Merry Christmas!

Dear Diary …

OK everyone … don’t freak out. Don’t go crazy. Don’t get all mad. But I am here to tell you … Merry Christmas!

OK OK … it’s not exactly that, but I am here to talk you off the ledge when you go to the store this week and you see … GASP … Christmas stuff for sale! Oh heavens to Betsy!

What I need you to do is resist the temptation to get all mad and immediately take a picture and run to your social media and post it and say “I can’t believe they already have Christmas stuff out at the store! It’s too early!”

Alright … just stop. Let it go.

Cuz here’s the deal … it’s not too early.

Yeah … it’s too early to put your tree up or start decorating your yard, but it’s not too early to start buying stuff. Why? Because it’s never too early to buy stuff. Because when you want stuff … just buy it!

Ain’t nobody freaking out in February when they’re selling shorts at the Gap. “I can’t believe they’re already selling shorts! It’s not even spring!”

Look … they put it out there because sometimes you wanna buy shorts in February and sometimes you wanna buy Christmas stuff in September. They got winter coats for sale right now. Ain’t nobody lighting torches and marching the streets in protest over that.

You don’t wanna buy Christmas stuff right now? Fine. Don’t. But maybe somebody else does.

I just bought a refrigerator over the weekend. So now I have no need to shop for one for hopefully a REALLY long time. But I’m not mad if they’re still out there for somebody else to buy. The universe doesn’t revolve around just you. Some people wanna get that stuff out of the way … or maybe they’re excited for the holidays. Who really cares the reason? If that’s not for you .. then don’t bother.

I think pumpkin spice is nasty. But … some basic person with their autumn knit cap on is super excited about it. Great! Have at it!

There’s Christmas-themed stores that are open year round. And if you don’t like it … then don’t go there. Nobody’s forcing you. Do your own thing and move on!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

You Old Dinosaur

Dear Diary …

OK look … I can be brutally honest here.  I ain’t gettin’ any younger.  And that’s OK … I guess. Not like I have a choice.  But where I DO have a choice is that even though I’m getting older, it doesn’t mean I need to ACT any older.

Here’s what I mean by that …

Plenty of people my age … people I went to college with or grew up with or whatever … people that still have plenty of life left to give … they’ve given up.

“Oh I’m too old … I don’t even understand how to turn my TV on anymore.  I have to ask my daughter to do it for me.”

“What’s Tweeter?  I don’t understand this social media.  Bitmojis?  What are those?”

You sound like a fossil.

I mean … is this it?  Are you packing it in for good and deciding to become a lame old person?

If you are, then just quit.  Start boarding the travel bus to Atlantic City so you can go play penny slots with your other blue-haired girlfriends because you’re turning into a senior citizen right before our eyes.

“But I don’t understand.”

What are you?  Stupid?

You’re not stupid.  You’re just lazy and you don’t feel like learning.  So stop it.  You sound like a dinosaur.  Do you want to be extinct? Because I don’t.

And that goes for you too … person who says “All music today is crap” and hasn’t liked a new song since 1979.  I’m sorry … that’s simply not true.  You’re just not bothering to find it.

And guess what?  Back in 1979 there was some fossil that said YOUR music was awful and all good music stopped in 1943.  And now you’ve become that person.  You happy about it?

Here’s the reality … stuff changes.  Always.  Thing are never gonna be exactly the way you grew up with them.  So deal with it and evolve, or just go ahead and pack it in and call it a life, cuz you’re done.

Is that really what you want?

And to the people younger than me … you’re not completely off the hook here either. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret that may shock and amaze you … the world actually managed to exist before precious wonderful you was born.  So learn about it!

“I don’t know that band … that was … like … literally before I was born.”


Learn about them.  I mean … what’s the worst that happens?  You get to find something you like that happened before 1995.  Oh no!!!

You don’t have to let your generation define you … and that goes for every generation … so get to it.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

These Things Should Be Better

Dear Diary …

There are times where I think to myself, “Man … we’re pretty smart and we’ve developed and invented some really amazing things.”

This is not one of those times.

This is one of times where I think, “Why are we so stupid? And why do things stink that totally don’t have to?”

You know where my Christmas tree is right now? The dump.

And not because it was a real tree and it was time to throw it out, it’s because it was a fake tree that was a cheap piece of crap and is already taking up space in a landfill and probably causing some sort of damage to our children’s children’s children or whatever.

