Category: Parenting

It’s Fall Already?

Dear Diary …

The seasons … they are a-changing. And you know how I can tell? Well it’s not that the leaves are changing color … cuz they aren’t. It’s not that there is a chill in the air … cuz it was 95 degrees over the weekend. And it’s not that the sun is setting early … cuz it’s still light out well into the evening.

Then how do I know that the seasons are a-changin’? Well I’m just guessing, because every store I drive by has a bunch of Halloween stuff for sale. So apparently it’s fall. 90 degree … bright green … sunny … fall.

Now look … I have come to accept as a fact of life that stores put this stuff out early. Halloween stuff goes out the day after Labor Day … and Christmas stuff will be EVERYWHERE the day after Halloween (and maybe even sooner). I don’t blame them. I blame you. You who buys the stuff the minute they put it out. It’s your fault. If nobody bought the stuff … they wouldn’t put it out so early. So I blame you. Don’t complain. You did this.

But here’s the one thing that I really don’t understand … pumpkins. And I mean real pumpkins … not you fake pumpkin people that have turned us all into a Pumpkin Spiced World already. Whatever … Not for me. But, it makes you happy and you love the stuff, so enjoy your fumpkin.

But REAL pumpkins … already for sale at the store. And I see that, and I wonder … “What idiot buys a real pumpkin the first week of September?” What are you gonna do with that thing? Cut it up for a Jack-o-Lantern? It was 90 degrees this weekend … all you’re gonna have is a saggy, wrinkled old man jack-o-lantern that smells like death and decay on your front stoop. Who wants death and decay by their front door? Not me!

And you ain’t gonna eat it … no normal human actually takes home a giant grocery store pumpkin and roasts it. So it’s just gonna sit there in your house, or in front of your house, going bad.

4 days ago … 4 days!!! I was at the beach … wearing suntan lotion and putting limes in beers. For the love … It’s not pumpkin time yet!

OK … moving on Diary …

As a parent, every day is an adventure. And life in general is all about balance … the kid, they don’t get EVERYTHING they want, but they get stuff. Some days are all about them. And other days there’s grownup time so Mommy and Daddy can act like real people.

My point is … I make the call. Daddy. Well Mommy too … but we’re in charge. And whatweI don’t need, is other people in our lives doing what I call “working the kid propaganda.” This is where they ask the kid directly if they wanna do something.

For example … my Mother is coming to town this week … and she’s always working the kid propaganda.

She’ll go to my daughter and say … “Hey Isabella … do you think we should go get ice cream tonight?”

What do you think she’s gonna say? She’s five. Of COURSE she’s going to say yes! And now I gotta deal with the fallout and take her for ice cream. How do you know she didn’t have a giant cupcake after lunch? (Because a lot of times she does) Now she’s gettin’ a big ol’ ice cream too just because you asked.

This is an actual conversation I overheard between my mother and my 5 year old … “Isabella … do you want to take a family trip to France some time with Gran?”

Surprise! You know what her answer was? Yes!

I ain’t takin’ her to France!

Stop trying to work the system thru the kid! You know darn well ifyou ask me, we ain’t going to France.

Kids will say yes to just about anything you ask them … and you know what else they do when the reality police … aka Mommy and Daddy have to be the actual parents and say no to things? They cry and whine.

So now I gotta deal with the crying and the whining because you caused this whole mess in the first place.

Don’t talk to them. They’re kids … they don’t know nothin’. Talk to me. I’m in charge!

Till next time Diary … I say, goodbye.

Single Dad Weekend

Dear Diary …

This past weekend Dad was in charge. That’s right … All by myself! Mommy went out of town with the girls to do whatever it is girls do when they’re together. You know … drink wine, splash each other while frolicking, make out … Oh sorry … That’s what they do on the internet. I have no idea what they do in real life.

Doesn’t really matter, cuz single Dad weekend was in full effect! Me vs. the two little monsters.

Here’s one thing I noticed during the weekend. This isn’t really anything new … I’ve noticed it in the past … but this weekend hammered it home as a confirmation.

And … I can apply this to all of you with more than one kid. I’ll do a little Psychic Parenting if you will … cuz right now I’m gonna correctly guess your kid’s favorite toy. I don’t care how many toys your kid has … I don’t care if their a boy or a girl. I know their favorite toy of them all … It’s whatever toy the other kid is currently playing with.

Cuz that’s the one they just HAVE to have.

Over the weekend, the kids are playing and my son goes rooting around in the toy box and pulls out some toy stethoscope. I’m pretty sure he even had to blow dust off the thing because nobody had used it in forever. Fast forward … oh I don’t know … 11 seconds into the future … and my daughter says “When am I gonna get a turn with that?”

Let me get this straight … I forgot we even owned the thing … you did too … but now that your brother is using it … now you want it? OK fine … you can use it when he’s done with it. Which of course when you say something sensible like that to a child … their rational response is …

“That will take FOREVER … and I don’t have ANYTHING to play with!” (Which she is saying as she is surrounded by toys.)

God knows how many of my paychecks were laying around that living room … but “I don’t have ANYTHING! because I don’t have that dusty old stethoscope my brother is currently sticking in his mouth.”

That’s another thing … kid drama is so ridiculous.

My daughter … she’s 5 years old … and she is ALL girl. Pink things. Barbie dolls. A closet full of dress up dresses. And the wands. I’ve never seen a kid with so many magic wands. But she likes to do magic princess things … so she has many magic princess wands.

My son on the other hand … he likes to smash things.

So he gets his hands on a magic princess wand. Smash! No more wand.

Now … yes … not an ideal situation to have yourself a broken toy. But keep in mind that my daughter has 4 more wands in her arsenal all ready to do whatever magic princess spells she needs. So she can be calm, cool, and collected about this whole thing … right? NOOOOOO!!

“My WAAAANNNNNDDDDDD!!!!!! MY WAND IS BROKEN!!!! Now I don’t have ANY wands!!!! WAHHHHH!!!!!”

OK, maybe I’m not as compassionate a Dad as I should be, but my response was, “Don’t you have like 4 other wands that you can use?”

“But none of them will ever be as awesome as THAT wand!!! WAHHHH!!!!!!”

So in the face of this travesty, I did what any strong parent who wants to raise their children with a foundation of values and sense appreciation would do … we went to the store and I bought another wand so she would stop crying.

OK fine … maybe the real moral of this story is that being a parent is all about being a hypocrite! Yeah in fantasy land they never watch TV, and they love each other, and they happily play with an old boot as their only toy. But in the real world Mommy and Daddy worked all day and we’re tired and we want some peace and quiet so go watch Disney Channel for a couple hours and enjoy your brand new magic princess wand. Big whoop!

You think you’re better than me? Then you come watch ’em!

Till next time Diary … I say, goodbye.

Kids and Dogs Hate Sleep / Pinterest Is a Liar

Dear Diary …

So answer me this … And this is probably one of life’s biggest mysteries … Why do children and dogs hate sleep? Oh and not THEIR sleep … they get plenty of that. They just hate YOUR sleep. Especially on Saturday and Sunday mornings.

Why do they do this to us?

Their loyal, giving parents who spend all week bustin’ their hump for the man to pick up a not big enough paycheck, and to keep them flush with their Barbies and their Milk Bones and their Frozen soundtracks. The week finally ends, and all we wanna do is sleep until … oh I don’t know … all the way until 8 am. Oooooh … sleepin’ in!

But noooo … apparently that is an unreasonable request.

One of my dogs throws up EVERY Saturday morning at 6:30. Doesn’t throw up during the week. Doesn’t throw up any other time of day. Just Saturday. Every Saturday. And just at 6:30am.

And the 6:30 vomit alarm? Oh well you’re lucky if you make it that far, because half the time my son is already awake and just in his crib, yelling …

“Momma!” “Momma!”

And guess what he does on weekdays? Sleeps! My wife has to wake his butt up to get him ready for school.

But Saturday?

“Daaaaaaady!” “Daaaaaaaady”

The one silver lining to all of this is that it finally answers that question I always asked myself when I was 16 years old and I wanted to sleep till noon … “Aw, ow come my Mom is vacuuming at 8:30 in the morning? She knows I’m trying to sleep!” Yeah she knows … which is exactly why she was vacuuming. I stole her sleep … and I she was just returning the favor. And I will be doing the exact same thing to my children.

OK … moving on Diary …

Let me pass on a warning to all of you about something that tries to pose as helpful, but is actually evil. Pinterest. Oh Pinterest tries to be your friend …

“Hey look at me … I’m all beautiful looking and fun to use!”

It’s a liar. Don’t listen to it.

Now … If you’re unfamiliar with Pinterest … It’s a website where women post pictures of arts and crafts projects that they’re never actually going to do, but always tag them with things like “Totally going to do this.”

That’s half of Pinterest. And then the other half is a place where people post terrible recipes and trick you into making them by making the pictures look pretty.

And there’s my warning .. never trust Pinterest recipes. 99% of them stink. And even with that percentage, I am still the idiot that goes diving back in for more all the time.

Hey that looks good!

Well it isn’t.

Like the last one I made … some casserole. I don’t even remember exactly what. Doesn’t matter. Point is, when it was done it was a flavorless, watery mess. And even as I’m making it, I’m thinking “Sure does seem like a lot of liquid.”

Well sure enough … it was.

Do these people actually make these recipes? Or is it that their standards just set much much lower than mine when it comes to good food?

Cuz everything is always “the BEST cassserole EVER!” or “BEST crockpot meal” or whatever. I mean … opinions are often relative … So maybe they’ve just never eaten good food before … so them it actually is the best casserole they’ve ever had?

I dunno. Point is. Don’t trust your friend Pinterest. He’s like that bad boy you dated. He’s all cute on the outside, but he’s a big liar on the inside that will break your heart and make your tummy hurt.

That’s your bad boy Pinterest. Be warned!

Till next time Diary … I say, goodbye.

Close Your Mouth Hole

 

Dear Diary …

I’m here to help.

Now I know sometimes you might think … “Oh this Diary is just one angry little man ranting about things,” but that’s not the case at all.

Yes I’m angry. And yes I’m ranting about things. And yes … I’m kinda little … but that’s not the core of the Anger Diary. I core is that I’m here to help.

I want to make the world a better place. And lucky for me, I’ve got the knowledge … it’s just a process of getting you to listen to it. I’m just trying to help you during those times where you’re doing it wrong, and I have the right answer.

OK … modesty might not be my strong suit … whatever. But in all seriousness, sometimes I have good advice. Like this … Shut your mouth.

Now I don’t mean … you be quiet … you shut up. That’s not productive. I mean you need to actually … physically … close your mouth hole as you’re walking through life. Because when you’re standing there … just with your mouth open … I gotta be completely honest … you do NOT look like somebody who’s setting themselves up for success.

You don’t believe me? Go to a mirror right now … open your mouth … and then look at yourself.

“Heeeyyyy … Hi.”

Close your mouth? Normal.

Open?

“Mahhhhhhhh … bug catchin’ mouth … Mahhhhhh”

I’ll freely admit … knowing nothing about a person … I will judge them … probably unfairly … just because they’re walking around with their mouth open. Think about it … If you interviewed two people for a job … and EVERYTHING was identical about the two people, except for the fact that one sat there with his mouth open the entire interview … who would you hire? Closed mouth guy … exactly!

And I wanna stop this. I wanna give you that chance. I want you to get that job … so take my advice and shut it!

OK … moving on Diary …

As a parent, you want your kids to look up to you. And to a point, you even want them to see you as super-human. That said … you don’t want it to go to the point like my children, who apparently think I’m a magician and they can just have anything they want, exactly when they want it, without any advanced notice.

My daughter just yesterday … I’m in the kitchen making dinner …

“Is dinner ready yet?”

“No. I’m making it right now.”

“But I’m hungry NOW!!!!”

That’s great, but it ain’t ready. It’s not like I can wave my magic wand and … poof … cheeseburger. You have to be patient.

And my daughter … she fights it. And she fights with no logic, because her arguments make no sense. When she whines that she’s hungry and I tell her I’m making it as fast as I can and it’ll be done soon. Her response to me last night?

“Well that’ll take a mile and a half to be ready.”

Huh?  Mile and a half?

How do you come back from that? What unit of measurement do I even argue in to prove my point?

I’ll tell you want the point is … I ain’t no David Copperfield. Cuz if I was, I’d be making myself disappear and then reappear on a beach in Puerto Rico while somebody else made you dinner in the first place you ingrate!
Till next time Diary … I say goodbye.

Jerky Kids’ TV Shows

 

Dear Diary …

Today I would like to officially lodge my complaint with kids’ television shows. And no, I refuse to sound like grumpy old coot that’s going to say things like “The kids today watch crap. In my day, the TV shows were way better.”

No. I’m not gonna say that, because I know my shows, in my day, were crap too. Don’t agree with me? Go back and watch the Smurfs. It’s rubbish.

So it’s fine … I don’t expect the kids’ TV shows today to be any good. But what I do expect is for these shows to at least try to teach kids something positive. And if they aren’t going to do that … then at the very least I want them to do nothing … because nothing would still better than teaching them bad behavior. Unfortunately, too many of these shows teach them to be naughty.

Take the other day … my kids are watching Dora the Explorer. And you’re probably thinking, “Oh but that’s a good show because kids learn Spanish and also coping skills with how to deal when you hear the same song repeated over and over and over again like “I’m the map I’m the map, I’m the map.”

“I’m the map!””

OK great … you’re the map. I get it. Shhhh!

Anyway … their little lessons are all well and good, but this Swiper character who everything that’s wrong in this world.

Now Diary … if you don’t know Swiper … and you are SO much luckier than me if you don’t … He’s the jerky little fox that tries to steal everything in every episode.

Like the one that the kids are watching … there’s these two trolls getting ready for their wedding. And Swiper … he tries to swipe the bride’s bouquet. Oh no no no … don’t be messing with the bride on her big day. So they catch him, and they do their whole

“Swiper no swiping!” And he goes “Oh man!” And he’s caught red handed. And then what do they say?

“See you at the wedding party Swiper!”

NOOO!!

He tried to steal the bouquet … he doesn’t get to go to the party! How’s he ever gonna learn to stop being such a jerk? You’re totally enabling him.

Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is the same thing … Sneaky Pete is constantly trying to screw over the Clubhouse gang. And what do they do? Invite him to every party, every sleepover. I mean … the guy tried to charge a toll to Santa in the Choo Choo Express episode. Dude tries to fleece Santa Claus … and what does he get? Presents for Christmas!

And you wonder why kids today behave terribly? They learn it from their little cartoon Gods. Hey kids … Act awful and hopefully you’ll get away with it … but even if you don’t … well your stupid friends will still let you hang out with them and you take advantage of them again next time.

You think Grand Theft Auto is the problem? Nope. Dora. She’s the one snowing all of us. Evil little hoochie.
Till next time Diary … I say, goodbye.

 

Where’s My Stinkin’ Dot?

Dear Diary …

OK … now I know I’ve harped on this before, but this time I feel like we have a month until Father’s Day, which is plenty of time to get it right. And here’s the issue …

So Sunday was Mother’s Day. Now … I got my wife, got my mother, and they’re just being showered in all things Momma. We got cards, we got gifts, my neighbor and I planned this whole elaborate dinner get together where the Moms could all just sit and enjoy while we did all the work.

And on top of that, even though all of those other things were happening, the day before Mother’s Day my women are all … “Well aren’t we going to have Mother’s Day breakfast?” <sigh> OK … So I’m making pancakes, and eggs, and bacon … and of course … can’t ask Mom to do dishes on her day, so I’m doing those too.

And let me be clear … I’m not complaining. I don’t mind doing all of it. I’m just setting the scene of the elaborate display that was going down on Mother’s Day for what happens next.

At dinner time, I’m talking with my neighbor … another Dad … and we’re just talking about Father’s Day and how it’ll be right around the corner, and what we might wanna do. But … off the top of our heads, we didn’t know the exact date for Father’s Day this year. So I pull out my phone … open the calendar … and this is what happens …

You know how when you look on a calendar, they’ll be little dots on certain days? And these dots, that’s the calendar’s way of saying “Hey heads up, this is a special day!” You click on that dot and it tells you what the day is. Christmas, of course, has a dot. Thanksgiving has a dot. Mother’s Day has a dot.

So I go to June … no dot! No mention of Father’s Day anywhere! Oh and I take it back … June does have a dot … Flag Day. Father’s Day ain’t got no dot, but Flag Day … oh yeah … that has a stinkin’ dot on it. What do you even do on Flag Day? What the heck is this?

It got me all furious at my phone … how dare you not put a dot on Father’s Day? And you wonder why we leave!

OK … maybe that’s a LITTLE extreme, but it is kinda the reality that we men are just sloughed off as way less important members of the household. Nobody wants to feel less important, especially borderline wild animals like us dudes.

And I know … you carried the baby for nine months. You went thru 937 hours of labor. Blah blah blah. I’m not discounting any of those things. But … when you went thru all of those things, who was there for you? Us dudes! And let’s be honest with each other here for a second … you were kinda hard to get along with during those times, and we were still there for you.

And now … when you want mulch … who puts down the mulch? Dad. Who has to go plunge the toilet when it’s clogged? Dad! (True, we may have been the source of said clog, but not the point! We unclog your clogs too).

Point is … we may not be as glorious as the all-powerful magnificent piles of estrogen that you are, but we’re not lousy either. So here you go … Father’s Day is June 15th. There’s no dot on that day, but that’s when it is. You have one month … start planning … cuz if for nothing other than just this one year … we want all the same over the top barf that you get on Mother’s Day for Father’s Day. Since you ladies are so freakin’ awesome, I’m confident that you can make this happen. Thank you in advance.
Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.