Rules and Laws – Angry Zack's Anger Diary

Don’t Respect Your Elders

Dear Diary …

You know how they always say things like “Respect Your Elders” and “Honor thy Forefathers?” Well I gotta tell ya … I’m not so sure. I mean yeah … we can respect previous generations. Absolutely. We should respect EVERY generation. Even those no good rotten Millennials deserve respect!

And really I kid about that. Millennials get a bad rap … “Oh they’re just a lazy generation that’s young and dumb and doesn’t wanna work.” That is EVERY generation when they’re young. Cuz when you’re young … you’re dumb … and you don’t wanna work! I promise you there were 16 year olds in the Greatest Generation that were all, “Maaaaa … I don’t wanna go work in the fields. I’m just gonna sit here and look at the box of sticks I use as toys.” Every generation is lazy when they’re young … it’s part of being young.

Oh and by the way … to all of you that keep posting that dumb thread about “it’s a fact that my generation was the last one to play outside and we didn’t have a phone in our hands all the time.” Oh please! I’m in that generation, and you know what we loved, watching tons of TV, playing video games, and talking on the phone until our parents yanked the cord out of the wall. Not to mention the fact that you probably posted that status on your Facebook page FROM YOUR PHONE and then sat there all day hittin’ refresh to see how many likes it got.

OK … but I’m getting sidetracked here. “Respect Your Elders” … why?

Sure … they did some things, but you ever tried to get plumbing and electrical fixed in your house when it was built by one of these old coot generations? What was wrong with these people? It was as if their goal was to make sure all plumbing and electrical was done in a way that it was impossible to get to later if you needed to fix it, and everything was installed at an angle that no tool can actually reach.

Why I gotta respect these people that treated the inner workings of my house like it was a funhouse maze that some poor future generation … i.e. ME … had to figure out? See? This is what happens when people don’t have video games. They treat the homebuilding process like it’s a video game and they’re hidin’ Easter eggs all throughout the walls.

“Respect Your Elders” … FAHHH! And don’t even get me started on the Forefathers. I don’t know why people get so uptight about the Constitution. Yeah … it’s got some important stuff in there, but it was also written 250 years ago. I don’t even trust a cookbook that was written in 1987, so why am I gonna trust a document that was written during a time where guys thought it was cool to wear wigs and have wooden teeth? That’s like taking your investment advice from that weird man that sits on the bench outside the post office.

You wanna do that? Good luck! I’m all for learning from older generations, but let’s also not forget these are the people that thought you should put leeches on your body when you didn’t feel good.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Are We Shakin’ or Not?

Dear Diary …

OK … we’re going to have to come to an official decision here. Back in the day we used to shake hands. And when I say “back in the day,” I of course mean “before COVID.”

When COVID happened, the handshake was pretty much the first thing to go bye bye (unless you were some weirdo doing to whole “I’m French so let me kiss you on each cheek” thing … that was RIP #1). And it’s fine that the handshake went away too … I totally get it. We were wicked scared of COVID, so we didn’t do it any more.

But now here we are a couple years later, and yes I know we can still sit here and say “COVID is serious, we need to take it as seriously as ever,” and that’s fine too, but we’re also definitely not wicked scared of it anymore.

So I gotta ask … are we shaking hands or not?

I really don’t care either way, but what I’m sick of is the awkward “handshake/fist bump/which one you going in for and am I gonna be able to guess right and not have it be weird?” … that thingamabobber we got going on right now. I hate it! It’s like playing the Rock, Paper, Scissors Grown Up Greeting Version.

One … two … three … shoot!

Ahh … you threw “fist bump” my bad!

And I’m totally fine with just banning the handshake forever. Too many times it’s all jacked up anyway because you get a bad grab, or you mess up trying to figure out how hard you shake the hand of somebody of the opposite sex, or … you know … COVID. So can we just agree on it, make an official decision, and move on?

Also … can we just agree … that while it WAS a good idea at the time, we don’t really need all of these curbside pickup parking spaces anymore?

At the grocery store? Sure.

But we don’t need three designated curbside pickup spots at the liquor store anymore. I ain’t seen a single human use those things in months, outside of me of course because I’m just parking in them now. Whatchoo gonna do about it? Tow me?

The other ones that are ridiculous are the ones taking away parking spaces on city streets. Nobody needs those anymore!

And as somebody who knows the restaurant industry, I can promise you right now that 99% of restaurants don’t even wanna deal with curbside pickup anymore. They’re already short handed INSIDE, they don’t need to try to run food outside to some random person. And be honest … anybody using that service right now ain’t doing it because they tested positive for COVID, they’re doing it because they tested positive for “lazy.”

It was a perfectly good idea in the moment, but it’s time to move on.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Screw the Supply Chain

Dear Diary …

I hate excuses. It’s just such a wimpy way to wander thru life. Just accept responsibility for whatever happens and move on. Is that really THAT hard to do? Apparently it is, because we LOVE excuses, especially when we could find big blanket ones that all of society could lean on.

Remember when bullying became the big excuse for everything? Now don’t get me wrong, actual bullying is wrong and needs to be dealt with, but we started using the term “bullying” for everything. All of a sudden you were free to screw up, and if anybody called you out on it …

“They’re bullying me!”

No. You screwed up. All they did was point out that you screwed up.

“But it hurt my feelings. Bullying!”

Yeah … see … that’s what I’m talking about. Or like when everybody started using “COVID” for just about any excuse you wanted. Wanna flake out on plans? COVID. Wanna just not show up to work? COVID. Cheat on your wife? Uhhh …. COVID?

But here’s the one we’re in right now and I am straight up over it … “Supply Chain.”

We use “supply chain” for pretty much any excuse we want.

Why is a loaf of bread $5? “Uhhh … supply chain.”

And why is this shelf empty? “Oh you know … supply chain.”

No! No more supply chain. I get it … just like the bullying thing … there are times where it is the legitimate explanation, but we’re just using it as an excuse to get out of things.

Like let me give the grocery store a heads up right now … when Thanksgiving week gets here again … people are gonna buy more heavy cream, more butter, and more herbs. There! You have ONE YEAR to prepare because I guarantee you that next year people are gonna … again … buy more heavy cream, more butter, and more herbs. This will NOT sneak up on you!

And this is not a post-COVID thing … I remember VERY well that back in 2019 the same shelves were bare. This should not happen! You run a business right? And the goal of your business is to make money, right?

I mean … I’m no Jeff Bezos but if I own a business that sells heavy cream, butter, and herbs … I’m gonna make sure to have plenty of those things available when people wanna buy them so I can MAKE MORE MONEY.

Look at me … giving sage business advice! (Sage .. I should use that … it’s an herb.) Maybe I’ll write a book or something!

So don’t you “supply chain” me anymore. Look … just tell the truth … we don’t really wanna work harder so you’re just gonna get what you get and then we go home for the day. I respect that answer more already!

Till next time Diary … I say .. Goodbye.

The Anger Diary That Never Happened

Dear Diary …

I’ve been writing in this Anger Diary for a long long time … and I’ve always had one problem pretty much since I started. And no, that problem isn’t me worrying about having something to write about. Fortunately for me (and unfortunately for the world), there’s always dumb people doing dumb things. So there’s pretty much always something to put in the Anger Diary.

The problem is … people and their “feelings.” There’s all sorts of things I totally want to write about, but I can’t, because the person I wanna call out in the Diary is too sensitive, or is gonna get all butt hurt, or they’re 9 years old and apparently it’s “mean” to put a child on blast in public. Ugh … fine! I won’t do it … but just know that you are totally ruining the enjoyment of everyone else!

Like right now … I have this GREAT Anger Diary I want to write that’s all about [mumbles] and the [mumble mumble] that they did the other day. But I can’t do it because then they’re gonna hear it and be all, “What? Why would you say that about me?”

And then I would have to lie and be all, “Oh no … it’s not true. I was just making that up for the Anger Diary!” When in fact it was TOTALLY true, and now you’re just making me be a liar to preserve your feelings.

That’s the thing man, we’re too sensitive now and I don’t like it. And it’s not that I think we should be mean to each other for no good reason, but if you are a dummy and you’re acting a fool, why can’t I let you know that? You’d think people would WANT to be told that they were doing something stupid so they would stop doing it, but noooooo … now you make one co-worker or kindergartener cry and YOU’RE the bad guy.

Sheesh!

So yeah … this is the Anger Diary today … talking about how there’s something I WANT to talk about, but not actually telling you what it is. Feel unfulfilled? Feel ripped off? Well that’s YOUR fault, cuz you’re “feelings” are the thing that prevented this from happening.

And now I’m totally still gonna have to lie because everybody I know is now gonna say “so who was it that you wanted to talk about … was it me?” Nooo … of course not … it was totally somebody else.

(It was you.)

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

I Ain’t No Dummy

Dear Diary …

I’m a big boy. I can handle it. We’re in a stupid recession right now. And whether it’s “officially” a recession or whatever, the fact is that things are stinkier right now vs. when they are more awesome. (See … that’s the scientific definition.)

Reality is … markets are down, pennies are being pinched, and stuff is more expensive. And that’s fine … OK it’s not “fine,” but it’s the reality … so at the very least can I ask you not insult my intelligence about all of this?

Like go to the grocery store … these paper towel people have got some nerve. Now … you go to buy what you think is the “big” pack of paper towels because it’s got FOUR rolls ALL the way across the package … and then … nothin’. Ain’t no back part to this. Used to be a back part to this. And it used to be just two or three in the front … but there was a back part.

So now they’re over here treatin’ us like dummies because there’s LESS rolls, but they just make the packaging longer. Hey stupid consumer … look how long this is! You’re excited to buy it! Oh … and it costs as much as when there was a back part … there just ain’t no back part anymore!

And let me just add … when they say this garbage about “double roll … TRIPLE roll!” … in comparison to what???? Cuz it ain’t in comparison to a normal roll. So yeah it’s twice as much as some weird baby roll that you bought on the internet during COVID, but that’s about it.

I understand in many different industries why the price has been forced upward because of their rising costs behind the scenes as well as lost income during the pandemic, but I remember the pandemic … and you know who didn’t have any problem making money? Paper towel and toilet paper people!!!

I don’t like being treated like a dummy. I also don’t like being treated with attitude by robots. These credit card machines now … very pushy and moody and I do not appreciate it. First they tell you to put your card in and then pull it right back out, but then they tell you to put it back in because “well it’s got a special chip.” I am aware of that … which is why I put it in in the first place!

Then it’s all “do not remove card …. Do NOT remove card” and one second later … BAMP BAMP BAMP BAMP … remove card … remove card … remove card!

You need not force yourself upon me and change your tone so quickly when I’m over here following your stupid instructions in the first place. This is how we’re going to become the robot slaves … they’re just conditioning us now with their little bells and whistles soon enough we’re not gonna even notice that we fully serve our machine overlords. It’s already too late!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Don’t Nanny State Me

Dear Diary …

I am a responsible person. I do the right thing. I take the right precautions. I’m cool with that.

BUT … I don’t wanna be told to do those things.

I don’t need big businesses and the government “Nanny State-ing” me and always telling me what to do. Oh and I know they’ll be all, “We just want you to be safe because we love you so much.” Bull pucky!

Like for example … I wear my seatbelt. I wanna be safe in the car and in case I get in an accident, I wanna be protected. Heck, I’ve BEEN in an accident, so I definitely wanna have my seatbelt on. But what I don’t need is this …

{ALARM SOUND}

This is the alarm … in my car when you don’t wear your seatbelt.

And it just keeps getting faster … and louder … and more annoying … and does … not … STOP!!!

OK it does actually stop … but only after five minutes of that torture (I sat thru it to find out).

So here’s the thing … I wear my seat belt … I think everybody should wear their seat belt … but that alarm makes me NOT WANT TO WEAR MY SEATBELT simply because I don’t wanna be told what to do by some stupid alarm.

Cuz here’s the thing … you don’t wanna wear your seatbelt? Fine. I don’t really care. It doesn’t change my day … but neither of us should have to deal with ding-dong the annoying robot alarm simply because a car manufacturer is trying to cover their own butt if you get in an accident, “Well we have an alarm so they wear it!”

Don’t Nanny State me!

My car also does this … if you’re driving for an extended period of time … like I went to South Carolina a couple weeks ago … this little bell goes off and then on the console it says, “Would you like to take a break?”

No I would not like to take a break. I am trying to get somewhere and make good time. Do you not understand the importance of making good time? I’m not tooling along the road … wandering aimlessly and looking to stop at a lovely country store that I drive past. Leave me alone!

There’s no need for these warnings because there’s already two kinds of people in the world … the responsible ones and the irresponsible ones. The responsible ones are already doing the responsible things. And the irresponsible ones? They’re NEVER gonna listen and I’m sorry to be cold here … but shouldn’t we lose a few of them along the way to make all of our lives easier anyway? Why we going out of our way to protect the stupid? Unnecessary!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Merry Christmas!

