Category: What’s wrong with you?

Gardening Pics and Fishetarians

Dear Diary …

Here we are, smack dab in the middle of summer. So we’re right at the time one annoyance starts popping up all over the place … Gardening.

Now I’m not hating on gardening. You wanna plant some stuff? Go ahead and plant some stuff! Me? I don’t wanna. I’ve done it in the past … and it’s just not for me.

“Oh but you save so much money cuz you don’t have to buy any produce from the store!”

Yeah sure, in theory, but when I was done buying dirt, and plants, and insect sprays, and fungicides, and tomato cages, and blah blah blah … I wasn’t saving any money. Then … add in the fact that I’m out there workin’ the fields all the time, gettin’ eaten alive by mosquitos just trying to keep these plants alive.

Then … when I finally have something growing, every big fat jerk squirrel in the neighborhood just comes in and eats everything. And whatever they didn’t eat just got that tomato butt rot disease instead. That’s a thing … look it up!

Point is … gardening is just a joy!

But hey … If you wanna put up with all that garbage, and you still like it … that’s fine. Good for you. I got NO problem at all with that. But for the love … Do you need to post a picture on Facebook every single time you pick a bean from your stinkin’ garden?

“Oooh … look at all my squash!”

Yeah yeah yeah … we’re all so proud of you Green Giant. You know … I got squash too. Tons of it. At the grocery store. You don’t see me posting a picture of that, do you?

I gotta be honest here … I’m the smart one. You do all the work. You deal with mosquitos and the butt rot, and whatever else, and I’m the one that swoops into the Farmer’s Market and eats it. I’d say the score is currently me 1, you 0.

OK … Moving on Diary …

Since we’re already talking vegetables … Let’s tackle an issue I have with the biggest veggie lovers of them all … Vegetarians.

And if you are one … fine. Definitely not for me, but if it works for you, that’s great. I mean … I eat vegetables. I like kale. But it’s not my main dish.

Kale is a side dish. I mean … What would you have as a side with kale? More kale?

Whatever. The issue I have is not so much with vegetarians … It’s with what’s known as Fishetarians. Or as I call them, “Biggest Hypocrites Alive.”

These are the people who say …

“Well I’m a vegetarian … I don’t eat meat … Except of course fish, which I eat all the time.”

What the heck did fish do to get such a raw deal from these self-proclaimed animal lovers? Why don’t they count? Fish are way more majestic and graceful than some loud ugly chicken, but apparently that doesn’t matter. We gotta save that chicken, but we will eat that fish’s face and not even think twice about it.

I even had an argument recently with a fishetarian who said to me, “Fish isn’t meat … it’s fish.”

OK genius … then what food group does fish go into?

Grains? No.

Fruits and vegetables? No.

Dairy? No.

There’s only one left … meat. YOU ARE EATING MEAT, YOU HYPOCRITE!

Look … I don’t care if you eat it. I eat it. It’s delicious. But don’t hide behind some sort of moral compass that makes you think you’re a better person than me just cuz you don’t eat a cow.

Make up your mind … either eat meat, or don’t. Or if nothing else, just be quiet about it. Of course you’re entitled to your own dietary plan. Just don’t preach it to me.

I don’t shove bacon down your throat. (Which would totally be a favor by the way). So don’t pressure me with your quinoa agenda either!

Till next time Diary … I say goodbye.

Speak To Humans / Pineapple On Pizza

Dear Diary …

The story I’m about to tell you … It’s not so much about me trying to teach you something new. It’s about me trying to remind you about how the way things used to be (and still should be).

The other day I was having a conversation with someone. In person. To their face. Two humans … speaking to each other.

And Diary … you know me, I’m not normally a big fan of people, but this guy was a competition pro on the BBQ circuit. Nerd alert! Nerd alert! And not for him … I mean nerd alert for me Zack Jackson, BBQ nerd. I love BBQ. Love cookin’ it. Love eatin’ it. Love talkin’ about it. I’m legitimately excited! (And that rarely happens)

For me … celebrities … I don’t really care. Hey wanna meet Justin Timberlake? Nah, I’m fine. But … hey … wanna meet an eight time BBQ Grand Champion? [[[SQUEAL]] Yes!!!

So I see the guy, and I start talking to him. Then, 30 seconds into the conversation, he gets a phone call.

At least … I ASSUME he gets a phone call. Because all he did was look at his phone, and turn and walk away. The end. Conversation over. Wah-wah.

This has become a real problem. Now I understand, you get a call and you need to take it … that’s fine. But how about you at least say to me, “Oooh sorry, I gotta take this call. Hang on one second.” You don’t just walk away as if I was a lamp, and you don’t even have to say anything. I am a human!

So here’s where the reminder comes in … because the way it used to be … and the way it should ALWAYS continue to be … You speak to humans before you speak to machines.

It’s all we every do anymore when we’re around our friends .. scroll thru our phones.

Hey … you got somewhere better to be or something? Well maybe you should be there! It’s called “being in the moment.”

And sometimes I’ll be somewhere and one of my friends will be doing this, and I think … Who are you even talking to on that thing? We’re all here … it ain’t us … and you don’t know anybody else!

The moral of the story is simple … put your phone down and talk to the humans in front of you. And yes … every now and then it’s a call you really need to take. But let’s be honest here … how often is that? Two percent of the time?

And when there’s a human in front of you … a friend, or even a complete stranger that happens to be the person that’s about to make your sandwich for you at Subway, or whatever … how about you show a little respect for them and put down your stinkin’ phone for two seconds?

OK … moving on Diary …

While we’re here fixing the world, how about we also just get real and once and for all accept that this whole “putting pineapple on a pizza” thing was a fad and it should be over. Forever.

Pineapple is such a weird food. Because … it’s delicious … by itself. But with anything else? Awful.

I could sit here and ask why, but I’m not here to understand the weird science of the pineapple, I just know that fruit don’t belong on pizzas. And don’t gimme this “Tomato’s a fruit” … No it isn’t. It’s a vegetable.

Fruits are fruits, like strawberry. You wouldn’t eat a ham and strawberry pizza, would you? Well then it’s the same exact thing for pineapple.

Pineapple belongs in only two places … in a bowl all by itself, or on top of that lady’s head who wears all the fruit and sings the Hoochie Coochie Chiquita banana song. That’s it.

Till next time Diary, I say goodbye.

Close Your Mouth Hole

 

Dear Diary …

I’m here to help.

Now I know sometimes you might think … “Oh this Diary is just one angry little man ranting about things,” but that’s not the case at all.

Yes I’m angry. And yes I’m ranting about things. And yes … I’m kinda little … but that’s not the core of the Anger Diary. I core is that I’m here to help.

I want to make the world a better place. And lucky for me, I’ve got the knowledge … it’s just a process of getting you to listen to it. I’m just trying to help you during those times where you’re doing it wrong, and I have the right answer.

OK … modesty might not be my strong suit … whatever. But in all seriousness, sometimes I have good advice. Like this … Shut your mouth.

Now I don’t mean … you be quiet … you shut up. That’s not productive. I mean you need to actually … physically … close your mouth hole as you’re walking through life. Because when you’re standing there … just with your mouth open … I gotta be completely honest … you do NOT look like somebody who’s setting themselves up for success.

You don’t believe me? Go to a mirror right now … open your mouth … and then look at yourself.

“Heeeyyyy … Hi.”

Close your mouth? Normal.

Open?

“Mahhhhhhhh … bug catchin’ mouth … Mahhhhhh”

I’ll freely admit … knowing nothing about a person … I will judge them … probably unfairly … just because they’re walking around with their mouth open. Think about it … If you interviewed two people for a job … and EVERYTHING was identical about the two people, except for the fact that one sat there with his mouth open the entire interview … who would you hire? Closed mouth guy … exactly!

And I wanna stop this. I wanna give you that chance. I want you to get that job … so take my advice and shut it!

OK … moving on Diary …

As a parent, you want your kids to look up to you. And to a point, you even want them to see you as super-human. That said … you don’t want it to go to the point like my children, who apparently think I’m a magician and they can just have anything they want, exactly when they want it, without any advanced notice.

My daughter just yesterday … I’m in the kitchen making dinner …

“Is dinner ready yet?”

“No. I’m making it right now.”

“But I’m hungry NOW!!!!”

That’s great, but it ain’t ready. It’s not like I can wave my magic wand and … poof … cheeseburger. You have to be patient.

And my daughter … she fights it. And she fights with no logic, because her arguments make no sense. When she whines that she’s hungry and I tell her I’m making it as fast as I can and it’ll be done soon. Her response to me last night?

“Well that’ll take a mile and a half to be ready.”

Huh?  Mile and a half?

How do you come back from that? What unit of measurement do I even argue in to prove my point?

I’ll tell you want the point is … I ain’t no David Copperfield. Cuz if I was, I’d be making myself disappear and then reappear on a beach in Puerto Rico while somebody else made you dinner in the first place you ingrate!
Till next time Diary … I say goodbye.

Teachers Are Gonna Kill Me

 

Dear Diary …

I’m going to approach something today, that quite honestly could get me in a lot of trouble. And that’s because it’s about a group of people who can definitely be a little bit sensitive about certain things. But I … am dumb.

So I’m gonna dive into the pool head-first, even though there’s a little picture of a guy with a circle around him and a line thru him with a sign that says “No diving you break you neck, this is the shallow end.” That’s alright … I’m gonna dive in anyway. Because it’s about teachers.

Oh God … you hear that? That’s everybody else running for cover right now. And since I’m out here on the island, let me be very … VERY … clear. I love teachers. I appreciate teachers. I respect teachers. You do something that I don’t wanna do … be around children. I barely like my own kids. And not only do you deal with them … you deal with the dreaded ” everybody else’s kids.” Oooooh. Cuz you know how that is … there’s nobody on Earth that says “Man, I just love everybody else’s kids.” Nobody ever likes “everybody else’s kids.” And that’s what you deal with all day, every day, is “everybody else’s kids.”

So know that this comes from a place of love and respect … and really I’m trying to help you with this … Teachers … you have to stop whining about going to work … in particular on social media where all of us can see it. Do it in the confort of your own home all you want, but leave it off Facebook.

And I bring this up now, because we are at the end of the school year. Like just last week, it was Memorial Day weekend. So a lotta people had a nice, long weekend. But at the same time, apparently thanks to the 652,000 snow days we had in this area in the winter, a lot of schools actually had class on Memorial Day. So all I saw on Facebook that weekend was “Sure does suck to be a teacher … It’s not fair … we have to work on Memorial Day. This is terrible. Don’t be acting all happy that you have the day off, cuz we don’t.”

And when I saw this … I had to ask one teacher … “OK … so you have to work on Memorial Day, but how many days do you have left after that?”

“Five”

“And then what?”

“Oh I’m off all summer, I’ve got two months to just relax and do whatever.”

So do you see the problem here? Big freakin’ deal you worked on Memorial Day … you get the rest of the summer off. Something tells me most non-teachers would take that deal. Cuz I would.

Not to mention that they only reason you had to work Memorial Day was because you got a ton of random days off from work in the winter time when there was a half an inch of snow on the ground and they closed school for the day. So to have to work Memorial Day was not ideal, but also not worth whining about either.

And yes … I can feel the mob of teachers that are forming right now to come and tear me a new one, so I will say it again … Teachers are awesome. I love you. You take care of our little turds, and put up with all their garbage. And you’re stressed out. And you’re underpaid.

I support you. I’m here to help … I’m just passing along a perception that a lot of non-teachers have, based on the things they hear from the teachers in their lives. Not me … don’t hurt me. I know you work hard … and you deserve the time off. One evening with my OWN kids and I need a drink … I can’t imagine dealing with all of ‘em all day long. And I know not ALL of you get the summer off, but a lotta ya do, which is pretty sweet. So soak it in, and enjoy. And come back in the fall refreshed and happy. Or at least … lie and pretend you’re happy.
Till next time Diary (I hope) … I say goodbye.

Your Loud Barking Dog

 

Dear Diary …

I am a dog person. I have had dogs my entire life. I love ‘em. I think they make great pets. As for cats? Nope! Not for me. Fine if it’s for you, but not for me.

But here’s the thing … dogs aren’t for everybody, and I understand why. It’s not the dogs that make you dislike dogs. It’s the dog owners. Too many of them are lousy. They don’t treat the dogs right, and more importantly, they don’t respect their surroundings.

And yes, I’m speaking directly to you … dog owner with a loud, barkin’ ass dog. The one that sits outside all day, all night [[WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOFF]]. Horrible! And here’s what I don’t understand … how do you not hear them? Because everybody else in your neighborhood hears them, and it’s driving them crazy. Why does it not drive you crazy?

And on what planet would this be acceptable … “Hey it’s two o’clock in the morning and my dog is outside barking. Yeah … I’m OK with that!”

Are your ears broken? “Oh I don’t hear it.” Well you know what … If that’s actually true … HOW? Do you have a REALLY loud air conditioner, or soundproof windows, or do you just drink a bottle of vodka and crash into a semi-coma? Whatever it is, please let the rest of us know so we can do the same thing so we don’t have to listen to your yippy little devil machine.

And full disclosure … I have a beagle. And she’s awful. BOWWWWWWWWW!!!! It’s the worst sound on Earth, but you know what? I hear it. And I don’t like it either. So I bring her inside and make her be quiet. And at night, she goes to bed. That’s how you’re supposed to do it.

OK … moving on Diary … This is for all the people out there that are in charge of making dinner in the house. Like me.

Now … We don’t mind doing it. Most of us enjoy cooking. But there is one part of meal preparation that is far and away the most annoying … picking out the meal. Oh it just hangs over your head constantly … what am I gonna make tonight? Ahhh I got no ideas, I’m not excited about anything, I don’t wanna have to go to the store. It’s agony! And the ultimate kick in the stomach is that once you pick out a meal … well you just gotta start planning for tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. And the next day. It never ends!

So here’s some advice to you non-meal preparers … on those rare occasions that you step in and make dinner … which we love … what we don’t wanna hear … “I don’t know what to make? what should I make? Just tell me what to make and I’ll make it.”

Oh no you don’t … you’re on dinner … you figure it out! This happens to me every time I’m not making the meal. My mother was in town just last week … and says she’ll make dinner. Great! “I don’t know what to make. Whadda ya have in the house? What are you in the mood for? Whaddya want me to make?”

What I want is for you to stop asking. Stop it! If I’m gonna come up with the whole menu … I might as well be the one makin’ it.

So remember this … when you’re on dinner … YOU’RE on dinner. Don’t talk to us. Don’t consult us. We’re already dreading the 647 pots and pans you’re gonna leave for us to wash, so at least let me sit in peace for 10 minutes and not have to come up with the meal. I don’t even care if the meal stinks. I just don’t wanna pick it.

Till next time Diary, I say … Goodbye.

This State Is Broken

 

Dear Diary …

Let me start by saying … I like it here. I’ve lived in a bunch of different places, and Virginia is actually my favorite. Funny irony of that, is that when I was in college, I had a roommate with Virginia plates on his car. And I very distinctly remember thinking, “Virginia? Who the heck lives in Virginia? I’ve never met anybody in my whole life from that place. What a weirdo” And poof … here I am … Virginia! (And happy to be on.e)

That said … this state is messed. Oh wait, I’m sorry. This COMMONWEALTH is messed up.

I mean, all last week, everywhere I went, I say police officers just sittin’ there waitin’ … for YOU to speed and for them to write you a ticket. Heck, not even speeding, my wife got stopped one day for a “license check,” which is something I didn’t even know they did. But Meanwhile, you know what was going on around here at the same time? Crime! Have you seen the numbers for the city of Roanoke? Let’s just say … we’re number one, and this is not an award that we want to be winning.

Now I don’t fault the po-po … they’re just doing what their told. But why are they being told to babysit the general public when they should be spending their time stopping actual crime?

Or how about this compromise … you wanna have the police sit in random parking lots waiting for speeders? Then have them do it in bank parking lots, since we seem to love to rob those around here. Ta-DA! Two birds with one stone. You’re welcome.

And it doesn’t stop there … they tried to propose a law last week to legally limit the amount of people you can have at your house for a cookout. Your house … your burgers and dogs … but they’re in charge of the guest list. Oh yeah, that makes total sense. So that graduation party you throw at your house this month for your kid? Probably illegal.

And while we’re talkin’ grads … the state … I mean the COMMONWEALTH … Is actually spending money on a campaign to remind you that “it’s illegal to give scratch tickets to somebody under the age of 18, so we’re gonna bust you if you give one to a kid at a graduation party.” This is what we’re wasting our time on? And again … while we’re doing this, what else is happening? Crime!

It’s a Nanny State … Nanny COMMONWEALTH … whatever. Point is, I don’t want a nanny. At least not this kind of nanny. You wanna be a nanny state? Fine. Then you do what actual nannies do and you show up at my house tonight at seven o’clock and handle bath time with my two little rugrats while Mommy and Daddy can enjoy a cocktail together. That’s your job as a nanny. You ain’t even doin’ the nanny part right.

OK … moving on Diary … I just need to ask … because pretty much everybody is familiar with a camera, right? I think it’s safe to say we’ve all used one. Heck … most of us now carry one 24-7 on our phones, so I would say we all have a pretty good idea of the concept of the camera and how it works. And yet, when you’re out with a group of people, and you decide you want a picture of the whole group, why is it that the person you ask to take the picture … no matter what they are … young, old, man, woman … that person acts like this is the first picture they’ve ever taken in their entire lives?

Wait … what do I do? Point it over here? And then I push a button? Did I get it? Did I take the picture?

My son knows how to use a camera. He’s two. What is your deal?

And the picture quality? Forget it. Fuzzy … too far away … nine miles of headroom above everybody in the picture. Terrible!

Now I know you people can take pictures. You flood my social media feeds with all the pictures of your little booger eaters and every single thing they do in their lives. So why can’t you take one picture for somebody else when called upon?

Till next time Diary … I say, goodbye.