These Kids Today

Dear Diary …

I’m gonna help you out today … because sometimes we don’t realize what other people think about us. And I assume you don’t wanna look like a idiot to other people, right? So … allow me to help.

If you say this phrase … “These kids today … they just don’t wanna work!”

You are a fool. And you look like a whiny old dinosaur to other people.

There … you’re welcome!

And I know you’re gonna come back at me and say, “But it’s true! This young generation is lazy and they don’t have any desire to put in an honest day’s work.”

Now first of all … you’re right. It IS true. Of course “young people today” don’t wanna work, because “young people yesterday” didn’t wanna work either. And I’m gonna blow your mind here a little bit, but YOU WERE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE! We were ALL one of those people.

What 22 year old really wants to just buckle down and focus real hard on their job and career?

Shoot … I don’t wanna work NOW and I’m old, but I definitely didn’t wanna work when I was “the younger generation.”

When I was a teenager I worked at the grocery store … and if they sent me to the back rooms to do something I would go do it. And then just sit there. And sit there. And basically just wait until somebody paged me. Sometimes it would be like an hour.

Why? Cuz I didn’t wanna work.

Work sucks! That’s why they call it “work?” All I cared about was figuring out how to leave as quickly as possible and what place had the Happy Hour with the cheapest drinks so I could drink 9 of ‘em and forget my lousy work day.

And you did the same dang thing … not because you were lazy, but because you were young … and stupid. We were all young and stupid … it’s part of being young! And do you remember when your Grandpa talked about “the War” and how bread cost a nickel and “you kids today don’t know the value of hard work and all you want to do is listen to your hippity hop rap music?”

Yeah well guess what … you’re grandpa now!

And why does everybody always insist on crapping on fast food workers? “They wanna make $15 an hour just to work at McDonald’s.”

Oh yeah? Well I got news for you … they deserve to get paid that because they gotta deal with unreasonable people like you every day. You think THEY’RE the entitled ones? You’re the one threatening to go over the counter because “they messed up my order.” Who’s entitled now?

I don’t wanna work there for $15 an hour. Shoot … double it. Still don’t wanna work there. But I do know this … I am dang grateful that they’re there doing it … and you should too.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Adult Story Time Stinks

Dear Diary …

Ahhh story time. When you were a kid, story time was the most glorious time. You would get all snug in your bed … pull the covers up to your chin like you’re a little kid on a sitcom. And then Mommy and Daddy would read you a story …

“Goodnight moon. Goodnight light. Goodnight room.”

Or you know … whatever dork book it was that you had on hand and your kids made you read one million times. The point is … story time is great when you’re a kid.

But when you’re an adult … story time is awful.

And I’m not talking about you having to read to your kids. That ones fine. (Maybe a little annoying at times, but overall not too bad.)

I’m talking about what story time BECOMES for you when you’re an adult. Because now … story time consists of the same horrible thing every time … you get stuck going to a meeting … somebody hands you a giant pamphlet … and then proceeds to to read that pamphlet to you word for word.

And you don’t even get to fall asleep like little kid story time … adult story time makes you sit there the whole time … flippin’ to the next page … having that one read to you as well.

Why do we do this? Just hand me the packet and have me read it. I CAN read. And even if I couldn’t … I could just tell Alexa to do it for me. So why do I need to be dragged into adult story time instead?

Well I’ll tell you why … It’s because most of y’all are lazy and you wouldn’t read it in the first place. So that’s why somebody has to read it to you. So … this is YOUR fault.

Moving on Diary … I’ve decided I don’t appreciate the attitude of auto-reply email messages. They’re just smug and unnecessary.

I am out of the office until Monday … please contact blah blah blah if you have an urgent request.

Oh well congratulations to you! You got to go on a little trip or a staycation or whatever. I don’t need you rubbing it in my face. “I’M not here right now because I’m awesome. But since YOU’RE a working stiff who desperately needs me … you will have to sit there and wait. BAHAHAHA!!!”

Cuz here’s the other thing with the auto-reply … to me it’s basically a guarantee that that person ain’t ever going to actually get back to you.

“Oh sorry … I was out and my inbox was just SWAMPED. What did you need again?”

That’s all they’re going to do … they’re going wait for you to contct them again.

And let’s not even get into the fact that half the time the auto-reply has the wrong dates on it, or ended three days ago. So like … are you here or not?

