Boo to the Zoo

Dear Diary …

It’s taken me four decades to figure out, but I think I’ve finally come to the realization that I’ve never really had any fun when I’ve gone to the zoo.  Ever!  And I think I’ve been in denial my entire life.

Now let me start by saying … I love the zoo (in theory).  I love animals.  I love learning about animals.  I love how much the zoos love the animals.  Again … in theory … I think zoos are awesome and I encourage everybody to support the zoo.  Everybody else that is.

Every time I go, it’s the same thing.  My excitement level is through the roof when I get there.  YAY!!!  THE ZOOOOO!!!!

Which in a half hour turns into … [less excited] … yay … the zoo.

Which in another half hour turns into … oh my God I am hot and sweaty and my legs hurt and how many more animals do we still have to see?  UGHHHHH!!!!!

It never fails … my entire life … the hottest day of the year is the day I go to the zoo.  Which is fine … if you’re a crocodile … not some pale schmuck staring at a crocodile.  And really … most of the animals hate it too.  So instead of seeing anything, you’re just searching for some brown lump in the corner, under a log, just trying to get some shade until this million degree day is over with.

And I understand … most of this is on my for poor planning … but it just happens to work out this way every single time.

By the way … while I’m talking zoos … who are these crazy people that stand there and take tons of pictures and videos of random zoo animals.  For what?  You’re never looking at that stuff again.  You gonna invite a bunch of people over … “OK everyone … gather round for this 6 minute video of a camel standing there in its enclosure at the zoo!”

“Hey look kids … a picture of a gorilla!”

“Oh … you mean just like the ones on Google?  Except yours are through am annoying sheet of protective glass and are way less awesome than the real pictures I can call up on the internet in a microsecond?  Awesome!”

Moving on Diary … it blows my mind some of the things that we as a society decide is acceptable quality.  For example … we have evolved for decades upon decades to now be able to provide fantastic TV picture quality, in your house on a wonderfully big screen, and at a fraction of the cost of what it used to be.

So what are we all doing now?  Watching stuff on the tiny screens of our phone.  And not even the long way … the stupid up and down vertical way.  Now we got things like Instagram and Snapchat developing TV shows specifically for this tiny little screen.

“Well … research shows that kids today don’t watch TV.  They watch everything on their phone.”

Well kids … let me ask you this … what the heck is wrong with you idiots?

You got a perfectly fantastic cinema-quality screen to use, and instead you’re staring at some tiny little rectangle with your neck slumped over in a doofus fashion that’s gonna have you growing up with both vision and back problems from stuffing that thing in your face all day long.

Don’t get me wrong … I love me a smartphone.  It’s great for a lot of things, but at some point you gotta get your nose out of it to see what’s around you.

Demand more for yourself.  You deserve better.  You don’t need to be watching TV on a six inch screen.  That’s what your great-grandma had to do when they had this giant piece of furniture with a tiny little black and white square in the middle of it … squinting just to try to see the Lawrence Welk Show or whatever dinosaur was on TV.  Don’t go back to that you dummies!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.