Dear Diary …

OK everyone … don’t freak out. Don’t go crazy. Don’t get all mad. But I am here to tell you … Merry Christmas!

OK OK … it’s not exactly that, but I am here to talk you off the ledge when you go to the store this week and you see … GASP … Christmas stuff for sale! Oh heavens to Betsy!

What I need you to do is resist the temptation to get all mad and immediately take a picture and run to your social media and post it and say “I can’t believe they already have Christmas stuff out at the store! It’s too early!”

Alright … just stop. Let it go.

Cuz here’s the deal … it’s not too early.

Yeah … it’s too early to put your tree up or start decorating your yard, but it’s not too early to start buying stuff. Why? Because it’s never too early to buy stuff. Because when you want stuff … just buy it!

Ain’t nobody freaking out in February when they’re selling shorts at the Gap. “I can’t believe they’re already selling shorts! It’s not even spring!”

Look … they put it out there because sometimes you wanna buy shorts in February and sometimes you wanna buy Christmas stuff in September. They got winter coats for sale right now. Ain’t nobody lighting torches and marching the streets in protest over that.

You don’t wanna buy Christmas stuff right now? Fine. Don’t. But maybe somebody else does.

I just bought a refrigerator over the weekend. So now I have no need to shop for one for hopefully a REALLY long time. But I’m not mad if they’re still out there for somebody else to buy. The universe doesn’t revolve around just you. Some people wanna get that stuff out of the way … or maybe they’re excited for the holidays. Who really cares the reason? If that’s not for you .. then don’t bother.

I think pumpkin spice is nasty. But … some basic person with their autumn knit cap on is super excited about it. Great! Have at it!

There’s Christmas-themed stores that are open year round. And if you don’t like it … then don’t go there. Nobody’s forcing you. Do your own thing and move on!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Bring Baby Powder

Dear Diary …

I like to think I provide halfway decent advice. At the very least, I hope somebody out there at least realizes that they’re doing something dumb and stops doing it after I point it out. (Though you know how it is with dumb people … they dumb.) It’s like a wise man once said … “If you can change just one idiot’s ways, you’ve done your job.” Or maybe it was Oprah. Or maybe I read it on a shirt in Myrtle Beach.

Anyway … I’m here to help. So today I’ve got some helpful pieces of life advice.

Life advice #1: Bring Baby Powder

This is one that must evolve as you get older, because when I was a kid this issue never came up, but now? Man there’s chafing. I don’t know when that butt to sweat to pant ratio changes, but boy does it change! I just got back from this big ol’ food festival, and let me tell you right now, if I didn’t have my trustly bottle of baby powder on me at all times, you’d probably find my red and irritated corpse laying on the streets of Greenville, South Carolina.

Any when I was at FloydFest? Oh you can forget about it. They might as well change the name of that whole festival to Chafe-O-Rama. And if Johnson and Johnson ain’t a sponsor of that thing, it should be. At the very least, I’m gonna buy me a bunch of those little travel size bottles of baby powder, set up a booth, and then sell them for $500 each as the night goes on. Heck at one point I woulda paid twice that, and I HAD my own supply!

Life advice #2: Don’t Talk to Me

Here’s where we go back to the whole, “change just one idiot’s mind” thing from earlier. If you don’t know me, and we’re around each other, resist the temptation to speak to me. Now I don’t mean ALL talking. You wanna tell me my shoes are cool or my face looks awesome? Go for it!

I’m more talking about if you’ve got some sort of complaint or general whininess going on … I don’t want to hear about it.

If we are both standing in a line. And it’s long. I’m aware that it’s long. I don’t need you to start telling me, “boy this line is long!” Then go into your whole rant about how there aren’t enough registers open or nobody wants to work or whatever other “angry AM radio agenda” you have on your mind. I don’t care! Nobody cares! Don’t talk!

I know exactly what this is … this is a person who’s already worn out everybody in their life. Friends don’t call them anymore. Family ignores them. So now they’re just looking for someone … ANYONE … to listen to their boring topics. This is why Facebook is the billion dollar company that it is … they tapped into these noodnicks and gave them a platform to complain about the line for the WHOLE world to hear. Thanks Zuckerberg!

