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Dear Diary …

I’ve had it with tall people. Y’all gots to go.

And I know what you’re gonna say …

[high pitched and whiny] “WHY???? We can’t control it”

Actually … let me give it more of a tall people voice …

[deeper] “Why? We can’t control it”

That might be the case … but I don’t see any of y’all crouching down to get out of the way either.

Because what I see instead when I go to a concert … and specifically I’m talking about a concert with no seats … you’re all just in there together … fighting for position …

All I see … Is your head. Your big ol’ head … rising above everybody else’s …

And typically that head is located directly in front of me. I don’t know what it is … these gigantors always seem to find me and plop their Abominable Snowman selves right in front of me.

And I know we’re all about inclusion and accepting everybody … so fine … I accept you … ridiculously tall person … but you’re gonna just need to have your own area. You don’t get to hang out with the rest of us regular sized people … because you don’t operate with any “gigantor awareness.”

Like why you standing right in the middle of the crowd and up at the front? You’re blocking at least a hundred people behind you with your skull. Ain’t there a wall somewhere you can stand up against? You don’t need to be that close … you can see just fine a little further back … you know … like a giant bird on a perch or whatever.

But noooooo …. You gotta stand there in the way, “I wanna stand here.” No crouchin’ … no slouchin’ … just towering over everyone else. And usually rubbin’ it in … last show I went to … trapped behind a woman who was at least 6’2” or 6’3” … AND … she had big thick boots on that added a couple more inches … AND … was standing on her tiptoes … AND jumping up and down as high as she could … over and over again.

Sorry all you Groots out there … you need your own “tall people section” or something … cuz the rest of us are sick of the back of your head.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Dear Diary …

You know how they say “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned?” Now I will agree … that’s a situation I don’t wanna be in where scorned lady is mad at me, but I’ll take it over another experience. Because the true phrase of misery should be, “hell hath no fury like a child who is expecting a package in the mail and it hasn’t arrived yet.”

You wanna talk about agony!! And not for them and their impatient little brains, for YOU while you have to deal with the constant … “It’s not here yet … when is going to get here?”

I DO NOT CONTROL THE UPS DELIVERY SCHEDULE!!!

“Yeah but it says it will be delivered today.”

OK well it’s 2pm … so today is not over yet.

“Well what time will it be here?”

I am not the wizard of package tracking!!!! I don’t know. Don’t ask!

Man … don’t you miss the good ol’ days of when you were actually excited for mail? When I was a kid … oh there was no greater joy than an envelope with your name on it. You saw that mailman comin’ and you were excited.

Now? I want him off my property because anything with your name on it is either a bill or a coupon for new gutters. Hooray!

There’s so many differences between being a kid and being an adult. Like … if I’m eating a meal, and I say “oooof … man … I am STUFFED.” You know what that means? It means I am stuffed and I don’t need any more food.

But last night when my son pushes his plate away and says, “Man I’m stuffed,” the next step is to the freezer to get himself a BIIIIIG bowl of ice cream.

I thought you said you were stuffed?

“Yeah but this is dessert.”

I don’t care if it’s dessert … and I really don’t even mind if you eat it, but don’t lie to me like I’m some kind of dodo that actually believes you when you say you’re full. I’m quite certain, so kid under the age of 12 has ever correctly used the phrase “I’m full” in the history of time. Because what they actually mean is “I don’t want to eat any more of this healthier food you’re trying to give me … I want brownies now.

So just say that … at least that way I don’t feel like you’re trying to dupe me as the oblivious parent who falls for your line of deception. Just say that you want dessert!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Dear Diary …

I don’t know why we do it, but we lie to ourselves ALL the time. And I’m not going to sit here and act like I don’t do it, because that in itself would be a lie. I’m just as guilty of going to the gym, and if I’m there all by myself … “well maybe I only do nine of this exercise instead of ten.”

But then … I’ll still write down 10. Why? I know I didn’t do 10, and the only person I’m lying to is myself. Ain’t nobody else readin’ this list.

And you do it too … like when you went to the grocery store last week right before it was gonna snow and you said, “Well I’m only here because I actually NEED groceries … it’s not because of the snow.” LIAR! Any of us could totally live off the food sitting in our house right now for at least a week. You might be eating ketchup packets by Saturday, but you’d still be alive.

But instead … I saw all you hoarders stocking up on milk and bread when I was at the store, because … you know … like I actually NEEDED groceries … oh hell.

See? Nobody ever says … “Yeah I don’t really even need anything, but I was driving by and figured I’d take all the milk and bread with me.”