And why?

Because after two Christmases, the lights are dead in three different spots.

And when I say “dead,” I’m sure it’s probably just one or two little lights that need to be replaced, but here we are in 2018 and these stupid Christmas tree lights still ALL go out when one light don’t work.

Who in the heck designed these things? And why did we let them get away with it?

Can you imagine if that’s how the lights worked in your house … One lamp in the living room needs a new light bulb and now every light in the house is off?

There’s no reason why this needs to be this way. Or here’s another one … Why does the ice maker in your freezer still take 24 to 48 hours to fill a bucket of ice?

Two days. TWO DAYS!!! Just to make ice cubes? We’re OK with this?

You hear that dumb little trickle of water … then feels like an eternity later … [[[GARUMP-GONK]]] … Four stupid little ice cubes fall into the bucket. Who designed this … a turtle?

And finally … Why can’t Facebook filter out spoilers better?

No matter how hard you try to avoid, some dingleberry will eventually spoil “Walking Dead” for you whether you like it or not.

Why can’t I just click a “no spoilers” button and happily go about my day free of having anything ruined for me?

“Oh that would be too hard for our computers to figure that out.”

Oh whatever … your computers have no problem filtering IN every sad sack post about death, complaining, and destruction. Clearly there’s a way to filter other stuff out.

That was my news feed yesterday. First three posts … stomach bug, dead Grandma, and cancer. Thanks Facebook!

It’s 2018, none of these things should stink as much as they do. We’ve got plenty of scientists sitting around, wasting time doing nothing on silly studies. Fix these things instead!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Fantasy Football Stinks

Dear Diary …

It occurred to me over the weekend while watching football that fantasy football (and really fantasy sports of any kind), are totally ruining everything. And to be clear, I am a participant in them. Lots of them.

But as I sat there on a Sunday afternoon, one where I should just be gloriously celebrating the fact that my team, the Patriots, is destroying their opponent, I’m not. I’m mad. Because some idiot on some other team is suckin’, and that’s making my fantasy team suck.

So now I’m in a bad mood … and let’s all be honest with ourselves here … I’m in a bad mood about something that absolutely doesn’t matter one shred in the grand scheme of life. Why am I doing this to myself? And this is coming from somebody who often WINS … money. But is it really worth it if that’s how I going to feel on a Sunday afternoon?

Feelings of anger and sadness? Those are feelings for work days. Not weekends. But sports is ruining that.

Oh man … I look at my friends that don’t really follow sports .. and yes … I do think they’re kind of weird. But then they also get to live in this blissfully ignorant world where the behaviors of a bunch of millionaires on a field doesn’t affect them one way or the other. I’m startin’ to think that these doofuses have the right idea.

Was that a compliment?

Not really?

Oh well.

Moving on Diary … I could spend pretty much every entry for the rest of my life letting you know what’s wrong with social media, but today I will narrow it down to just one thing … Complaining about customer service.

Why do you people think that’s a good idea?

The other day … I ordered food. And I won’t say from where, but I will say that it was FAR below the success that they typically deliver.

And immediately one of my friends says, “What you need to do is go blow them up on social media!”

Ummmm … No! No I do not need to go do that! I’m not going to your ranty little cesspool of a website to complain!

“Ohhhh but everybody needs to know the TRUTH!”

You be quiet right now.

Here’s how adults handle this situation. You contact the place of business, with human words and voices, either in person or on a phone. You explain the situation … nicely … and then the situation gets fixed. THAT’S how it gets done!

Blabbing you whole story on Facebook is accusatory, doesn’t give the business a chance to make things right before you try to publicly shame them, and … is BORING!

Seriously the only thing more boring than listening to people complain about their fantasy football teams in a league that you don’t play in, is listening to people complain about their customer service experiences on social media.

“Oh and then they said this and they didn’t get it right.”

Don’t care! Your problem … not mine.

And who is this “they” that people always speak of? That’s all I ever hear … “They messed up my order. They didn’t call me back. They missed the time they were supposed to show up.”

Like there’s some secret government organization … “The Theys” … and they sit there and plot to themselves … “Hey how can we screw over Karen today when she orders her lunch? The Theys strike again!”

Quit your whining people. It doesn’t accomplish anything, and none of us wanna hear about it anyway.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

You’re No Expert

Dear Diary …

Where do I even start? I go on vacation for two weeks and it feels like the whole world has fallen apart. Every day you wake up and there’s a new terrible story in the news. And before you can even fully process that story … another one takes it’s place the next day.

It’s terrible … but what’s the solution? Honestly, I don’t know. But you know what else? Neither do you!

And by “you” I mean the person who sees the latest breaking news and immediately runs to social media to spew their opinion about it. No solutions … no discussion … just a one-sided rant about their own personal opinion.

In the last two weeks I see a lot posts from people who act like they’re an expert on all things legal, ethical, racial, and political … and yet and the same time here we all are, talking about “these are the two best candidates we can find to run for President?”

Well clearly it’s because the REAL experts have decided not to run for political office. Instead, they just keep their wisdom contained in ranty Facebook posts and Twitter attacks. That ain’t the solution.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again … it starts with respect … and we gotta do more of it toward each other. We don’t have to agree on everything … and really we SHOULDN’T agree on everything … but we gotta respect each other’s opinions if we’re ever gonna get anything done.

And if you think you got all the answers … great! Then do something with ‘em. Don’t sit around and tell other people what to do from your keyboard … go and do it yourself.

I’ve seen that a lot this past week with the Pokemon Go stuff … people posting …

“These Pokemon players should be doing better things with their time. They should be out there handing out water to homeless people on the streets that are thirsty.”

Um … don’t see you handin’ out no waters to no homeless people. So don’t be telling them what to do. How about you try leading by example first, and then we can see where it goes from there?

And really … I don’t get the whole making fun of the Pokemon Go players anyway. If they wanna do it … good for them. It’s not any worse than fantasy football or just wasting an hour watching funny videos on YouTube. And furthermore … Given the real life news all around us … it sounds much more appealing to me right now to bury my nose in my phone and try to find me Squirtle or a Pikachu.

To be clear … I looked those names up on the web. I don’t play. I can’t. I’m that loser that still plays Candy Crush. I’ll get hooked. And then … I’ll get divorced. And I’m way too cheap to wanna pay for no divorce. But if you can handle it, more power to ya.

Anyway … respect. Give more of it. Then you’ll get more of it. Then you’ll give some more, then you’ll get some more. That’s the kind of cycle we need to start. This is America … start actin’ like it.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Long Posts and the People Who Like Them

Dear Diary …

As you’re scrolling through your social media today … everything will be all hunky dory … Just your standard “Here’s a picture of my kid doing stuff” or “Here’s a little recap of the dinner I made.” Nice simple stuff. And then the evil phrase hits you …

“I don’t normally post long rants like this on Facebook, buuu.ut …”

Oh Lord.

First of all … yes you do … but whatever.

Second … [[SIGH]] … alright .. what is it that has SOOOOO wronged you? Or made you SOOOO upset????

Go ahead … hammer home whatever it is that you believe in that you’re soooo mad about because your kid’s teacher said something, or there’s somebody I’m supposed to vote for or against based on whatever it is you believe in.

You done yet? Cuz this is taking forever.

But here’s the thing Diary … I used to get mad at these people for their long, boring, ranty “pay attention to ME” posts. But then I realized … they’re not the problem. It’s the person who clicks “like” and comments on these posts … THEY’RE the problem because they encourage these people to post more things like this.

I’ve been mad at the wrong person. It’s not the poster … it’s YOU … the liker!

And it’s not just these long ranty posts … it’s also your fault that we get so many posts like “Just so tired trying to keep up with everything” because you post stupid things like “Keep your head up girl, you’re Supermom!” and that only encourages more posts like it.

Why do you think so many people update their profile pics with a new hoochie-mama selfie every other day? Because dodos like you immediately post “Ooooh … so SEXY!” Don’t you realize that this just gives them the taste of blood and makes them do it more and more?

Stop it!

That’s what needs to happen. You need to cut it out.

I can’t stop the poster … they’re gonna do whatever they want … but if you would just stop acknowledging these posts, I guarantee you they would go away.

So … I beg of you … call upon your willpower and resist the temptation.

The next time somebody in your life posts “Can’t go into detail … just having the worst day ever” … Resist the temptation to post “What’s wrong?” And on top of that, don’t send your prayer Army out for them either … keep those troops at home until they stop posting these cryptic cries for help! Only together will we get rid of all these posts.