Till next Time Diary .. I say … Goodbye

Eat Drink and Sit

Dear Diary …

I enjoy me a beach vacation. Granted … sand is kinda just … awful and sandy … but it’s all part of the experience. The sun … the surf … the smell of the ocean air … I’m cool with all that. However, there is one thing that is totally ruining the beach going experience. And it doesn’t even have to be a thing.

I mean I don’t know about you, but I go to the beach to eat, drink, and sit. That’s what you’re supposed to do, right? It’s a time to leave everyday hassles behind and just enjoy a different life for a couple days. Which is why I don’t need you people who are doing all kinds of exercisin’ at the beach. What is wrong with you? I thought the whole point was to get AWAY from everyday life? I mean do you go inside and open your mail and pay bills while you’re at it?

I was just at the beach recently and in the morning I’m on my way to the store … and to be clear I’m on my way to the store because I have leftover mac and cheese and pulled pork BBQ and I need to buy tortillas so I can make awesomely ooey gooey BBQ pork and mac and cheese quesadillas. And beer. Needed more beer.

So what I don’t need is to look up and see some guy standing on the deck of his beach house doing all sorts of exercises. He’s got those rubber band tension band thingies and he’s just standing there with his arms pushed all the way out … and just holdin’ it. Not to mention he’s dressed like a fluorescent green traffic cone so he’s REALLY going out of his way to be all, “Look at ME! I’m exercising at the BEACH!”

Alright look here Mr. Universe … you’re not better than me just because you’re still “gettin’ a workout in” while you’re on vacation. Truth is you’re probably better than me for a lot of reasons because I’m awful … but this isn’t one of them!!!

And for as bad as that person in, the people who go running on the actual beach are even worse. Because now I’m sittin’ there doing my … you know … eat drink and sit like I’m supposed to go … I got them all right in front of me runnin’ around with their little fanny pack water bottles … keep looking at their watch like they’re timing themselves for a race or something.

Get outta here with this! I don’t come to the gym and sit down next to you and eat a pizza because that’s your “workout zone.” So I don’t need to see you doing a bunch of lunges here in the “eat drink and sit zone.”

C’mon people! Somtimes it’s OK to just … be BAD and have some fun. Stupid work and chores and the gym will be there when you get back. Eat drink and sit!!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

The Parking Lot Waltz

Dear Diary …

I don’t mind a little singin’ and dancin’ … granted I can’t even figure out how to properly Floss, but if you can pull it off … more power to ya. That said … there’s a time and a place for singin’ and dancin’ … especially dancin’ … and that place is NOT the parking lot at the grocery store.

And I know what you’re thinking … “Who’s twerking in the parking lot at the grocery store?” First of all … nobody. Second … that one I’d probably be OK with … because what I’m not OK with is the parking lot waltz.

You know the parking lot waltz … even if you don’t think you do.

It’s when you’re trying to drive to a parking space, and the person walking in front of your car in your way is [[music]] … doing a long … slow … diagonal waltz thru the parking lot. Not a care in the world. And clearly not in a hurry to get anywhere.

You JUST saw me one second ago when you walked in front of my car … but now … [[music]] … that car must’ve just disappeared behind me.

Look … I don’t advocate for running anybody over … but somebody like this at least deserves a light tap to remind them that they are on foot and may want to get out of the way of the giant car. I’m just looking for a little hustle, man. Well … that and a straight line. Walk in it.

Moving on Diary …

I understand this is irrational anger … OK … everything in the Anger Diary is irrational anger … so too bad … we’re here now … I hate “mug cake.” That’s right … mug cake! Really I hate any time the kids discover some sort of food and drink concoction online and then start trashing my kitchen with it, but mug cake is the WORST. Because now they basically just dump some flour, sugar, and chocolate into a mug … and onto the counter … and onto the floor. And then heat it up in the microwave to explode everywhere and make a giant mess.

And somehow they think mug cake also defies the laws of snacks and desserts. Two o’clock in the afternoon …

“What are you doing?”

“Making mug cake.”

“It’s two o’clock in the afternoon. That’s not a snack. That’s a dessert.”

“Yeah but it’s mug cake.”

Hate you mug cake! And especially hate you afterward because that black, over-microwaved chocolate never wants to come off any of the mugs. And yes … I know the kids should clean it themselves, but they conveniently “forget” every single time.

If I told them, I’ll give you $20 if you remind me at exactly 8:47 two weeks from next Thursday … oh they got that one memorized … but “rinse your dishes” … [charlie brown mumbles]

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.