I Ain’t Asking For Much

Dear Diary …

As we sit here this morning … not being billionaires because apparently we can’t be the lucky schmuck who wins the lottery .. I just gotta declare on behalf of all of us … C’mon man … I ain’t askin’ for much!

By the way … If you want tips on how to win the lottery, just remember that you gotta buy your ticket from the crappiest and scariest convenience store … in Michigan. Because that’s where the winner always seems to happen. You also gotta be weird lookin’ … probably wear things like checkered shirts and suspenders. And don’t comb your hair. You always want to look a little dumpy when you pick up your prize.

But back to my point … I ain’t asking for much. Ok fine … I’m never gonna win the billion dollar lottery … it’s cool … I can accept that I guess. So in the meantime can I at least get some other lucky benefits in life … like can I stop running over stuff?

That doesn’t feel like I’m asking for much, but apparently it is because I always run over stuff. You can be rest assured that if there’s a nail in the road, I’m gonna be the one to run it over and have it jam into my car tire. And not just nails … last week I had the privilege of being lucky enough to run over a drill bit replacement and have it blast its way into my tire. And yes … I drive on normal roads. You would think I was driving in the middle of a Home Depot with a drill bit in my tire!

I mean you talk about the odds of winning the lottery, but the odds of running over a drill bit replacement AND have it go into your tire gotta be just about the same longshot. But do I win the billion dollar lottery? NAHHHH … I just win the … runnin’ over stuff lottery. Lucky me!

And what the heck is the deal anyway? Where do all these nails come from? Never once in my life have I seen a nail just hanging out, sticking straight up in the road. And yet that seems to be exactly the case every time I run one over. Like how does that even happen.

I should also add that in the same week my wife managed to hit a deer with her car … the second time in a week. So now that’s all jacked up too.

And again … what can possibly be the odds of running over a drill bit replacement … and hitting two deer in the same week … AND having an entire tree fall on your house in the same three month span? But a billion dollars? Nope … those odds are just too impossible to hit. But in this situation … lucky me!

Sweet! I feel so blessed!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

I Ain’t No Dummy

Dear Diary …

I’m a big boy. I can handle it. We’re in a stupid recession right now. And whether it’s “officially” a recession or whatever, the fact is that things are stinkier right now vs. when they are more awesome. (See … that’s the scientific definition.)

Reality is … markets are down, pennies are being pinched, and stuff is more expensive. And that’s fine … OK it’s not “fine,” but it’s the reality … so at the very least can I ask you not insult my intelligence about all of this?

Like go to the grocery store … these paper towel people have got some nerve. Now … you go to buy what you think is the “big” pack of paper towels because it’s got FOUR rolls ALL the way across the package … and then … nothin’. Ain’t no back part to this. Used to be a back part to this. And it used to be just two or three in the front … but there was a back part.

So now they’re over here treatin’ us like dummies because there’s LESS rolls, but they just make the packaging longer. Hey stupid consumer … look how long this is! You’re excited to buy it! Oh … and it costs as much as when there was a back part … there just ain’t no back part anymore!

And let me just add … when they say this garbage about “double roll … TRIPLE roll!” … in comparison to what???? Cuz it ain’t in comparison to a normal roll. So yeah it’s twice as much as some weird baby roll that you bought on the internet during COVID, but that’s about it.

I understand in many different industries why the price has been forced upward because of their rising costs behind the scenes as well as lost income during the pandemic, but I remember the pandemic … and you know who didn’t have any problem making money? Paper towel and toilet paper people!!!

I don’t like being treated like a dummy. I also don’t like being treated with attitude by robots. These credit card machines now … very pushy and moody and I do not appreciate it. First they tell you to put your card in and then pull it right back out, but then they tell you to put it back in because “well it’s got a special chip.” I am aware of that … which is why I put it in in the first place!

Then it’s all “do not remove card …. Do NOT remove card” and one second later … BAMP BAMP BAMP BAMP … remove card … remove card … remove card!

You need not force yourself upon me and change your tone so quickly when I’m over here following your stupid instructions in the first place. This is how we’re going to become the robot slaves … they’re just conditioning us now with their little bells and whistles soon enough we’re not gonna even notice that we fully serve our machine overlords. It’s already too late!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

My Financial Ruin

Dear Diary …

I ain’t a rich man. So I don’t have a bunch of money laying around that I can waste and not worry about. Now don’t get me wrong, I ain’t poor. I’m fortunate to have what I have. But I tell you what … I’m eventually gonna end be poor after I’m done buying batteries for my kids’ toys.

Oh my God … everything needs a battery. Oh I’m sorry … batterIES … two, three, four, ten. And it’s not even size proportionate. My son has this little choo choo train … fits in the palm of your hand. Four batteries! The thing is the size of four batteries … so really it’s just a plastic train sitting over the top of FOUR batteries. And naturally, no matter how many batteries are in the toy, you know how long they last? Two seconds.

“Uh oh .. Thomas broken. Daddy you have battery?”

Diary … I counted … in a two week period, I put 22 batteries into kids’ toys. 22! Now I don’t know if you knew this or not, but batteries aren’t exactly cheap. I’m gonna go broke! And I’ll be penniless, and when you see me, sitting on the sidewalk … homeless … all dirty and wearing raggedy clothes … panhandling. You’ll say … what happened to you? Drugs? The war? Nope … batteries!

That and bubbles. Do your kids play with bubbles? Mine do. And they burn through those stupid containers. And by “burn through” I do mean “use a tiny bit and then spill the rest on the ground.”

“Daddy you have more bubbles?”

No Daddy doesn’t have more bubbles! Daddy’s gonna go broke gettin’ you bubbles.

Who knew soapy water cost so stinkin’ much?

This is why I drive a 17 year old car. I spend all my money on batteries and bubbles.

OK fine … moving on Diary … I don’t know if you knew this about me, but I don’t like being told what to do. I like to decide what to do. YOU don’t decide what I do. I do.

Like for example … These people who send you emails with uppity messages at the end of them “Please think before you print this message.”

Don’t you get all preachy with me, email … If I wanna print you, then I’m gonna print you.

And you know what? Now that you’re trying to tell me what to do, I’m DEFINITELY printing you. Twice. Don’t even need it, but you’re not gonna dictate to me what I can and can’t print.

I just dfon’t like going along with everybody else. You know what Diary … I might as well go on a gluten-free diet, cuz I’m against the grain, baby!

So the moral of the story here … if you want me to do something … you better either let me come up with it on my own, or at the very least, present in a way where you trick me into thinking it was my idea in the first place. That’s how my wife does it.

But if you tell me what to do? Nope … not doing it! Even if I wanna do it. Even if doing the opposite is going to negatively effect me. I’m doing it anyway!

Does it make sense? Nope. Do I care? NOPE!

Till next time Diary, I say goodbye.