Bouncy House Purgatory

Dear Diary …

We’re at that time of the year where there’s a lot of events going on … fun events with cool things to do, eat, and drink. And these events are, of course, always trying to do things to get you to come to them. That makes total sense. But with that in mind, I have a message for all of these events … and I think I speak for parents everywhere … Stop having bouncy houses at your events. We hate them!

I know you mean well when you do it, and you think “We’ll have a kids’ zone and it’ll have a bouncy house. Kids love bouncy houses!”

Yes … kids do love bouncy houses. That’s the problem … they love bouncy houses way too much.

So when you have them at your event … yeah you know all those other cool things you have going on? Well we parents don’t get to do any of them because we are trapped in bouncy house purgatory all day long.

I mean … have you ever in your life seen a child happily leave a bouncy house?

WAAAHHHHHHH!!!! BOUNCY HOUUUUUUUUSEEEEE!!!!!

Yeah … that’s more like it.

Cuz no child says, “Sure thing Mom and Dad, I’d love to stand next to you and do nothing while you enjoy the beer tent.”

Children don’t care about our happiness. We are just old fossils with wallets that can take them to bouncy houses and buy them ice creams.

“Oh it’s so sweet to see the innocence and happiness of a child.” Sure … of course they’re happy … Cuz that’s the only thing they care about. Your happiness? Pfffft … Take me to the bouncy house and shut your old mouth old man! Real easy to be happy when all you care about is you.

OK … Moving on Diary … Speaking of this time of year, it’s also a time where lots of people go on vacation. That’s awesome that we live in a county where many of us are able to do that. And if you are one of the lucky ones, I encourage you to do one thing when you go on vacation … Actually go and be on vacation. Cuz all you’re doing right now is posting on social media about your vacation.

“Waking up at the condo” … Here’s a picture.

“Breakfast on the porch” … Here’s a picture.

“Having a drink” … Here’s a picture.

I don’t know why these people feel like they gotta prove something to the rest of us.

Here’s a crazy idea … just sit there and actually enjoy your vacation. Because when all you’re doing now is excessively posting about your vacation, you’re not actually experiencing anything. And furthermore, you do realize that all you’re doing is rubbing it in to everybody you know who isn’t on vacation, right? Not to mention the fact that you’re freely advertising, “Hey really far away from home right now in case you wanna steal our television!”

Look vacationer … We already put up with two months of you counting down, 47 days till the beach … Now you’re gone, and we still have to hear about it! Shut it down and actually enjoy yourself.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Facebook the Sewer

Dear Diary …

Facebook is an amazing thing. It has revolutionized the way we communicate, and really has helped make the world become a better place. Oh who am I kidding? It’s a sewer! Like straight from the sewage treatment plant, festering full of every human germ of the world, and all the horrible things we say and do. It’s terrible!

Diary … I don’t even like talking to people, but Facebook has made even ME long for the days when all we did was talk face to actual human face, and not on some cesspool of a website that has become this place for everybody to spend all day whining and complaining about every little thing in their life.

And the biggest problem I have, is that it’s made people feel WAY too important. They think they’re like, Kings and Queens of their own little Kingdom … lording over their flock of dedicated Facebook friends.

Acting all important … like we’re all sooooo privileged to hear about your daily whining about your sinus infection, or about how one of Logan’s teachers was mean to him, or how it’s 32 days till your big beach trip.

Look … it’s fine if that’s the stuff you wanna post. I don’t care. The problem is that you THINK I care. That’s what always drives me nuts when I see this message …

“Just a did a big Facebook purge on my friends list. Congrats on making the cut.”

You know what? When I see that message, I’m actually BUMMED that I made the cut. And what are all of us supposed to say … those of us that made this magical cut?

“Oh thank you Lord of the Facebook for allowing me to still see your posts about how you wish it was Friday already and how you only got 3 hours of sleep last night. Rejoice to thee that I can be one of your chosen ones!”

Need I remind you that there’s only one true King … ME. King Zack. Nobody else.

So go ahead and post your little insignificant things. Just remember that’s exactly what they are … insignificant.

OK … moving on Diary …

The warm weather is finally creeping in, and soon we’ll be smack dab in the middle of the hot days of the summer time. So with that in mind, I offer everyone a piece of advice … especially men.

When inevitably somebody comes to your door … pizza guy, FedEx person, random kid selling coupon books for his school … can you please do us all a favor and put a shirt on before you open the door?

What sane person answers a door shirtless?

Immediately the whole normal balance of society and social interaction is thrown off. You have no shirt on!

I know you might be hot … but human beings put shirts on before they answer the door. Especially for strangers!

I really do feel for delivery people … the stuff they have to see .. stuff they don’t even wanna see … stuff they can’t un-see. Why are you doing this to them?

And they must be amazingly strong individuals, because how is it that we don’t hear more stories in the news like “Longtime pizza delivery guy decides he can’t take it anymore and stabs his own eyes out?”

I don’t care what anybody does in the privacy of their own home. Sit around shirtless … smoke weed … marry a goat … whatever. As long as it don’t affect me, then I don’t care. But when you cross that plane … the doorway of your house … that’s the threshhold to the outside world and society. Put a dang shirt on!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Best ______ Ever

Dear Diary …

I start this week with a warning, because this is a cautionary tale of trust, and how most people don’t really deserve yours. Here’s the deal … I fashion myself a bit of a foodie. I like food … I like eatin’ it. And I like makin’ it.

So as someone who makes food, I’m always on the lookout for delicious new recipes to try. Enter the internet … which is a phenomenal place to find recipes. In theory. The problem being, you don’t know the person on the other end. Much like when you think you’re having sexy chats with a pretty young lady, and turns out that lady is an ugly old dude with a porn-stache who’s got a thing for catfishing unsuspecting men like yourself. That’s what you actually get. So I’ve HEARD of course, because I would NEVER use the internet for naughty things. That’s just … um … wrong or something.

But back to the recipes …

Here’s the wisdom I pass along to you …

Any recipe that is titled “Best ____ Ever” or “Easiest _____ Ever” … anything like that … RUN AWAY! It stinks!

And here’s how you know it stinks … they say it’s the best. Because we can all agree … we got a lotta dumb people in this world … right? Probably more dumb people than there are smart people. So why in the world would we listen to their opinions? They’re dumb! So if they think it’s the “Best Lasagna Ever” … it ain’t. These are paste-eaters we’re talking about here, so clearly they have no taste. They eat paste!

You must get your recipes from a trusted source. And that trusted source is very rarely Pinterest. That place is just chock full of dingalings making lousy food and trying to pass it off as the “Best Ever.”

But I’m a sucker, and I keep going back. Lately I’m on this kick of making things that go in jars … hot sauces, simple syrups, pickles … stuff like that. So I see “Easiest Dill Pickles” ever. Oh and course they say “they are sooooooo delicious.” Excessive use of the letter “O” in their “soooooo” should’ve been a simple tipoff for me, but I dive in anyway.

And what do I end up with Diary? The nastiest jar of pickles I’ve ever tasted in my life. I open this thing … I kid you not … It smells like a horrible combination of dill and farts. And that’s what it tastes like too … Dill pickle farts. Horrible!

But it’s my own fault for trusting this goofy recipe in the first place. Lousy Pinterest … nothin’ but a bunch of wanna-be food bloggers coming up with their craptastic recipes thinkin’ they’re gonna be the next Rachel Ray. Out you go, Pinterest! Trust noone!

OK … Moving on Diary …

When I am King … as you know there are gonna be sweeping changes … and here’s another one to add to the list …

You know those signs on the highway that tell you the restaurants that are at the next exit? Well they are gonna be required by Zackmerica law to put in BIG writing how far away that restaurant is from the exit.

Yeah … I know they do it when you get OFF the exit, but you’re already committed at that point, so they got you trapped. And I’m done gettin’ trapped.

On my last road trip I pull off to get something … and the place is 3.7 miles away. I’m sorry, but that don’t count as “right off the exit.” And furthermore, I kept track, cuz I was mad, and it was 4.1 miles. So they LIED even!

Hooked and me and got me all ready for a cheeseburger, then dangled that thing in front of my face like donkey and a carrot for 4 stinkin’ miles.

Well no more of this in Zackmerica! You WILL put your distance on the sign BEFORE the exit. And anything over two miles … you ain’t even gettin’ on the sign, cuz you’re too far away! Don’t like it … move closer to the road. The end.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Conversation Fishing

Dear Diary …

I’m speaking out today against fishing.

Now I don’t mean that activity where people throw a worm in a lake and try to catch a fish. I’m cool with that kind of fishing.

Granted … I don’t really like to bait a hook. Nasty little worm all wiggling around, and I definitely don’t wanna take no floppy fish of a hook. Looking at you all wide-eyed … HHHHGGGGHHHHHHGGGG … Help me! Ew.

I don’t know what is, but I just don’t like touching ‘em when they’re on the hook. I’ll take a dead fish from the grocery store and filet the whole thing myself. Rip the guts out. Not care. But when they’re all floppy and slimy and HHHHGGGGHHHHHHGGGG. Gross!

Anyway … like I said … it’s not that fishing. That’s regular fishing. I mean who doesn’t like to concept of “Sit around and drink until your food shows up on a stick?”

I’m talking about “Conversation Fishing.”

I don’t know if you noticed Diary, but we live in a desperate society where people are constantly begging for attention. Look at ME! Pay attention to ME! Follow ME on Instagram! Click like on MY Facebook post!

Facebook is far and away the worst place for conversation fishers, cuz they love to post things like “Well this day couldn’t get any worse.”

That’s it … no details … just this pathetic cry for help.

And it’s not even them I’m mad at the most, it’s you people that feed into their little egoes and say things like “Oh no … I’m here for you” … “Sending prayers.”

Stop it! Don’t encourage them! That’s what they want you to do.

“Oh I can’t really talk about it right now”

Well then don’t bring it up in the first place! And again … the rest of you are the fish. And your whiny friend just dangled the worm out there, and you opened your big ol’ fish mouth and … yoink … they hooked ya.

And it’s not just Facebook … conversation fishers will pull this crap in real conversations too.

My mother pulls it all the time. Where she’ll be sitting there, reading her emails or whatever, and then she’ll just out of nowhere say …

“Well that’s a problem”

Sigh … What’s a problem?

“Oh … since you asked …”

I did not ask! You made me ask!

Look … if you got information to share … just share it. And if you bring it up … you better share it. Facebook fishers will always pull that “Well I can’t give details right now … please respect my privacy.”

You brought it up in the first place!

My wife left me hanging in a real life conversation. She’s looking at something on her phone and does that “Hahaha! That’s funny!”

… And then nothing … just walks away

Hey … you get back in here and you tell me what’s funny!

But really the take-home here is it’s on us … the fish. We need to stop taking the bait. When our downer friends post their narcissistic little head games on Facebook … leave ‘em out there … flappin’ in the wind … like an old man’s saggy undercarriage. I apologize for the horrible imagry, but it’s the only way to get us to learn and get the fishermen to go away.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Statements That Are Never True

Dear Diary …

Today, let me present to you a segment I call “Statements That Are Never True.” These are things that lots of people say that they may THINK are true, but if you examine them at their core, are always a lie.

Here’s one … The statement “I have a funny story.”

In my experience, the person who says “I have a funny story,” delivers a funny story zero percent of the time. You wanna know why? Because humor is subjective, so it’s up to ME to decide it’s a funny story. When you tell me ahead of time it’s a funny story, I’m already trying to figure out the ways it ISN’T a funny story. Which is usually pretty easy, because people who tell funny stories don’t like to let you know ahead of time, because part of what makes them funny is to catch you off guard with the funny parts.

And while we’re on the topic of humor, the statement “I have a really good sense of humor” is always said by someone who has a terrible sense of humor. These are those losers that are easily offended by everything on Earth, and their fall back is always “I have a good sense of humor… BUUUUUUT ….” Yeah .. no buts. Either you know how to laugh at the world or you don’t. And you don’t.

Continuing on with statements that are never true …

“I don’t normally post things like this on Facebook” is always following by something really annoying that you ALWAYS post on Facebook.

“Let me just get on my soap box for a minute”

Girl … you LIVE on that soap box. I’d like you to step off it for a minute for once in your life!

Statements that aren’t true: “I’m not crazy”

Cuckoo!!!!

Then there’s “I’m smart!”

I got news for you … you’re not!

Because SMART people keep that to themselves. They want to use their intelligence to their advantage, so the less you know about it, the better their advantage. Only dodos announce it … “I’m smart!” Yeah … sure you are, doofus. You go back in your cage now and come out when the grownups are done talking.

The take home? Think before you speak. Because we all know you’re full of crap most of the time.

OK … moving on Diary …

We are right in the middle of cold and flu season. I know this, because I hear the slurping and snorting of my two children all … the … time.

Why can’t kids figure out how to blow their nose?

They just sit there … with those boogers … just hanging out in there. Gettin’ all dry and hard. And growing. Like they’re building a home with their booger wives and booger kids.

That’s love right there by the way, because when you become a parent nobody tells you you gotta pick the boogers out of a five year-old’s nose. Sure, you figure you gotta go it when they’re a baby. But five years old? Blow that snot outta there!

They just don’t know how to blow. You give ’em a tissue …

“I can’t do it!”

Blow!

Nnnngggghhhhhh

BLOW!!!!

And the boogers are the size of hamsters by the time you dig ‘em outta there.

“It hurts!”

No crap it hurts. You got a booger that’s been living in your nose for 8 days. Get that thing outta there!

Yeah … this is the stuff they don’t tell you in no “parenting book” from these so called “experts.”

(Oh … enjoy your breakfast by the way.)

Till next time Diary … I say .. Goodbye.

3 Things You Do On Facebook That Make People Hate You

Dear Diary …

I’m all about the helping … I give till it hurts. And today … oh it’s gonna hurt. You. But it’s good pain, like “feel the burn” exercise pain. You’re gonna feel better in the long run when I help fix you.

Now there’s all kinds of people in this world that call themselves “Social Media Experts.” They come up for a name for their company (that’s just them), and they print out some businesses cards, and then charge businesses to sit down and teach them “How To Post on Facebook.” Then they charge ‘em like a thousand dollars and move on to the hosting a seminar called “Tweet Your Way to Social Media Engagement” or whatever the blah blah blah it is that they do.

But you know what? You’re not a business, and you don’t have a thousand dollars. AND … I fancy myself as a bit of an expert, so I’m gonna give you some advice to make you better at Facebook. For free!

Today’s lesson is called … “Three Things You Do On Facebook That Make People Not Like You.’

Obviously the message here of all this is … “Stop doing those things and people won’t hate you so much.”

OK … class in session.

The first thing you do on Facebook that makes people not like you is what I call “The Play By Player” … This is the person who sits down to watch a sporting event, and also feels the need to post something about every single detail of said sporting event ALL GAME LONG.

I also call you “Facebook Ebola,” because you’re just a virus that takes over my feed … pushing everything else out of the way and instead infecting me with nothing but posts like “That was holding!” and “First Down … Tes!”

How am I supposed to even respond to these things? I had one in my feed on football Sunday this week that just said “Dang!” What was the context of this “dang?” … Dang good? Dang bad? And since I don’t see everything real time … when was this dang? An hour ago?

So you see where this is useless blathering that noone knows what to do with?

And here’s the kicker … there are plenty of social media sites where this is exactly what they want you to do. There’s probably even other people watching the same game as you. So now you can say things like “That was holding!” and they can say “I know … It was holding! HTTR! HTTR!!”

Do it there! You’re doing it in the total wrong place and you’re gummin’ up the works for the rest of us.

OK … let’s move on to the second thing you do on Facebook that makes people not like you … I call this “Pathetic Ol’ Me.” You’re the one who spends all your time posting sad and whiny things, and we … your friends … we don’t know how to react.

Here’s one I just saw …

“I have the worst headache of my life today.”

Ummmmmmm …. Like?

How does anyone respond to this? It’s just … there.

Here’s my advice to “Pathetic Ol’ Me” … Pretend you’re having an actual conversation with real live humans …

“Hey Bill … how are you?”

“Terrible! My head is literally going to explode from all the mucus buildup in my sinuses!”

NO! You would not say that! And if you would actually say that … then don’t talk to real live humans!

Point is … quit being so darn depressing all the time. You’re bringin’ the rest of us down!

What happened to the good ol’ days when people hid all their problems and ailments and pains and lied to the world and pretended things were great? I miss THOSE days!

Finally … the third thing you do on Facebook that makes people not like you is what I call “Robot Parent” … because you are no longer you … You are just some robot that [[[Robot voice]]] “Only posts about my children. Nothing about myself because I don’t exist.”

You don’t even have a profile picture of yourself anymore. Instead it’s your kid wearing a funny hat.

What are you, dead? Can’t you be a parent AND an individual at the same time?

The answer by the way is “YES”

And we … your friends … we miss you. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m not really friends with any five year olds. They can’t even get into bars … what good is that? I like being friends with grownups. That’s why I’m friends with growups on Facebook and not children.

Of course you can share pictures and details about your kids. But we also want you to be you, not some robot that used to be you. It
It’s called “balance.” Have some!

OK … lesson over. Now stop doing these things so we can all like you more.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

When Stuff Breaks

Dear Diary …

As anyone who owns a house knows … there’s always one guarantee of ownership … stuff is gonna break. All the time. It just is. No matter what you do or don’t do … no matter how old or new your house is … things are still gonna break and need to be fixed.

But today … A-HA! … I think I might have the solution and things will NEVER break again in your house. I know … this is unbelievable, but I think I’ve unlocked the secret. And here it is …

If you are the man of the house … never leave the house. It’s that simple.

Cuz what I’ve learned is that things only break in the house when I’m not home. I know this because I … like every other man on Earth … find out about things being broken when our wives call us to let us know that things are broken.

Diary … I’m telling you right now … nothing’s ever broken in my home when I’ve been there. Roof’s never leaked, pilot light’s never gone out, pipes never “make that funny noise” … I only hear about those things in phone calls from my wife.

Just last week … “Um … the television picture is broken. There’s sound … just no picture. I don’t know WHAT happened … I didn’t touch ANYTHING!”

Yep … I know what happened … I left. And furthermore … ladies … I’m not blaming you. (OK I’m blaming you.) But I’m just trying to understand … how does this stuff always happen when the dude isn’t home and it’s just poor, innocent you, victim of the evil collapsing house? You see how this looks from the outside, right? I mean, it can’t just be the most amazing coincidence in the history of mankind that things only break when you’re there. Can it?

I’m not mad … I’m just confused. Does the house hate you? Or are you just breaking stuff on purpose to get new stuff? Just give us the truth!

OK … moving on Diary …

Here’s something I’d like to put an end to on Facebook. OK … really I’d like to put an end to Facebook, but I know that ain’t happening. (At least not yet)

Anyway … what I’d like to put an end to today are the people who take insignificant events and try to celebrate them as actual events. And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, here’s an example … saw this one in my feed the other day … and I’ll keep you anonymous, but you know who you are … you’re the one who said …

“Today is officially three months away from the one year anniversary of me and my amazing girlfriend. I love her SO much!!”

Awww … that’s so cute. THAT’S NOT AN EVENT!

That’s a countdown to an event … in three months. That’s the event!

“Big day today … this proud Mommy is celebrating one month until little Mellman’s second birthday.”

Again … not an event. Also, I know Mellman isn’t an actual name … but if I say “Logan” then Logan’s Mommy gets mad at me, so we’ll stick with Mellman.

Hey … you wanna celebrate Mellman’s second birthday? Great! But that’s for the actual birthday. The countdown to the birthday? Not an event!

I hate to break it to you, but we do not care that it’s 17 days till you leave for the beach … Or 11 more weeks until it’s 6 days after the first date you had with your husband of 4 years, but not the anniversary which is 14 days from that October we went to Myrtle Beach together but still a month and a half before he decided to finally pop the question. Don’t care!!!

The event is the event … the countdown is for you to quietly do in your own head. Shhhhh!

Till next time Diary … which is 7 days away from the one week anniversary of the last time I wrote in you … I say … Goodbye.