Dear Diary …
It seems like it was a billion years ago, but believe it or not we are still not even one month removed from Christmas. And I know we’re still in Christmas’ shadow because I see things like dusty old snowflake tins of stale fudge sitting on my kitchen counter.
Or speaking of dusty old things … the toys.
Yeah that’s right … they were glorious shiny new gifts from Santa Claus and his old lady just a few short weeks ago, but now they already look like crappy old hand-me-downs that are one step away from the yard sale bin.
So annoying. The kids get this straight up orgy of gifts … stuff they just HAD to have. And now what do they want every day? The iPad.
“Can I play the iPad?”
Santa brought you a thousand dollars worth of presents. Go play with those!
“But I wanna play the iPad!”
Why did we get them anything? I should’ve just got them 10 bucks each in the app store and called it a day.
Oh my daughter just HAD to have Ice Skating Princess Elsa. Diary, she’s played with it exactly two times, and now it’s missing an ice skate.
That’s the other thing … these toys are all cheap pieces of crap. Kids play with ‘em a handful of times and then they’re broken. Ooops …. Sor-rry … Can we go shopping at Toys R Us now? No we can not go shopping at Toys R Us now!
And let me just ask … How does anybody on Earth keep track of Legos? I swear I turn around for one second and there’s six pieces missing. Are my kids just worse than other kids? Or is it me? Am I too dumb to keep track of them?
I can’t even keep track of those big ridiculous Duplo ones. Regular tiny Legos? Forget it! But you know what Lego does have? An app. Can’t lose that!
OK … moving on Diary …
I like television. When I have some free time, I like to catch up on a show or watch a movie or whatever. Other people are book people. And that would be fine with me if book people would go ahead and keep their noses in those books, instead of constantly sticking them in the air when they’re around non-book people.
Oh you’re SOOO smart!
There’s nothing worse than being a non-book person who ends up trapped in a conversation with a couple of book people … because all they wanna do is try to prove to each other how many books they’ve read.
“Did you read Hunger Games?”
“Well yeah of course … I read all of those. But did you read Divergent?”
“Duh … I read it right after I read Wild and Factory Man, and the 50 Shades trilogy. Did you read The Fault In Our Stars?”
OK … enough with your scorecarding there bookworm!
And furthermore … You notice a pattern there in all those books I rattled off? They’re all now movies. Gloriously succinct two hour capsules of that book you spent a month reading.
I mean let’s be honest … we only have one life to live here people and we ain’t gettin’ this time back. So if I can watch nine movies in the time it takes you to read one book, I think I’m winning here.
Cuz Imaybe it’s not for you, but MY time is important. Really it’s one of the most precious things I have, and I don’t wanna waste it. And with that in mind … I’ve been making some changes.
For example … I said I was a TV guy … I’m a fan of The Bachelor. Actually, I should say I USED to be a fan of The Bachelor. Cuz I fired that show.
Why? Not because it isn’t any less saucy, salacious, or ridiculous, but because it’s too stinkin’ long.
The premiere this season was THREE HOURS. And then every week is another two hours … MINIMUM. So in a 16 episode season you’re looking at at LEAST 33 hours of this doofus and his harem of desperate skanks. This is not respecting my time!
Cuz what happens at the end of the season? They break up! So now I’ve just spent a day and a half of my life on a sham.
Now I’m no better than book people if I allow this to happen!
“Oh but the book is ALWAYS better than the movie.”
AHHHH!!! … Enough! I’ll give you a book recommendation … read a cookbook and make us all a pot roast. We’ll eat it while we watch Gone Girl in 90 minutes.
Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.