Just like nobody ever says “Yup … that’s me … the guy who hangs out in the left lane driving too slow and refuses to pull over,” or “Oh yeah … I’m totally the one who throws out all the tupperware lids so you can never find the ones that match.”

Liars! All of us!

OK … moving on Diary … mind your business. Why are we so obsessed with what somebody else does, or says, or wears, or whatever else? If it doesn’t change your day, then why do you even care? Somebody you don’t know does something that doesn’t effect you at all … and yet somehow that bothers you because it doesn’t agree with some list of do’s and don’t’s you have in your head?

Mind your business!

Also … if I post “Happy Birthday” to somebody on Facebook … don’t be moochin’ off my post and commenting with “Oh yeah Happy Birthday from me too!”

Get your own post! I don’t need you layin’ all over mine! I mean really what you’re saying is … Your post showed up in my feed and I realized it was your birthday, but I’m just too lazy to actually click on their profile and say anything, so I’ll just put “HBD” here instead.

Mind yo’ bidness!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Dear Diary …

You wanna live, right?

Exactly! We all wanna be healthy and not die … so why they gotta make it so dang hard to do?

And you’ll get shamed into it all the time … “oh you’re really supposed to go to the doctor and make sure you have regular checkups.”

OK sure … no problem … so let’s go ahead and book a physical

“Oooh … sorry … the doctor only does one physical appointment a day and he’s booked until the summer.”

Fantastic!

And God forbid you actually try to get some sort of procedure done. “Ooooh sorry … Insurance doesn’t cover that.”

But I need it to live?

Yeah but not THAT bad … so like … you know …. Deductible and stuff. Thanks for paying two thousand dollars a month by the way!

And here’s what I can’t understand … if you have kids … It’s crazy easy to get them in to the doctor. My kids’ doctor is open on Saturday … Sunday … … you don’t need an appointment … you can call them after hours and talk to the doctor on call.

Meanwhile, any grown up doctor works three days a week and has two hours in the middle of the day where they close for lunch.

OK no offense to children … but this is backwards … they’re young and the bones all heal on their own and stuff when they’re broken … they need less access to the doctor. We’re old! We’re falling apart! We need those appointments!

They’ll figure it out. And if they’re lucky enough to make it to 40, THEN they can go to the doctor more often.

Moving on Diary … this is petty and nitpicky … ok look … this is the Anger Diary it’s all petty and nitpicky … but this is just dumb.

So I have a Pinterest page. Yes … that’s right … I’m like to only adult male on earth with an active Pinterest page. Whatever. I use it to save recipes. I don’t care if you follow it or not … it’s for me to figure out what to make for dinner.

But here’s what I don’t understand … every time I go to the app it shows me all my pins in a setting called “compact” where all the posts are scrunched down and you can’t see anything. So I have to change the setting … to “default.”

That’s right … I have to go in and manually change it to “default” which BY THE DEFINITION OF THE WORD implies that it is the setting that everything should DEFAULT too!!!! But default isn’t default … compact is default … AND YET IT’S NOT!!!!

And I am aware … it takes me one second to change it, but that’s one second of my life I am never getting back, and one second closer to death that I’m not stopping because I CAN’T GET IN TO THE DOCTOR!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Dear Diary …

Let me just start by stating something for the record … actually … that’s what I want to talk about … “the record.” Why do people say this?

“Let me just state for the record…”

The record? Where are we? Court?

You got one of them ladies sitting in the corner with the glasses on those chains who uses that goofy little half typewriter thingie? Is she the one keeping the record?

Do we think there’s some sort of Hall of Records that logs every boring conversation everybody has and makes sure that “the record” clearly states your opinion on things?

That’s definitely a job I don’t want to be in charge of … “Well it appears that on March 3rd, 2017 Steve had an argument with his wife and he stated ‘for the record’ that she did not look fat in those pants.” Good thing we documented that!

You know what else we don’t have? Official and unofficial statements.

I had a roommate in college who would do this. One day … in the middle of February … when winter was still being all dumb and cold he says, “That’s it! I am officially sick of winter!”

Well that is just fantastic to hear, Matt! I’ll be sure to give Mother Nature a heads up that you were unofficially sick of it yesterday, but now that it’s official, I have no doubt that the spring blooms will begin tomorrow!

Honestly I’m not sure why most people talk, because everything they say is ridiculous.

Think of all the times in your life when somebody says, “well if you ask me…”

And what do all of those instances have in common?

NOBODY ACTUALLY ASKED THEM ANYTHING!

They’re the ones who start the conversation! “Well if you ask me…”

Actually I had no plans of doing that … SO YOU OPINION NEED NOT BE SPOKEN RIGHT NOW! And if I do want your opinion … I WILL ASK YOU!!!

And I’m not immune to all this stuff … like when I start talking to somebody and I say “Yeah so…”

What am I saying yes to? We weren’t talking before I opened my mouth, and yet I act like I’m following up on something that was just said. Only problem is … the only conversation that was going on was the one inside my head … and yet here I am like a dummy, responding to my own inner thoughts.

This is why I prefer texting … we stink at talking anyway.

Till next time Diary … I say … (officially) … Goodbye.

Dear Diary …

Today I’m going to help protect you by exposing some of the biggest scammers in the world … Old People. Yeah that’s right … old people are running more scams than the Prince of Nigeria!

And what’s wild about it is that old people get scammed themselves ALL THE TIME … you’d think they’d be smart enough not to fall for such shenanigans since they are such big shenanigan creators in the first place!

They run all sorts of scams … the biggest and most legendary one is the one I’ve mentioned many times before … the “Oh Is This the Line?” scam. They LOVE to pull this one when there’s a big ol’ line, and they just wander to the front of it, acting all confused … “Oh is this the line?”

Yes Gertrude … this is the line. You’ve been standing in lines since you got here at the Statue of Liberty … you know exactly what a line looks like!!! And they do it because they just figure that you’re gonna let them stay there because they’re old or you’re too afraid to say anything and then you have been scammed.

Here’s another one they run … it’s the “I don’t understand this new fangled way of doing something.” Straight up lie! They totally understand how to do whatever it is … they just want to act like they don’t so YOU have to do it for them.

My mother used to pull this all the time when she would make me go to the mall to buy stuff for her because “I never go to the mall.” Look lady … none of us go to the mall … until we NEED something from the mall. Then … we go to the mall!

Same with online shopping. “Oh I don’t shop online … can you pick these things up for me on Amazon?” But you DO shop online … if I’m getting it for you, then YOU are online shopping!

Another one to look out for is the “I don’t trust something” scam. Again … just another excuse to make things more convenient for them and WAY less convenient for you.

“Oh well I don’t trust online banking.” Yes … of course … Fortune 500 companies use online banking every single day and uber rich people like Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk do the same … but yes … all the hackers in Russia are waiting … just waiting for that one random 62 year old to finally use online bill pay in Southwest Virginia. You’re totally the target they’ve been waiting for their entire hacker lives!

I mean I know why you do it … seven years ago you got suckered into buying way too many checks from that little coupon in the Val-Pak and now you’re just trying to use up all 10,000 of your kitty cat checks. Plus, you also know people like me forget to cash checks all … the … time … so you know there’s also a really good chance you’ll get to stiff me for the money you owe me.

Just get a Venmo and get over yourself!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Dear Diary …

This is one of my favorite weeks … Thanksgiving. You know me … I love food. And this is the day dedicated to food!

Not only that, but it’s also the day that isn’t dedicated to any gifts. So none of the added chores and bills of Christmas … just the food. Not to mention a football tripleheader … so this is perfect.

So with that in mind, I want Thanksgiving to be the best it can possibly be, so I offer all of you one piece of wonderfully helpful advice. And I say this in the most loving and caring way possible … just … shut … UP.

And I get it … “shut up” is a strong term … lot of us don’t like using it and we tell our kids not to say it, but I feel like “please be quiet” doesn’t get my point across strongly enough that y’all need to shut up.

Why you talking on Thanksgiving? This is the time to celebrate a delicious bounty of food, drink, and football … not a time to lean into ANY of your political beliefs. That’s what Facebook’s for … go be angry over there.

And it’s not just talking about things like that … don’t talk about the food. Don’t be that person that’s all “well when I was growing up, we didn’t do it that way” or “maybe you should carve the turkey this way.” Shut up! Not your house … not the time. You don’t like it? Don’t come. Stay home and you can do it YOUR way every single time.

And I don’t need your bombshell announcements either! Look … you can sleep with whomever you want, or drop out of college, or get a divorce, or tell off Uncle Reggie for being a piece of crap … just don’t do it at the Thanksgiving table!

Who in their right mind thinks … “Look at this wonderful meal that took all day to prepare and celebrates thanks and love … Hey you know what? Let me ruin it by making a big unpleasant announcement nobody sees coming!”

Man … there’s a LOT of Tuesdays on the calendar that already stink because they’re Tuesday. Do it then while we’re standing around and eatin’ leftover pizza over the sink. That’s unpleasant bombshell time!

So look … I know you got all them feelings bottled up in side and you just wanna get ‘em out … so kindly remember these three little words … just … shut … UP! Ruin Flag Day … ain’t nobody worried about Flag Day poppin’ off smoothly. Go over there.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Dear Diary …

Can we just all come together and agree that “small talk” should be made illegal? Nobody wants to have, it’s all relatively painful, and the whole experience is just a colossal waste of time. Even the name … SMALL talk … nobody wants to be small. Puny, tiny little talk. Let’s just get rid of it.

And yes, maybe it would fine as a way to break the ice with somebody, but y’all don’t even know how to small talk correctly.

Diary … over the weekend, I decided to put up my outdoor Xmas lights. So I’m out there will all my supplies … lights … decorations … extension cords … all of it. And do you know what was THE most popular question asked to me by just about anyone that walked by?

“So … you puttin’ up Christmas lights?”

Noooo … I’m just a fan of light up reindeer and candy canes. OF COURSE I’M PUTTING UP CHRISTMAS LIGHTS YOU DING DONG!

So not only are you wasting my time … time with something I don’t really even wanna be doing and am trying to get over with as soon as possible … you’re filling it with dumb statements that are barely even a question!

Why do people think that stating the obvious is a conversation starter anyway?

Think of all the times you go to the grocery store to get supplies for a cookout … burgers, buns, ketchup, charcoal … I guarantee the next thing somebody will ask you is … “You havin’ a cookout?”

It’s July 3rd and I’m buying two dozen cheeseburgers … WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Oh and just to go back to the Christmas lights for a second … why is everything 10 times more complicated than it needs to be? I bought this goofy string of candy canes that you can use to line your walkway … so they’re all attached by one cord. I think, “OK great … this should be easy.”

Buy nooooo … every single candy cane also needs to be tied to each other by some tiny piece of wire, that you then have to try to stuff inside every single candy cane once you get them apart so they don’t look stupid. Took me 45 minutes just to do that … for something that didn’t even need to exist in the first place.

And a Merry Christmas to you too!

But hey … they’re up now … and I totally understand now why lots of people leave em up until March. Cuz I don’t wanna go back out there any time soon either.

Till next time Diary … I say …. Goodbye

Dear Diary …

Last week I made a declaration in the house … we … are going to have … more healthy snack options!

If I’m being honest, I may have just had a little bit of a hissy fit with the kids over their snacks, but I was sick of it. Dang kids will go thru a box Cheezits in a day … bag of Takis in like an hour. Shoot we bought a bag of these peanut butter chocolate things … gone in less than 24 hours.

I looked at the package … ten servings. TEN! And while I disagree with those dumb serving size suggestions, that’s still way too many. Plus … I didn’t get none! No fair!

So I made the decision … that … is IT. When I go to the store this week I shall be purchasing … healthy snacks. You don’t like it? Too bad … you don’t buy or pay for the groceries … so eat a piece of celery and be quiet.

So Diary … I am here to report as we go thru our first week of healthy snack options … it stinks. I hate it!!! Man these snacks suck. Handful of nuts … piece of celery … carrots … BOOOO!!! What am I? Some kind of animal in a petting zoo?

And I don’t care what anybody says … these snacks don’t fill you up. They just leave you sad and unfulfilled … like eating soup for dinner and trying to claim it’s a meal. [[Hey Monica!]]

And it is just dang disrespectful by God to create us … then create all these wonderful foods .. and then tell us not to eat ‘em and we’re gonna die and to go eat quinoa instead. Quinoa is even spelled all stupid … how dare you do this to us!

Also … Diary … when it comes to delicious and unhealthy things … there is no bigger downer on earth then when that unhealthy treat isn’t as good as it should be. I had a burger recently … cold. Cheese wasn’t even melted.

So now … here I am eating this underwhelming burger (and yes I ate it because it’s still better than kale) … but now I’m getting all the bad food calories … but none of the bad food enjoyment. Again … BOOO!!!

And and one more thing God … yeah I’m talkin’ to you … cuz I know you’re listening right now …

Why are burgers like two bites less than they should be? Every time I eat a wonderful and delicious burger, it’s always done and … mmm … I want like two more bites. And not a second burger or a second patty or whatever … that’s too much. Just two more bites. Is that too much to ask??

And don’t tell me just to get another burger and only eat two bites of it, cuz you and I know that ain’t never gonna happen. I’ll eat myself grossly full before I let that meat go to waste!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye