Category: First World Problems

Dear Diary …

Now I know that people are entitled to their own opinions, and that’s fine. We can always “agree to disagree” on things and still live happily ever after. That said, I do think there are some things that everybody on Earth should agree on. No argument. End of discussion.

And it’s not because I think something like “Oh MY opinion is the right opinion.” I don’t mean that. I mean that the opinion is the ONLY opinion because there is no other logical choice.

Take the movie “Birdman” for example. It’s terrible. No argument necessary because there is no counterpoint here. You can’t possibly like that movie. I don’t care what some dorky Academy says. That movie is not good.

I have a coworker that says he likes it. And there’s only two possible explanations for his claim …

1. He’s lying and he’s trying to look cool. Or …

2. Medical. He has some, like, a tumor or something and he doesn’t know it, and it’s laying on the decision-making part of his brain, and it makes him think he likes “Birdman.”

That’s it.

OK … I guess MAYBE some small group of warped people like that movie, so throw that one out and forget I said anything.

Here’s one that we should all people able to agree on … Nobody wants scratchy, uncomfortable toilet paper, right?

That one seems obvious to me that we would ALL wants a nice soft toilet paper when we’re doin’ our thing. But then, in the real world, that’s not being practices. I go out of town this weekend and I stay at my friend’s house. Now this is a grown man with a good job … He’s a father for crying out loud. And yet … scratchy ol’ Scott is the only toilet paper in his house. what is wrong with him? Does he hate himself?

Now I was willing to cut him some slack … He’s a bachelor. The only two things he had in his fridge were pickles and beer. So maybe he doesn’t know what he’s doing because his ex-wife did all the grocery shopping. Fine.

But the next night … we all stay at his brother’s house … who’s also a friend of mine. Now this guy … Family man … Wife … Nice house. His job? Scientist. I mean he’s even got the glasses. So he’s smarter than me … or so I thought. Because I use the bathroom and … hello … scratchy ol’ Scott again.

What is wrong with these people? What is wrong with anybody who buys this stuff?

And don’t play the poor card because …

1. They ain’t poor. And …

2. Even if they are, Angel Soft is like a dollar. And yeah it ain’t the best, but it’s soft. It’s in the name. Keyword: SOFT.

I mean, if you ain’t gonna treat your butt with respect, then how can you be trusted to appropriately love anything in this world?

There’s plenty of things we can disagree on all day long … politics, parenting, how to cook your steak … but scratchy toilet paper? C’mon! That’s a no-brainer!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Dear Diary …

There’s a slight chill in the air. OK … whatever … let’s call it like it is … it’s COLD! Cuz it’s winter! No chill. Straight up cold. Now cold weather isn’t exactly my favorite, but it is what it is, so that doesn’t really bother me. Just throw on a jacket … maybe some gloves … go on with your day. A-ha … But that’s where a certain breed of people come waltzin’ on in … shorts people.

These are the people where … even if it’s cold out … they continue to wear shorts. And if you wanna do that, and wear shorts all year long … I got no problem with that. But would you be quiet about it? Everybody that wears shorts in the winter … you know who they are, because they’re always reminding you that they wear shorts in the winter.

“Hey … looks like we might get snow this weekend.”

“Snow? I wear shorts in the winter. A little snow won’t scare ME! Look at ME! I’m shoveling snow, and I’m wearing SHORTS!”

Yay … good for you. You love cold legs, or you have some sort of genetic mutation and you have an extra layer of whale blubber that makes you impervious to the cold. Either way … I don’t care. Yes … I know you wear shorts in the winter. I see you wearing shorts in the winter. Congratulations on wearing shorts in the winter. What do you want, a trophy?

And Diary … just by bringing this up, I know I’m screwed now. Rest of my life … I’m gonna run into people who wear shorts in the winter, and they are gonna let me know that they wear shorts in the winter, simply because I brought this up. The sacrifices I make for you!

Anyway … moving on Diary …

Can you explain to me why some things that should be SO simple, gotta be so difficult? Like with my phone … and that autocorrect thing. You know … where it fixes the words you spell wrong. Not only that … it learns certain words and names that you use, and will correct those as well. And most of the time, it’s pretty good, but God forbid one time you accidentally cancel out the autocorrect and allow the misspelled word to sneak in to your dictionary. It’s all over!

Autocorrect learns it forever … and the next thing you know you’re busy typing the word “sonething” for the rest of your life. No more “something” for me, Diary. My phone thinks I wanna talk about “sonething” instead. And the word “them?” Gone! Apparently I prefer the word “thrm.” Hey have you heard from thrm lately? Man I haven’t seen thrm in a while.

And you’d think there would be a simple fix for this … You just go in and delete the word out of the list. Yeah … you can’t do that. You can either delete all of them, or just suffer silently. Cuz iPhone doesn’t give you the option to delete just one of them.

And yes … I know … you do have that option on an Android phone. “Love my Droid!” Those people are quick to point that one out, cuz they are even louder than Mr. I Wear Shorts In the Wintertime. Love my Droid!

I can’t even IMAGINE having to put up with people who wear shorts in the winter AND own an android phone. They must be exhausting to be around. How do they even have time to talk about anything else?

“I wear shorts in the winter! Love my Droid! Shorts in the winter! Love my Droid! Shorts in the winter! Love my Droid!”

And if they do Crossfit? Ugh … it’s all over now.

Till next time Diary … I say …. Goodbye.

Dear Diary ….

Now I’ve said this before, but I think it’s important to mention again … because you’re not gettin’ it. It’s something that seems simple to me that you would listen to, but people are not listening. So now is the time to say it again … we are entering cold and flu season (not mention the bonus prize of Ebola). So if you happen to get sick … STAY AWAY!

You have germs. And you can spread those germs. You know how they always say … “Oh it’s goin’ around.” Yeah … it’s cuz YOU are going around … sneezing on things, and touchin’ stuff, and other people.

The people in particular … that’s the one I never understand. You see somebody … they greet you … they give you a hug .. and then say “Oh I’ve been SO sick the last few days!”

What is wrong with you? What made you think it’s a good idea you’re sick, and then you go touching me?

Here’s a simple rule of thumb … When you are sick … you … don’t touch ANYBODY! Play a game called “Wild Animal” … you know … cuz they go and they crawl in the corner and leave everybody else alone. Do that.

At the very least, you state your germs to me up front, and I’ll decide from there what kind of contact we will have.

I mean … take Ebola … they say … “Don’t worry … you can only get it if you come in direct contact with somebody who’s infected.” Obviously that’s not MY plan, but it says nothing for the infected person giving me a hug in the lobby and then saying “Oh man … I’ve been SO sick since my recent vacation to Liberia.”

I’ll tell you what, it’s pretty well known that I haven’t really agreed with much of anything our current President has done, but I will give him props for one thing … the fist bump. No need for germ-ridden touchy touchy … quick tap and you’re outta here, sickie! You hear me? Hopefully this time it sinks in.

OK … moving on Diary …

I’m a good human. OK … occasionally I make people cry when I tell them the truth, but the truth hurts, and it’s for their own good. But I recycle. I try to conserve energy. Stuff like that. Heck … I’ll wear socks two days in a row if they still smell good. There, I’m saving the laundry. Don’t judge! You’re welcome environment.

But what I don’t like, is when you try to force me to do these things. Like at work. Where I will confess I’ve had a little bit of a hissy fit with a little thing called “two-sided printing.” You see Diary, that’s where you decide to print two pages, and your printer goes ahead and prints page one on one side, and then page two on the back side of the same paper.

Well sorry trees, but I require multiple pages for things I print … but my printer … it wants to force me to be green … and defaults to two-sided printing every single day. I change the setting, which next morning is back to the default. Which naturally I forget about at 4 o’clock every morning because I can barely remember my middle name at that time of the day.

So guess what happens? I print. It comes out double-sided … which I then have to throw in the garbage and re-print single-sided. So now I’m using 50 percent MORE paper than if you had just let me print normal in the first place!

Hmph … Hope you’re happy with your forcing of the green two-sided printing. You just murdered a forest. Good luck thrying to sleep tonight on THAT bed of guilt!

Till next time Diary … I say, goodbye.

Dear Diary …

We are all victims of one big conspiracy! Now I realize that I’m going to sound a bit like a lunatic when I start talking, but that’s what “they” want you to think. And by “they,” I mean the people that are orchestrating this conspiracy … and you’re a part of it. Even if you don’t know you’re a part of it, they are gettin’ to you too.

“They” are controlling you … specifically controlling how you spend your money. And “they” are Apple Computer. And not just Apple … other technology people are “they” also, but Apple is the current “they” that’s messing with you.

And what do I mean by this lunatic rant? Well let me tell you a little story about a boy named Zack …

Zack owns an iPhone 5. Zack enjoys his iPhone 5. Zack has never had an issue with his iPhone 5.

Last week … Apple announced the iPhone 6.

And guess what happened THE DAY of that announcement?

Zack’s battery in his iPhone 5 just didn’t seem to be as strong as it used to be. All of a sudden, Zack’s uses his phone a little bit and then … brrmmmmp … low battery.

“Oh hey there Zack … don’t worry. Look what you can have … this shiny NEW phone with no battery problems. All you gotta do is give us a bunch of money and all your problems go away.”

I mean, this is obvious to everybody now, right? They deliberately make the older stuff work like crap, so you have to buy the shiny new stuff, which next year will immediately become the old crap that you need to throw out. It’s the conspiracy, and we’re all in the cycle.

And what I want to know is … when does this stop? Anything technology-related already costs an arm and a leg, and the price just keeps going up and up and up. But you know what’s not going up and up and up? Our pay! It’d be fine if they’re both going up, but they ain’t.

It is time to take a stand!!

And you know what I’m gonna do about it? Nothin’ … Cuz they got me … and now I’m trapped. iPhone 6 anyone?

OK diary … while we are talking phones … I’m going to give everybody a free lesson in telephone etiquette. This is old school stuff … you know … actually TALKING on a phone.

If I call you, and you don’t recognize the number on the caller ID, that doesn’t mean you’re obligated to be a jerk to me the second you pick up the phone.

This happened to me recently calling a prize winner. The woman won concert tickets for crying out loud, but when I call her to tell her, some random dude … I’m assuming boyfriend … answers the phone … “What?”

“Um … hi. Zack from K92 here. Just calling for Courtney.”

“Why?”

Why? Well it was to give her concert tickets, but now it’s maybe to suggest that dump your rude boyfriend and find a guy with some manners.

Good God people … it’s called being polite. Would it kill ya to MAYBE start the conversation a little less accusatory?

It’d be one thing if this was an isolated incident, but it isn’t. Ever get a wrong number from somebody, and they’re mad at you? What are you mad at me for? It was your sausage fingers that dialed incorrectly.

How about an “I’m sorry?” Or at least just be halfway pleasant? Sheesh.

I know … niceness lessons from me … who’da thunk it? You know we’re way too mean if now I’M one of the nice ones.

So be more polite you jerks! There … lesson over.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Dear Diary …

Hello and welcome to today. And on this day, I’m going to use my amazing psychic powers to make a prediction about EVERYBODY’S day. That’s right! I am going to correctly predict your day.

Doesn’t matter who you are … doesn’t matter what you have going on today. You can be at a job you don’t like … you can be at a job you DO like. You can be married and happy … married and miserable … or single. Whatever. I’m still going to correctly predict the day.

Because I’m going to do, is I’m going to tell you what your day is NOT. It’s NOT the “Worst Day Ever.” (Unless you have ebola … cuz that really sucks.) But other than that, I think I can correctly predict for 99 percent of you that it is NOT the “worst day ever.” So quit acting all whiny and claiming it’s the worst day ever.

You people who get all dramatic on social media need to relax!

“I have a toothache. Worst Day Ever”

No it is not! It might not be the best day ever, but big freakin’ deal. It’s called “life.” And life ain’t perfect, so quit your whining and deal with it.

Cuz I’m gonna let you in on a little secret … all that whining and complaining … it just makes things worse and the same loserish stuff is gonna happen to you over and over and over again until you break the cycle.

Like for example …. Here’s a Facebook status I’ll see a lot … “Looks like I’m just destined to be alone for the rest of my life.”

You know what? You probably are. Who would wanna go out with a sad sack like you.

“Nobody love me. I suck.”

Oh way to sell the sizzle! You know what’s attractive? Not that! If you’re going to act like that, you might as well just get yourself four or five kitty cat stick figure stickers for your car window and call it a day.

You have gotta get past this stuff and realize that today … no matter what happens … ain’t the worst day ever. But if you keep acting all pathetic, it definitely isn’t going to get any better. So do something about it and quit booo hooo hoooing to all your friends. And I think I speak for all of ‘em … we’re sick and tired of your drama and are gonna stop being friends with you if you don’t cut it out.

Think about it … if you have fun plans in mind … are gonna say “Hey let’s invite Theresa, the one who’s always miserable on Facebook … she’ll be the life of the party!” Of course not!

So that’s it … “Worst Day Ever” … Throw it away.

OK … moving on Diary … sticking with Facebook. Yes, I’ve come to accept that the thing is a necessary evil. I wish it wasn’t as popular and important as it is both personally and professionally … but it is. I can accept that. But what I refuse to accept is Facebook trying to force me to download nine different apps onto my phone all dealing with the same thing … Facebook!

Now they want me to have Facebook, Facebook Pages, Facebook Mentions …

And don’t even get me started on Facebook Messenger and how insanely invasive and shady it is. Facebook Messenger gives them permission to do just about anything they want on your phone … make calls, texts, record audio, take pictures … the list goes on.

But on an even simpler level, I’m even madder at the app for saying to me “Hey Zack … we’re making it easier than ever for you to access your messages!”

You know what was easier? One app! For everything!!!!

More is not easier. More is more. Don’t talk to me like I’m a moron that can’t figure out you’re just blowing smoke up my bum and trying to dominate every crevice of my life so you can turn around and sell it to advertisers.

I keep sayin’ it … people … You seen Terminator when the robots rise up and take over? Better go to the store and stock up on canned goods and ammo … cuz the Facebook army is coming to get us all.

But hey … in that gloom and doom, would you like one silver lining? When it does happen, and the robots rise up and take over and make us all their slaves … That day … THAT’S the “Worst Day Ever,” so you’ll finally be able to use that one and have it be true.

Yay?

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Dear Diary …

I need to apologize in advance. Because Diary … I try not to burden you with the really big problems in my life. I like to come in here and say little things like, “People who go to yard sales don’t know how to drive,” or “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is really lame,” but today I’m dealing with real adversity.

And I’ve been trying my best to overcome it … to persevere … to fight through this difficult time in my life. But I can’t hide it from you any more Diary … I simply must confess to you that the question mark and exclamation point are WAY too close to each other on my phone, and it keeps totally ruining my text message conversations!

And don’t you be all “Hey … that’s not serious!” Because I don’t think you understand … it’s making me sound WAY too excited in my conversations.

Just the other day … with a work friend … I meant to text “Meet up later?” Nice … polite question. Only problem is I accidentally hit the exclamation point. So now I’m shouting at them “MEET UP LATER!!!” Who would want to meet up with such a demanding person? I would not.

So you can see how this one little piece of punctuation can totally distort a conversation.

Another time recently my wife texted me … I was busy. So I meant to say, “Busy. Call you in 10 minutes?” But instead … my fat thumb again throws in an exclamation point … and here I am yelling at the mother of my children “CALL YOU IN 10 MINUTES!!!” I’m not a good husband and a loving father any more … that was for the question mark guy. Now I’m some exclamation point jerkbag who yells at his wife in a text message.

So now you see … real adversity. That’s it … I’m gonna have to throw this phone away or this exclamation point is gonna leave me divorced and friendless.

OK in the meantime … moving on Diary … I’ve brought this up before, but I feel the need to do it again, because it keeps happening. So here’s what I’m gonna do … I’m gonna give you a test where you can find out who your real friends are. Because some people … oh you think they’re your friend … but when push comes to shove … they ain’t your friend.

Actually I should say “When lift comes to shove,” because it’s about helping a friend move. And if you’re thinking to yourself “Yeah that’s right Zack … You find out who your real friends are when you’re moving and you ask for help, cuz your REAL friends show up!”

No no no no no … You got this all backwards, Junior. You find out who your real friends are because real friends don’t ask their friends to help them move. That’s what movers are for!

Cuz if you’ve if you’ve never moved, let me let you in on a little secret … It’s the worst thing. EVER! E-VER. Who forces their friends to take part in the worst thing ever? Bad friends … that’s who!

I mean … Wouldn’t you think it was ridiculous if your friend called you and said … “Hey my lawn needs to be mowed … come over and do it for me!” You would never do that. Meanwhile moving is about a million times worse than mowing a lawn. Don’t do that for your friends.

“Hey we’ll feed you with pizza!”

Oh that’s a fair trade! You are aware that there’s a lunch buffet where I can eat as much pizza as I want for 5 dollars … right? And they don’t make me lift any boxes while I’m there!

Help you move … Yeah … Away. Fake friend don’t need to be posing as my real friend in the first place. Enjoy your new neighborhood!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye