Category: What’s wrong with you?

These Kids Today

Dear Diary …

I’m gonna help you out today … because sometimes we don’t realize what other people think about us. And I assume you don’t wanna look like a idiot to other people, right? So … allow me to help.

If you say this phrase … “These kids today … they just don’t wanna work!”

You are a fool. And you look like a whiny old dinosaur to other people.

There … you’re welcome!

And I know you’re gonna come back at me and say, “But it’s true! This young generation is lazy and they don’t have any desire to put in an honest day’s work.”

Now first of all … you’re right. It IS true. Of course “young people today” don’t wanna work, because “young people yesterday” didn’t wanna work either. And I’m gonna blow your mind here a little bit, but YOU WERE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE! We were ALL one of those people.

What 22 year old really wants to just buckle down and focus real hard on their job and career?

Shoot … I don’t wanna work NOW and I’m old, but I definitely didn’t wanna work when I was “the younger generation.”

When I was a teenager I worked at the grocery store … and if they sent me to the back rooms to do something I would go do it. And then just sit there. And sit there. And basically just wait until somebody paged me. Sometimes it would be like an hour.

Why? Cuz I didn’t wanna work.

Work sucks! That’s why they call it “work?” All I cared about was figuring out how to leave as quickly as possible and what place had the Happy Hour with the cheapest drinks so I could drink 9 of ‘em and forget my lousy work day.

And you did the same dang thing … not because you were lazy, but because you were young … and stupid. We were all young and stupid … it’s part of being young! And do you remember when your Grandpa talked about “the War” and how bread cost a nickel and “you kids today don’t know the value of hard work and all you want to do is listen to your hippity hop rap music?”

Yeah well guess what … you’re grandpa now!

And why does everybody always insist on crapping on fast food workers? “They wanna make $15 an hour just to work at McDonald’s.”

Oh yeah? Well I got news for you … they deserve to get paid that because they gotta deal with unreasonable people like you every day. You think THEY’RE the entitled ones? You’re the one threatening to go over the counter because “they messed up my order.” Who’s entitled now?

I don’t wanna work there for $15 an hour. Shoot … double it. Still don’t wanna work there. But I do know this … I am dang grateful that they’re there doing it … and you should too.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Adult Story Time Stinks

Dear Diary …

Ahhh story time. When you were a kid, story time was the most glorious time. You would get all snug in your bed … pull the covers up to your chin like you’re a little kid on a sitcom. And then Mommy and Daddy would read you a story …

“Goodnight moon. Goodnight light. Goodnight room.”

Or you know … whatever dork book it was that you had on hand and your kids made you read one million times. The point is … story time is great when you’re a kid.

But when you’re an adult … story time is awful.

And I’m not talking about you having to read to your kids. That ones fine. (Maybe a little annoying at times, but overall not too bad.)

I’m talking about what story time BECOMES for you when you’re an adult. Because now … story time consists of the same horrible thing every time … you get stuck going to a meeting … somebody hands you a giant pamphlet … and then proceeds to to read that pamphlet to you word for word.

And you don’t even get to fall asleep like little kid story time … adult story time makes you sit there the whole time … flippin’ to the next page … having that one read to you as well.

Why do we do this? Just hand me the packet and have me read it. I CAN read. And even if I couldn’t … I could just tell Alexa to do it for me. So why do I need to be dragged into adult story time instead?

Well I’ll tell you why … It’s because most of y’all are lazy and you wouldn’t read it in the first place. So that’s why somebody has to read it to you. So … this is YOUR fault.

Moving on Diary … I’ve decided I don’t appreciate the attitude of auto-reply email messages. They’re just smug and unnecessary.

I am out of the office until Monday … please contact blah blah blah if you have an urgent request.

Oh well congratulations to you! You got to go on a little trip or a staycation or whatever. I don’t need you rubbing it in my face. “I’M not here right now because I’m awesome. But since YOU’RE a working stiff who desperately needs me … you will have to sit there and wait. BAHAHAHA!!!”

Cuz here’s the other thing with the auto-reply … to me it’s basically a guarantee that that person ain’t ever going to actually get back to you.

“Oh sorry … I was out and my inbox was just SWAMPED. What did you need again?”

That’s all they’re going to do … they’re going wait for you to contct them again.

And let’s not even get into the fact that half the time the auto-reply has the wrong dates on it, or ended three days ago. So like … are you here or not?

See? Smug. Don’t appreciate it.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

ChatGPT Sucks at Writing an Anger Diary

Dear Diary …

Don’t listen to what THEY tell you! And you know what? I think I finally figured out who “they” is … it’s the robots!

Cuz that’s all you hear now … “oh AI is so good … you can ask it to do anything and it’s perfect … total time and money saver!”

Oh good … here we go … we’re finally just laying down for the future Robot Revolution and letting The Terminator finally take over because our Robot Gods just make life darn easy.

OK fine! Let’s ask ChatGPT to write this Anger Diary for me then so I don’t have to. So I go in to their little site and I say “write a new diary entry for angerdiary.com in the same writing style” and here’s what I got …

“Hey there, fellow anger warriors!”

OK … first of all … I ain’t never said that. It’s “Dear Diary” you stupid robot.

And I’m gonna save you from having to hear the whole entry (because it sucks), but here’s a snippet (and I WILL read it like a dork) …

“Buckle up for a hilariously frustrating adventure that unfolded in my kitchen recently. Picture this: It’s Monday morning, and I’m ready to conquer the world with a perfect slice of toast. But oh no, my trusty toaster decides it’s time to join the dark side!

I pop in the bread, press the lever, and wait…and wait…and wait. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. The toaster’s playing mind games with me. It’s become a stubborn rebel, refusing to do its only job.”

Ugh … this is terrible … story goes on … apparently I’m supposed to like shake the toaster or something according to the robot … oh and then there’s toast at the end and I’m supposed to “end the story with a wink and a toast-shaped smiley face.”

OK … this is awful. The robots are trash.

They’re not replacing humans! (OK, maybe really dumb humans, but those need replacing anyway so it’s cool.)

Like have you seen those terrible commercials people post on YouTube? They brag, “this whole thing was done with AI … even the people are computer generated.”

Yeah … and the “people” are fine on a quick glance, but then they turn toward the camera and it’s like when you’re having a dream and you’re about to kiss a pretty lady … or guy depending on whatever parts you enjoy … and they look all sexy and beautiful … and then … their faces suddenly get all [EVIL LAUGH] like they’re Pennywise the Clown or something.

People … we in trouble man … we letting the robots in too much. Pretty soon we’re gonna have extension cords at the base of our skulls and we’re gonna just become some sort of drooling nutrient farm for our Overlords.

Happy Tuesday!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Life Is a Waste of Time

Dear Diary …

Why do I sabotage myself? Why do we all sabotage ourselves? We know what we’re doing is stupid. We know how it’s all going to end. And yet we do it anyway.

For example … I don’t watch a lot of movies. I like movies, I just don’t seem to make the time to watch them.

And I can fill this story full of excuses like “I’m too busy to watch movies,” but that’s a lie. Everybody who says “I’m too busy” is a liar. Now I have no doubt that you have stuff going on. We all have stuff going on, but we also don’t fill every second of every day with meaningful stuff.

I mean … I’m sitting here writing this Anger Diary, but I also just spent the last half hour procrastinating and farting around on the internet. Oh … and I played Candy Crush for 45 minutes yesterday. So yeah … I’m not impossibly busy and neither are you. So don’t ever give me that “I’m too busy” excuse for anything, because I know you’re really just saying “I didn’t really wanna do that for you.”

Anyway … back to the movies and how I sabotage myself … because I sit down and think “hmm … maybe I’ll watch a movie.”

And then I say, “Ugh … but a movie is like two hours. I don’t have two hours to watch a movie. I’m too busy. I need to watch something shorter, maybe a half hour.”

Four episodes of “The Office” later and I’ve spent two hours watching absolutely nothing of value, and I could’ve TOTALLY watched that movie instead. And I knew this was going to happen from the start, and yet I did it anyway and totally sabotaged myself. Why?

It’s the same sabotage we all do when we do something like skip the gym. Our brain just keeps repeated over and over … “Skip the gym … skip the gym … you’ll be so happy you did.”

And then, like idiots, we skip the gym knowing full well what happens next. Our brain keeps repeating … “Ugh … why did we skip the gym? Why did we skip the gyyyyyyym????”

Sabotage! And we knew it was going to happen from the very beginning. And yet we do it anyway. Even knowing full well the times we actually go to the gym, we feel SO much better afterward that we actually went.

But I can promise you even knowing this … we’re all gonna do it again anyway. And again. And again. And again.

So fear not Michael Scott … Jim Halpert … Dwight Schrute and the gang … King Stupid will be there wasting way hours with you very very soon!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Sitting Outside is for Suckers

Dear Diary …

Summertime … we are definitely into it now. And a lot of things are great about the summer … wearin’ shorts, going on vacation, fresh fruits and vegetables at the Farmer’s Market. All those things are good. At the same time there are plenty of things that are totally overrated about the summer … sand, kids being home all the time, and one in particular that I wanna address today … sitting outside.

I don’t know why we think we gotta do it in the summer … But we go to a restaurant and there’s a perfectly comfortable, air conditioned inside. And yet for some misguided reason, we think we gotta say “no thank you” to that, and bake our bodies outside in the hot sun instead.

Sure … there’s a time and a place when it’s great to sit outside, but we’re beyond that now. That’s for a month ago when it was warm. Now it’s hot. Stinky sweaty butt crack, Southern humidity, heat stroke kinda hot … and yet like a bunch of dummies we’re like “Hey let’s sit outside!”

No! Let’s not!

Cuz here’s the deal … at just about every restaurant with outdoor seating there’s like 3 comfortable seats with nice shade, and the rest are one million degrees and just … sweaty. Not good for the person, terrible for the ice cubes in your drink, and downright disastrous for your yummy mayonnaise-laden chicken salad sandwich you just ordered up.

Who are we impressing by sitting out here? If God wanted us to sit outside, he never would’ve invented air conditioning in the first place! Totally overrated!

OK … moving on Diary …

Her e’s something i’m making illegal wehn I’m King of Zackmeria … and I don’t care how old or young you are … crimes against chicken wings will be punishable to the fullest extent of the laws.

Kids are the worst at this. I’ve had to watch my daughter and her friends commit chicken wing abuse time and time again, where we Moms and Dads order delicious chicken wings for everybody to enjoy.

And I don’t know about you … but I can eat me my share of chicken wings. There’s pretty much always room for at lest one more. And there is no bigger travesty than when you want another wing and realize they’re all gone … and then you see it … that wing sitting on some kid plate … with like two tiny bites taken out of it and 90% of the deliciousness just sitting there … RUINED.

“Oh you can just eat it”

No you can’t!

Kid mouths are gross. Even your own kids … but especially other people’s kids. You have no idea why kind of bacteria and boogers they’ve been lickin’ all over that chicken wing. So instead … you gotta just throw that poor wing out. Bye bye little angel … total crime against chicken wing humanity.

So you know what? As a leader … sometimes the right decision isn’t always the easiest decision. Kid … enjoy prison. They’ll learn!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Unclue Zack’s House of Truth Bombs

Dear Diary …

Hello there! Allow me to introduce you right now to a brand new wing of the Anger Diary World … it’s called “Uncle Zack’s House of Truth Bombs.”

And yes … I understand that in many ways all of Anger Diary World could be considered Uncle Zack’s House of Truth Bombs, but all these movie franchises get away with having “The Marvel Universe” so they can make billions and billions of dollars off the same concept. So I’m gonna do the same thing.

Which, in fact, brings me to the first Truth Bomb. Marvel movies are not that good.

And I know what you’re about to say …

“AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Why you say such poop mouth things??? Poop mouth!!!”

Look … let me be clear … the Marvel Universe is ingenious. It is a multi-billion dollar empire. More successful and better executed than anything I could ever even dream of doing in my own life.

But deep down at the core … they ain’t that good.

Yeah they got big names … and cool special effects … and lots of action … but the movies are … actually just put it this way … “the movie” is a big bowl of fine.

And I say “the movie,” because there’s really only one that’s been repackaged 27 million times.

I mean let me describe a particular Marvel movie to you and see if you can guess which one it is. Ok here we go … there’s this guy. Kinda just hasn’t found his place in life yet, when all of a sudden something happens and he realizes that he now has some kind of superpower.

Meanwhile, there’s this other guy. He’s kinda like the first guy, except he’s BAD. Something happened to him wayyyy back in the day and now he’s really mad about it and he’s gonna take it out on humanity to teach them a lesson that this is what happens when you mess with ME!

And there’s only one person that can stop him. The first guy. The good guy. But he’s not sure if he wants to get involved.

Meanwhile … there’s this really special person to the good guy. Maybe a girl. Maybe his Mom. Maybe his Uncle who helped raise him like he was his own.

Well the bad guy kills that person. So now the good guy gets all mad too. Rises up and saves the world from the bad guy.

The End.

OK … which Marvel movie did I just describe?

The answer?

ALL OF THEM.

And yes … sometimes they’re slightly different or it’s like Avengers movie and they just throw 27 good guys fighting 27 bad guys and you don’t even know which end is up with all these people flying all over the place for 3 and a half hours … but deep down … it’s still “the movie.”

Again … it’s OK to like it. I like Doritos. They aren’t good for you on any level. But for empty enjoyment … they delicious.

So just sit back and eat your Doritos. And the sequel to the Doritos. And the trilogy to the Doritos. And the reboot of the Doritos. And the original story. And … Oh you get the point.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Who’s the Dumbest Person In the World?

Dear Diary …

I am here to definitively answer the following question … Who’s the dumbest person in the world?

And believe it or not, even with billions of people on this earth, there actually is one correct answer to this question.

So … who’s the dumbest person in the world?

You.

Yup. You.

If you have kids … there is no bigger idiot in the world than you … their parent.

I have no doubt that even Albert Einstein … smartest guy … like … ever … little Hans Einstein was probably, “I already know that!”

I can tell my kid something … straight up factual … won’t believe me. But if Mr. Squeaky on Tik Tok says it … “oh man did you hear what Mr. Squeaky said? He’s so smart!” I already said that!

And it’s not that every other kid thinks you’re the dumbest person in the world. Just your kid. I coach baseball. So let me give you a little multiple choice pop quiz … Here we go …

Three kids … No names … so see if you can identify my kid …

Kid A … “Hey I need to you to make this change in your swing so you can hit the ball better.” OK coach … you got it!

Kid B … “Hey I need to you to make this change in your swing so you can hit the ball better.” Yes sir … thank you sir!

Kid C … “Hey I need to you to make this change in your swing so you can hit the ball better.” … I’m doing it already!

Well I’m glad we could have these special times together on the baseball field.

Hey you know what else is dumb … Why do we unplug the toaster?

I mean I know WHY we say we do it … “Oh I wanna be safe … don’t want the house to burn down.”

And that’s great in theory, except for the fact that we leave EVERY OTHER THING IN THE HOUSE PLUGGED IN AT ALL TIMES!

None of those things seem to bother us, but somehow we treat the toaster like it’s an old unexploded land mine from World War 2.

Ooooof … OK … that’s unplugged. We’re safe now!

I mean that’s probably why our kids think we’re stupid, cuz they see us do stupid stuff like that.

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye.

Dining Difficulties

Dear Diary …

Common sense. This should be an easy one. We should all have it. But obviously … we do not.

Now I could spend the next month talking about all the ways we lack common sense, but I only got like four minutes, so let’s narrow it down to some food-related stuff … specifically when we are at restaurants.

First … to the restaurants … can we get a little more common sense when it comes to appetizers? Now, I understand that this is just an appetizer … something to start off the meal with a little munch munch munch … and then on to the main course. But … is it too much to ask to have an even number of things on the plate?

I’m sick and tired of going to a restaurant, ordering an appetizer, and getting five items on a plate. What the heck you gonna do with five of anything? If there’s two of you … there’s one left over. And if there’s three of you … now you’re one short. Now we gotta sit here like idiots trying to figure out what to do with these things.

“Hey is this one yours?”

“I don’t know … how many have you had?”

“You just go ahead and take it. It’s fine.”

“No. You do it. I insist.”

Ugh! Just put six on the plate and we don’t have this problem. Common sense people … this should be easy!

Here’s another one … if you’re a restaurant that serves bread before the meal, there is no reason why any of you should serve it alongside cold, impossible to spread, bread-ripping butter. Who the heck wants that? Room temp butter … Soft and spreadable. This should be a no-brainer!

OK … on to you … the diner. When I go out to eat and I look at the menu, I often think to myself, “who in their right mind orders this particular entree?”

Like when you’re at an awesome steakhouse … what do you think you should order? If you answered “steak,” then you are able to state the obvious. And yet, there it is … on every steakhouse menu … some sad entree of grilled boneless skinless chicken breast with something like teriyaki sauce and a boring mixed vegetable.

Who orders that? OK … I get it … not everybody likes steak … but there’s gotta be SOMETHING else you can order that doesn’t scream “boring Tuesday dinner at home when you’re on a diet.”

That’s like going to a restaurant and saying … “Yes, I believe I will have a pre-cooked rotisserie chicken from the deli. Oh … and do you have a bottle of store bought barbecue sauce that I could use to dip it in?”

You’re in a restaurant. Take advantage of that fact and let them make you something that you can’t really make at home. And then the kick on the teeth is that these are the same people that at the end of their meal say, “Ehhhh … that dinner was only OK.” Gee … who’s fault is that???

You ordered boring. And the restaurant delivered boring. Don’t get mad at them for delivering the lousy thing you ordered.

Common sense, people … This is not rocket science around here!!!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Alone Time Things

Dear Diary …

When you boil it all down … there are only two things in life. “Alone” things. And “not alone” things. That’s it. Whatever you’re doing, it’s either supposed to be with people or without ‘em. And some of the “alone” stuff … yeah you keep that to yourself. We ain’t gonna talk about it, think about it, or even acknowledge that it exists.

But other stuff … man you’re doin’ it wrong.

I’mma tell you flat out … shopping at the grocery store is an “alone” thing. Now look … if you got little boogerball kids with you. They don’t count. As any good parent knows, kids don’t count as people.

Oh … I mean … kids … if you’re listening right now … Uncle Zack just kidding. Mommy and Daddy wuv you so very much and you’re the most important whittle miracle on the planet.

OK … earmuffs right? [WHISPERING] They’re not people!

Anyway … two grown adults have no business being in the grocery store together.

What are you doing?

Do you not realize you’re just … in the way?

And you look ridiculous! Couple of dorks just tooling along with a shopping cart, blocking the path of anything and everything that they come in contact with.

“Oh well we just go to the store as a couple … to spend time together!”

You ain’t ever heard of a restaurant or like a park or something?

Those are couple time activities. The grocery store is a chore. Chores are “alone” things so you can divide and conquer the chores. Like … you standin’ around doing laundry together? Of course not! One person does laundry and the other person vacuums or something. Whatchoo gonna do? Hold hands and vacuum the living room together?

Dorks.

Other things are “with people” things.

If you’re a grown adult … you don’t go to a Disney movie by yourself.

“But I like Disney movies!”

Fine … go volunteer at the Big Brothers Big Sisters or something and take somebody else with you. Ain’t no grown man need to be sitting at “Encanto” all by himself. I’m sure you’re a lovely person, but you’re freaking the rest of us out.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Story of Noah’s Ark

Dear Diary …

I guess sometimes in order to understand the present, we must look back at the past.  So let’s look back.  WAY back.  Remember the … like … you know … Bible?  Yeah … like I said … we goin’ WAY back.

So in the Bible, there was this dude Noah.  Everybody knows the story of Noah.  God tells him he’s gotta build a big ol’ boat and grab two of everything and throw it on the boat.  So Noah does what God says, saves all the animals and becomes an inspiration to children everywhere in present times.

OK … I know what you’re thinking … “That seems like a little bit of a jump to go 2,000 years into the future and say he’s inspiring children today.  What do you even mean by that?”

Well … I’ll tell you what I mean by that … clearly he’s inspired kids today. And definitely MY kids today.  And not with the whole “hey listen to what God tells you to do” angle, but more in the “make sure you have two of everything” angle. 

Because that’s what they do.  If there’s an open box of Cheezits … definitely make sure to not notice, and open a second box instead.  My whole dang pantry is a tribute to Noah’s Ark … cuz we got two of everything open in there. 

“Oh I didn’t see it!”

You didn’t see the box of Cheezits … right next to the other box of Cheezits? 

And since the answer is “no,” I have to assume all logic is thrown out the door and it is simply Divine Intervention and the story of Noah’s Ark still having an impact today.

So … Diary … while I’m talking about pain and suffering. I mean … I was talking about the Bible.  Have you read that thing?  It’s got a LOT of chapters where some bad stuff goes down.  Who lot of smotin’ and sinnin’ and warrin’

Anyway … I’ve learned that the single most painful question I can ask my son is … “Can you brush your teeth please?”

Sounds like an easy enough request.  Heck … It sounds like a downright pleasant request since I’m asking you to fill your mouth with cleanliness and minty freshness.  But what’s the response every time?

“Ugghhhhhhhh … OKKKAAAYYYYY”

You would’ve thought I had said … “Hey boy … please throw a bunch of needles in your mouth and swish them around for a while.”

See … this is why most kids have breath that smells like hot garbage … cuz they don’t wanna listen to even the most simplest requests.

I tell people this all the time if they’re about to start having kids … be prepared to have a life form that you are in charge or who’s number one goal is to kill themselves and your number one goal will be to make sure they don’t.

Think about it. That’s all they do.  Babies try to fling themselves down the stairs.  Toddlers try to fall down a well. And even when they’re older all they wanna do is drink Sprite for breakfast and stare at their phone 23 and a half hours a day.  Then they get a license and try to drive 100 miles and hour while not paying attention the road.  And then they ask you to go on trips to Mexico with just their friends “cuz I’m old enough to go on my own.”

It’s a wonder any of them make it 18 really.

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye