Scratchy Toilet Paper

Dear Diary …

Now I know that people are entitled to their own opinions, and that’s fine. We can always “agree to disagree” on things and still live happily ever after. That said, I do think there are some things that everybody on Earth should agree on. No argument. End of discussion.

And it’s not because I think something like “Oh MY opinion is the right opinion.” I don’t mean that. I mean that the opinion is the ONLY opinion because there is no other logical choice.

Take the movie “Birdman” for example. It’s terrible. No argument necessary because there is no counterpoint here. You can’t possibly like that movie. I don’t care what some dorky Academy says. That movie is not good.

I have a coworker that says he likes it. And there’s only two possible explanations for his claim …

1. He’s lying and he’s trying to look cool. Or …

2. Medical. He has some, like, a tumor or something and he doesn’t know it, and it’s laying on the decision-making part of his brain, and it makes him think he likes “Birdman.”

That’s it.

OK … I guess MAYBE some small group of warped people like that movie, so throw that one out and forget I said anything.

Here’s one that we should all people able to agree on … Nobody wants scratchy, uncomfortable toilet paper, right?

That one seems obvious to me that we would ALL wants a nice soft toilet paper when we’re doin’ our thing. But then, in the real world, that’s not being practices. I go out of town this weekend and I stay at my friend’s house. Now this is a grown man with a good job … He’s a father for crying out loud. And yet … scratchy ol’ Scott is the only toilet paper in his house. what is wrong with him? Does he hate himself?

Now I was willing to cut him some slack … He’s a bachelor. The only two things he had in his fridge were pickles and beer. So maybe he doesn’t know what he’s doing because his ex-wife did all the grocery shopping. Fine.

But the next night … we all stay at his brother’s house … who’s also a friend of mine. Now this guy … Family man … Wife … Nice house. His job? Scientist. I mean he’s even got the glasses. So he’s smarter than me … or so I thought. Because I use the bathroom and … hello … scratchy ol’ Scott again.

What is wrong with these people? What is wrong with anybody who buys this stuff?

And don’t play the poor card because …

1. They ain’t poor. And …

2. Even if they are, Angel Soft is like a dollar. And yeah it ain’t the best, but it’s soft. It’s in the name. Keyword: SOFT.

I mean, if you ain’t gonna treat your butt with respect, then how can you be trusted to appropriately love anything in this world?

There’s plenty of things we can disagree on all day long … politics, parenting, how to cook your steak … but scratchy toilet paper? C’mon! That’s a no-brainer!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.