See? Smug. Don’t appreciate it.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

ChatGPT Sucks at Writing an Anger Diary

Dear Diary …

Don’t listen to what THEY tell you! And you know what? I think I finally figured out who “they” is … it’s the robots!

Cuz that’s all you hear now … “oh AI is so good … you can ask it to do anything and it’s perfect … total time and money saver!”

Oh good … here we go … we’re finally just laying down for the future Robot Revolution and letting The Terminator finally take over because our Robot Gods just make life darn easy.

OK fine! Let’s ask ChatGPT to write this Anger Diary for me then so I don’t have to. So I go in to their little site and I say “write a new diary entry for in the same writing style” and here’s what I got …

“Hey there, fellow anger warriors!”

OK … first of all … I ain’t never said that. It’s “Dear Diary” you stupid robot.

And I’m gonna save you from having to hear the whole entry (because it sucks), but here’s a snippet (and I WILL read it like a dork) …

“Buckle up for a hilariously frustrating adventure that unfolded in my kitchen recently. Picture this: It’s Monday morning, and I’m ready to conquer the world with a perfect slice of toast. But oh no, my trusty toaster decides it’s time to join the dark side!

I pop in the bread, press the lever, and wait…and wait…and wait. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. The toaster’s playing mind games with me. It’s become a stubborn rebel, refusing to do its only job.”

Ugh … this is terrible … story goes on … apparently I’m supposed to like shake the toaster or something according to the robot … oh and then there’s toast at the end and I’m supposed to “end the story with a wink and a toast-shaped smiley face.”

OK … this is awful. The robots are trash.

They’re not replacing humans! (OK, maybe really dumb humans, but those need replacing anyway so it’s cool.)

Like have you seen those terrible commercials people post on YouTube? They brag, “this whole thing was done with AI … even the people are computer generated.”

Yeah … and the “people” are fine on a quick glance, but then they turn toward the camera and it’s like when you’re having a dream and you’re about to kiss a pretty lady … or guy depending on whatever parts you enjoy … and they look all sexy and beautiful … and then … their faces suddenly get all [EVIL LAUGH] like they’re Pennywise the Clown or something.

People … we in trouble man … we letting the robots in too much. Pretty soon we’re gonna have extension cords at the base of our skulls and we’re gonna just become some sort of drooling nutrient farm for our Overlords.

Happy Tuesday!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Life Is a Waste of Time

Dear Diary …

Why do I sabotage myself? Why do we all sabotage ourselves? We know what we’re doing is stupid. We know how it’s all going to end. And yet we do it anyway.

For example … I don’t watch a lot of movies. I like movies, I just don’t seem to make the time to watch them.

And I can fill this story full of excuses like “I’m too busy to watch movies,” but that’s a lie. Everybody who says “I’m too busy” is a liar. Now I have no doubt that you have stuff going on. We all have stuff going on, but we also don’t fill every second of every day with meaningful stuff.

I mean … I’m sitting here writing this Anger Diary, but I also just spent the last half hour procrastinating and farting around on the internet. Oh … and I played Candy Crush for 45 minutes yesterday. So yeah … I’m not impossibly busy and neither are you. So don’t ever give me that “I’m too busy” excuse for anything, because I know you’re really just saying “I didn’t really wanna do that for you.”

Anyway … back to the movies and how I sabotage myself … because I sit down and think “hmm … maybe I’ll watch a movie.”

And then I say, “Ugh … but a movie is like two hours. I don’t have two hours to watch a movie. I’m too busy. I need to watch something shorter, maybe a half hour.”

Four episodes of “The Office” later and I’ve spent two hours watching absolutely nothing of value, and I could’ve TOTALLY watched that movie instead. And I knew this was going to happen from the start, and yet I did it anyway and totally sabotaged myself. Why?

It’s the same sabotage we all do when we do something like skip the gym. Our brain just keeps repeated over and over … “Skip the gym … skip the gym … you’ll be so happy you did.”

And then, like idiots, we skip the gym knowing full well what happens next. Our brain keeps repeating … “Ugh … why did we skip the gym? Why did we skip the gyyyyyyym????”

Sabotage! And we knew it was going to happen from the very beginning. And yet we do it anyway. Even knowing full well the times we actually go to the gym, we feel SO much better afterward that we actually went.

But I can promise you even knowing this … we’re all gonna do it again anyway. And again. And again. And again.

So fear not Michael Scott … Jim Halpert … Dwight Schrute and the gang … King Stupid will be there wasting way hours with you very very soon!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Dining Difficulties

Dear Diary …

Common sense. This should be an easy one. We should all have it. But obviously … we do not.

Now I could spend the next month talking about all the ways we lack common sense, but I only got like four minutes, so let’s narrow it down to some food-related stuff … specifically when we are at restaurants.

First … to the restaurants … can we get a little more common sense when it comes to appetizers? Now, I understand that this is just an appetizer … something to start off the meal with a little munch munch munch … and then on to the main course. But … is it too much to ask to have an even number of things on the plate?

I’m sick and tired of going to a restaurant, ordering an appetizer, and getting five items on a plate. What the heck you gonna do with five of anything? If there’s two of you … there’s one left over. And if there’s three of you … now you’re one short. Now we gotta sit here like idiots trying to figure out what to do with these things.

“Hey is this one yours?”

“I don’t know … how many have you had?”

“You just go ahead and take it. It’s fine.”

“No. You do it. I insist.”

Ugh! Just put six on the plate and we don’t have this problem. Common sense people … this should be easy!

Here’s another one … if you’re a restaurant that serves bread before the meal, there is no reason why any of you should serve it alongside cold, impossible to spread, bread-ripping butter. Who the heck wants that? Room temp butter … Soft and spreadable. This should be a no-brainer!

OK … on to you … the diner. When I go out to eat and I look at the menu, I often think to myself, “who in their right mind orders this particular entree?”

Like when you’re at an awesome steakhouse … what do you think you should order? If you answered “steak,” then you are able to state the obvious. And yet, there it is … on every steakhouse menu … some sad entree of grilled boneless skinless chicken breast with something like teriyaki sauce and a boring mixed vegetable.

Who orders that? OK … I get it … not everybody likes steak … but there’s gotta be SOMETHING else you can order that doesn’t scream “boring Tuesday dinner at home when you’re on a diet.”

That’s like going to a restaurant and saying … “Yes, I believe I will have a pre-cooked rotisserie chicken from the deli. Oh … and do you have a bottle of store bought barbecue sauce that I could use to dip it in?”

You’re in a restaurant. Take advantage of that fact and let them make you something that you can’t really make at home. And then the kick on the teeth is that these are the same people that at the end of their meal say, “Ehhhh … that dinner was only OK.” Gee … who’s fault is that???

You ordered boring. And the restaurant delivered boring. Don’t get mad at them for delivering the lousy thing you ordered.

Common sense, people … This is not rocket science around here!!!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Alone Time Things

Dear Diary …

When you boil it all down … there are only two things in life. “Alone” things. And “not alone” things. That’s it. Whatever you’re doing, it’s either supposed to be with people or without ‘em. And some of the “alone” stuff … yeah you keep that to yourself. We ain’t gonna talk about it, think about it, or even acknowledge that it exists.

But other stuff … man you’re doin’ it wrong.

I’mma tell you flat out … shopping at the grocery store is an “alone” thing. Now look … if you got little boogerball kids with you. They don’t count. As any good parent knows, kids don’t count as people.

Oh … I mean … kids … if you’re listening right now … Uncle Zack just kidding. Mommy and Daddy wuv you so very much and you’re the most important whittle miracle on the planet.

OK … earmuffs right? [WHISPERING] They’re not people!

Anyway … two grown adults have no business being in the grocery store together.

What are you doing?

Do you not realize you’re just … in the way?

And you look ridiculous! Couple of dorks just tooling along with a shopping cart, blocking the path of anything and everything that they come in contact with.

“Oh well we just go to the store as a couple … to spend time together!”

You ain’t ever heard of a restaurant or like a park or something?

Those are couple time activities. The grocery store is a chore. Chores are “alone” things so you can divide and conquer the chores. Like … you standin’ around doing laundry together? Of course not! One person does laundry and the other person vacuums or something. Whatchoo gonna do? Hold hands and vacuum the living room together?


Other things are “with people” things.

If you’re a grown adult … you don’t go to a Disney movie by yourself.

“But I like Disney movies!”

Fine … go volunteer at the Big Brothers Big Sisters or something and take somebody else with you. Ain’t no grown man need to be sitting at “Encanto” all by himself. I’m sure you’re a lovely person, but you’re freaking the rest of us out.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Don’t Respect Your Elders

Dear Diary …

You know how they always say things like “Respect Your Elders” and “Honor thy Forefathers?”  Well I gotta tell ya … I’m not so sure.  I mean yeah … we can respect previous generations.  Absolutely.  We should respect EVERY generation.  Even those no good rotten Millennials deserve respect!

And really I kid about that.  Millennials get a bad rap … “Oh they’re just a lazy generation that’s young and dumb and doesn’t wanna work.”  That is EVERY generation when they’re young.  Cuz when you’re young … you’re dumb … and you don’t wanna work!  I promise you there were 16 year olds in the Greatest Generation that were all, “Maaaaa … I don’t wanna go work in the fields.  I’m just gonna sit here and look at the box of sticks I use as toys.”  Every generation is lazy when they’re young … it’s part of being young.

Oh and by the way … to all of you that keep posting that dumb thread about “it’s a fact that my generation was the last one to play outside and we didn’t have a phone in our hands all the time.”  Oh please!  I’m in that generation, and you know what we loved, watching tons of TV, playing video games, and talking on the phone until our parents yanked the cord out of the wall.  Not to mention the fact that you probably posted that status on your Facebook page FROM YOUR PHONE and then sat there all day hittin’ refresh to see how many likes it got.

OK … but I’m getting sidetracked here.  “Respect Your Elders” … why? 

Sure … they did some things, but you ever tried to get plumbing and electrical fixed in your house when it was built by one of these old coot generations?  What was wrong with these people?  It was as if their goal was to make sure all plumbing and electrical was done in a way that it was impossible to get to later if you needed to fix it, and everything was installed at an angle that no tool can actually reach.

Why I gotta respect these people that treated the inner workings of my house like it was a funhouse maze that some poor future generation … i.e. ME … had to figure out?  See? This is what happens when people don’t have video games.  They treat the homebuilding process like it’s a video game and they’re hidin’ Easter eggs all throughout the walls.

“Respect Your Elders” … FAHHH!  And don’t even get me started on the Forefathers.  I don’t know why people get so uptight about the Constitution.  Yeah … it’s got some important stuff in there, but it was also written 250 years ago. I don’t even trust a cookbook that was written in 1987, so why am I gonna trust a document that was written during a time where guys thought it was cool to wear wigs and have wooden teeth?  That’s like taking your investment advice from that weird man that sits on the bench outside the post office.

You wanna do that? Good luck! I’m all for learning from older generations, but let’s also not forget these are the people that thought you should put leeches on your body when you didn’t feel good.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Are We Shakin’ or Not?

Dear Diary …

OK … we’re going to have to come to an official decision here. Back in the day we used to shake hands. And when I say “back in the day,” I of course mean “before COVID.”

When COVID happened, the handshake was pretty much the first thing to go bye bye (unless you were some weirdo doing to whole “I’m French so let me kiss you on each cheek” thing … that was RIP #1). And it’s fine that the handshake went away too … I totally get it. We were wicked scared of COVID, so we didn’t do it any more.

But now here we are a couple years later, and yes I know we can still sit here and say “COVID is serious, we need to take it as seriously as ever,” and that’s fine too, but we’re also definitely not wicked scared of it anymore.

So I gotta ask … are we shaking hands or not?

I really don’t care either way, but what I’m sick of is the awkward “handshake/fist bump/which one you going in for and am I gonna be able to guess right and not have it be weird?” … that thingamabobber we got going on right now. I hate it! It’s like playing the Rock, Paper, Scissors Grown Up Greeting Version.

One … two … three … shoot!

Ahh … you threw “fist bump” my bad!

And I’m totally fine with just banning the handshake forever. Too many times it’s all jacked up anyway because you get a bad grab, or you mess up trying to figure out how hard you shake the hand of somebody of the opposite sex, or … you know … COVID. So can we just agree on it, make an official decision, and move on?

Also … can we just agree … that while it WAS a good idea at the time, we don’t really need all of these curbside pickup parking spaces anymore?

At the grocery store? Sure.

But we don’t need three designated curbside pickup spots at the liquor store anymore. I ain’t seen a single human use those things in months, outside of me of course because I’m just parking in them now. Whatchoo gonna do about it? Tow me?

The other ones that are ridiculous are the ones taking away parking spaces on city streets. Nobody needs those anymore!

And as somebody who knows the restaurant industry, I can promise you right now that 99% of restaurants don’t even wanna deal with curbside pickup anymore. They’re already short handed INSIDE, they don’t need to try to run food outside to some random person. And be honest … anybody using that service right now ain’t doing it because they tested positive for COVID, they’re doing it because they tested positive for “lazy.”

It was a perfectly good idea in the moment, but it’s time to move on.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Screw the Supply Chain

Dear Diary …

I hate excuses. It’s just such a wimpy way to wander thru life. Just accept responsibility for whatever happens and move on. Is that really THAT hard to do? Apparently it is, because we LOVE excuses, especially when we could find big blanket ones that all of society could lean on.

Remember when bullying became the big excuse for everything? Now don’t get me wrong, actual bullying is wrong and needs to be dealt with, but we started using the term “bullying” for everything. All of a sudden you were free to screw up, and if anybody called you out on it …

“They’re bullying me!”

No. You screwed up. All they did was point out that you screwed up.

“But it hurt my feelings. Bullying!”

Yeah … see … that’s what I’m talking about. Or like when everybody started using “COVID” for just about any excuse you wanted. Wanna flake out on plans? COVID. Wanna just not show up to work? COVID. Cheat on your wife? Uhhh …. COVID?

But here’s the one we’re in right now and I am straight up over it … “Supply Chain.”

We use “supply chain” for pretty much any excuse we want.

Why is a loaf of bread $5? “Uhhh … supply chain.”

And why is this shelf empty? “Oh you know … supply chain.”

No! No more supply chain. I get it … just like the bullying thing … there are times where it is the legitimate explanation, but we’re just using it as an excuse to get out of things.

Like let me give the grocery store a heads up right now … when Thanksgiving week gets here again … people are gonna buy more heavy cream, more butter, and more herbs. There! You have ONE YEAR to prepare because I guarantee you that next year people are gonna … again … buy more heavy cream, more butter, and more herbs. This will NOT sneak up on you!

And this is not a post-COVID thing … I remember VERY well that back in 2019 the same shelves were bare. This should not happen! You run a business right? And the goal of your business is to make money, right?

I mean … I’m no Jeff Bezos but if I own a business that sells heavy cream, butter, and herbs … I’m gonna make sure to have plenty of those things available when people wanna buy them so I can MAKE MORE MONEY.

Look at me … giving sage business advice! (Sage .. I should use that … it’s an herb.) Maybe I’ll write a book or something!

So don’t you “supply chain” me anymore. Look … just tell the truth … we don’t really wanna work harder so you’re just gonna get what you get and then we go home for the day. I respect that answer more already!

Till next time Diary … I say .. Goodbye.

The Anger Diary That Never Happened

Dear Diary …

I’ve been writing in this Anger Diary for a long long time … and I’ve always had one problem pretty much since I started. And no, that problem isn’t me worrying about having something to write about. Fortunately for me (and unfortunately for the world), there’s always dumb people doing dumb things. So there’s pretty much always something to put in the Anger Diary.

The problem is … people and their “feelings.” There’s all sorts of things I totally want to write about, but I can’t, because the person I wanna call out in the Diary is too sensitive, or is gonna get all butt hurt, or they’re 9 years old and apparently it’s “mean” to put a child on blast in public. Ugh … fine! I won’t do it … but just know that you are totally ruining the enjoyment of everyone else!

Like right now … I have this GREAT Anger Diary I want to write that’s all about [mumbles] and the [mumble mumble] that they did the other day. But I can’t do it because then they’re gonna hear it and be all, “What? Why would you say that about me?”

And then I would have to lie and be all, “Oh no … it’s not true. I was just making that up for the Anger Diary!” When in fact it was TOTALLY true, and now you’re just making me be a liar to preserve your feelings.

That’s the thing man, we’re too sensitive now and I don’t like it. And it’s not that I think we should be mean to each other for no good reason, but if you are a dummy and you’re acting a fool, why can’t I let you know that? You’d think people would WANT to be told that they were doing something stupid so they would stop doing it, but noooooo … now you make one co-worker or kindergartener cry and YOU’RE the bad guy.


So yeah … this is the Anger Diary today … talking about how there’s something I WANT to talk about, but not actually telling you what it is. Feel unfulfilled? Feel ripped off? Well that’s YOUR fault, cuz you’re “feelings” are the thing that prevented this from happening.

And now I’m totally still gonna have to lie because everybody I know is now gonna say “so who was it that you wanted to talk about … was it me?” Nooo … of course not … it was totally somebody else.

(It was you.)

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.