Category: First World Problems

Merry Christmas Whether You Like It Or Not


Dear Diary …

Merry Christmas … whether you like it or not!

That’s right … I am here to send this Christmas greeting to you and you are gonna sit there, and you are gonna take it. End of story.

I am so sick and tired of people automatically whining, “It’s too early for Christmas.”

Yeah you’re right … Shame on us for celebrating the most wonderful time of year for as long as possible. The one about peace, and love, and giving. Yeah … let’s not drag that one out at all.

Well I thumb my Yule Log at you!

You know what I’m doing while I write this? Listening to Christmas music.

Which by the way … let me be the one to break the news to you … There are going to be radio stations that start playing Christmas music before Thanksgiving, like they do every single year. So from now till the end of time, that’s going to happen.

Why is that such a shock to some people?

“I can’t believe they’re playing Christmas music already!”

Do you have amnesia from last year or something? Cuz this is nothing new. Year after year, it happens.

And let me let you in on another little secret … the people who say “I protest … I won’t listen!” Yeah well there are these things called “ratings,” and even though everybody claims not to listen, these “ratings” seem to magically go higher. So SOMEBODY’S listening.

And don’t get all “we’re skipping right over Thanksgiving and going right to Christmas” on me. I’ll stop you right there, because I love me some Thanksgiving. I love it so much, I’m gonna do things with gravy on Thursday that would make your grandma faint. That’s how much I love Thanksgiving.

Best day of the year! It’s all about food and you don’t have to buy anybody any presents. It’s like Christmas without all the errands. What’s not to love?

But the reality is, there aren’t really any Thanksgiving songs to soak in other than “The Thanksgiving Song.” So I gotta skip right to Christmas.

And you know what? I have figured out a way to celebrate Thanksgiving and [[GASP]] listen to a Christmas song in November at the same time. Amazing!

You know what it is? A lot of people are looking to just complain about something, and this is a very easy one for them to comp,lain about. But here’s a fact … There’s a lot of crappy things going on in this world, so maybe it isn’t such a bad thing if we all get together and celebrate good things like Christmas for just a little bit longer than we did in the past.

Am I right, or am I right? Cuz I’m right. I know I’m right.

I’m not modest, but I’ right.

Till next time Diary, I say “Ho Ho Ho Merr…” (OK that’s a bit much, but you get the point).

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Alone With My Thoughts


Dear Diary …

Why your brain gotta screw ya? For all the wonderful and amazing things your brain does, it also does plenty of dumb things that totally screw you over. I call it “Jerk Brain” because … quite simply … your brain’s being a jerk.

Like when you leave for work in the morning, and then remember that your forgot something back at your house and you are JUST far enough away from your house that you can’t really turn around? That’s Jerk Brain. He coulda remembered sooner, but he didn’t.

Here’s another one … This morning I’m in the shower, which 99% of the time is a place where you are alone with your thoughts. And as I sit there in the warm water, just soaking it all in, my brain says …

“Hye, you know what? I haven’t been sick in a really long time. I wonder if I can make it thru the whole year without getting sick?”

Oh crap! Thoughts like that immediately terrify me because you start thinking … “Wait a minute … why you got sickness on the brain, brain? What’s goin’ on it there?”

Fast forward a half hour later. I’m sitting at work and I …

[[[WHHHHPPPP]]]

Kinda got a little dry throat here.

[[[WHHHHPPPP]]]

Little phlegmy.

JERK BRAIIIIN!!!!!

Now I’m still teetering … so I’m hoping it’s just a false alarm, but why you gotta do me like that Jerk Brain? Make me think about bein’ all well, and then makin’ me all sick. You jerk!

OK … moving on Diary …

I’m the cook in the house. I make most of the meals. Now my wife CAN cook … my schedule is just better for it. And honestly … I like it. And also … I’m pretty good at it. So it’s a bonus for everybody that they can get some pretty fancy meals right outta the hosue.

But here’s the deal … like any good chef, my food better be recognized and appreciated. And above all else … It better be eaten when it’s ready. Cuz this chef likes hot food .. so when it’s time to eat … it’s TIME TO EAT!

Last weekend … I make a meat sauce. Two days! Two days it takes me to make that thing … so you know it’s a darn good meat sauce. So it’s finally ready and I call everyone to the table … “Alright … dinner time.”

