Sitting Outside is for Suckers

Dear Diary …

Summertime … we are definitely into it now. And a lot of things are great about the summer … wearin’ shorts, going on vacation, fresh fruits and vegetables at the Farmer’s Market. All those things are good. At the same time there are plenty of things that are totally overrated about the summer … sand, kids being home all the time, and one in particular that I wanna address today … sitting outside.

I don’t know why we think we gotta do it in the summer … But we go to a restaurant and there’s a perfectly comfortable, air conditioned inside. And yet for some misguided reason, we think we gotta say “no thank you” to that, and bake our bodies outside in the hot sun instead.

Sure … there’s a time and a place when it’s great to sit outside, but we’re beyond that now. That’s for a month ago when it was warm. Now it’s hot. Stinky sweaty butt crack, Southern humidity, heat stroke kinda hot … and yet like a bunch of dummies we’re like “Hey let’s sit outside!”

No! Let’s not!

Cuz here’s the deal … at just about every restaurant with outdoor seating there’s like 3 comfortable seats with nice shade, and the rest are one million degrees and just … sweaty. Not good for the person, terrible for the ice cubes in your drink, and downright disastrous for your yummy mayonnaise-laden chicken salad sandwich you just ordered up.

Who are we impressing by sitting out here? If God wanted us to sit outside, he never would’ve invented air conditioning in the first place! Totally overrated!

OK … moving on Diary …

Her e’s something i’m making illegal wehn I’m King of Zackmeria … and I don’t care how old or young you are … crimes against chicken wings will be punishable to the fullest extent of the laws.

Kids are the worst at this. I’ve had to watch my daughter and her friends commit chicken wing abuse time and time again, where we Moms and Dads order delicious chicken wings for everybody to enjoy.

And I don’t know about you … but I can eat me my share of chicken wings. There’s pretty much always room for at lest one more. And there is no bigger travesty than when you want another wing and realize they’re all gone … and then you see it … that wing sitting on some kid plate … with like two tiny bites taken out of it and 90% of the deliciousness just sitting there … RUINED.

“Oh you can just eat it”

No you can’t!

Kid mouths are gross. Even your own kids … but especially other people’s kids. You have no idea why kind of bacteria and boogers they’ve been lickin’ all over that chicken wing. So instead … you gotta just throw that poor wing out. Bye bye little angel … total crime against chicken wing humanity.

So you know what? As a leader … sometimes the right decision isn’t always the easiest decision. Kid … enjoy prison. They’ll learn!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.