Month: January 2023

The Stupid Electric Bill

Dear Diary …

When you’re young … you got all these plans about how things are gonna be “different.” A lot of it has to do with your plans for parenting. You say dumb things like …

“Oh yeah … when I’m a parent … I’m in CHARGE! I’m not gonna be one of those parents that prepares like three different dinners a night. The children will do as I SAY!”

Yeah … sure … I remember sayin’ that one too. But then it’s dinner time and you just want these monsters to eat SOMETHING … chicken nuggets … mac and cheese … cat food. Whatever. So you do what you gotta do and that’s fine.

One I always remember was … “I’m not gonna be one of those crazy parents that complains about the electricity bill. That’s just ridiculous!”

OK … but … uhhhh … HAVE YOU SEEN THE FREAKING LIGHT BILL RIGHT NOW???

What in the world is going on with the gas and electric bills? It’s like all of a sudden they got together and decided to raise the cost buy a million percent or something … not tell anybody … and then it’s … “Hey your gas bill is $600 this month. Surprise!”

I’m sorry, but that’s just wrong.

And I’m sure they got some bullpucky story about inflation or supply chain or having to upgrade the flongometers or whatever … but you should not be able to bend people over a barrel for services that they HAVE to pay for.

Like a Lamborghini … I get it. You can charge a ridiculous amount for it because I can … you know … just not buy it … but what am I gonna do instead of lights? Get candles like I’m Ben Franklin?

And here’s the part that always makes me mad …

Bunch of years ago … I forget the exact time … we had this REALLY mild winter. So people used their heat way less than normal. So you remember what the gas company did? They charged everybody like an extra $20 the next month saying, “well we didn’t take in as much money as normal so we need this for like … uhh … maintenance stuff and things.”

But then on the flip side … if it’s wicked cold one month … I don’t see a “hey we made a lotta money last month” rebate. Do you?

So you know what I’m gonna do about it?

[PAUSE]

Nothin.

Cuz there ain’t nothin’ to do. We can whine about it all we want, but … you want heat? Well there you go.

But hey on the bright side … think of all the money we’re saving right now because eggs are so cheap and affordable.

OK … is it too early to start drinking?

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

You’re Awful. Deal With It

Dear Diary …

Oh man … here we go again. That time of year where we all lie to ourselves.

“It’s January and I’m going to start fresh and make all kinds of changes!”

Yeah yeah yeah … feel like I heard this one before.

Ugh it’s so annoying … gotta look at a work refrigerator with a bunch of yogurts in it. See a bunch of randos at the gym. Listen to dumb phrases like “New year … new you!” over and over again.

Look … people … can we just face the facts here? You’re awful. And that’s OK!

I’m not saying I’m any better … I’m awful too, but what DOES make me better is that I am at least honest with myself … recognize that I’m awful … and lean into it.

Let me tell you a story about burritos …

For the longest time, I used to heat up a breakfast burrito for … well … breakfast. Tasty, easy, satisfying. But then one day my stupid brain said, “Boy we should really start the day with something healthy, wealthy, and wise.” And me, since I’m a idiot, listened to my brain and said “No more burritos! We will now have things like yogurt … or oatmeal!”

And I am here to report that after doing that for the last bunch of months … I hate it!

Yogurt is so dumb. Like who in their right mind would say … Hey you know what I want for breakfast? Something white, creamy, and tangy. Barf!

And oatmeal? Who am I … Oliver Twist? Please sir … can I have some more? I don’t wanna feel like I’m eating like poor people from the 1800’s or those sad gray humans who were fighting in the Matrix. Oatmeal and gruel are the same thing … nuff said!

And here’s the other thing … it’s not like I looked any different because of my super amazing sad breakfast of health. I looked exactly the same … just felt less satisfied every morning.

Sooo … I’m going back to burritos!! And guess what? I am eating one right now … and it is delicious … and I am not sorry about it at all!

Stop lying to yourself and acting like you’re some sort of perfect human. Just be the same awful person that you always were … and be the best dang awful person you can be. Like somehow you’ve healed all the woes of the universe because you did Dry January? Cuz all you do is go right back to Wet February anyway … so really … you’re just a fraud for a month and none of us should trust you.

Do YOU wanna trust someone who claims they have changed, but deep down knows that they’re just living a lie and are going to go right back to their old ways in a couple weeks? Of course you don’t.

So to my fellow horrible humans I say this … go out there and be terrible … it’s way more fun and genuine anyway.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.