[[[SILENCE]]]

Hello????

DI-NNER-TIME!!!!

Sauce takes me two days to make, and now I’m sitting there. Waitin’. Food gettin’ cold here!

You know back in the day …. out on the ranch … you ring that bell … they come a-runnin’ in from the fields. And you people aren’t in no field … you’re in the living room watchin’ Netflix for so long you probably have blood clots in your legs from sittin’ there.

The Chef hails ye to dinner … Ye best be movin’ or I’m gonna start making me delicious meat sauce, and the rest of you can fight over a Lunchable! Get on with your hustle!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Great iPhone Conspiracy

Dear Diary …

I’m here today to blow the whistle on a conspiracy. And we are ALL involved whether we like it or not. And thing that really stinks is that a lot of us KNOW we’re involved, but we are powerless and let it happen anyway. And the conspiracy is simple … everything we buy is crap.

Now it’s not crap when we buy it, it’s the greatest thing in the history of things. But the minute a newer version of that thing is released … ours is now “instant crap.”

For example, I have an iPhone … 5. Which as you may remember from like a year ago, was “the greatest thing in the history of things.” I think that was even a quote from excited Apple CEO guy when they released the phone. Yeah … well now they’re on iPhone 6’s, and my phone stinks.

And before I go any further, don’t you Android phone people get all Droidy on me, your stuff turns to crap too the minute a new version is released. We are all on the same team in this one … Team Gettin’ Screwed.

OK back to my phone … Let me give you an example …

The entire time I’ve owned my iPhone 5, I’ve really had no problem with it whatsoever. Until the second after they announced the new iPhone 6S (and also announced that they ain’t makin’ no 5’s no more). The next DAY I think to myself, “Hey … My battery seems to be dying a little bit quicker all of a sudden.”

Hmmmmmm … I wonder if there was some sort of announcement that just happened for a newer more expensive phone from like … say .. yesterday? Oh look! A flyer in the mail from my cell phone provider letting me know that I can upgrade my phone if I want to … hmmmmmmm …

And it’s spiraling downhill like crazy. The other day my phone was on 19% battery. OK … that’s low, but it also implies that I still have one-fifth of my battery left. I mean, when it’s at 99%, nobody’s freaking out that “oh my God it’s going to drop to 80% soon!”

That’s not a worry we have. So I should be fine, right? Wrong!

One text. All I wanted to do was send one text to my wife to let her know I was on my way home. And before I could hit “send,” phone turns off with the little R.I.P. battery sign popping up. So 19% to zero … in two seconds.

Conspiracy! And we’re all gettin’ hosed. It’s no coincidence that my phone has become instant crap.

Well guess what Apple? I ain’t givin’ in. I don’t care if I gotta stick a charger up my butt 24-7 to keep this thing going … I will do it. I’m not buying the 6s!

And uh … yeah … it’s because I’m holding out for the more awesomer and more expensive iPhone 7 when it comes out … so … ummm … that’ll show YOU!!!

Yep … sucka.

Till next time Diary … I say, goodbye.

Water Bottles and the Pope

Dear Diary …

So … the Pope was in America last week. Now first of all, this Anger Diary has nothing to do with the Pope. Love me some Pope. Seems like a nice guy. And even if you’re not Catholic, you wanna at least hedge your bets, right? That way when you die and you get to those gates … you know … whatever religion happens to be the bouncer. “Oh yeah … you liked the Pope … OK you can get in the club!” So you certainly don’t wanna be bad-mouthing the Pope.

Here’s the thing I don’t understand … I see the Pope on TV and there’s this GIGANTIC crowd. And the news even says, “Hundreds of thousands gather hoping get a glimpse of the Pope.”

I’m sorry … You people are nuts. I’m not jamming into a space with 200,000 other people unless I’m getting a guarantee of something GOOD. “Hoping” to get a “glimpse?” … No thank you!

And what do you really expect to even see? Cuz the reality is, you ain’t at the front of this line unless you’re one of those weirdoes that camps out for a week for things like Black Friday and new iPhones. You know, the ones that don’t mind pooping in a bucket or having actual lives with jobs and responsibilities.

So you’re gonna be ALL the way in the back. So best case scenario … What are you even gonna see? The tippy top of his little Pope hat? That’s about it. I don’t even like going to the Salem Fair at busy times. I’m certainly not gonna jam myself into this gigantic field just for a “glimpse” of the Pope.

Oh by the way … guess what I saw? The Pope. Real big … and in HD. Right there on my TV. Clear view of the whole thing. Could even crank up the volume and hear his soft, beautiful voice loud and clear. At my house. In my underwear. That’s how you do it!

Glimpse. Glimpses are for suckas.

Moving on Diary …

So this past weekend I went away for a couple days with the wife and reminded me how much I hate water bottles. We stayed out in the wilderness, so you gotta bring bottled water with you. That’s fine. I enjoy bottled water … the actual water … all crisp and delicious. But what I’ve learned over the years is that women in particular do not keep track of their water bottles.

Same thing happened when I was at the beach this summer. Three couples in one house … and there are half drank water bottles all over the place.

And you know what? “Half drank” ain’t the right word. “One sipped” is more like it.

Somebody open a bottle … take one sip … and then put that one sipper down .. forget which one is theirs because there are 27 other one sippers laying around. And then just goes and opens another one.

“Can you go to the store and get more water bottles? We’re almost out”

Of course we’re almost out, we’ve got a case of one sippers laying all over this place!

And I even bought a Sharpie at the store! “Hey … here you go … you can write your name on your bottle so you don’t lo….” Oh forget it, they’re not listening.

And here’s the other thing I don’t understand … even though this is fresh, lovely, purified water … we treat the one sipper like all of a sudden it’s filled with bacteria-laden Mexican tap water or something. “Oh I don’t know WHO’S this is, I can’t drink THIS!”

Over the weekend … umm … it’s either mine or yours. Does it really matter? We’re married. We’ve had two kids. I know what a mucus plug is from birthing class. I think we can share a water!

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye.

Why Bother?

Dear Diary …

Today I’d like to introduce a segment called “Why Bother?” This is for all the silly things that we do, that when you stop and think about it, are pointless. Why do we even bother?

Take car alarms for example. What is the point?

“Oh it’s to protect your car from thieves when they try to burgle you!”

Sure … in theory. But I heard a car alarm yesterday … and you know what I did? Nothing! Same thing everybody does when they hear a car alarm … NO-THING!

Actually we don’t do “nothing,” we all do the exact same thing, which is that we think to ourselves “would that person please shut their STUPID alarm off now? It is annoying me!”

That’s all we do. I mean … if they are bein’ burgled … that alarm ain’t helpin’ … so why do we even bother?

OK here’s another one to throw into the “Why Bother?” pile … Car inspections. Can’t we all just agree that we’re beyond this ridiculous sticker? I mean c’mon … the people that do ‘em don’t even wanna do ‘em. EVERY time I ask to get my car inspected, that face they make at the car place and with the eye rolling, it’s the same reaction I get when I ask one of my kids to pick up their toys. “Oh man … why do I have to do it?” Because you’ve got that little sticker with the “9” on it in the window. Look … I don’t wanna be here either. Just inspect the stupid thing so we can move on.

C’mon … we don’t need these things any more.

“Oh but they’re SO important for safety, and emissions, and blah blah blah”

Fine. Then make ‘em easier to get. Put a nerd with a clipboard at a drive-thru inspection place and slap the dang sticker on. 95% of the cars on the road need about two seconds from an eyeball test to pass. And for those of us … myself included … that drive a POS … you can check us out for a little bit longer. There … you happy?

Here’s another “Why Bother?” … Asking men for advice.

Why do women do this?

They ask men for advice, and then all they do is immediately go ask their Mom or best friend the exact same question, and then do whatever that person advises. So just eliminate the middle man … and I do mean the actual man … just boot us out of the way and go right to the source you’re actually going to listen to.

And ladies … It’s your own fault when you complain about stuff like how your man never offers his opinion and all he says is “I don’t know.” It’s because we know … you don’t care about our advice anyway. So skip it.

And finally Diary … Why do we bother with this whole fascination with “secret menus?”

You see posts like this all the time online … “Oh the McDonald’s secret menu has been REVEALED!” … and then for some reason we get all excited like we’ve found buried treasure or something because somebody tells you to “order a double cheeseburger, but then tell them to but a McChicken patty on there too! It’s called the McChickaBurger!”

