Your Timing Is Terrible

Dear Diary …

I know we like to say, “Never say never,” but sometimes you CAN actually say “never” because I do believe that NEVER in the history of recorded time, has it ever been a good time when your phone, computer, or app wants to do an update.  Never not once!

Would you like to update your software right now?  No!  No I would not!

Shall I remind you in an hour?  No!  No you shall not!

Your timing is the worst.  And you wanna know why?  You only ask when I’m trying to use you!

Here’s a crazy idea … update when I’m NOT using you.  And yes, I know you can set auto updates, and I DO set auto updates, and yet here we still are, dealing with your questions.

That’s the problem … not everything is auto.  Here’s a crazy idea … 1am … when I’m not doing anything … update everything.

“But we need you to click OK on our 4,000 page user agreement”

Good lord … just steal my thumbprint and authorize it on my behalf!  You steal my privacy for everything else already, so why are we doing this song and dance on a giant document we all know darn well I ain’t gonna read anyway.  Just do the update!

Moving on Diary (speaking of bad timing) …Why does every kid on Earth pick the exact same time to make all of their most important and time consuming life decisions ?  Furthermore … we all know what “time” that actually is … Bedtime.

Every single kid wastes away their entire day … and then five minutes before bedtime …

“I think I need to do my entire science project.”

“Maybe I’ll clean the basement, too.”

I mean just SHOCKING that at the time you’re supposed to be going to bed, suddenly NOW you’re inspired to make all of your life’s decisions.  Perhaps you’d like to do your taxes?   Decide on which college you’d like to attend? Map out some solid mutual funds?  All two seconds before bedtime.

But God forbid you do anything at 3pm … that’s prime “iPad time wasting time” … can’t possibly do anything of value then!

And I’ll be honest … the main reason at play here is … I’M TIRED.  I wanna go to bed!  And is it so wrong of me to want like 15 minutes of grown-up, no kid time without you?  Nah … kids are much happier if they suck you dry of all your waking moments from the second your eyes pop open until the second you fall asleep.

And then on the weekends, when I can actually stay up a little later, I have my daughter coming downstairs … “When are you guys going to bed?”

Later!!  What’s it matter to you? Go to sleep!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

You’re Gettin’ Robbed

You’re Gettin’ Robbed

Dear Diary …

The world is full of thieves. People are constantly trying to steal stuff from you … money, personal information, your valuables. Now … a lot these thieves get caught, which is certainly a good thing. And yet … there is one group of thieves that is basically going unpunished, and this is just downright WRONG. Yeah … you know who you are … women and children!

“Oh no! There’s danger! Save the women and children first!”

Oh whatever! You mean “save the thieves first?” Because that’s actually what they are.

Thieves. Specifically “Charger Thieves.”

Men … you can be rest assured … if you have a phone charger and you aren’t guarding it with your life … it will eventually be stolen by some woman or child when they come across it.

In my kitchen we have two chargers. Chargers that are to be used for my kids’ iPads. And with those chargers comes one rule … leave these chargers right here and never take them anywhere else. Oh who am I kidding? There’s no rule. I may TRY to have that rule, but every time I go to that counter … ain’t no chargers there.

Where are the chargers?

“Oh it’s in my room so I could charge my iPad?”

Um … why aren’t you charging it here like you’re supposed to?

“I don’t know”

And where’s the other charger?

“Oh it’s in my car.”

Why aren’t you using your own charger?

“I don’t know.”

Thieves! The whole lot of ‘em. And it doesn’t stop there. They steal mine all the time too. Oh but yours was closer. So? Go get your own ya thief! Because the same thing happens every time … I can’t find the chargers and nobody seems to know where they are or what happened to them.

And if I had to guess … they’re probably in the same place as all those tupperware lids that seem to go missing and are never matched up to any of the containers in the drawer.

You’re a bunch of thieves and you know it!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Down With Healthy Snacks

Dear Diary …

Last week I made a declaration in the house … we … are going to have … more healthy snack options!

If I’m being honest, I may have just had a little bit of a hissy fit with the kids over their snacks, but I was sick of it. Dang kids will go thru a box Cheezits in a day … bag of Takis in like an hour.  Shoot we bought a bag of these peanut butter chocolate things … gone in less than 24 hours. 

I looked at the package … ten servings.  TEN!  And while I disagree with those dumb serving size suggestions, that’s still way too many.  Plus … I didn’t get none!  No fair!

So I made the decision … that … is IT.  When I go to the store this week I shall be purchasing … healthy snacks.  You don’t like it?  Too bad … you don’t buy or pay for the groceries … so eat a piece of celery and be quiet.

So Diary … I am here to report as we go thru our first week of healthy snack options … it stinks.  I hate it!!!  Man these snacks suck.  Handful of nuts … piece of celery … carrots … BOOOO!!! What am I?  Some kind of animal in a petting zoo? 

And I don’t care what anybody says … these snacks don’t fill you up.  They just leave you sad and unfulfilled … like eating soup for dinner and trying to claim it’s a meal.  [[Hey Monica!]]

And it is just dang disrespectful by God to create us … then create all these wonderful foods .. and then tell us not to eat ‘em and we’re gonna die and to go eat quinoa instead.  Quinoa is even spelled all stupid … how dare you do this to us!

Also … Diary … when it comes to delicious and unhealthy things … there is no bigger downer on earth then when that unhealthy treat isn’t as good as it should be.  I had a burger recently … cold.  Cheese wasn’t even melted. 

So now … here I am eating this underwhelming burger (and yes I ate it because it’s still better than kale) … but now I’m getting all the bad food calories … but none of the bad food enjoyment.  Again … BOOO!!!

And and one more thing God … yeah I’m talkin’ to you … cuz I know you’re listening right now …

Why are burgers like two bites less than they should be?  Every time I eat a wonderful and delicious burger, it’s always done and … mmm … I want like two more bites.  And not a second burger or a second patty or whatever … that’s too much.  Just two more bites.  Is that too much to ask??

And don’t tell me just to get another burger and only eat two bites of it, cuz you and I know that ain’t never gonna happen.  I’ll eat myself grossly full before I let that meat go to waste!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Two of Everything

Dear Diary …

Now I’m not one to get into religious arguments with … well … ANYBODY. I’m not sure why anyone thinks that’s a good idea. You believe whatever it is you wanna believe. I’ll believe whatever it is I wanna believe. And from there I don’t even wanna say, “We can agree to disagree,” cuz even that doesn’t happen. Instead let’s just … ignore.

However, I do have a bone to pick with the Bible … particularly this Noah dude and his Ark. And the whole story is fine, but I feel like I got him to blame for this “two of everything” problem I now have in modern times.

Let me tie this all together for you …

As you probably know … God told Noah to take two of everything and toss it on his Ark while he made it rain. Cool. Thanks Noah … you saved the day and zoos everywhere can show off some camels to everybody today.

But the problem is the youth of the world have taken this “two of everything” concept too far because now when I go into my pantry, it looks like the Noah’s Ark of open snacks. Open box of Cheezits here … hey look! … a second open box of Cheezits there. There’s two of everything open in here.

And when I ask the heathens … I mean children … I hear things like “I didn’t see it.” You didn’t see the open box? Right next to the other box????

Or this one … “Well that one was ALMOST empty.”

Yeah? Well then that means it was ALMOST time to open a second box, but IT WASN’T TIME YET !!!!

Look man .. I like eatin’ fresh slices of bread as much as anybody, but this is a good learning moment sometimes life hands you the butt end of the bread and you gotta make a butt sandwich out of it. So sit there and eat it! Put that in the Bible … that’s a life lesson!

Till next time Diary … I say goodbye.

New Clothes Season

New Clothes Season

Dear Diary …

Now that we’re all knee deep in Back to School I can say this … there is never a good time to wear new clothes. Especially as an adult.

We recently did a little outlet mall run for some Back to School shopping, but I of course did a little shoppin’ for myself to celebrate back to … uh … Tuesday or wherever. Look … when you go to the outlet malls sometimes you’re just legally obligated to buy certain things.

We went into Old Navy to look for some stuff for my son and there right in front of me was a pair of shorts … in my size … for $8. And maybe you don’t agree, but I believe you HAVE to buy $8 shorts when they are presented to you. That’s like practically free. For $8 they’re borderline disposable shorts that you could wear for a week and then throw in the garbage.

Anyway … I buy the $8 shorts and a pile of other stuff at a couple different stores and then I immediately face the dilemma … When do you actually wear this stuff?

The temptation is to just wear it the very next day. It’s new. You’re excited to have new stuff. It’s … CLEAN and you probably don’t wanna do laundry. But I always feel like the biggest dork in the world if I wear it the next day. To me, I feel no different than “Concert T-shirt Guy” who goes to a concert, buys a t-shirt at the merch counter, and then IMMEDIATELY puts it on and walks around. Yup … here at the concert … provin’ that I’m at the concert!

And when you have new clothes, the next day everybody you see makes you feel like a dork too … “Oh look at you! Somebody got new clothes!” Oh Lord.

But … if I wait … well then I feel stupid too. I got these new clothes I’m all excited about and they’re just sittin’ there while I wear some dumb polo that’s a couple years old. And I blame other people. One …. Because as we’ve all learned in society and social media … nobody actually blames THEMSELVES for anything. Blah! That’s just dumb! And two … it is everyone else’s fault because now they say, “Oh did you just get new clothes?”

Nah … I got ‘em a while back but this is my first time wearing them.

“First time?? What’s wrong with you??? What are you waitin’ for???”

And that brings up the real lesson of today … other people are annoying. They’re just the worst. Always around … doin’ stuff and talkin’ or just … you know … existing.

Now I of course don’t mean YOU, person listening to this right now. I mean OTHER people. Man I love that loophole. “Well you don’t mean ME right?”

NOOOO!!! Other people!!! Never you!!!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Your Fancy Sausage

Dear Diary …

I never want to be that guy that turns into the stereotypical Dad that stomps around the house yelling, “You kids today … you don’t understand the value of the dolla! You’re always wasting my money!” … That guy is lame.

At the same time, “You kids today … you don’t understand the value of the dolla! You’re always wasting my money!” … Now of course the difference is I’m doing it in this segment on the radio and online … hip, cool, NEW … stereotypical Dad. So … like … um … yeah!

But you know what? I still wear my pants in the normal spot on my waistline and I still know who Post Malone is, so ain’t totally lame … but a fact is a fact, and man a family sure can plow through money sometimes, can’t they?

The one the always gets me is there’s always something that’s ridiculously expensive, that EVERYBODY in the family houses and just wants more, more, more! For us, it’s these breakfast sausages. And I know what you’re thinking, “Breakfast sausages? Ain’t Jimmy Dean’s super cheap?”

Why yes … yes they are, but they don’t eat Jimmy Dean’s. They gotta have [fancy voice] Applegate Farms organic chicken and maple sausage … and those things cost six bucks for a box. And not a box of 300 sausages … a box of 10 … and those 10 are way closer to cocktail weenie size than they are to big ol’ sausage size.

So needless to say … the family plows thru a box about every four days. “Can you get more sausage at store?” Good lord I’m gonna need a raise just to keep the family full of sausages.

I mean … $6 every four days for an entire year. That’s 91 boxes a year for $547 … in SAUSAGE! I mean … If I bought $500 of Netflix stock 10 years ago … It would be worth $26,000, but instead … it’s SAUSAGE!!

Man why can’t they like the cheap stuff? Why do they have to be all, “We want good quality and things that are better for us.” Things were so much easier back in the day when we thought Kool-Aid had vitamins in it.

And you know what? Even when the stuff is cheap, that doesn’t really matter, because then they just waste it. My kids like to eat marshmallows sometimes for dessert. Now marshmallows … yeah … they’re a dollar. So I’m cool with that. But what I am not cool with is when they open a bag of marshmallows, get their little dessert, and then the next morning what do I find sitting in the pantry? An open bag of marshmallows … sucking in all of the air of the world and turning into hard little sugar rocks. Thanks a lot you little jerks!

But they don’t care, cuz it ain’t their money. That’s why everything they own, they break. Cuz you’re the dummy that has to replace it.

Well you know what? I am gonna hike my pants up to my nipples and waddle around complaining about this … and you can’t stop me! Then I’m going to shout “You kids today!” … and I’m gonna sit in my old Lazy Boy recliner … fart … and fall asleep with the news on whether you like it or not!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

You Can’t Defeat the Map


Dear Diary …

Now I will start by saying that I LOVE the technology we have to help map out your car trips … give you directions … let you know where the Po-po are hiding … all that stuff is great. That said, I got beef with the whole “estimated arrival time” because it’s one big fat hairy lie.

Man … back in the day when these map programs were suckier … it was great. The thing would tell you it was gonna take six hours to make your trip, and then you could put the pedal to the metal and make up like 45 minutes of time and totally get there way earlier. Now? This things are too dang precise and it is flippin’ impossible to get ahead of their estimated time. It just KNOWS. Even if I drive fast … it still somehow just KNOWS that I was gonna drive fast and had already factored that into the time.

So now the only thing it does is have you make WORSE time. If you stop to pee … forget it … now you’ve lost 10 minutes that you’ll never get back. Get gas? Yup. That’s another ten. And traffic? Yup … traffic is another lost cause.

And I take issue with the traffic one because the map robot should already know about the traffic … so why isn’t it factored into the time in the first place? You get my hopes up that I’m gonna be there in 20 minutes … next thing I know you’re adding another 20 minutes because traffic and I’m stuck in some sort of never ending loop of “estimated arrival time” sadness.

Again … the robot should already know about this delay … why is he tacking it on now to make me sad? I just wanna make good time … that’s the most important part of the road trip … even more important than whatever the heck you’re doing when you get there. If I don’t make good time, then the whole thing is a failure!

Moving on Diary … How is it that children manage to destroy themselves in such a short amount of time? I know it becomes cliche to dismiss a parent when they say, “But I only turned around for two seconds,” but that truly is all the time it takes for a child to ruin everything.

I recently had to take my son to an event at my daughter’s school … So we get out of the car and get ready to walk over. I turn my head for TWO SECONDS and I look back and my son is face down on the ground and his pants are ripped.

How does this happen do quickly? Actually … how does this happen AT ALL? I could throw myself on the ground a hundred times in a row and I’m pretty sure my pants would still not be ripped. Meanwhile we’re just trying to walk from a car to a stairwell and he looks I threw him in the lion’s cage at the circus.

Is it just the makeup of their DNA that a child sees you look away and instinctively they have the urge to just fling themselves off a table, or smash something on the ground, or whatever? “Oh … he’s not looking … DESTROY!”

And it’s the same lousy story every time … “I didn’t do ANYTHING!” Yeah, you’re right. You didn’t do anything. Must’ve been that Pants Monster again, attacking innocent children to feed off of pieces of their fabric. I’m sure that’s what happened.

Is it that hard to just stand there? Clearly it is.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Variety Pack Is Whack

Dear Diary …

They say “variety is the spice of life.” Well if that is the case, then I’m here to declare that I don’t want any spices. Now don’t get me wrong … I like variety for some stuff … different foods, different vacations, sleepin’ with random people … wait … what? Kidding!

But seriously … variety is fine for some things, but when it comes to those variety packs at the store. I hate ‘em. I want ‘em gone.

Diary … my son plays soccer. So as any parent knows if they have a kid in an activity, you gotta take turns being on snack duty. Cool. No problem.

So this week we were on snack duty, and I wanna get some little bags of chips for the kids, and darnit if every single one of the packs at the store is a cursed variety pack. This is a disaster!

“But why Zack? That just means the kids have all different ones to choose from.”

Oh yeah? You ever been anywhere where there just so happens to be exactly three kids that pick cool ranch Doritos, and exactly three that pick Sun Chips, and then four that pick plain potato chips? Yeah … I didn’t think so!

I’ll tell you what flavor kids want … whatever flavor you don’t have enough of. This is why children don’t get choices. Because the minute they do, they all fight over the same three bags of Cheetos.

And even if there aren’t other kids involved, the variety pack is useless at home too because there’s always some flavor none of your kids ever wants. (Plain Lays potato chips I’m looking at you.)

I mean … my kids want strawberry yogurt in those stupid little tubes. Strawberry. That’s it. But do they sell strawberry? Of course not! They packet it with something awful like strawberry-banana. Ugh.

Why are we pushing banana flavored anything on people? Nobody wants it … it’s gross … and it makes everything taste like tangy medicine. Somebody’s gettin’ kickbacks from the Chiquita banana people for sure.

I don’t want variety pack anything. Nor do I really want mixed variety anything. Think of a jar of nuts … what do you invariably end up with? A bunch of stupid plain peanuts and those big dumb Brazil nuts that suck all the moisture out of your mouth.

How did that Brazil nut ever make the cut for mixed nut consideration in the first place? We couldn’t find a better nut to put in there? You know … just because something is edible, doesn’t mean we HAVE to eat it.

Till next time Diary .. I say … Goodbye.

Zack’s Anger Diary: The Two Worst Phrases In the World

Dear Diary …

When it comes to raising my kids, there are two phrases I hate more than anything else … and they are “No I won’t” and “I didn’t mean to.”  And the main reason is because each time these phrases are used by my kids, it’s at a time when they have no clue what they are talking about in the first place.

Here’s a recent example of both …

The other day my daughter was roller skating in the house.  Yes Diary … that is correct … roller skating in the house.  So as you can already see … a terrible idea thought up by a child  who has no idea what they are talking about.  But really … what are you gonna do?  I try to police them as much as I can, but that gets EXHAUSTING by the end of the day, so fine … you win … roller skate in the house.  Just listen to me on this one thing … please do not roller skate in the kitchen.  You will fall.  You will hit your head on the hard tile floor. And you will hurt yourself.

“No I won’t!”

Well I know you won’t do it on purpose, but just trust me on this, you could fall and hurt yourself.

“No I won’t!”

Diary … I’ll give you one guess what happens next.

“OWWWW … MY HEAD!!!!”

I told you.

And yet somehow … they never learn that I might actually know what I’m talking about.

Fast forward to phrase two … My son decides he would like to eat a bowl of marshmallows and chocolate syrup on the coach.

(Again … I told you … I’m TIRED by the end of the day … and I’ve given up.)

So all I ask … Diary … is that he please eat them with a spoon so he won’t spill.  But does he listen to me?  Of course not … I’m a moron!

So he takes a fork, and the promptly drops a bunch of sticky, gooey, chocolately marshmallows into the crevices of my couch.

“But I didn’t mean to!”

Yes … I know it was not your plan to screw up, but maybe if you were a little more careful in the first place, WE WOULDN’T BE GOING THROUGH THIS RIGHT NOW!!!

And as you can see … these two phrases often go hand in hand.  I give helpful advice … they say “no I won’t” … they screw up … and then they say “I didn’t mean to!”

Kids … I’m gonna tell you something you’re probably not going to listen to, but I’m going to tell you anyway … Your parents … GASP … occasionally know what they’re talking about.

You’re nine years old (Or six or 14 or whatever) … you don’t know anything.  Heck … I’m 40 and I barely feel like I know anything.  But the point is … we’ve actually lived through some things and have already bashed our heads on the kitchen floor enough times that we’re just trying to prevent you from giving yourself a concussion from doing something stupid.

This is gonna hurt, but you  … might need to listen to us from time to time.

Or just go bash your head on the kitchen floor …but quit crying about it … your tears are annoying!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Three Bags o’ Bread


Dear Diary …

Every night of my life, I’m in a battle. So basically this is a non-stop war … Me vs. the sheet on my bed. Every single night when I go to bed, that sheet is where it’s supposed to be. And every single morning when I wake up, the stinkin’ corner of the sheet has been ripped out of the bed and my toes are sticking out. Every night!

It doesn’t matter how hard I yank that sheet and how deeply I stuff it down into that corner, that stupid thing is flappin’ all around come morning. And you would think it’s not that big a deal .. it’s fine if your toes are just touching blanket instead of sheet. But no … it’s not fine! It’s not fine on any level!!

I don’t know why it’s a big deal, but it just feels all weird and wrong on my feet and I’m not as comfortable if I have blanket toe instead of sheet toe.

What happens every single night to cause this? Am I flopping around the bed like some sort of fish out of water? Or is there a more devious plan at hand … some sort of sheet conspiracy between my bed and this evil evil sheet?

As you can imagine … I’m going with the conspiracy, cuz that’s way less my fault and way more me blaming the sinister forces of the evil sheet and it’s catastrophic plan to ruin my night’s sleep.

I don’t really have anything else to add … and I have no solutions to the problem either … so I’m just here complaining about it. What the heck goes on with our bodies in the middle of the night, and why are they so stupid and uncooperative?

OK … moving on Diary …

Speaking of wars … I’m in another one in my house … this time with the family. Yeah … as you can see I got a lot of battles going on, but that’s the price you pay when you’re doing it right and everybody else is doing it wrong.

And in this situation, I know without a shadow of a doubt, I’m in the right and everybody else is doing it wrong.

The rule at hand is simple … If you open a package of something … let’s say a loaf of bread. You eat that loaf of bread until it’s gone, then you start on a new package of bread. Right?

Well apparently not in my house, because right now I’m starting at THREE different loaves of bread. All the same brand … all the same kind … and all three of them are open. This is not how this is supposed to work!!!

My kids in particular drive me crazy with this. Every single time I bring a new package of something into the house, they wanna immediately open it before the current package is empty.

“Daddy I want the new milk.”

Absolutely not! This other milk is like two days old. It’s not as if I’m asking you to drink month old milk. You finish the open one first, then you move on!

But guess who listens to me? Yup … nobody.

Nobody listens. They never do. Sigh.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye