Category: Rules and Laws

The Yuck Election


Dear Diary …

Election Day.  What has become months and even years of attacking, arguing, fighting … and I’m not even talking about the candidates … I’m talking about you people on Facebook … but we have FINALLY reached the day where the vote is finally here.

And I’m not going to get in the ring with any of the fighting … and I’m not even going to lash out at all of you people that are doing it … because it ain’t gonna help anyway.  We are all so deeply dug in to our views and opinions, that there’s no hope of climbing out of the ditch in time for this election.

Instead … I’m going to look to the future and try to help us all moving forward.

The other day, I was having a conversation in the car with my seven year old daughter.  She saw a bunch of election signs in somebody’s yard and asked what I thought was a very profound question … “Why is everybody so angry at each other about the election?”

And I don’t even have to answer that question to show you that there’s a huge problem here.  She’s seven.  She sees what’s going on, and even she knows that something ain’t right.  So … let me see if I can summarize all of this in a way that we can all hear.

At my daughter’s school, she has a program called “Happy Healthy Cooks,” it’s a really cool class that teaches the kids about food, nutrition, and how to embrace new ingredients and cuisines that they maybe haven’t tried before.

And one of the main messages of Happy Healthy Cooks is a thing called “The No Yuck Rule.”  And the No Yuck Rule is very simple … it’s OK if you try a food and not like it, but you are not to say “ewwww” or “yuuck” about that food. Because even though YOU didn’t enjoy the food, there might be another person in the class who DID like the food, and when you say “that’s gross!” … that can make that person feel bad, and they may even change their mind about the food, simply because you said “yuck.”

I think it’s a great rule, and I also think that we need The No Yuck Rule to be followed when it comes to our politics too.  Because that’s where we’re at right now … everybody is completely dug in on their opinion, and anything that doesn’t agree with that opinion is “ewwww … gross!!!!”

That’s not how democracy works.  It’s not about never changing your opinion and just trying to force everybody else to agree with you.  It’s about taking differing opinions and learning how to come up with a solution that is best for the country as a whole.

But right now, both sides think they got the only opinion that matters.  And I got news for ya … both of you are lima beans right now.  The food you’re slingin’ tastes terrible, and nobody should have to eat it.  You don’t listen, you don’t compromise, and you don’t have any desire to come up with real solutions.  You just wanna point fingers and call each other yucky, without actually doing anything about it.

I challenge you all to apply The No Yuck Rule to your life.  Actually … I DARE you to do it!  And you know what will happen?

::: GASP :::

We may LISTEN to each other and come up with REAL solutions that help this country move forward.  Amazing!

Go vote today … it’s an important thing to do.  And I’m not gonna try to sway you one way or the other, I just want you to think about what I’ve said, and think about The No Yuck Rule and how we can all get better in the future.  That way my daughter and her classmates can come in and clean up this vomit mess of a meal that we’ve all created.

Till next time Diary, I say, goodbye.

Everything Starts Too Late

Dear Diary …

So … we got the Presidential Debates happening. And before you freak out, I’m not actually going to talk about the debate because … well … I want to live … and I don’t want everybod to get all fired up about this person said this or that person did that. I don’t care!

What I DO want you to get fired up about is this … 9pm start time. Too … freakin’ … late.

This is the time of year for all that stuff … debates, prime time football, baseball playoffs … all that stuff starts too freakin’ late.

And don’t you get all, “Aww … old man can’t stay up past 9:30?”

First of all … no I can’t. Second of all … that doesn’t matter. You should still be mad on your own behalf.

What do we hear all the time in the news? “People don’t get enough sleep. A full night’s sleep is the most important thing for you and your health and your productivity at work.”

And then what do they do? Start everything at 9pm and keep you up past midnight.

And here’s their argument EVERY time … What about the people on the West Coast?

You know what? Screw those people!

We don’t even care about out neighbors anymore, so why should we care about these West Coast snoots and their special little time zone? They already get the perfect weather and all the celebrities and great restaurants and Las Vegas … They have enough advantages as it is.

Hey you ever notice how everybody on the West Coast is so good lookin’?

Yeah … it’s because THEY get a full night’s sleep because us idiot East Coasters are catering to their every need! Too freakin’ late!

OK moving on Diary … I hate getting punished for things that aren’t my fault.

That’s the worst. You didn’t do anything wrong, but you still end up being the person that pays for it.

And it stinks in particular with something I’ll call “The Parent Punishment.”

Like the other day when I get home from work and my wife brings our son home from school and informs me … Lennon was rude to me in the car and he has lost his iPad privileges for the day. OK … I gotta run out … I’ll be home in like four hours. Remember … no iPad because he’s punished!

He’s punished? I’M punished because now I gotta entertain him all afternoon!

You wanna dole out a punishment? Fine. But you gotta be there to administer it too.

I wanted a nap, and now I’m sitting having to spend quality time with my child. Gross!

And kids … here’s some helpful advice from your old friend Zack Jackson … would you just LISTEN your parents? Sometimes I swear you just get it in your head that you’re gonna just be a little turd until we’re finally forced to punish you. And whether you believe it or not, we do NOT wanna punish you, because it punishes us too.

I can’t tell you how many times we’re all supposed to go out to some party as a family, and one of the kids decides they’re gonna be a little jerk and then I have to threaten, “We will NOT go to the party if you keep this up.”

I’ll let you in on a little secret … You know what I’m saying on the inside? “I wanna go to a party… please don’t make me stay home with your misbehaving butt!”

So again … LISTEN. Oh … yeah … they’re not paying attention anymore already. Great! Now we’re getting punished!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

I’m Gonna Use the P-Word

Dear Diary …

Alright … I’m gonna do it. This is probably a terrible idea, but I’m gonna do it anyway. I’m gonna use the P-word …

Politics

[[[Insert panicked screaming and chaos that you would totally be hearing right now if you were listening to this Anger Diary as opposed to just reading it]]]

OH MY GOD!!! WHY IS HE DOING THIS??? I NEED TO FREAK OUT NO MATTER WHICH SIDE I’M ON AND WHO I’M VOTING FOR … AHHHH!!!

OK breathe …

We can do this.

And as shocking as it may seem … I actually think I have something to talk about here that we can ALL agree on.

This whole primary thing that we got going on right now … Can we all just band together and agree that this thing is stupid? Why are we dragging it out for so long?

Look … it made sense back in the 1800’s when the candidates had to take a wagon to each state just to go talk to people. Of course it had to be spaced out! Heck … it took three days just to “travel into town” to buy a goat pr whatever it was. They needed time for stuff.

But now … we don’t need the time. All it does is draaaaaag everything out … month of painful month of having to listen to these toolboxes fight with each other over every little thing. Nothing that’s been done in these past six month couldn’t have been covered in about two or three Skype interviews to the whole country.

And what’s worse … let’s admit it … most of us don’t really pay much attention to any of the actual facts or details of these different campaigns. So when one person does well in the first few primaries, we are all just a bunch of followers that fall in line and start voting for that person. And even if there’s another candidate you like better, you think “Well he doesn’t really have a chance, cuz he didn’t win Iowa, so I’ll just vote for the other guy instead.”

And by the way … the states that are leading the way … like Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina … THESE are the states we are letting be in charge of picking the potential leader of the Free World?

What is wrong with us? If you were buying something online … you would never say “Well … let me look at the reviews of this product before I spend my money, but let me only pay attention to reviews from people who live in Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina.”

You wouldn’t do that!

And that’s for buying pants … meanwhile this is for PRESIDENT!!!!! We’re insane that we let this happen!

The amount of time … and money … WASTED by this whole stupid process that the majority of Americans would be happy to have eliminated anyway is ridiculous.

Two votes … two weeks apart. Half the country one time …The other half the next time. And two debates … one before each vote. There … done.

I just saved us all about a hundred million dollars and six months of aggravation.

It’s not that hard. The problem is … we have created a powerful legion of morons that run this country, and its virtually impossible to crack thru. So instead … you gonna just have to watch that one lady you don’t like take on that other guy you don’t like for the right to compete against some other guy that you don’t really like much either. ‘Murica!!!!

There .. I talked about the P-word and we didn’t go crazy, right? Oh wait … you’re already constructing signs and planning the anti-Zack rally? [[SIGH]] OK … nevermind.

Till next time Diary … I say goodbye.

Realistic Resolutions You Can Actually Keep


Dear Diary …

January. Ugh.

So you know what that means … everybody’s talking about their New Year’s Resolutions. Oh my God!

While I was on vacation … my wife likes to watch all those morning TV talk shows (And yes … It is not lost on me that her HUSBAND works in morning RADIO and she watches morning TELEVISION instead. But hey .. she cleaned the toilets on Sunday so I can’t complain). Anyway … that’s all those stupid shows talk about this time of year …

“Hey what’s your New Year’s Resolution?”

“Here’s how to stick to your New Year’s Resolution”

Blah, blah blah.

I swear to you … When I’m King of Zackmerica, the term “New Year, New You” is going to be banned, and you go to prison if you say it.

You know … I’m starting to think New Year’s Resolutions were invented by these shows just so they had something to talk about once Christmas was over.

And they’re all so ridiculous … “I’m gonna change. I’m gonna be a different person.”

I got news for you … No you’re not. YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE!

How about just accept that and just get out there and be yourself? Heck … I think even Oprah agrees with me on that one!

And at the very least … how about we do this … Let’s make some resolutions that we can actually keep. Quit smoking, lose a hundred pounds, make a million dollars … Yeah … you probably ain’t doing any of those. Face it.

Instead … here’s some suggestions of realistic resolutions you can actually do …

Realistic Resolution #1: If you’re going to take a break from Facebook … Actually take a break from Facebook. AND … don’t be running your mouth about it. Just do it.

People who announce “Just wanna let everybody know I’m taking a break from Facebook” … They never actually take a break from Facebook.

One week later they’re back on “Just reminding everybody … I’m still taking a break from Facebook.”

Oh baloney … now you’re just being a creepy lurker, spying on everybody else in your life, to try and figure out what they say about you when they think you’re gone. And they always hide behind the whole “I’m just sick of the drama.” You ARE the drama! The only people who say stuff like that are the ones that are always causing the drama in the first place. You know says “I’m not crazy?” Crazy people. This is the same rule here.

Realistic Resolution #2: Stop having what I call “The impossible one-sided conversation.”

These are the people who … Now you’re just minding your own business and they’re reading something online or whatever it is and they’ll just randomly say something like …

“Well that’s interesting.”

What? What’s interesting? I have no idea what you’re talking about!

And they never provide follow up and make you drag it out of them. My wife will do this where she’s looking at something on her phone and she’ll just say “That’s funny.”

And then she’ll just leave. Don’t put that out there and then walk away! One-sided conversationer!

And Realistic Resolution #3: Now I know this is petty and ridiculous, but make a promise to the world that when you come up to a speed bump, just drive over the thing at a respectable speed and move on.

Too many people slow …. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY DOWNNNNNNNNN …

Front wheel … THEN ……………………… Back wheel.

Look, I’m not askin’ ya to go all Dukes of Hazzard airborne on these things, but you don’t have to go THAT ridiculously slow.

And don’t gimme the whole “I’m just trying not to do damage my car!” Because here’s the deal … I would totally understand if I saw a $100,000 Bentley doing this, but it’s never that. It’s always somebody in … well … something that looks like my piece of car. Face it … our cars already stink … there’s nothing to protect here. You can slow down a little, but you don’t have to go crazy.

There … real resolutions that you should actually be able to keep. You’re welcome.

Till next time Diary, I say … Goodbye.

Tackling Gender Inequality

Dear Diary …

I think it is high time that I tackle the issue of gender inequality. We strive to make this world a place where all people can have the same opportunity, regardless of their gender. But as I’m sure you know … this doesn’t always happen.

So I think it is time for me … as a man … to rise up and say … NO! We will not stand for this anymore. We will NOT allow our women to continue to have WAY more girls’ nights out than we men have guys’ nights. The inequality must stop!

What? You thought I was going to talk about something else? Like the pay gap between men and women and how women get paid less? Heck no!

And honestly … I don’t know how you ladies haven’t figured out how to win that battle yet, because you kick men’s equality butts in just about everything else. So how are not winning that one, too?

I mean think about it with the going out thing … You ladies have it nailed. You’ve branded it with names like Book Club, and Girl’s Night, and Moms drinking wine at two in the afternoon on a Tuesday while the children keep each other company. Oh sorry … I mean “Play Date.”

And the branding really is the genius. Like “Book Club” … What a great sounding name. Who can say no to Book Club?

“What? You don’t want me to read and be cultured?” How dare you!

But we all know … ain’t no books being read at Book Club. But “Women Making Their Husbands Watch the Kids While We Have Boozy Wine Night,” that’s a much harder sell to get out of the house. So you call it “Book Club” … and nobody says anything.

And don’t even try to tell me that Book Club has anything to do with books. My wife had Book Club last week. You know where it was? At a very loud restaurant where people and eat and drink and don’t really have discussions about literature. What they do have, though, is wine on tap. Hmmmmmm ….

Men … we’re gettin’ stepped all over in this one, and it’s time to fight back.

Now … don’t read me wrong here. I don’t care if you have Boozy Wine Night … sorry … I mean “Book Club.” You do that all you want, we men just need to step it up and do a better job of getting our own nights out.

It’s SO hard to get a bunch of dudes together on the same night. And I don’t blame my wife. She’s cool, and doesn’t mind at all. It’s other people’s wives, because way too many of them are not cool, and are a royal pain in the butt.

You try to plan a get together and next thing you know one friend can’t make cuz he has soccer practice early in the morning, and somebody else’s wife has the sniffles, and somebody else has to pressure wash their patio cuz they promised or whatever … BLAH BLAH BLAH.

And then you always get the one dude who’s wife does the whole “Well all the girls are friends too, how come we can’t get a sitter and all come with you?” Because you can’t! Because you’re not invited! That’s why!

And here’s another rub … we let you go out for Bozzy Wine Night … and then when you’re all hungover the next morning and useless, we take the kids for pancakes while you sweat chardonnay out of your pores. Meanwhile, when men go out it’s “If you think you’re gonna come home late and all drunk, you are getting up with the kids in the morning as your payback.” Why is that the deal?

Well you know what? Zippity zoo to you! And I say that because you can’t say go [[BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP]] on my [[BLEEP]] … cuz then I’m grounded and I’m never going out again.

Men … we need to take back control. We’re going out … now get in there and make me a sandwhich! OK … that’s a really terrible idea actually. We’re not gonna say stuff like that. We don’t need 1952 sad housewife either (though sandwiches ARE delicious, but that’s not the point). We just need to even the playing field a little bit and have a little more balance of girls’ nights and guys’ nights. That’s all.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Stay At Home Moms Are Weird

Dear Diary …

Stay at home Moms. OK … before anything else, let me stand on the highest mountain and shout your praises for all the things that you do. But also … you guys are weird. Because yeah … you do ALL these amazing things day in and day out with your children, which leads me to the question … “Why?” I spend like one afternoon with my kids and I’m about ready to lose my mind.

Stay at home Moms … and I mean this as a compliment … you guys are mutants. The fact that you can handle these little rascals … you’re like the X-Men … you’re just bigger, better, and stronger than we are. How do you not kill ‘em? Or at the very least … How do you not spiral down into some sort of wine-induced fog by 3 pm every day just to make the screeching go away?

I was on vacation last week … Every two seconds with these kids … they want something.

“I want Cheeze-Its”

OK … fine. Here’s your Cheez-Its.

Sit back down. Two seconds later the other one …

“Can I have some Goldfish?”

AHHHH!!!! Why didn’t you mention that when I was in the kitchen?

“I forgot?”

Oh bologna you forgot! Fine … here’s your Goldfish. Alright …

Anybody else have anything they want before I sit down? No? … OK … Good.

[[aaahhhh]]

::SNIFF SNIFF::

AHH … poop! Here we go!

No clue how you do it. For me … staying at home makes me actually look forward to going to work. YOUR work IS home … there’s no escape!

Weirdoes … the whole lot of ya. Thoroughly important gifts from God. But still weird ones.

OK … moving on Diary …

Here’s a segment I like to call, “Things We Should Be Better At.”

When you look at it as a whole, this world really is an amazing place. Look at how far we’ve come as a people in the past hundred years. Heck … the past 20 years. I mean 20 years ago we weren’t pooping in a hole in the ground like we were a hundred years ago, but still … the internet? Hello! That said, there are still glaring problems that to me … given how far we’ve come … shouldn’t happen any more.

For example … why in our cars does there still exist a place between the front seats that is just big enough to have things like your cell phone … bloop … just fall right in? And this place is also small enough that it’s impossible to get your hand in to get the things out! This random little black hole doesn’t need to be there … serves no purpose … so why is it still there? We can plug up that hole? Shoot … bring back bench seating in cars … problem solved.

Here’s another thing we should be better at … I mean we got the technology to send back pictures of the planet Pluto in HD, but I still can’t take a shower and run a sprinkler at the same time in my house?

Look … I get it when … you know … indoor plumbing was new and stuff and we had just upgraded from using a wash basin, but you mean to tell me they can’t run enough water into my house so I can do those two things at the same time?

Failing … that’s what we’re doing here. Fix it … that’s what needs to happen.

Till next time Diary, I say … goodbye.

Fire All Driver’s Ed Teachers

Dear Diary …

Alright … no more being nice. I think we finally gotta take some drastic measures here. I think it’s time to demand the firing of every Driver’s Ed teacher in Virginia. All of ’em. Pack your things and get out. OK that’s probably a LITTLE too extreme, but I’m at my wits end, and I don’t know what to do about this state’s obsession with hanging out in the left lane on the highway.

And it’s just Virginia. Diary … I drove 1500 miles over my vacation … Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Maryland … and NONE of those places had people just toolin’ along on the left lane. Then I cross into Virginia … everyone’s just camped out there … DONGA DONGA DONGA DONG.

So clearly, it’s a Virginia thing. So that’s why I’m lashing out at driver’s ed teachers, because I feel like SOMEBODY taught you people to drive this way. It’s the only explanation I have. I just know that change needs to happen.

Hey … I’ll admit it … I’m not from here, but I like it here. I say that I’ll “holler at you” when I’m “fixin’ to” do something. Now I won’t “cut on the lights” … never gonna happen … but I do get all excited when they’re “walkin’ to the South, out of Roanoke” in Wagon Wheel. That’s cool.

So I’m here … as your friend … STOP IT! I don’t care if Mr. Dingleberry your driver’s ed teacher told you to it, don’t do it anymore. You look ridiculous to the rest of the county, and you’re making me drive bad. Because now I’m forced to pass your oblivious, slow-moving butt on the right … and I don’t wanna have to do that. I don’t know who you think you’re impressing by hanging out there, so just get outta the way … please!

OK … moving on Diary … As a parent of small children, I feel like I need to educate other people on something about these tiny little bundles of … uhhh … joy? Is that what people say?

Anyway … here’s something you can’t do when talking to small children … you cannot tell them they’re gonna get to do things WAY in the future. They have tiny little skulls and tiny little brains … they can’t process durations of time, and they have NO patience to wait for anything.

My son is three … and while visiting his Grandma, she tells him “Lennon … we’re going to go the Thomas the Train amusement park … when you come back next year.”

Oh and I should add that she does this right as we’re leaving. Gives him the tease, then shuts the door to the car and says goodbye. Why would you do this to me? Now I’m driving 700 miles with a three old in the backseat screaming that he wants to go ride the trains right now.

He doesn’t understand “next year.” You need to talk to small children like you would to a dog. You would never say to your dog “Oh moosh moosh … do you want a cookie … next week?”

Tiny children have about the same grasp on the concept of time. Things either happen right now … or never. Shut the door and leave me with that. I’m starting to think maybe she did it on purpose? You’re thinking that too, aren’t ya?

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Lazy Brain and Double Standards

Dear Diary …

As we all make our way through this world, there are so many challenges and obstacles to overcome. People … opportunities … shoot even just bad luck. And as if all of those things aren’t hard enough, then you gotta deal with your biggest enemy of them all … yourself. Specifically … your brain.

Man … why your brain gotta do you like that? You work so hard to overcome all these other things … and you’d think your own brain would be Team You, but that dastardly veiny little thing is the worst!

For example … Diary … as I write in you write now … You know what I wanna do? Not this! All my brain says is … “I’m tired. I’m hungry. I wanna do something else.”

Now … at 5am … when I was busy with all sorts of other things … My brain was all gung-ho “Hey … I wanna write in the Anger Diary! MHAHAHAAHH!!!”

It always wants to do something else. I bring up 5am, because that’s the time my brain really wants to go to the gym. Can’t go then, but later in the day, when I’m done with work and can actually go to the gym …

“I’m tired. I’m hungry. I wanna do something else.”

I tell you what … I think my brain is messing with me at 5am because it KNOWS I can’t go to the gym them. It doesn’t REALLY wanna go to the gym, it just toys with my emotions at a time that it knows it can get away with it.”

Cuz guess what? On Saturday at 5am … “I’m tired. I’m hungry. I wanna do something else.”

You little jerk!

Oh and forget being on a diet … your brain starts off all “Yeah … we can totally do this. Mind over matter!”

Then as soon as he gets the chance “Mmmm … potato chip … Potato chip … Om nom nom!”

Mind over matter. We all need to start rootin’ for matter, cuz mind is screwin’ us over!

OK … moving on Diary …

Double standards … You know, where one rule is applied to one group of people, but is then different for another group … Yeah, they’re wrong for the most part.

I mean, like, I as a man think it’s crap that a woman can pretty much do whatever she wants if the man in her relationship has “wronged” her. Key his car, burn his stuff, trash his reputation. It’s all fair game. And not only is it OK … there’s songs written about it that make people lots of money.

Oh but flip that around and man does all those things to his girlfriend … Hello prison!

It goes both ways though. Women … you should be furious at the double standard that men can hook up with as many chicks as they want … and they’re a stud. YOU do that … Everybody says you got herpes. Totally unfair!

That said … some double standards are OK.

Like when you’re a parent and dealing with kids … You’re totally allowed to pull that “Do as I say, not as I do” card. Like the other day, my son wanted his iPad. Well guess what … It wasn’t iPad time. And pay no attention to the fact that I was using an iPad while I was telling him this. Rule don’t count for Daddy. I paid my dues. And I paid for iPads. So step off!

Another time double standards are OK are with words. I know they’re just words, but when crafted together, they can become very powerful. That’s why I think it’s important to have double standards with them. Like … women can say certain words, while men absolutely should not say the same words.

“I sleep naked.”

When a woman says that … Bravo sister! Girl power! You are cute!

A man? Ewww. Like your whole house to me is a motel bedspread. No thank you!

Here’s another one …

“I just love children.”

Yeah … I don’t need to elaborate there.

“Spoon me.”

No self-respecting man on Earth would say “spoon me.” So yeah … sometimes a double standard is perfectly OK.

Till next time Diary, I say … goodbye.

 

2015 Graduation Manifesto

Dear Diary …

Here we are … at the time of year when many of the young minions of Zackmerica make that fateful walk down the aisle away from childhood and into young adulthood. Graduation season is here. And notice that I don’t say “Dads and Grads Season” … cuz as a father … Father’s Day gets the shaft as it is compared to Mother’s Day, and I re-FUSE to let you lump me and all the other Dads in with grads just because it happens to rhyme. But that’s for a different Anger Diary … back to the graduates.

Because another thing you see this time of year is different celebrities giving graduation speeches at colleges and high schools throughout the county. And since nobody’s offering me these speaking gigs … I’m gonna just do it here.

For the record I’m not angling for an invitation to speak … I don’t really like leaving the house … so don’t offer. Also … I’m gonna be the one that tells the truth … the cold hard truth … so your school probably wouldn’t like the dose of reality I’d give you anyway. Plus … I’d hate it if only one lucky school got my wisdom, and I would deprive all the other schools. So if I give it to you here, then EVERY school gets it.

So without further ado, here’s my advice to graduating seniors everywhere … DON’T LEAVE!!!! The world is a terrible place where they make you do responsible things and fun goes to die! OK first I should probably … breathe. Second … I should probably clarify before we go any further … that advice applies to college. High school? Adios suckas! You’re on to bigger and better things. Forget that place!

I mean … high school was FINE … but college … I don’t wanna bum you out or nothin’, but those are the best years of your life. It’s all downhill from there baby!

I mean … yeah … you get to do all these exciting things in your life like get married, have kids, have a career, blah blah blah. But college really is this glorious time where you have minimal responsibility mixed with just the right amount of independence that allows you to play video games 7 hours a day, as well as two or three solid nights a week of beer pong. All while not really being bothered by anyone.

And your metabolism? Oh my God, I might miss that more than anything. Come home from a night of fun .. eat a calzone at three o’clock in the morning … wake up at noon … do it all again the next day. Now I inhale the smell of a calzone … “Oh that acid is gonna give me heartburn!” And not just the heartburn, let’s not forget the general fatitude that it’s going to cause on my Dad Bod at the same time. College … you can eat calzones three times a day and you look exactly the same. Adulthood … you know what you get? Diabetes.

The other thing that college has that you’re never gonna have again is immediate access to a social circle with a seemingly endless supply of new friends and love interests. College was that time where I felt like you met new people ALL the time. Some of ‘em became lifelong friends, others just became topless friends that you saw once or twice and then can’t even remember their names today. Yeah … that all gone.

Now you to go places like “work” … and then you go home. So the friends you got … that’s all you got. Now I’m not saying it’s IMPOSSIBLE to meet new people, but they aren’t just layin’ around all over the place like they used to. Now you gotta actually make an effort and say things like “Hello … Perhaps we should hang out socially some time? That would be lovely.”

And later you have kids …. forget it. Now you only hang out with the parents of kids that your kids are friends with. So you barely even like these people, but you have no choice because your little booger eaters are on the same soccer team, and they have a trampoline in their backyard and your kid wants to jump on it. So now your conversations are even worse, “Oh and what do you do for work?’ “Oh that’s nice … um … OK that’s all I got.” That’s what your life becomes.

Now I know what you’re thinking … “This is terrible advice!”

But it’s not. This is what the real world is like kiddoes. And the reason I tell you this is not to scare you, but to make you realize that you don’t need to be in such a darn hurry to grow up. I hear it all the time from these college kids “Oh I can’t wait to get out of here … I’m so done with college.”

Oh you precious … precious little … IDIOT! You have no idea what you’re leaving right now … stop trying to leave it so quickly! You got your whole stinkin’ life to grow up … sit back and enjoy the awesomeness that is your time right now and you can deal with the rest of it later. That, my friends, is your REAL graduation advice.

Till next time Diary .. I say … Goodbye.

Facebook the Sewer

Dear Diary …

Facebook is an amazing thing. It has revolutionized the way we communicate, and really has helped make the world become a better place. Oh who am I kidding? It’s a sewer! Like straight from the sewage treatment plant, festering full of every human germ of the world, and all the horrible things we say and do. It’s terrible!

Diary … I don’t even like talking to people, but Facebook has made even ME long for the days when all we did was talk face to actual human face, and not on some cesspool of a website that has become this place for everybody to spend all day whining and complaining about every little thing in their life.

And the biggest problem I have, is that it’s made people feel WAY too important. They think they’re like, Kings and Queens of their own little Kingdom … lording over their flock of dedicated Facebook friends.

Acting all important … like we’re all sooooo privileged to hear about your daily whining about your sinus infection, or about how one of Logan’s teachers was mean to him, or how it’s 32 days till your big beach trip.

Look … it’s fine if that’s the stuff you wanna post. I don’t care. The problem is that you THINK I care. That’s what always drives me nuts when I see this message …

“Just a did a big Facebook purge on my friends list. Congrats on making the cut.”

You know what? When I see that message, I’m actually BUMMED that I made the cut. And what are all of us supposed to say … those of us that made this magical cut?

“Oh thank you Lord of the Facebook for allowing me to still see your posts about how you wish it was Friday already and how you only got 3 hours of sleep last night. Rejoice to thee that I can be one of your chosen ones!”

Need I remind you that there’s only one true King … ME. King Zack. Nobody else.

So go ahead and post your little insignificant things. Just remember that’s exactly what they are … insignificant.

OK … moving on Diary …

The warm weather is finally creeping in, and soon we’ll be smack dab in the middle of the hot days of the summer time. So with that in mind, I offer everyone a piece of advice … especially men.

When inevitably somebody comes to your door … pizza guy, FedEx person, random kid selling coupon books for his school … can you please do us all a favor and put a shirt on before you open the door?

What sane person answers a door shirtless?

Immediately the whole normal balance of society and social interaction is thrown off. You have no shirt on!

I know you might be hot … but human beings put shirts on before they answer the door. Especially for strangers!

I really do feel for delivery people … the stuff they have to see .. stuff they don’t even wanna see … stuff they can’t un-see. Why are you doing this to them?

And they must be amazingly strong individuals, because how is it that we don’t hear more stories in the news like “Longtime pizza delivery guy decides he can’t take it anymore and stabs his own eyes out?”

I don’t care what anybody does in the privacy of their own home. Sit around shirtless … smoke weed … marry a goat … whatever. As long as it don’t affect me, then I don’t care. But when you cross that plane … the doorway of your house … that’s the threshhold to the outside world and society. Put a dang shirt on!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.