Month: December 2022

Pentatonix is the Devil

Dear Diary …

I know this is gonna rub some people the wrong way because they’re all popular and for some warped reason people actually like them, but Pentatonix is the devil. And if you don’t know who Pentatonix are … oh my God you’re so lucky … can I live in your cave with you please?

But if you don’t actually know … they’re that accapella beatboxin’ bee-boppin’ whozomijanglin’ group of doofuses that won some kind of show … I don’t know … the Voice … or Sign Off … or America’s Got a Headache … one of those things … and they’re basically best known for destroying Christmas songs.

OK look … I’m not a hater … (OK … I’m totally a hater) … but I just wanna be clear … they’re super talented. Way more talented than me. But their talents are being used for evil, because they just HURT when I hear ‘em.

Diary … I love Christmas music … but when I got my Christmas music on I want …

[[[CHILL XMAS MUSIC STARTS[]]]

Ohhh yeah … there it is. Let’s hang out by the fire … have some egg nog … Merry Christmas baby.

But then all of a sudden you get … [[FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA]]

Ugh! Why are there so many people? Singing all at the same time!

[[FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA / MORE FA LA LA-ING]]

Ugh! So many fa-la-la’s … stop!

You see what I’m talking about? It’s like a headache. Why do they have to be … so … just … [[FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA]] … THAT?

Again … they’re talented … but I don’t want my Christmas music sounding like the loudest episode of “Glee.”

[[CAROL OF THE BELLS STARTS]]

And this one … there’s so many people making noise … all at the same … and who’s this low talkin’ guy?

Alright that it! Christmas is cancelled!

I’m sorry ya’ll … they stink. I’ve been to middle school Christmas concerts that were less hurty than Pentatonix. Even the name … it’s so SHARP … PPPP … PEN … TA … TON … Golf tee in your temple.

OK I can’t take it anymore. I’m outta here. Till next time Diary … I say … [[FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA]]

Ugh.

Bye.

Are We Shakin’ or Not?

Dear Diary …

OK … we’re going to have to come to an official decision here. Back in the day we used to shake hands. And when I say “back in the day,” I of course mean “before COVID.”

When COVID happened, the handshake was pretty much the first thing to go bye bye (unless you were some weirdo doing to whole “I’m French so let me kiss you on each cheek” thing … that was RIP #1). And it’s fine that the handshake went away too … I totally get it. We were wicked scared of COVID, so we didn’t do it any more.

But now here we are a couple years later, and yes I know we can still sit here and say “COVID is serious, we need to take it as seriously as ever,” and that’s fine too, but we’re also definitely not wicked scared of it anymore.

So I gotta ask … are we shaking hands or not?

I really don’t care either way, but what I’m sick of is the awkward “handshake/fist bump/which one you going in for and am I gonna be able to guess right and not have it be weird?” … that thingamabobber we got going on right now. I hate it! It’s like playing the Rock, Paper, Scissors Grown Up Greeting Version.

One … two … three … shoot!

Ahh … you threw “fist bump” my bad!

And I’m totally fine with just banning the handshake forever. Too many times it’s all jacked up anyway because you get a bad grab, or you mess up trying to figure out how hard you shake the hand of somebody of the opposite sex, or … you know … COVID. So can we just agree on it, make an official decision, and move on?

Also … can we just agree … that while it WAS a good idea at the time, we don’t really need all of these curbside pickup parking spaces anymore?

At the grocery store? Sure.

But we don’t need three designated curbside pickup spots at the liquor store anymore. I ain’t seen a single human use those things in months, outside of me of course because I’m just parking in them now. Whatchoo gonna do about it? Tow me?

The other ones that are ridiculous are the ones taking away parking spaces on city streets. Nobody needs those anymore!

And as somebody who knows the restaurant industry, I can promise you right now that 99% of restaurants don’t even wanna deal with curbside pickup anymore. They’re already short handed INSIDE, they don’t need to try to run food outside to some random person. And be honest … anybody using that service right now ain’t doing it because they tested positive for COVID, they’re doing it because they tested positive for “lazy.”

It was a perfectly good idea in the moment, but it’s time to move on.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

7 Layers of Sadness

7 Layers of Sadness

Dear Diary …

It is always so hard in our lives to resist temptation … mainly because temptation is AWESOME!  It’s all the best stuff!  Eatin’ … drinkin’ … other stuffin’ … but sadly it’s all mostly bad for you, so you gotta try to resist the temptation. 

Now … not ALL temptation is fun and awesome.  Some of it is a total trap.  You think it’s going to be fun and awesome, but then it ends up being totally overrated and a web of lies.  So today … I’m going to rat out some of those things, so you don’t get duped into doing them.

Because look … there’s a lot of temptation … especially during the holiday season, and you want to make sure you’re spending your time on the GOOD temptations and not the total letdowns.

So … this holiday season … resist the temptation to throw an ugly Christmas sweater party.  I know, I know … you’re thinking, “But it’ll be so zany and fun!”  OK … well … it ain’t.

First … you make all your friends have to go buy an ugly Christmas sweater, and since the internet has caught on to this dorky little trend, those things are EXPENSIVE.  Now you’re dropping 60-70 bucks just to buy something that you KNOW looks terrible.  That’s just wasteful.

Then … you show up at this party and EVERYBODY looks terrible.  Part of the fun of parties is going there and having everybody look cute and awesome so you can all drink too much eggnog and end up doing other temptation-y things under the mistletoe. 

But nobody wants to do do that when you all look unflattering and terrible.  Not to mention HOT.  And not … “Oh that girl of there is hot” … I mean, “Holy crap this heavy ass wool sweater is HOT and I’m about to pass out.”  Face all flushed … sweaty and gross … yeah … this is the worst party ever.  Resist the temptation!

Oh … and when you’re at these holiday parties … please resist the temptation to bring the single most overrated appetizer in the history of food … 7-Layer Dip. 

“But Zack … it sounds so yummy!”

OK … well … it’s not.  Seven soggy layers of things dumped out of a can and onto a plate.  Barf.  I blame Instagram and Pinterest for this one … because you see these 7-Layer Dips that look all pretty, and you think, “Ooooh … I’m gonna make that!”

Problem is, that’s before anybody has touched them.  And as soon as one human takes one chip and scoops that dip one time … it starts to become an oozing sludge of bean juice, sour cream, and salsa water.  When’s the last time you wanted to eat a food that could be described as “wet and runny?”  So why start now?  Resist the temptation!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.