You need to start thinking of Facebook as if it’s a scab. So stop pickin’ at it or it’s never gonna go away!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Seeing the Baby

Dear Diary …

I’m in trouble. Yup … big trouble. Me. Screwed.

I … am a TERRIBLE person! Why?

Because I know two different couples that have recently had a kid … and I … have not gone to “see the baby.”

Ooooh … Lock me up in Jerk Jail everybody … I’m the worst! Because I confess … I don’t really like “seein’ the baby.”

Look … I’m happy for these people. Congratulations … you guys are awesome! Isn’t that enough?

Why I gotta come over and look at the baby? Yep … there it is … it’s a baby. Ok now what?

And I know I sound like a 90’s sitcom talking about this … but I just don’t see why this is such a big deal. I mean … correct me if I’m wrong … but babies got wicked low immune systems and it’s really bad if they get sick when they’re this young. Right? So then why in the world are we exposing them to a parade of every single human we know? Going out into the germ-infested world and then coming in and touching all on the baby and talking all up to the baby.

And furthermore … babies … are boring! They can’t even hold up their own heads! What kind of fun is that? Yup … there he is … layin’ there.

I mean if I buy a new pair of shoes … I don’t expect you to come over and “see the shoes.” And shoes at least do stuff by being on my feet and looking all awesome … babies … again … just layin’ there.

And what’s the fascination with trying to get me to hold your baby? I’ll hold my own kids. But other people’s kids? Why???

I had a coworker once … got all mad at me. Brings her baby to work … “Hey Zack … wanna hold the baby.”

Nope. I’m good.

WHAT??? I can’t believe you don’t wanna hold my child!!!!

Nope. No thank you. Kinda Smells like diaper. I’m good.

See you in Jerk Jail!

OK … moving on Diary … Since it’s currently the time of year where everybody gets sick … I’d like to point out an observation.

People who say “I never get sick” are always the ones who get sick!

“I don’t normally get sick”

Well you are … and this is the fourth time in the last two months that you’ve been on Facebook whining about how your throat hurts and going back to this “I never get sick” thing that you’re always hanging your hat on. Guess what? You DO get sick! Accept it and move on!

It’s not even that I care that these poeple are sick. I care that they think they’re some sort of higher class of being that never gets sick.

Quit trying to act like you’re some sort of X-Man than doesn’t succumb to normal human germs. You get stick just like the rest of us.

And furthermore … STAY HOME! You’re gross!

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye

You Spoil Everything

Dear Diary …

Alright look … technology has changed the game in a lotta ways and we all just gotta adapt to it. You can’t necessarily do things the way you’ve always done things. And one such thing is watch television. Because the simple reality is … with DVR and on-demand or whatever … not everybody watches TV at the same time.

Some people might watch it an hour later … some people might watch it a day later. So with that in mind … I pass this message along to you … “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!” When you watch a show … like say “The Walking Dead” … where stuff goes down all the time … You need to STOP immediately running to Facebook and blabbing the details up and down the basketball court.

So of us … meaning “ME” … didn’t watch the episode right away when it was on on Sunday night. I like football … so I was watching that. I also like alcohol … so I was sleepy from enjoy that. I wanne record it and watch it later.

And I’m not asking you for much … I’m going to watch it the next day. You don’t have to zip it for a whole week or anything … not even two days … just ONE … FREAKING … DAY!

I just don’t understand why some people have this immediate urge to overshare every detail of their lives on Facebook. It’s bad enough that I gotta hear about your crappy ex husband or that pus-y boil that’s on your shoulder that you’re not sure if you should pop … now you gotta ruin TV for me too with stupid headlines like “OMG I can’t believe they killed Julio on the Walking Dead!”

And no … there ain’t no Julio on the Walking Dead … and I don’t know if they killed anybody or not because I’m busy trying to live in this ridiculous cone of silence so I can make it to the evening in order to watch this show without having anybody ruin it for me.

And it’s not just Facebook … the internet in general just LOOOVES to spoil things.

And they even do it by saying “SPOILER ALERT: Don’t click here if you don’t wanna know who died on the Walking Dead.” OK one … now you’ve already spoiled it if you say something like that. And two … what do they always do with that “Spoiler Alert” headline that’s supposed to protect you from the details? They put a picture of the character in question as the “here” for the “click here.” Gee I wonder what happened? Idiots.

And furthermore … what’s the point of even writing an article about it? The people who have already seen the show don’t wanna read it, because they already know what happened. And the people who DIDN’T see the show want nothing to do with it because it’s ruining everything!

And screw you Facebook for shoving it in my face … right there on the top of my feed. Trying to ruin everything. And even if you try to ignore the feed … it’s still “Hey … over here! Look down the sidebar to see what’s trending … HAHA gotcha!”

Can’t you all just be quiet for two seconds? Alright maybe a little bit longer … 24 hours … that’s all I’m asking for. You know how they say “Silence is golden?” Yeah … so go be all “golden” and stuff and shut your trap for one day.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Halloween Catalogs and Fake Outrage

Dear Diary …

Me and Halloween have a long dramatic history. Never liked Halloween. Even as a kid … I cried almost every year. Getting forced into costumes I didn’t wanna be in. Gettin’ dragged around town with a 102 degree fever. I didn’t really even like candy that much, so there wasn’t even THAT to fall back on. I’m probably the only kid in ‘Murica that still had a Halloween candy stash from LAST year when the new Halloween rolled around THIS year.

And of course I grow up and end up in probably the only adult profession on Earth where you still HAVE to dress up for Halloween every year. Sure, other adults do it for fun, but I HAVE to. It’s for work. And I get it … it’s God’s little joke. Ha ha ha.

But I’m evolved now … I’m past all that. OK … I’m NOT past all that. But I at least accept it for what it is and try to move on. And one good thing is now I can at least move on to a new phase of Halloween that I can actually enjoy … my children loving Halloween. That part is fun, because they LOVE Halloween. They talk about their costumes for MONTHS and are so excited once they pick them out.

So I think I’m safe … the demons of sucky Halloweens past can’t get ME no more! And then … the Halloween costume catalogs start showing up in the mail.

So yeah … I HAD two children that picked out their Halloween costumes and were all excited about it … my daughter ready to be a black cat, and my son all geeked out to be Batman … until they see this evil, retched propaganda machine. Oh I’m sorry … “Evil, EXPENSIVE, retched propaganda machine.”

Guess who don’t wanna be a black cat no more? That’s right … now she wants to be a butterfly. And not just any butterfly Diary, but a $160 butterfly from this catelog that has poisoned my home.

But … I thought you wanted to be a black cat? You know all pretty and “meow” … with the $11 we spent at Jo-Ann Fabrics and I don’t need to spend any more money … you wanna be that … right?

“I changed my mind!”

You didn’t change your mind … the evil Halloween Manifesto messed with your mind and made you want to buy things.

Now my son … he still wants to be Batman. So you think … “Phew! Dodged a bullet there!”


He wants to be Batman pictured in the catalog. Not Batman we’re borrowing from a friend for free that fits him perfectly.

“No … I want ‘DIS Batman in cag-glog!” … Yeah … $90 Batman in cag-log of course.

Why I didn’t just BURN that thing the second it touched my mailbox, I have no idea. Stupid Halloween!

OK … moving on Diary …

We need to all just chill out. And I know that seems like an obvious statement, but we just refuse to, and we still let every single thing get us “SO OFFENDED” and we must “PROTEST!” everything. It’s exhausting.

Like last week, people are all mad at the Call of Duty video game … you know … the military shooter game. So they got a new game coming out … and they also have a Twitter account. So from their account … cuz they think it’ll be a fun little promotion … they start Tweeting out fake news headlines that were actually just things that take place in the new video game. And yes, they were about things like war and terrorist attacks. But again … fake things that are happening in the video game.

So we take them in stride, right? Of course not! We fly off the handle … “How DARE you cause PANIC from your fake headlines!!!”

OK … chill out. Now while I may agree it probably wasn’t the best idea to do this, since clearly we over-react about everything … this simple fact does still remain … If you are getting your “news” from the username @CallofDuty on Twitter and you think it’s real … YOU ARE A MORON!!!

How about you spend … oh I don’t know … four seconds checking another source to verify what you read was real or fake before you go flying off the handle?

But no! We don’t do that. Instead, we immediately start blindly posting … “I hereby forbid Facebook from using my pictures and status updates in the future. So says this official-sounding status update thing that I cut and pasted from somebody else.”

Seriously … one second on Google and you’d know that was a hoax.

I know. “Check your facts” is a crazy suggestion.

I say it again … CHILL OUT.

This is why weed is getting legalized in this country … we’re too freakin’ high strung.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Kids Don’t Listen and FaceTime Stinks

Dear Diary …

I would say that this is a message for all kids listening to pay attention to, because I’m going to give them some words of wisdom that they can really use. However, I’m not going to say that.

Why? Because kids don’t listen! Not that they don’t listen to this show … they do that, and I’m glad they do. But words of wisdom? Children don’t care about those!

They already know everything, Diary. And further … They think that we parents … we don’t know nothin’.

Like take my son … he’s three. The other day, he’s doing this thing where he’s in the living room and he’s declared that the back of the living room chair is “his slide” and he’s going to sort of fall/jump off of his makeshift creation of his. It’s a game he calls “The Slide,” that I like to call “Trip to the Emergency Room.”

And I tell him … “Lennon, please don’t do that. You are going to fall and could really hurt yourself.”

“No I won’t!”

That is a kid’s response to everything … “No I won’t!” Well yes I know you don’t PLAN on falling and breaking your arm, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not going to happen. I mean … I say “I’m gonna eat healthy,” and then I polish off a half a pound of bacon. And Monica Brooks says things like “I’m not gonna get pregnant,” but doesn’t seem to be doing anything about it.

Anyway … What do you think happens next? He falls. Of course he falls! Because jumping off the back of a chair is a recipe for disaster. So he falls on the floor jams his little wrist on the ground and now he’s crying to me “Daddy my arm!” Well of course your arm you dummy! You didn’t listen to me, and now your arm hurts.

And here’s the kicker with these kids … Five minutes later he stops crying and he’s climbing right back up onto the back of the chair to do “The Slide” again. What is wrong with you?

Exactly how hard do you have to hit your head in order to knock some sense into it? So what do you think happens next? He falls again. Of course he falls again! Slams his butt on the ground. I’m not even going to pretend to care this time. “Ahhhh … WHY???” You know darn well why!

Look kids … I know you’re not gonna listen to me, but I’m gonna say it anyway. We parents aren’t as stupid as you may think we are. Nope …they’re not listenin’. Nevermind … just play the Whip and the Nene and call it a day.

OK … moving on Diary …

FaceTime. Or Skype. Or whatever video chat thing it is that you use.

That was always one of those technology Holy Grails back in the day. “Oh man … can you imagine if we ever have the technology to have live video chat … face to face … in real time? That’ll just be the best thing ever!”

Yeah well it’s here … and it’s not. I hate FaceTime. Cuz the problem is … nobody knows how to use it right.

For me … is supposed to be like a quick conversation … Like my mother lives in Massachusetts … “Hey wanna see the grandkids .. yup … there they are … OK bye!” That’s what FaceTime should be.

She, however, disagrees. She treats it like a regular phone call. Even though it is most definitely NOT a regular phone call. First of all … she just FaceTime calls. No warning … no “Hey can we FaceTime some time today?” sort of text. Just … [[ring]] … FaceTiming youuuuu.

No … you cannot FaceTime unannounced! I gotta be seen on this thing. What if I look terrible? Like … when she called … and I looked terrible. I need prep time to sit in my makeup chair and look good for the stupid video call.

And second … when I finally did do this call .. She talked to my 6 year old daughter for 28 minutes. Who talks to a 6 year old for 28 minutes on anything … let alone FaceTime?

I’m sorry, but I cannot have a 28 minute face to face conversation with any human on this planet. Ever. I have a medical condition where I am physically unable to refrain from rolling my eyes at you when you’re annoying me. And every single person on earth is guaranteed to annoy me within a 28 minute span. It’s medical! It’s not in the Americans with Disabilities Act yet, but it will be some day darnit!

On a phone, I can just do it. And you don’t know, and we can continue. FaceTime? You gotta see it. That’s not good for anybody involved.

Stupid FaceTime. That’s one of things where when you don’t have it, you THINK you want it, but then when you actually get it, it was a really bad idea. Like a threesome. “Aw yeah .. that’ll be GREAT … two chicks at the same time!” Next thing you know your wife don’t like you anymore and she’s running off to live with her sexy bisexual friend that just “knows me so much better than you ever could.”

Hope it was worth it!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.