Category: What’s wrong with you?

Regret Your No Regrets

Dear Diary …

I don’t know why some people talk.  Every time they open their mouth … ppppppbbbbbt … trash just falls out of there.  And I blame dumb phrases that we’ve allowed to become acceptable even though they make you sound like a fool when you say them.  Like “no regrets” … that’s one I hear all the time when I watch the cooking competition show “Chopped.”

So a chef will make a dish … and then they’ll screw something up and they get chopped.  And as they’re leaving in their exit interview they always say … “Oh I mean I stand by my dish.  I have no regrets.  If I could do it again, I wouldn’t change anything.”

Really?  Cuz you know what I would change?  THE THING THAT GOT ME CHOPPED!!!

“Hey Zack … do you have any regrets?”

Why yes … doing the thing that made me lose!!!

Why do we act like it’s bad to have regrets?  Like we’re just supposed to be OK with our dumb decisions and then just pat ourselves on the back and say, “It’s OK buddy … you know that bad judgement you had right there?  Don’t do anything about it! Stay exactly the way you are and keep screwin’ up your whole life!”

Guess what Diary … I have regrets.  Like today … and every day.  I’m doubting my decision to even talk about this in the first place because maybe I could’ve come up with something better!  Regrets are what force you to improve next time … so have em … it’s a good thing!

Here’s another one that makes you sound dumb … “With all due respect.”

And here’s why … every single time you say “with all due respect” you’re about to tell someone something you don’t like about them and probably have no respect for them because you don’t like it.

I mean if I say … “With all due respect … you’re an idiot.”

What respect was that idiot due in the first place?

I’ll tell you the only reason to say “with all due respect” is to trick that person into thinking you respect them at all right before you drop the hammer on their face and insult them.

OK … you know what … I take that one back … I like “With all due respect” … but only when I use it on you.  If you use it on ME, well we gonna throw down then cuz them’s fightin’ words. 

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye 

Kids Don’t Deserve Choices

Dear Diary …

I got some free parenting advice. Yup … free! And it’s not because I’m just so dang generous, it’s that I know nobody ain’t payin’ for my parenting advice anyway, so at least when it’s free you gotta listen.

Here goes … if you give your children choices in life. Wrong! Bad parent! You’re screwing it all up!

“But I don’t understand … I empower my young miracles to make their own decisions in their life. I’m helping them!”

No … no you’re not.

And I’ll tell you why … kids can’t handle choices.

I went to the grocery store with my son the other day and we get to the aisle that has Propel in it. If you don’t know what Propel is, it’s one of those flavored waters that comes in a 12-pack and costs $4 million and is probably one of the reasons why I can’t take a nice vacation because I’m spending my whole paycheck on Propel instead because my son drinks like a case of it a week. But it’s better than him drinking soda, so I’ll just have to suck it up and take a second job at Zaxby’s to pay for all of his fancy water.

Anyway … we get to the Propel and I say … “OK … what flavor do you want?”

[PAUSE]

Uhhhhh ….

Hmmm …

C’mon man … what flavor do you want? There’s really only like three you like anyway … so just pick one and let’s go.

[PAUSE]

Ahhhh …

“I just don’t know which one to get.”

Oh my God!

See? This is why they can’t have choices! I could see the steam puring off this poor kid’s skull as his brain was frying at the prospect of choosing Kiwi Strawberry or Grape. And that’s why normally he doesn’t come to the store with me and I just grab the dang thing off the shelf and move on.

Do NOT give them choices!

Here’s a sure sign of a parent that doesn’t know what they’re doing … watch what they do when they have a kid who plays sports and they have to bring snacks or drinks to one of the games for all of the kids. If they bring some kind of variety pack that has four different flavors or options … they are NOT a smart parent. Smart parents bring one option … totally the same for every single kid.

Because when you give them choices you end up with 11 kids who want blue Gatorade and one three bottles of blue gatorade. Not to mention the fact that every variety pack has one flavor nobody on earth wants. Nobody wants orange Gatorade. Or plain Lay’s chips. Or Funyuns. So on behalf of coaches everywhere … stop bringing those stupid things and forcing us to settle all their unnecessary disputes.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Don’t Respect Your Elders

Dear Diary …

You know how they always say things like “Respect Your Elders” and “Honor thy Forefathers?”  Well I gotta tell ya … I’m not so sure.  I mean yeah … we can respect previous generations.  Absolutely.  We should respect EVERY generation.  Even those no good rotten Millennials deserve respect!

And really I kid about that.  Millennials get a bad rap … “Oh they’re just a lazy generation that’s young and dumb and doesn’t wanna work.”  That is EVERY generation when they’re young.  Cuz when you’re young … you’re dumb … and you don’t wanna work!  I promise you there were 16 year olds in the Greatest Generation that were all, “Maaaaa … I don’t wanna go work in the fields.  I’m just gonna sit here and look at the box of sticks I use as toys.”  Every generation is lazy when they’re young … it’s part of being young.

Oh and by the way … to all of you that keep posting that dumb thread about “it’s a fact that my generation was the last one to play outside and we didn’t have a phone in our hands all the time.”  Oh please!  I’m in that generation, and you know what we loved, watching tons of TV, playing video games, and talking on the phone until our parents yanked the cord out of the wall.  Not to mention the fact that you probably posted that status on your Facebook page FROM YOUR PHONE and then sat there all day hittin’ refresh to see how many likes it got.

OK … but I’m getting sidetracked here.  “Respect Your Elders” … why? 

Sure … they did some things, but you ever tried to get plumbing and electrical fixed in your house when it was built by one of these old coot generations?  What was wrong with these people?  It was as if their goal was to make sure all plumbing and electrical was done in a way that it was impossible to get to later if you needed to fix it, and everything was installed at an angle that no tool can actually reach.

Why I gotta respect these people that treated the inner workings of my house like it was a funhouse maze that some poor future generation … i.e. ME … had to figure out?  See? This is what happens when people don’t have video games.  They treat the homebuilding process like it’s a video game and they’re hidin’ Easter eggs all throughout the walls.

“Respect Your Elders” … FAHHH!  And don’t even get me started on the Forefathers.  I don’t know why people get so uptight about the Constitution.  Yeah … it’s got some important stuff in there, but it was also written 250 years ago. I don’t even trust a cookbook that was written in 1987, so why am I gonna trust a document that was written during a time where guys thought it was cool to wear wigs and have wooden teeth?  That’s like taking your investment advice from that weird man that sits on the bench outside the post office.

You wanna do that? Good luck! I’m all for learning from older generations, but let’s also not forget these are the people that thought you should put leeches on your body when you didn’t feel good.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

Dear Diary …

This is a message to the people of the world … You are a liar. And not only are you a liar, but we KNOW you’re liar. You’re not fooling anybody with your silly little stories. You’re a liar. And we know you’re a liar. And we want you to know that we know that you’re a liar.

“What do you mean? I always tell the truth!”

Whatever, liar.

There are times when you start flappin’ your jaws, and we are on to your scam.

Like when I send you a text message and ask you a question that requries an answer … and you don’t respond for six hours, and then you say, “Oh sorry, I’m just seeing this text right now.”

LIAR!!!!

“I’m just seeing this text” is the modern day equivalent of the 1987 lie of, “I don’t know what happened to your message on my answering machine. I never got it.”

And you know how I know you’re not “just seeing” my text? You’re lyin’ behind has been all over Facebook, Instagram, and whatever the heck else for the last six hours … which I’m sure you’ve been using your phone for.

Not to mention the fact that every time I’m around you, I gotta pry your nose outta your phone to even get your attention. So I know darn well you’re not “just seeing my text.”

Here’s another one the liars of the world like to throw out there … Observe …

“Hey where would you like to go for dinner tonight?”

“I don’t mind. Anywhere is fine.”

Liar … liar … liar … liar … LIAR!!!

“Anywhere” is NOT fine! I know darn well you at least have some kind of preference in your head … so out with it.

Why do we play this game?

And let me be more specific … ladies … ladies, ladies, ladies … Why do we play this game?

We men don’t know much, but we know you’re messing with us here. Playing some sort of “let’s see if he really knows me” head game just to test us. I’ll let you in on a little secret … we’re never gonna figure it out. We are clueless. So stop thinking things are ever gonna change.

Or maybe … I don’t know … it’s some sort of Jedi Mind Trick you’re trying to perfect … “This is not the restaurant you’re looking for … You want to choose Olive Garden.”

Ladies … please … stop lying to us. We’re too dumb to figure it out anyway. We’re smart enough to know you’re a liar, but that’s about it. So save yourself the aggravation and pick the stinkin’ restaurant you wanna go to.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The $27,000 Trash Can

Dear Diary …

I have something shocking to reveal about myself. Never in my life did I think I’d become a person of such excess and extravagance, but it is true and I need to accept it and confess it to you. I own a $27,000 trash can.

Crazy right? You probably think I’m making this up, but it is totally true. I never thought I’d get to a position of riches where I would own a $27,000 trash can. And even if I DID end up gettin’ that rich, I still never thought I’d be a person who would spend $27,000 on just a trash can.

But friends … it’s true.

Now … I should point out that this trash can wasn’t originally branded and sold as a trash can, it was initially referred to as something called “a car.”

I originally purchased it with the plans of using it for it’s intended goal … to be a car … but I see now after driving my children all around town for the past six months, this large metallic object on four wheels isn’t actually a car to them, rather a large moving receptacle that is available for all of their filth and garbage.

This car ain’t even that old and there’s just trash all over the place. And muddy footprints on the door and one of the seats has some kind of stickiness on it … almost like syrup. Who had syrup in the car? At no time did I serve pancakes in this automobile, so where did this syrup-like substance even come from???

And don’t even go in the trunk … because that’s actually a $27,000 gym locker filled with baseball equipment, wrestling shoes, gross socks and God knows what else. Actually … God probably doesn’t know what else, cuz he ain’t stickin’ his holy nose in that nasty funkbox to find out.

These monsters simply don’t care! And what gets me the most is they come in the car with a drink or a snack or something, and when they leave the car, they just leave the trash. They don’t even give it a second thought. Empty chip bag can actually be IN their hands and they’ll just toss it on the floor and walk out.

And whatever jerk invented those pouches on the back of the chair … Henry Ford or whoever … yeah I hate that guy. All he did was invent a hidey hole of rotting garbage that you’ll never be able to get fully clean since there’s no way to scoop out all the nastiness that collects in there.

I mean if you told me as a kid that I’d own a $27,000 trash can, I’d be all excited because I’d think I was loaded. Meanwhile I’m scrapin’ together coins just to buy a dozen eggs at the store because they’re about as absurdly priced as this $27,000 trash can!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Bready Disaster

Dear Diary …

Something I never understand is why we let certain things exist even though they are completely dumb or just flat out wrong. And yet … we do absolutely nothing to correct it, and just go about our lives putting up with it.

Over the weekend I made sausages. Now … I don’t go making no sausages from scratch with giant tubes and whatnot. I bought sausages … made some peppers and onions … throw ‘em on a sub bun … and whop-PEOM … sausage and peppers.

Here’s the problem … the sub bun.

Bread has been around since … like … you know … Jesus … but in all that time we still allow that when you buy sub buns … and hot dog buns are like this too … if you buy ones that are pre-sliced, it is done in a way where 95% of the bun is on one side of the slice, and then this thin, wispy little bread layer is left on the other side. And from there … disaster is guaranteed 100% of the time and your bun is falling apart and sausage is splooging all over the place while you try to eat.

WHY?

There is no reason for this!

Just slice it evenly down the middle and we don’t have a problem. There is not a human alive that wants it the way we currently do it … so why is this OK?

Here’s another one …

I went to the store recently because I have a drill … and the battery on the drill is dead. So I go to buy a replacement battery.

And guess what I learned?

Replacement batteries for your drill cost more than just BUYING A NEW DRILL that comes with a brand new battery!

HUH?

And I tell this story to somebody and they say, “Oh yeah, that’s a thing.”

Why is that “a thing?”

Like I don’t understand the reasoning at all. Why am I getting more stuff for less money? And why am I paying more money for less stuff?

If I need new tires for my car, they don’t cost $32,000.

It just seems so simple … and yet here we are making it harder on ourselves for no reason.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

You’re Awful. Deal With It

Dear Diary …

Oh man … here we go again. That time of year where we all lie to ourselves.

“It’s January and I’m going to start fresh and make all kinds of changes!”

Yeah yeah yeah … feel like I heard this one before.

Ugh it’s so annoying … gotta look at a work refrigerator with a bunch of yogurts in it. See a bunch of randos at the gym. Listen to dumb phrases like “New year … new you!” over and over again.

Look … people … can we just face the facts here? You’re awful. And that’s OK!

I’m not saying I’m any better … I’m awful too, but what DOES make me better is that I am at least honest with myself … recognize that I’m awful … and lean into it.

Let me tell you a story about burritos …

For the longest time, I used to heat up a breakfast burrito for … well … breakfast. Tasty, easy, satisfying. But then one day my stupid brain said, “Boy we should really start the day with something healthy, wealthy, and wise.” And me, since I’m a idiot, listened to my brain and said “No more burritos! We will now have things like yogurt … or oatmeal!”

And I am here to report that after doing that for the last bunch of months … I hate it!

Yogurt is so dumb. Like who in their right mind would say … Hey you know what I want for breakfast? Something white, creamy, and tangy. Barf!

And oatmeal? Who am I … Oliver Twist? Please sir … can I have some more? I don’t wanna feel like I’m eating like poor people from the 1800’s or those sad gray humans who were fighting in the Matrix. Oatmeal and gruel are the same thing … nuff said!

And here’s the other thing … it’s not like I looked any different because of my super amazing sad breakfast of health. I looked exactly the same … just felt less satisfied every morning.

Sooo … I’m going back to burritos!! And guess what? I am eating one right now … and it is delicious … and I am not sorry about it at all!

Stop lying to yourself and acting like you’re some sort of perfect human. Just be the same awful person that you always were … and be the best dang awful person you can be. Like somehow you’ve healed all the woes of the universe because you did Dry January? Cuz all you do is go right back to Wet February anyway … so really … you’re just a fraud for a month and none of us should trust you.

Do YOU wanna trust someone who claims they have changed, but deep down knows that they’re just living a lie and are going to go right back to their old ways in a couple weeks? Of course you don’t.

So to my fellow horrible humans I say this … go out there and be terrible … it’s way more fun and genuine anyway.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Pentatonix is the Devil

Dear Diary …

I know this is gonna rub some people the wrong way because they’re all popular and for some warped reason people actually like them, but Pentatonix is the devil. And if you don’t know who Pentatonix are … oh my God you’re so lucky … can I live in your cave with you please?

But if you don’t actually know … they’re that accapella beatboxin’ bee-boppin’ whozomijanglin’ group of doofuses that won some kind of show … I don’t know … the Voice … or Sign Off … or America’s Got a Headache … one of those things … and they’re basically best known for destroying Christmas songs.

OK look … I’m not a hater … (OK … I’m totally a hater) … but I just wanna be clear … they’re super talented. Way more talented than me. But their talents are being used for evil, because they just HURT when I hear ‘em.

Diary … I love Christmas music … but when I got my Christmas music on I want …

[[[CHILL XMAS MUSIC STARTS[]]]

Ohhh yeah … there it is. Let’s hang out by the fire … have some egg nog … Merry Christmas baby.

But then all of a sudden you get … [[FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA]]

Ugh! Why are there so many people? Singing all at the same time!

[[FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA / MORE FA LA LA-ING]]

Ugh! So many fa-la-la’s … stop!

You see what I’m talking about? It’s like a headache. Why do they have to be … so … just … [[FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA]] … THAT?

Again … they’re talented … but I don’t want my Christmas music sounding like the loudest episode of “Glee.”

[[CAROL OF THE BELLS STARTS]]

And this one … there’s so many people making noise … all at the same … and who’s this low talkin’ guy?

Alright that it! Christmas is cancelled!

I’m sorry ya’ll … they stink. I’ve been to middle school Christmas concerts that were less hurty than Pentatonix. Even the name … it’s so SHARP … PPPP … PEN … TA … TON … Golf tee in your temple.

OK I can’t take it anymore. I’m outta here. Till next time Diary … I say … [[FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA]]

Ugh.

Bye.

7 Layers of Sadness

7 Layers of Sadness

Dear Diary …

It is always so hard in our lives to resist temptation … mainly because temptation is AWESOME!  It’s all the best stuff!  Eatin’ … drinkin’ … other stuffin’ … but sadly it’s all mostly bad for you, so you gotta try to resist the temptation. 

Now … not ALL temptation is fun and awesome.  Some of it is a total trap.  You think it’s going to be fun and awesome, but then it ends up being totally overrated and a web of lies.  So today … I’m going to rat out some of those things, so you don’t get duped into doing them.

Because look … there’s a lot of temptation … especially during the holiday season, and you want to make sure you’re spending your time on the GOOD temptations and not the total letdowns.

So … this holiday season … resist the temptation to throw an ugly Christmas sweater party.  I know, I know … you’re thinking, “But it’ll be so zany and fun!”  OK … well … it ain’t.

First … you make all your friends have to go buy an ugly Christmas sweater, and since the internet has caught on to this dorky little trend, those things are EXPENSIVE.  Now you’re dropping 60-70 bucks just to buy something that you KNOW looks terrible.  That’s just wasteful.

Then … you show up at this party and EVERYBODY looks terrible.  Part of the fun of parties is going there and having everybody look cute and awesome so you can all drink too much eggnog and end up doing other temptation-y things under the mistletoe. 

But nobody wants to do do that when you all look unflattering and terrible.  Not to mention HOT.  And not … “Oh that girl of there is hot” … I mean, “Holy crap this heavy ass wool sweater is HOT and I’m about to pass out.”  Face all flushed … sweaty and gross … yeah … this is the worst party ever.  Resist the temptation!

Oh … and when you’re at these holiday parties … please resist the temptation to bring the single most overrated appetizer in the history of food … 7-Layer Dip. 

“But Zack … it sounds so yummy!”

OK … well … it’s not.  Seven soggy layers of things dumped out of a can and onto a plate.  Barf.  I blame Instagram and Pinterest for this one … because you see these 7-Layer Dips that look all pretty, and you think, “Ooooh … I’m gonna make that!”

Problem is, that’s before anybody has touched them.  And as soon as one human takes one chip and scoops that dip one time … it starts to become an oozing sludge of bean juice, sour cream, and salsa water.  When’s the last time you wanted to eat a food that could be described as “wet and runny?”  So why start now?  Resist the temptation!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Screw the Supply Chain

Dear Diary …

I hate excuses. It’s just such a wimpy way to wander thru life. Just accept responsibility for whatever happens and move on. Is that really THAT hard to do? Apparently it is, because we LOVE excuses, especially when we could find big blanket ones that all of society could lean on.

Remember when bullying became the big excuse for everything? Now don’t get me wrong, actual bullying is wrong and needs to be dealt with, but we started using the term “bullying” for everything. All of a sudden you were free to screw up, and if anybody called you out on it …

“They’re bullying me!”

No. You screwed up. All they did was point out that you screwed up.

“But it hurt my feelings. Bullying!”

Yeah … see … that’s what I’m talking about. Or like when everybody started using “COVID” for just about any excuse you wanted. Wanna flake out on plans? COVID. Wanna just not show up to work? COVID. Cheat on your wife? Uhhh …. COVID?

But here’s the one we’re in right now and I am straight up over it … “Supply Chain.”

We use “supply chain” for pretty much any excuse we want.

Why is a loaf of bread $5? “Uhhh … supply chain.”

And why is this shelf empty? “Oh you know … supply chain.”

No! No more supply chain. I get it … just like the bullying thing … there are times where it is the legitimate explanation, but we’re just using it as an excuse to get out of things.

Like let me give the grocery store a heads up right now … when Thanksgiving week gets here again … people are gonna buy more heavy cream, more butter, and more herbs. There! You have ONE YEAR to prepare because I guarantee you that next year people are gonna … again … buy more heavy cream, more butter, and more herbs. This will NOT sneak up on you!

And this is not a post-COVID thing … I remember VERY well that back in 2019 the same shelves were bare. This should not happen! You run a business right? And the goal of your business is to make money, right?

I mean … I’m no Jeff Bezos but if I own a business that sells heavy cream, butter, and herbs … I’m gonna make sure to have plenty of those things available when people wanna buy them so I can MAKE MORE MONEY.

Look at me … giving sage business advice! (Sage .. I should use that … it’s an herb.) Maybe I’ll write a book or something!

So don’t you “supply chain” me anymore. Look … just tell the truth … we don’t really wanna work harder so you’re just gonna get what you get and then we go home for the day. I respect that answer more already!

Till next time Diary … I say .. Goodbye.