Your WiFi Stinks!

Your WiFi Stinks!

Dear Diary …

I’mma tell you right now, we are at a point in society where certain things are just flat out unacceptable. Writin’ checks … there’s just no need for ‘em anymore. You got 247,000 other payment options that are way better than a random piece of blue paper with a bunch of lines on it.

Ice cube makers that suck at making ice. I mean what the heck is going on here? You’ve developed a product who’s sole purpose in life is to make ice, and it you don’t even do that properly? You have like one job … no … you have ONE job … MAKE ICE.

And why in the world are we still accepting that it will take 24-48 hours to fill that tray up all the way? Takin’ like 3 hours of the water freezing to [[clunk]] have 4 ice cubes get tossed into the tray. 20 minutes. Full tray. End of story.

But the one that gets me the most is that we are to a point in technology where it is absolutely, positively, unacceptable to have sucky wifi. If you’re gonna offer wifi, and especially if you DARE charge for it, it better be halfway decent wifi.

Ever pay for wifi on an airplane? Don’t. It stinks! And the free wifi is even worse … my Dad recently rode the train and their free “wifi” is like … 3. You know … like … mbps’s or whatever. Whatchoo gonna do with three? That ain’t even fast enough to properly tell you that you’re “unable to connect to the internet,” let alone do anything.

“Hey stay at our hotel … we have free wifi!”

Again … three.

That ain’t wifi! Heck … that ain’t even dial up AOL.

I can to the store and buy me a cheap ol’ router and have perfect good wifi. There’s no reason why you can’t do the same. And if you can’t … then don’t offer it!

Here’s another thing that’s flat out unacceptable … lawns.

Who’s stupid idea was it to have lawns?

If I could have access to a time machine, I wanna go back and find the guy that decided we had to all have perfectly manicured and hard to maintain grass as our lawns and just eliminate him before he could come up with the idea.

Because here’s the deal … you spend all your time trying to keep that stuff alive … seed it, water it, mow it … and the biggest annoyance … keep out the weeds. Because man … no matter what you do … those weeds will come back.

Which leads me to my point … why didn’t we make the weeds the lawn in the first place?

You never have to take care of them at all and they grow perfectly fine. You don’t even have to water them, and they still figure out a way to grow over and over and over again.

So why isn’t that what we choose for the lawn in the first place? See… we do it my way and I just gave everybody their weekend back of mowin’ … you’re welcome!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

There’s Gotta Be a Better Way

There’s Gotta Be a Better Way

Dear Diary …

There’s gotta be a better way.

We have ALL sorts of innovations and technological advances in this world. We’re always figuring out ways to make things easier, faster, and more efficient. But the problem is … we only do that for some things. Other things? Nah … we’ll just leave ‘em that way they are even though they’re horrible.

This is probably TMI. OK … this is definitely TMI … but oh well … sucks for you … I get to have a colonoscopy soon. Yup … TMI … but you’re here now so you might as well see this one thru.

Ugh … and see … that’s the first problem with a colonoscopy … EVERYTHING gets turned into a pun or a joke or whatever. I say, “we might as well see this one thru,” and you say … “Hang on, not so sure I wanna do THAT!”

Alright alright alright … ha ha ha … I get it.

So that’s problem number one … problem number two )yup … see .. there you go again) is that the worst part about a colonoscopy isn’t actually the colonoscopy. I mean, it’s not on my summer bucket list or anything, but it is what it is.

The problem is the preparation for the thing. Because despite all the technological advances in modern medicine in the past 50 years, the only way to apparently have a proper colonoscopy is to be stricken with diarrhea for 24 hours to prepare for it.

Really? This is the only way to do this?

I gotta drink some gigantic jug of terrible tasting poop juice … and then I gotta basically either live on the toilet for a day or play underwear roulette and pray I can make it there in time.

OK … I ain’t no doctor … but I did drive by a hospital the other day … and you mean to tell me there’s no possible better way to do this?

Can’t there be like a laser beam or photon torpedo or microscopic poop robot that can go in and take care of all of this. Hell … I’d even settle for some kind of jacked up vacuum cleaner extension that gets the job done quickly … like you’re putting gas into a NASCAR car … just goin’ in the other direction.

But you know why there isn’t a better way? Because they don’t care if there’s a better way. As long as you show up for your appointment and you’re ready for the procedure, they don’t really care how unpleasant things were for you yesterday. You’re there now and ready for takeoff … that’s all they care about.

Oh and the best part … you’re the one that gets to go buy all the stuff to prepare for this. Lucky you!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.