OOOOOOHHHH!!!

Yeah … you know what? I can do that to where I just make up silly combinations of ingredients that they have on hand and then give it some goofy name. Hey … order french fries … and then tell them to put chocolate ice cream on them. It’s called McIce Cream Fries!

And I am aware … Dumb name. But the whole concept of the “secret menu” is dumb in the first place.

You do realize, that all your trying to do is add some sort of mystery and glamour to your annoying special orders you’re always trying to get people to do? You … most difficult fast food orderer of all time. That’s all this is.

And difficult special menu person … “They always mess up my order”

That’s because your order is dumb! Order what they have and either 1) Learn to like it, or 2) Pick off the ingredients “you don’t like.”

Or what about this for a crazy idea if you’re so specific about what you can and can’t eat … Make your own food. That way the only person you’re annoying is you.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Kids Don’t Listen and FaceTime Stinks

Dear Diary …

I would say that this is a message for all kids listening to pay attention to, because I’m going to give them some words of wisdom that they can really use. However, I’m not going to say that.

Why? Because kids don’t listen! Not that they don’t listen to this show … they do that, and I’m glad they do. But words of wisdom? Children don’t care about those!

They already know everything, Diary. And further … They think that we parents … we don’t know nothin’.

Like take my son … he’s three. The other day, he’s doing this thing where he’s in the living room and he’s declared that the back of the living room chair is “his slide” and he’s going to sort of fall/jump off of his makeshift creation of his. It’s a game he calls “The Slide,” that I like to call “Trip to the Emergency Room.”

And I tell him … “Lennon, please don’t do that. You are going to fall and could really hurt yourself.”

“No I won’t!”

That is a kid’s response to everything … “No I won’t!” Well yes I know you don’t PLAN on falling and breaking your arm, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not going to happen. I mean … I say “I’m gonna eat healthy,” and then I polish off a half a pound of bacon. And Monica Brooks says things like “I’m not gonna get pregnant,” but doesn’t seem to be doing anything about it.

Anyway … What do you think happens next? He falls. Of course he falls! Because jumping off the back of a chair is a recipe for disaster. So he falls on the floor jams his little wrist on the ground and now he’s crying to me “Daddy my arm!” Well of course your arm you dummy! You didn’t listen to me, and now your arm hurts.

And here’s the kicker with these kids … Five minutes later he stops crying and he’s climbing right back up onto the back of the chair to do “The Slide” again. What is wrong with you?

Exactly how hard do you have to hit your head in order to knock some sense into it? So what do you think happens next? He falls again. Of course he falls again! Slams his butt on the ground. I’m not even going to pretend to care this time. “Ahhhh … WHY???” You know darn well why!

Look kids … I know you’re not gonna listen to me, but I’m gonna say it anyway. We parents aren’t as stupid as you may think we are. Nope …they’re not listenin’. Nevermind … just play the Whip and the Nene and call it a day.

OK … moving on Diary …

FaceTime. Or Skype. Or whatever video chat thing it is that you use.

That was always one of those technology Holy Grails back in the day. “Oh man … can you imagine if we ever have the technology to have live video chat … face to face … in real time? That’ll just be the best thing ever!”

Yeah well it’s here … and it’s not. I hate FaceTime. Cuz the problem is … nobody knows how to use it right.

For me … is supposed to be like a quick conversation … Like my mother lives in Massachusetts … “Hey wanna see the grandkids .. yup … there they are … OK bye!” That’s what FaceTime should be.

She, however, disagrees. She treats it like a regular phone call. Even though it is most definitely NOT a regular phone call. First of all … she just FaceTime calls. No warning … no “Hey can we FaceTime some time today?” sort of text. Just … [[ring]] … FaceTiming youuuuu.

No … you cannot FaceTime unannounced! I gotta be seen on this thing. What if I look terrible? Like … when she called … and I looked terrible. I need prep time to sit in my makeup chair and look good for the stupid video call.

And second … when I finally did do this call .. She talked to my 6 year old daughter for 28 minutes. Who talks to a 6 year old for 28 minutes on anything … let alone FaceTime?

