Month: June 2023

Adult Story Time Stinks

Dear Diary …

Ahhh story time. When you were a kid, story time was the most glorious time. You would get all snug in your bed … pull the covers up to your chin like you’re a little kid on a sitcom. And then Mommy and Daddy would read you a story …

“Goodnight moon. Goodnight light. Goodnight room.”

Or you know … whatever dork book it was that you had on hand and your kids made you read one million times. The point is … story time is great when you’re a kid.

But when you’re an adult … story time is awful.

And I’m not talking about you having to read to your kids. That ones fine. (Maybe a little annoying at times, but overall not too bad.)

I’m talking about what story time BECOMES for you when you’re an adult. Because now … story time consists of the same horrible thing every time … you get stuck going to a meeting … somebody hands you a giant pamphlet … and then proceeds to to read that pamphlet to you word for word.

And you don’t even get to fall asleep like little kid story time … adult story time makes you sit there the whole time … flippin’ to the next page … having that one read to you as well.

Why do we do this? Just hand me the packet and have me read it. I CAN read. And even if I couldn’t … I could just tell Alexa to do it for me. So why do I need to be dragged into adult story time instead?

Well I’ll tell you why … It’s because most of y’all are lazy and you wouldn’t read it in the first place. So that’s why somebody has to read it to you. So … this is YOUR fault.

Moving on Diary … I’ve decided I don’t appreciate the attitude of auto-reply email messages. They’re just smug and unnecessary.

I am out of the office until Monday … please contact blah blah blah if you have an urgent request.

Oh well congratulations to you! You got to go on a little trip or a staycation or whatever. I don’t need you rubbing it in my face. “I’M not here right now because I’m awesome. But since YOU’RE a working stiff who desperately needs me … you will have to sit there and wait. BAHAHAHA!!!”

Cuz here’s the other thing with the auto-reply … to me it’s basically a guarantee that that person ain’t ever going to actually get back to you.

“Oh sorry … I was out and my inbox was just SWAMPED. What did you need again?”

That’s all they’re going to do … they’re going wait for you to contct them again.

And let’s not even get into the fact that half the time the auto-reply has the wrong dates on it, or ended three days ago. So like … are you here or not?

See? Smug. Don’t appreciate it.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

ChatGPT Sucks at Writing an Anger Diary

Dear Diary …

Don’t listen to what THEY tell you! And you know what? I think I finally figured out who “they” is … it’s the robots!

Cuz that’s all you hear now … “oh AI is so good … you can ask it to do anything and it’s perfect … total time and money saver!”

Oh good … here we go … we’re finally just laying down for the future Robot Revolution and letting The Terminator finally take over because our Robot Gods just make life darn easy.

OK fine! Let’s ask ChatGPT to write this Anger Diary for me then so I don’t have to. So I go in to their little site and I say “write a new diary entry for angerdiary.com in the same writing style” and here’s what I got …

“Hey there, fellow anger warriors!”

OK … first of all … I ain’t never said that. It’s “Dear Diary” you stupid robot.

And I’m gonna save you from having to hear the whole entry (because it sucks), but here’s a snippet (and I WILL read it like a dork) …

“Buckle up for a hilariously frustrating adventure that unfolded in my kitchen recently. Picture this: It’s Monday morning, and I’m ready to conquer the world with a perfect slice of toast. But oh no, my trusty toaster decides it’s time to join the dark side!

I pop in the bread, press the lever, and wait…and wait…and wait. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. The toaster’s playing mind games with me. It’s become a stubborn rebel, refusing to do its only job.”

Ugh … this is terrible … story goes on … apparently I’m supposed to like shake the toaster or something according to the robot … oh and then there’s toast at the end and I’m supposed to “end the story with a wink and a toast-shaped smiley face.”

OK … this is awful. The robots are trash.

They’re not replacing humans! (OK, maybe really dumb humans, but those need replacing anyway so it’s cool.)

Like have you seen those terrible commercials people post on YouTube? They brag, “this whole thing was done with AI … even the people are computer generated.”

Yeah … and the “people” are fine on a quick glance, but then they turn toward the camera and it’s like when you’re having a dream and you’re about to kiss a pretty lady … or guy depending on whatever parts you enjoy … and they look all sexy and beautiful … and then … their faces suddenly get all [EVIL LAUGH] like they’re Pennywise the Clown or something.

People … we in trouble man … we letting the robots in too much. Pretty soon we’re gonna have extension cords at the base of our skulls and we’re gonna just become some sort of drooling nutrient farm for our Overlords.

Happy Tuesday!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Life Is a Waste of Time

Dear Diary …

Why do I sabotage myself? Why do we all sabotage ourselves? We know what we’re doing is stupid. We know how it’s all going to end. And yet we do it anyway.

For example … I don’t watch a lot of movies. I like movies, I just don’t seem to make the time to watch them.

And I can fill this story full of excuses like “I’m too busy to watch movies,” but that’s a lie. Everybody who says “I’m too busy” is a liar. Now I have no doubt that you have stuff going on. We all have stuff going on, but we also don’t fill every second of every day with meaningful stuff.

I mean … I’m sitting here writing this Anger Diary, but I also just spent the last half hour procrastinating and farting around on the internet. Oh … and I played Candy Crush for 45 minutes yesterday. So yeah … I’m not impossibly busy and neither are you. So don’t ever give me that “I’m too busy” excuse for anything, because I know you’re really just saying “I didn’t really wanna do that for you.”

Anyway … back to the movies and how I sabotage myself … because I sit down and think “hmm … maybe I’ll watch a movie.”

And then I say, “Ugh … but a movie is like two hours. I don’t have two hours to watch a movie. I’m too busy. I need to watch something shorter, maybe a half hour.”

Four episodes of “The Office” later and I’ve spent two hours watching absolutely nothing of value, and I could’ve TOTALLY watched that movie instead. And I knew this was going to happen from the start, and yet I did it anyway and totally sabotaged myself. Why?

It’s the same sabotage we all do when we do something like skip the gym. Our brain just keeps repeated over and over … “Skip the gym … skip the gym … you’ll be so happy you did.”

And then, like idiots, we skip the gym knowing full well what happens next. Our brain keeps repeating … “Ugh … why did we skip the gym? Why did we skip the gyyyyyyym????”

Sabotage! And we knew it was going to happen from the very beginning. And yet we do it anyway. Even knowing full well the times we actually go to the gym, we feel SO much better afterward that we actually went.

But I can promise you even knowing this … we’re all gonna do it again anyway. And again. And again. And again.

So fear not Michael Scott … Jim Halpert … Dwight Schrute and the gang … King Stupid will be there wasting way hours with you very very soon!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Sitting Outside is for Suckers

Dear Diary …

Summertime … we are definitely into it now. And a lot of things are great about the summer … wearin’ shorts, going on vacation, fresh fruits and vegetables at the Farmer’s Market. All those things are good. At the same time there are plenty of things that are totally overrated about the summer … sand, kids being home all the time, and one in particular that I wanna address today … sitting outside.

I don’t know why we think we gotta do it in the summer … But we go to a restaurant and there’s a perfectly comfortable, air conditioned inside. And yet for some misguided reason, we think we gotta say “no thank you” to that, and bake our bodies outside in the hot sun instead.

Sure … there’s a time and a place when it’s great to sit outside, but we’re beyond that now. That’s for a month ago when it was warm. Now it’s hot. Stinky sweaty butt crack, Southern humidity, heat stroke kinda hot … and yet like a bunch of dummies we’re like “Hey let’s sit outside!”

No! Let’s not!

Cuz here’s the deal … at just about every restaurant with outdoor seating there’s like 3 comfortable seats with nice shade, and the rest are one million degrees and just … sweaty. Not good for the person, terrible for the ice cubes in your drink, and downright disastrous for your yummy mayonnaise-laden chicken salad sandwich you just ordered up.

Who are we impressing by sitting out here? If God wanted us to sit outside, he never would’ve invented air conditioning in the first place! Totally overrated!

OK … moving on Diary …

Her e’s something i’m making illegal wehn I’m King of Zackmeria … and I don’t care how old or young you are … crimes against chicken wings will be punishable to the fullest extent of the laws.

Kids are the worst at this. I’ve had to watch my daughter and her friends commit chicken wing abuse time and time again, where we Moms and Dads order delicious chicken wings for everybody to enjoy.

And I don’t know about you … but I can eat me my share of chicken wings. There’s pretty much always room for at lest one more. And there is no bigger travesty than when you want another wing and realize they’re all gone … and then you see it … that wing sitting on some kid plate … with like two tiny bites taken out of it and 90% of the deliciousness just sitting there … RUINED.

“Oh you can just eat it”

No you can’t!

Kid mouths are gross. Even your own kids … but especially other people’s kids. You have no idea why kind of bacteria and boogers they’ve been lickin’ all over that chicken wing. So instead … you gotta just throw that poor wing out. Bye bye little angel … total crime against chicken wing humanity.

So you know what? As a leader … sometimes the right decision isn’t always the easiest decision. Kid … enjoy prison. They’ll learn!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.