Dear Diary …
Today, let me present to you a segment I call “Statements That Are Never True.” These are things that lots of people say that they may THINK are true, but if you examine them at their core, are always a lie.
Here’s one … The statement “I have a funny story.”
In my experience, the person who says “I have a funny story,” delivers a funny story zero percent of the time. You wanna know why? Because humor is subjective, so it’s up to ME to decide it’s a funny story. When you tell me ahead of time it’s a funny story, I’m already trying to figure out the ways it ISN’T a funny story. Which is usually pretty easy, because people who tell funny stories don’t like to let you know ahead of time, because part of what makes them funny is to catch you off guard with the funny parts.
And while we’re on the topic of humor, the statement “I have a really good sense of humor” is always said by someone who has a terrible sense of humor. These are those losers that are easily offended by everything on Earth, and their fall back is always “I have a good sense of humor… BUUUUUUT ….” Yeah .. no buts. Either you know how to laugh at the world or you don’t. And you don’t.
Continuing on with statements that are never true …
“I don’t normally post things like this on Facebook” is always following by something really annoying that you ALWAYS post on Facebook.
“Let me just get on my soap box for a minute”
Girl … you LIVE on that soap box. I’d like you to step off it for a minute for once in your life!
Statements that aren’t true: “I’m not crazy”
Cuckoo!!!!
Then there’s “I’m smart!”
I got news for you … you’re not!
Because SMART people keep that to themselves. They want to use their intelligence to their advantage, so the less you know about it, the better their advantage. Only dodos announce it … “I’m smart!” Yeah … sure you are, doofus. You go back in your cage now and come out when the grownups are done talking.
The take home? Think before you speak. Because we all know you’re full of crap most of the time.
OK … moving on Diary …
We are right in the middle of cold and flu season. I know this, because I hear the slurping and snorting of my two children all … the … time.
Why can’t kids figure out how to blow their nose?
They just sit there … with those boogers … just hanging out in there. Gettin’ all dry and hard. And growing. Like they’re building a home with their booger wives and booger kids.
That’s love right there by the way, because when you become a parent nobody tells you you gotta pick the boogers out of a five year-old’s nose. Sure, you figure you gotta go it when they’re a baby. But five years old? Blow that snot outta there!
They just don’t know how to blow. You give ’em a tissue …
“I can’t do it!”
Blow!
Nnnngggghhhhhh
BLOW!!!!
And the boogers are the size of hamsters by the time you dig ‘em outta there.
“It hurts!”
No crap it hurts. You got a booger that’s been living in your nose for 8 days. Get that thing outta there!
Yeah … this is the stuff they don’t tell you in no “parenting book” from these so called “experts.”
(Oh … enjoy your breakfast by the way.)
Till next time Diary … I say .. Goodbye.