Category: What’s wrong with you?

Sitting Outside is for Suckers

Dear Diary …

Summertime … we are definitely into it now. And a lot of things are great about the summer … wearin’ shorts, going on vacation, fresh fruits and vegetables at the Farmer’s Market. All those things are good. At the same time there are plenty of things that are totally overrated about the summer … sand, kids being home all the time, and one in particular that I wanna address today … sitting outside.

I don’t know why we think we gotta do it in the summer … But we go to a restaurant and there’s a perfectly comfortable, air conditioned inside. And yet for some misguided reason, we think we gotta say “no thank you” to that, and bake our bodies outside in the hot sun instead.

Sure … there’s a time and a place when it’s great to sit outside, but we’re beyond that now. That’s for a month ago when it was warm. Now it’s hot. Stinky sweaty butt crack, Southern humidity, heat stroke kinda hot … and yet like a bunch of dummies we’re like “Hey let’s sit outside!”

No! Let’s not!

Cuz here’s the deal … at just about every restaurant with outdoor seating there’s like 3 comfortable seats with nice shade, and the rest are one million degrees and just … sweaty. Not good for the person, terrible for the ice cubes in your drink, and downright disastrous for your yummy mayonnaise-laden chicken salad sandwich you just ordered up.

Who are we impressing by sitting out here? If God wanted us to sit outside, he never would’ve invented air conditioning in the first place! Totally overrated!

OK … moving on Diary …

Her e’s something i’m making illegal wehn I’m King of Zackmeria … and I don’t care how old or young you are … crimes against chicken wings will be punishable to the fullest extent of the laws.

Kids are the worst at this. I’ve had to watch my daughter and her friends commit chicken wing abuse time and time again, where we Moms and Dads order delicious chicken wings for everybody to enjoy.

And I don’t know about you … but I can eat me my share of chicken wings. There’s pretty much always room for at lest one more. And there is no bigger travesty than when you want another wing and realize they’re all gone … and then you see it … that wing sitting on some kid plate … with like two tiny bites taken out of it and 90% of the deliciousness just sitting there … RUINED.

“Oh you can just eat it”

No you can’t!

Kid mouths are gross. Even your own kids … but especially other people’s kids. You have no idea why kind of bacteria and boogers they’ve been lickin’ all over that chicken wing. So instead … you gotta just throw that poor wing out. Bye bye little angel … total crime against chicken wing humanity.

So you know what? As a leader … sometimes the right decision isn’t always the easiest decision. Kid … enjoy prison. They’ll learn!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Unclue Zack’s House of Truth Bombs

Dear Diary …

Hello there! Allow me to introduce you right now to a brand new wing of the Anger Diary World … it’s called “Uncle Zack’s House of Truth Bombs.”

And yes … I understand that in many ways all of Anger Diary World could be considered Uncle Zack’s House of Truth Bombs, but all these movie franchises get away with having “The Marvel Universe” so they can make billions and billions of dollars off the same concept. So I’m gonna do the same thing.

Which, in fact, brings me to the first Truth Bomb. Marvel movies are not that good.

And I know what you’re about to say …

“AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Why you say such poop mouth things??? Poop mouth!!!”

Look … let me be clear … the Marvel Universe is ingenious. It is a multi-billion dollar empire. More successful and better executed than anything I could ever even dream of doing in my own life.

But deep down at the core … they ain’t that good.

Yeah they got big names … and cool special effects … and lots of action … but the movies are … actually just put it this way … “the movie” is a big bowl of fine.

And I say “the movie,” because there’s really only one that’s been repackaged 27 million times.

I mean let me describe a particular Marvel movie to you and see if you can guess which one it is. Ok here we go … there’s this guy. Kinda just hasn’t found his place in life yet, when all of a sudden something happens and he realizes that he now has some kind of superpower.

Meanwhile, there’s this other guy. He’s kinda like the first guy, except he’s BAD. Something happened to him wayyyy back in the day and now he’s really mad about it and he’s gonna take it out on humanity to teach them a lesson that this is what happens when you mess with ME!

And there’s only one person that can stop him. The first guy. The good guy. But he’s not sure if he wants to get involved.

Meanwhile … there’s this really special person to the good guy. Maybe a girl. Maybe his Mom. Maybe his Uncle who helped raise him like he was his own.

Well the bad guy kills that person. So now the good guy gets all mad too. Rises up and saves the world from the bad guy.

The End.

OK … which Marvel movie did I just describe?

The answer?

ALL OF THEM.

And yes … sometimes they’re slightly different or it’s like Avengers movie and they just throw 27 good guys fighting 27 bad guys and you don’t even know which end is up with all these people flying all over the place for 3 and a half hours … but deep down … it’s still “the movie.”

Again … it’s OK to like it. I like Doritos. They aren’t good for you on any level. But for empty enjoyment … they delicious.

So just sit back and eat your Doritos. And the sequel to the Doritos. And the trilogy to the Doritos. And the reboot of the Doritos. And the original story. And … Oh you get the point.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Who’s the Dumbest Person In the World?

Dear Diary …

I am here to definitively answer the following question … Who’s the dumbest person in the world?

And believe it or not, even with billions of people on this earth, there actually is one correct answer to this question.

So … who’s the dumbest person in the world?

You.

Yup. You.

If you have kids … there is no bigger idiot in the world than you … their parent.

I have no doubt that even Albert Einstein … smartest guy … like … ever … little Hans Einstein was probably, “I already know that!”

I can tell my kid something … straight up factual … won’t believe me. But if Mr. Squeaky on Tik Tok says it … “oh man did you hear what Mr. Squeaky said? He’s so smart!” I already said that!

And it’s not that every other kid thinks you’re the dumbest person in the world. Just your kid. I coach baseball. So let me give you a little multiple choice pop quiz … Here we go …

Three kids … No names … so see if you can identify my kid …

Kid A … “Hey I need to you to make this change in your swing so you can hit the ball better.” OK coach … you got it!

Kid B … “Hey I need to you to make this change in your swing so you can hit the ball better.” Yes sir … thank you sir!

Kid C … “Hey I need to you to make this change in your swing so you can hit the ball better.” … I’m doing it already!

Well I’m glad we could have these special times together on the baseball field.

Hey you know what else is dumb … Why do we unplug the toaster?

I mean I know WHY we say we do it … “Oh I wanna be safe … don’t want the house to burn down.”

And that’s great in theory, except for the fact that we leave EVERY OTHER THING IN THE HOUSE PLUGGED IN AT ALL TIMES!

None of those things seem to bother us, but somehow we treat the toaster like it’s an old unexploded land mine from World War 2.

Ooooof … OK … that’s unplugged. We’re safe now!

I mean that’s probably why our kids think we’re stupid, cuz they see us do stupid stuff like that.

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye.

Dining Difficulties

Dear Diary …

Common sense. This should be an easy one. We should all have it. But obviously … we do not.

Now I could spend the next month talking about all the ways we lack common sense, but I only got like four minutes, so let’s narrow it down to some food-related stuff … specifically when we are at restaurants.

First … to the restaurants … can we get a little more common sense when it comes to appetizers? Now, I understand that this is just an appetizer … something to start off the meal with a little munch munch munch … and then on to the main course. But … is it too much to ask to have an even number of things on the plate?

I’m sick and tired of going to a restaurant, ordering an appetizer, and getting five items on a plate. What the heck you gonna do with five of anything? If there’s two of you … there’s one left over. And if there’s three of you … now you’re one short. Now we gotta sit here like idiots trying to figure out what to do with these things.

“Hey is this one yours?”

“I don’t know … how many have you had?”

“You just go ahead and take it. It’s fine.”

“No. You do it. I insist.”

Ugh! Just put six on the plate and we don’t have this problem. Common sense people … this should be easy!

Here’s another one … if you’re a restaurant that serves bread before the meal, there is no reason why any of you should serve it alongside cold, impossible to spread, bread-ripping butter. Who the heck wants that? Room temp butter … Soft and spreadable. This should be a no-brainer!

OK … on to you … the diner. When I go out to eat and I look at the menu, I often think to myself, “who in their right mind orders this particular entree?”

Like when you’re at an awesome steakhouse … what do you think you should order? If you answered “steak,” then you are able to state the obvious. And yet, there it is … on every steakhouse menu … some sad entree of grilled boneless skinless chicken breast with something like teriyaki sauce and a boring mixed vegetable.

Who orders that? OK … I get it … not everybody likes steak … but there’s gotta be SOMETHING else you can order that doesn’t scream “boring Tuesday dinner at home when you’re on a diet.”

That’s like going to a restaurant and saying … “Yes, I believe I will have a pre-cooked rotisserie chicken from the deli. Oh … and do you have a bottle of store bought barbecue sauce that I could use to dip it in?”

You’re in a restaurant. Take advantage of that fact and let them make you something that you can’t really make at home. And then the kick on the teeth is that these are the same people that at the end of their meal say, “Ehhhh … that dinner was only OK.” Gee … who’s fault is that???

You ordered boring. And the restaurant delivered boring. Don’t get mad at them for delivering the lousy thing you ordered.

Common sense, people … This is not rocket science around here!!!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Alone Time Things

Dear Diary …

When you boil it all down … there are only two things in life. “Alone” things. And “not alone” things. That’s it. Whatever you’re doing, it’s either supposed to be with people or without ‘em. And some of the “alone” stuff … yeah you keep that to yourself. We ain’t gonna talk about it, think about it, or even acknowledge that it exists.

But other stuff … man you’re doin’ it wrong.

I’mma tell you flat out … shopping at the grocery store is an “alone” thing. Now look … if you got little boogerball kids with you. They don’t count. As any good parent knows, kids don’t count as people.

Oh … I mean … kids … if you’re listening right now … Uncle Zack just kidding. Mommy and Daddy wuv you so very much and you’re the most important whittle miracle on the planet.

OK … earmuffs right? [WHISPERING] They’re not people!

Anyway … two grown adults have no business being in the grocery store together.

What are you doing?

Do you not realize you’re just … in the way?

And you look ridiculous! Couple of dorks just tooling along with a shopping cart, blocking the path of anything and everything that they come in contact with.

“Oh well we just go to the store as a couple … to spend time together!”

You ain’t ever heard of a restaurant or like a park or something?

Those are couple time activities. The grocery store is a chore. Chores are “alone” things so you can divide and conquer the chores. Like … you standin’ around doing laundry together? Of course not! One person does laundry and the other person vacuums or something. Whatchoo gonna do? Hold hands and vacuum the living room together?

Dorks.

Other things are “with people” things.

If you’re a grown adult … you don’t go to a Disney movie by yourself.

“But I like Disney movies!”

Fine … go volunteer at the Big Brothers Big Sisters or something and take somebody else with you. Ain’t no grown man need to be sitting at “Encanto” all by himself. I’m sure you’re a lovely person, but you’re freaking the rest of us out.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Story of Noah’s Ark

Dear Diary …

I guess sometimes in order to understand the present, we must look back at the past.  So let’s look back.  WAY back.  Remember the … like … you know … Bible?  Yeah … like I said … we goin’ WAY back.

So in the Bible, there was this dude Noah.  Everybody knows the story of Noah.  God tells him he’s gotta build a big ol’ boat and grab two of everything and throw it on the boat.  So Noah does what God says, saves all the animals and becomes an inspiration to children everywhere in present times.

OK … I know what you’re thinking … “That seems like a little bit of a jump to go 2,000 years into the future and say he’s inspiring children today.  What do you even mean by that?”

Well … I’ll tell you what I mean by that … clearly he’s inspired kids today. And definitely MY kids today.  And not with the whole “hey listen to what God tells you to do” angle, but more in the “make sure you have two of everything” angle. 

Because that’s what they do.  If there’s an open box of Cheezits … definitely make sure to not notice, and open a second box instead.  My whole dang pantry is a tribute to Noah’s Ark … cuz we got two of everything open in there. 

“Oh I didn’t see it!”

You didn’t see the box of Cheezits … right next to the other box of Cheezits? 

And since the answer is “no,” I have to assume all logic is thrown out the door and it is simply Divine Intervention and the story of Noah’s Ark still having an impact today.

So … Diary … while I’m talking about pain and suffering. I mean … I was talking about the Bible.  Have you read that thing?  It’s got a LOT of chapters where some bad stuff goes down.  Who lot of smotin’ and sinnin’ and warrin’

Anyway … I’ve learned that the single most painful question I can ask my son is … “Can you brush your teeth please?”

Sounds like an easy enough request.  Heck … It sounds like a downright pleasant request since I’m asking you to fill your mouth with cleanliness and minty freshness.  But what’s the response every time?

“Ugghhhhhhhh … OKKKAAAYYYYY”

You would’ve thought I had said … “Hey boy … please throw a bunch of needles in your mouth and swish them around for a while.”

See … this is why most kids have breath that smells like hot garbage … cuz they don’t wanna listen to even the most simplest requests.

I tell people this all the time if they’re about to start having kids … be prepared to have a life form that you are in charge or who’s number one goal is to kill themselves and your number one goal will be to make sure they don’t.

Think about it. That’s all they do.  Babies try to fling themselves down the stairs.  Toddlers try to fall down a well. And even when they’re older all they wanna do is drink Sprite for breakfast and stare at their phone 23 and a half hours a day.  Then they get a license and try to drive 100 miles and hour while not paying attention the road.  And then they ask you to go on trips to Mexico with just their friends “cuz I’m old enough to go on my own.”

It’s a wonder any of them make it 18 really.

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye

Regret Your No Regrets

Dear Diary …

I don’t know why some people talk.  Every time they open their mouth … ppppppbbbbbt … trash just falls out of there.  And I blame dumb phrases that we’ve allowed to become acceptable even though they make you sound like a fool when you say them.  Like “no regrets” … that’s one I hear all the time when I watch the cooking competition show “Chopped.”

So a chef will make a dish … and then they’ll screw something up and they get chopped.  And as they’re leaving in their exit interview they always say … “Oh I mean I stand by my dish.  I have no regrets.  If I could do it again, I wouldn’t change anything.”

Really?  Cuz you know what I would change?  THE THING THAT GOT ME CHOPPED!!!

“Hey Zack … do you have any regrets?”

Why yes … doing the thing that made me lose!!!

Why do we act like it’s bad to have regrets?  Like we’re just supposed to be OK with our dumb decisions and then just pat ourselves on the back and say, “It’s OK buddy … you know that bad judgement you had right there?  Don’t do anything about it! Stay exactly the way you are and keep screwin’ up your whole life!”

Guess what Diary … I have regrets.  Like today … and every day.  I’m doubting my decision to even talk about this in the first place because maybe I could’ve come up with something better!  Regrets are what force you to improve next time … so have em … it’s a good thing!

Here’s another one that makes you sound dumb … “With all due respect.”

And here’s why … every single time you say “with all due respect” you’re about to tell someone something you don’t like about them and probably have no respect for them because you don’t like it.

I mean if I say … “With all due respect … you’re an idiot.”

What respect was that idiot due in the first place?

I’ll tell you the only reason to say “with all due respect” is to trick that person into thinking you respect them at all right before you drop the hammer on their face and insult them.

OK … you know what … I take that one back … I like “With all due respect” … but only when I use it on you.  If you use it on ME, well we gonna throw down then cuz them’s fightin’ words. 

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye 

Kids Don’t Deserve Choices

Dear Diary …

I got some free parenting advice. Yup … free! And it’s not because I’m just so dang generous, it’s that I know nobody ain’t payin’ for my parenting advice anyway, so at least when it’s free you gotta listen.

Here goes … if you give your children choices in life. Wrong! Bad parent! You’re screwing it all up!

“But I don’t understand … I empower my young miracles to make their own decisions in their life. I’m helping them!”

No … no you’re not.

And I’ll tell you why … kids can’t handle choices.

I went to the grocery store with my son the other day and we get to the aisle that has Propel in it. If you don’t know what Propel is, it’s one of those flavored waters that comes in a 12-pack and costs $4 million and is probably one of the reasons why I can’t take a nice vacation because I’m spending my whole paycheck on Propel instead because my son drinks like a case of it a week. But it’s better than him drinking soda, so I’ll just have to suck it up and take a second job at Zaxby’s to pay for all of his fancy water.

Anyway … we get to the Propel and I say … “OK … what flavor do you want?”

[PAUSE]

Uhhhhh ….

Hmmm …

C’mon man … what flavor do you want? There’s really only like three you like anyway … so just pick one and let’s go.

[PAUSE]

Ahhhh …

“I just don’t know which one to get.”

Oh my God!

See? This is why they can’t have choices! I could see the steam puring off this poor kid’s skull as his brain was frying at the prospect of choosing Kiwi Strawberry or Grape. And that’s why normally he doesn’t come to the store with me and I just grab the dang thing off the shelf and move on.

Do NOT give them choices!

Here’s a sure sign of a parent that doesn’t know what they’re doing … watch what they do when they have a kid who plays sports and they have to bring snacks or drinks to one of the games for all of the kids. If they bring some kind of variety pack that has four different flavors or options … they are NOT a smart parent. Smart parents bring one option … totally the same for every single kid.

Because when you give them choices you end up with 11 kids who want blue Gatorade and one three bottles of blue gatorade. Not to mention the fact that every variety pack has one flavor nobody on earth wants. Nobody wants orange Gatorade. Or plain Lay’s chips. Or Funyuns. So on behalf of coaches everywhere … stop bringing those stupid things and forcing us to settle all their unnecessary disputes.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Don’t Respect Your Elders

Dear Diary …

You know how they always say things like “Respect Your Elders” and “Honor thy Forefathers?”  Well I gotta tell ya … I’m not so sure.  I mean yeah … we can respect previous generations.  Absolutely.  We should respect EVERY generation.  Even those no good rotten Millennials deserve respect!

And really I kid about that.  Millennials get a bad rap … “Oh they’re just a lazy generation that’s young and dumb and doesn’t wanna work.”  That is EVERY generation when they’re young.  Cuz when you’re young … you’re dumb … and you don’t wanna work!  I promise you there were 16 year olds in the Greatest Generation that were all, “Maaaaa … I don’t wanna go work in the fields.  I’m just gonna sit here and look at the box of sticks I use as toys.”  Every generation is lazy when they’re young … it’s part of being young.

Oh and by the way … to all of you that keep posting that dumb thread about “it’s a fact that my generation was the last one to play outside and we didn’t have a phone in our hands all the time.”  Oh please!  I’m in that generation, and you know what we loved, watching tons of TV, playing video games, and talking on the phone until our parents yanked the cord out of the wall.  Not to mention the fact that you probably posted that status on your Facebook page FROM YOUR PHONE and then sat there all day hittin’ refresh to see how many likes it got.

OK … but I’m getting sidetracked here.  “Respect Your Elders” … why? 

Sure … they did some things, but you ever tried to get plumbing and electrical fixed in your house when it was built by one of these old coot generations?  What was wrong with these people?  It was as if their goal was to make sure all plumbing and electrical was done in a way that it was impossible to get to later if you needed to fix it, and everything was installed at an angle that no tool can actually reach.

Why I gotta respect these people that treated the inner workings of my house like it was a funhouse maze that some poor future generation … i.e. ME … had to figure out?  See? This is what happens when people don’t have video games.  They treat the homebuilding process like it’s a video game and they’re hidin’ Easter eggs all throughout the walls.

“Respect Your Elders” … FAHHH!  And don’t even get me started on the Forefathers.  I don’t know why people get so uptight about the Constitution.  Yeah … it’s got some important stuff in there, but it was also written 250 years ago. I don’t even trust a cookbook that was written in 1987, so why am I gonna trust a document that was written during a time where guys thought it was cool to wear wigs and have wooden teeth?  That’s like taking your investment advice from that weird man that sits on the bench outside the post office.

You wanna do that? Good luck! I’m all for learning from older generations, but let’s also not forget these are the people that thought you should put leeches on your body when you didn’t feel good.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

Dear Diary …

This is a message to the people of the world … You are a liar. And not only are you a liar, but we KNOW you’re liar. You’re not fooling anybody with your silly little stories. You’re a liar. And we know you’re a liar. And we want you to know that we know that you’re a liar.

“What do you mean? I always tell the truth!”

Whatever, liar.

There are times when you start flappin’ your jaws, and we are on to your scam.

Like when I send you a text message and ask you a question that requries an answer … and you don’t respond for six hours, and then you say, “Oh sorry, I’m just seeing this text right now.”

LIAR!!!!

“I’m just seeing this text” is the modern day equivalent of the 1987 lie of, “I don’t know what happened to your message on my answering machine. I never got it.”

And you know how I know you’re not “just seeing” my text? You’re lyin’ behind has been all over Facebook, Instagram, and whatever the heck else for the last six hours … which I’m sure you’ve been using your phone for.

Not to mention the fact that every time I’m around you, I gotta pry your nose outta your phone to even get your attention. So I know darn well you’re not “just seeing my text.”

Here’s another one the liars of the world like to throw out there … Observe …

“Hey where would you like to go for dinner tonight?”

“I don’t mind. Anywhere is fine.”

Liar … liar … liar … liar … LIAR!!!

“Anywhere” is NOT fine! I know darn well you at least have some kind of preference in your head … so out with it.

Why do we play this game?

And let me be more specific … ladies … ladies, ladies, ladies … Why do we play this game?

We men don’t know much, but we know you’re messing with us here. Playing some sort of “let’s see if he really knows me” head game just to test us. I’ll let you in on a little secret … we’re never gonna figure it out. We are clueless. So stop thinking things are ever gonna change.

Or maybe … I don’t know … it’s some sort of Jedi Mind Trick you’re trying to perfect … “This is not the restaurant you’re looking for … You want to choose Olive Garden.”

Ladies … please … stop lying to us. We’re too dumb to figure it out anyway. We’re smart enough to know you’re a liar, but that’s about it. So save yourself the aggravation and pick the stinkin’ restaurant you wanna go to.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.