my electrical box with me, now can I?

But I thought I owned it?

Oh that’s right … I only own the privilege of PAYING for it when it’s broken. Fantastic!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

The Reality of Virtual Reality

The Reality of Virtual Reality

Dear Diary …

While nobody can predict the future, I do think sometimes you can look at trends and patterns to get a good idea of what is going to happen. Oh who am I kidding? Just look at what rich people are doing and where they’re putting their money … THAT’S how you’re gonna be able to predict the future.

So when I put my “rich people glasses” on I can see that billions and billions of dollars are being invested into a completely different world that will exist in virtual reality. Do I love it? Not really. There’s a pretty good chance it’s going to turn us all into a bunch of helmet-wearing cyborgs that never actually interact in real life, but it also has plenty of amazing potential to change our lives for the better.

And I can say this without a shadow of a doubt … one of those amazing and innovative ways is definitely NOT Gorilla Tag. If you are unfamiliar with Gorilla Tag, it is a game for the Oculus VR headset that is the single biggest scourge on humanity. It’s basically a little world where all the players are gorillas and they’re playing tag … so yeah … Gorilla Tag. And while that name makes total sense in its simplicity, it really is the wrong name for this game, because really what it should be called is “Drive Parents Crazy and Eventually Cost Them Money.”

Why? Because every kid playing is like my kid … crazily swinging his arms all over the place since he’s running around this virtual world like he’s a gorilla. And while I appreciate the fact that he’s actually getting some form of exercise, I don’t appreciate the fact that he has now launched his handheld controls against the wall of my living room on multiple occasions, causing pieces and batteries to fly all over the place.

And you know what happens next with kids … Hey you need to be more careful …


No. You don’t know. Because one of these times your controller is going to smash into bits and be broken.


And you can threaten till you’re blue in the face that if it’s broken it’s not getting repaired or replaced, but you know that never sinks in. Ain’t no kid on the planet that plans one second into their future. All they care about is whatever they can do right in that current instant. (I mean … we do say “live in the moment” all the time, so I guess they have that one figured out.)

Oh and “Drive Parents Crazy and Eventually Cost Them Money” is only one of the potential new names for Gorilla Tag. I’d also like to suggest “Go to the Hospital” because I’ve watched my kid bang his wrists against the living room furniture over and over again to the point that he’s had to lay down on the ground and take a few deep breaths to recover. So I can only imagine that a trip to urgent care is an inevitable part of my future.

That’s the kicker with this stupid virtual reality … they want you to have this gigantic perimeter of free space to be able to play with. I mean sure … Kanye West’s house has big goofy rooms with no furniture in it, but what normal human house has that kind of space? Especially close to a television that people actually use.

So yes my friends … this is our future … being injured while pretending to be fun-loving gorillas and have our Sith Lords Bezos, Musk, and Zuckerberg controlling our every move. So for those of you out there who live out in the boonies, can I just ask … Got any land off the grid I can buy?

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.