I’m sorry, but I cannot have a 28 minute face to face conversation with any human on this planet. Ever. I have a medical condition where I am physically unable to refrain from rolling my eyes at you when you’re annoying me. And every single person on earth is guaranteed to annoy me within a 28 minute span. It’s medical! It’s not in the Americans with Disabilities Act yet, but it will be some day darnit!

On a phone, I can just do it. And you don’t know, and we can continue. FaceTime? You gotta see it. That’s not good for anybody involved.

Stupid FaceTime. That’s one of things where when you don’t have it, you THINK you want it, but then when you actually get it, it was a really bad idea. Like a threesome. “Aw yeah .. that’ll be GREAT … two chicks at the same time!” Next thing you know your wife don’t like you anymore and she’s running off to live with her sexy bisexual friend that just “knows me so much better than you ever could.”

Hope it was worth it!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Stay At Home Moms Are Weird

Dear Diary …

Stay at home Moms. OK … before anything else, let me stand on the highest mountain and shout your praises for all the things that you do. But also … you guys are weird. Because yeah … you do ALL these amazing things day in and day out with your children, which leads me to the question … “Why?” I spend like one afternoon with my kids and I’m about ready to lose my mind.

Stay at home Moms … and I mean this as a compliment … you guys are mutants. The fact that you can handle these little rascals … you’re like the X-Men … you’re just bigger, better, and stronger than we are. How do you not kill ‘em? Or at the very least … How do you not spiral down into some sort of wine-induced fog by 3 pm every day just to make the screeching go away?

I was on vacation last week … Every two seconds with these kids … they want something.

“I want Cheeze-Its”

OK … fine. Here’s your Cheez-Its.

Sit back down. Two seconds later the other one …

“Can I have some Goldfish?”

AHHHH!!!! Why didn’t you mention that when I was in the kitchen?

“I forgot?”

Oh bologna you forgot! Fine … here’s your Goldfish. Alright …

Anybody else have anything they want before I sit down? No? … OK … Good.

[[aaahhhh]]

::SNIFF SNIFF::

AHH … poop! Here we go!

No clue how you do it. For me … staying at home makes me actually look forward to going to work. YOUR work IS home … there’s no escape!

Weirdoes … the whole lot of ya. Thoroughly important gifts from God. But still weird ones.

OK … moving on Diary …

Here’s a segment I like to call, “Things We Should Be Better At.”

When you look at it as a whole, this world really is an amazing place. Look at how far we’ve come as a people in the past hundred years. Heck … the past 20 years. I mean 20 years ago we weren’t pooping in a hole in the ground like we were a hundred years ago, but still … the internet? Hello! That said, there are still glaring problems that to me … given how far we’ve come … shouldn’t happen any more.

For example … why in our cars does there still exist a place between the front seats that is just big enough to have things like your cell phone … bloop … just fall right in? And this place is also small enough that it’s impossible to get your hand in to get the things out! This random little black hole doesn’t need to be there … serves no purpose … so why is it still there? We can plug up that hole? Shoot … bring back bench seating in cars … problem solved.

Here’s another thing we should be better at … I mean we got the technology to send back pictures of the planet Pluto in HD, but I still can’t take a shower and run a sprinkler at the same time in my house?

Look … I get it when … you know … indoor plumbing was new and stuff and we had just upgraded from using a wash basin, but you mean to tell me they can’t run enough water into my house so I can do those two things at the same time?

Failing … that’s what we’re doing here. Fix it … that’s what needs to happen.

Till next time Diary, I say … goodbye.

Summertime is Hell

Dear Diary …

Summer time is here … Which you can probably tell by the fact that IT’S HOT! And not “Anna Kendrick Hot” … More like “Live inside a gigantic lasagna, sweaty buttcrack sorta hot.” Oh I hate the hot. The whole world just has a nasty smarm on it. Everywhere you go, it’s just gross.

And even worse … the kids are all sweaty and ornery … and … just … around. Ugh. Diary … they’re just there. All the time.

That’s what I’m learning as an adult is the worst part about summer … No school. Sure … that was the best part when you were young. And kiddoes … soak it up while you got it. Because when you grow up and have kids of their own … Summertime is just one long, hot, sweaty fight between siblings.

We’re like two weeks in to the summer and I’m already convinced that one of my kids is gonna defeat the other one in some sort of Game of Thrones-style battle. And if I’m being honest, I’m not really helping since just last night I *may* have said “The two of you just fight to the death and let me know who wins.” I can’t take it anymore! They’re just actually laying on top of each other to drive each other insane.

And speaking of the fighting … Diary … they fight about the dumbest, least significant things on Earth. Yesterday’s fight? Who gets to open the door to the driveway. The two of the grabbing for the doorknob all “GNAHHH GNAHHH GNAHHH … I wanna open the door!”

ENOUGH!!

“But I was here first”

I hate that claim by the way. Like the world is just one big game of calling “Shotgun,” and as long as you say you were first, that’s all that matters. I don’t care who was first. You’re fighting over a doorknob!!!!!

Man, I gotta think even if you go to war-torn Taliban and ISIS areas of this world would be like … “Ok enough with the doorknob, this is ridiculous.”

Diary … I don’t think we’re gonna make it thru the summer. Add in the fact that my son, he’s three, which means he’s chock full of attitude, he’s got this new thing where in addition to just being a stinker all the time, he’s now getting Mommy and Daddy specific with his demands.

Like yesterday, I’m sitting on the couch … “Daddy I want milk.”

My wife … in the kitchen at the time … says “Ok, Ill get you milk.”

“No! I want Daddy do it! You get me milk!”

Well hello there little dictator! I ain’t getting up and getting you milk when somebody else is already in there who can get you the same exact milk.

“No … you do it!”
:::SNIFF::: Diary … I’m not gonna make it. It’s hot .. and these children are mean! I’m going crazy … I’m not gonna make it! :::SNIFF:::

Man I love fall.

Already taunting me. Their book bags … hanging on those hooks … just saying “Send me back to school, pleeeeease!”

Man I miss fall.

Till next time Diary, I say, goodbye.

Build-a-Bear Hell

Dear Diary …

I’m all about making this world a better place. So this is a teaching moment. Cuz you are doing it wrong, and I’m gonna teach you how to stop doing that. And this time … you mean well … but you’re screwing it up … so I’m gonna help you.

See … cuz … I have kids. And most of you that I’m trying to help … you don’t have kids. And you’re buying things for my kids … which I’m totally appreciative of … but you’re buying them the complete wrong things. I thank you for your generosity, but I’d also like it if your generosity didn’t turn into a big fat headache for me.

So … here’s the three things that you non-kid havers shouldn’t be buying for kids …

1) Anything loud or messy.

This is pretty self explanatory. Musical instruments, moon sand, Play Dough … ugh Play Dough. That’s the one you think “Oh I LOVED Play Dough as a kid!” … I stupidly thought that myself when I bought my daughter the Play Dough Burger Maker, and was then tortured with all that dried up nastiness stuck in the fibers of my carpet. And then I thought about, all my memories of Play Dough as a kid come from like … one experience. And then I figured out why … I played with the Play Dough Burger Maker one time, and then my parents threw that monstrosity in the garbage and I never used it again.

2) Things that take batteries.

You know me, Diary. I have a long-documented hate of toys that require batteries because they use to many of them and they die too quickly. No batteries!

… and this is the big one …

3) Gift cards.

Now I know what you non-kid havers are thinking “That doesn’t make any sense. A gift card is PERFECT because then they kid can get exactly what they want!”

Yeah well … you’re wrong.

Because the first thing a gift card does is make the child hate every single toy they currently own.

My daughter has too much stuff as it is … and on her birthday she got even more stuff. So now she really she NEEDS nothing. Problem is, somebody gave her a Build-a-Bear gift card. So now that’s all her little brain was focused on … “When do I get to go to Build-a-Bear to use my gift card?”

I’m still cleaning up the carnage of your birthday party. You’re surrounded by an orgy of toys … hundreds of dollars of toys. This should be enough for you!

“Yeah … but when do I get to go to Build a Bear to use my gift card?”

And then the extra problem … Non-kid haver says “Oh they can get anything they want” … Yeah well I can guarantee you this … whatever they want costs more than whatever you gave them.

$20 to Build-a-Bear … That’s like giving somebody a $100 gift card good toward the purchase of … oh … an entire house. $20 gets you nothin’. It might as well say “Guaranteed headache for Daddy” on it instead of gift card.

Look … I applaud these people for coming up with amazingly successful businesses … but when they depart this Earth, I confess that at least part of me hopes they end up in a place where they get attached to one of those giant Build a Bear tubes, and they gotta put their mouth on that tube, and then all that stuffing just BRRRMMMP right into their insides with that machine. And all the while with that awful loud Build-a-Bear music blaring into their skulls.

Diary … they sell underwear there. For bears!

Poor kids in Africa don’t have food, meanwhile we buy underwear for stuffed animals with our Build-a-Bear gift cards. ‘Murica!!!!

Oh and let’s not forget … you got a gift card for my one kid. But I got two kids … and my son is three … so the explanation “Well you don’ get anything because you don’t have a gift card of your own.” Yeah … that’s never gonna work.

So now I gotta buy him something. And he’s in full sensory overload in this explosion toys and goodies. Practically foaming at the mouth. And they’re too stinkin’ nice there! He picks out a bear, fills it, brushes it’s hair … because, yes, they have beauty stations … and then completely changes his mind as we’re going to pay.

“Oh that’s OK sir … We’re happy to accommodate your child whenever he changes his mind.”

Don’t do that! Now he’s just gonna think he can change his mind for the rest of his life … at the register, in the parking lot, at home the next day. No!

You’re like the grandparents of stores. Mommy and Daddy try to do the right thing, get the kids to eat his vegetables, and then you just fill ‘em full of candy when we aren’t looking.

You see what your gift card does to us? Now I’ve got a sobbing child, writhing around on the floor of Build-a-Bear. Happy Birthday!

Till next time Diary, I say goodbye.

No Hustle

Dear Diary …

We’re all in this together, right? The world is a crazy place. So if we don’t have each other’s backs … we’re screwed! Right?

It seems like the obvious answer to these questions is “yes … we’re all in this together,” but if we are, then why are so many of you showing no hustle when it comes to a green arrow?

You know … green arrow … at a traffic light. The quickest of the traffic lights. So when that thing turns green … you gotta punch it Margaret and show me some hustle so we can all make it thru this stinkin’ light together!

And this seems like common sense, but all last week I’m just trapped behind … slow … and … steady … take … my … time. C’mon man … I wanna get thru this light too! Move it!

Nobody hustles anymore … for anything.

At work … doo bee doo bee doo … doin’ my job … as slow as possible.

Crossing the street … walkin’ reaaaal … sloowwwwww

Pick up the pace slackers! You don’t have to move all crazy, but we’re on this Earth for a limited about of time, I don’t wanna spend my precious time waiting for your meatball sub legs to walk across the street. Hustle!

OK … moving on Diary …

I’m pretty sure every kid on Earth has the same thought about their parents … That they’re idiots. They all think we’re just dumb, oblivious humanoids that were only put on this Earth to make rules and mow the lawn.

I know that’s what my kids think … that I’m some fool that falls for their little games.

Like my son … he’s three … and he thinks he’s tricking me into giving him milk at times he’s not supposed to ask for milk.

Cuz what he does is he doesn’t directly ask for milk … he just says …

“Hey what’s in da refrigerator?”

I don’t know, what’s in there?

“Is it milk? You got milk in there?”

Yes … there’s milk in there.

“Is it cow’s milk? You got cow’s milk in there?”

Fine … here’s your milk. But don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing here.

My daughter takes a different approach … like when she wants a snack and it’s not snack time …

“Hey Daddy!”

Yes?

[[[[Mumble mumble Cheez-Its?]]]]

What was that?

[[[[Mumble mumble Cheez-Its?]]]]

Yeah … I hear Cheez-Its in there. And she just points her little finger at the box. [[[Mumble mumble Cheez-Its?]]

Fine … here’s your Cheez-Its. But again … let me be clear … you ain’t tricking me into this. I’m giving you these things because I choose to give them to you. Not because you’ve … [[robot voice]] tricked … humanoid … robot … Dad … again.

I might be dumb, but I ain’t THAT dumb!

Of course, when you think about it, they are getting exactly what they want at the time they aren’t supposed to have it, so [[[robot voice]] Maybe … I … am … the … idiot.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye