Halloween Catalogs and Fake Outrage

Dear Diary …

Me and Halloween have a long dramatic history. Never liked Halloween. Even as a kid … I cried almost every year. Getting forced into costumes I didn’t wanna be in. Gettin’ dragged around town with a 102 degree fever. I didn’t really even like candy that much, so there wasn’t even THAT to fall back on. I’m probably the only kid in ‘Murica that still had a Halloween candy stash from LAST year when the new Halloween rolled around THIS year.

And of course I grow up and end up in probably the only adult profession on Earth where you still HAVE to dress up for Halloween every year. Sure, other adults do it for fun, but I HAVE to. It’s for work. And I get it … it’s God’s little joke. Ha ha ha.

But I’m evolved now … I’m past all that. OK … I’m NOT past all that. But I at least accept it for what it is and try to move on. And one good thing is now I can at least move on to a new phase of Halloween that I can actually enjoy … my children loving Halloween. That part is fun, because they LOVE Halloween. They talk about their costumes for MONTHS and are so excited once they pick them out.

So I think I’m safe … the demons of sucky Halloweens past can’t get ME no more! And then … the Halloween costume catalogs start showing up in the mail.

So yeah … I HAD two children that picked out their Halloween costumes and were all excited about it … my daughter ready to be a black cat, and my son all geeked out to be Batman … until they see this evil, retched propaganda machine. Oh I’m sorry … “Evil, EXPENSIVE, retched propaganda machine.”

Guess who don’t wanna be a black cat no more? That’s right … now she wants to be a butterfly. And not just any butterfly Diary, but a $160 butterfly from this catelog that has poisoned my home.

But … I thought you wanted to be a black cat? You know all pretty and “meow” … with the $11 we spent at Jo-Ann Fabrics and I don’t need to spend any more money … you wanna be that … right?

“I changed my mind!”

You didn’t change your mind … the evil Halloween Manifesto messed with your mind and made you want to buy things.

Now my son … he still wants to be Batman. So you think … “Phew! Dodged a bullet there!”


He wants to be Batman pictured in the catalog. Not Batman we’re borrowing from a friend for free that fits him perfectly.

“No … I want ‘DIS Batman in cag-glog!” … Yeah … $90 Batman in cag-log of course.

Why I didn’t just BURN that thing the second it touched my mailbox, I have no idea. Stupid Halloween!

OK … moving on Diary …

We need to all just chill out. And I know that seems like an obvious statement, but we just refuse to, and we still let every single thing get us “SO OFFENDED” and we must “PROTEST!” everything. It’s exhausting.

Like last week, people are all mad at the Call of Duty video game … you know … the military shooter game. So they got a new game coming out … and they also have a Twitter account. So from their account … cuz they think it’ll be a fun little promotion … they start Tweeting out fake news headlines that were actually just things that take place in the new video game. And yes, they were about things like war and terrorist attacks. But again … fake things that are happening in the video game.

So we take them in stride, right? Of course not! We fly off the handle … “How DARE you cause PANIC from your fake headlines!!!”

OK … chill out. Now while I may agree it probably wasn’t the best idea to do this, since clearly we over-react about everything … this simple fact does still remain … If you are getting your “news” from the username @CallofDuty on Twitter and you think it’s real … YOU ARE A MORON!!!

How about you spend … oh I don’t know … four seconds checking another source to verify what you read was real or fake before you go flying off the handle?

But no! We don’t do that. Instead, we immediately start blindly posting … “I hereby forbid Facebook from using my pictures and status updates in the future. So says this official-sounding status update thing that I cut and pasted from somebody else.”

Seriously … one second on Google and you’d know that was a hoax.

I know. “Check your facts” is a crazy suggestion.

I say it again … CHILL OUT.

This is why weed is getting legalized in this country … we’re too freakin’ high strung.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.