Don’t Nanny State Me

Dear Diary …

I am a responsible person. I do the right thing. I take the right precautions. I’m cool with that.

BUT … I don’t wanna be told to do those things.

I don’t need big businesses and the government “Nanny State-ing” me and always telling me what to do. Oh and I know they’ll be all, “We just want you to be safe because we love you so much.” Bull pucky!

Like for example … I wear my seatbelt. I wanna be safe in the car and in case I get in an accident, I wanna be protected. Heck, I’ve BEEN in an accident, so I definitely wanna have my seatbelt on. But what I don’t need is this …

{ALARM SOUND}

This is the alarm … in my car when you don’t wear your seatbelt.

And it just keeps getting faster … and louder … and more annoying … and does … not … STOP!!!

OK it does actually stop … but only after five minutes of that torture (I sat thru it to find out).

So here’s the thing … I wear my seat belt … I think everybody should wear their seat belt … but that alarm makes me NOT WANT TO WEAR MY SEATBELT simply because I don’t wanna be told what to do by some stupid alarm.

Cuz here’s the thing … you don’t wanna wear your seatbelt? Fine. I don’t really care. It doesn’t change my day … but neither of us should have to deal with ding-dong the annoying robot alarm simply because a car manufacturer is trying to cover their own butt if you get in an accident, “Well we have an alarm so they wear it!”

Don’t Nanny State me!

My car also does this … if you’re driving for an extended period of time … like I went to South Carolina a couple weeks ago … this little bell goes off and then on the console it says, “Would you like to take a break?”

No I would not like to take a break. I am trying to get somewhere and make good time. Do you not understand the importance of making good time? I’m not tooling along the road … wandering aimlessly and looking to stop at a lovely country store that I drive past. Leave me alone!

There’s no need for these warnings because there’s already two kinds of people in the world … the responsible ones and the irresponsible ones. The responsible ones are already doing the responsible things. And the irresponsible ones? They’re NEVER gonna listen and I’m sorry to be cold here … but shouldn’t we lose a few of them along the way to make all of our lives easier anyway? Why we going out of our way to protect the stupid? Unnecessary!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Eat Drink and Sit

Eat Drink and Sit

Dear Diary …

I enjoy me a beach vacation. Granted … sand is kinda just … awful and sandy … but it’s all part of the experience. The sun … the surf … the smell of the ocean air … I’m cool with all that. However, there is one thing that is totally ruining the beach going experience. And it doesn’t even have to be a thing.

I mean I don’t know about you, but I go to the beach to eat, drink, and sit. That’s what you’re supposed to do, right? It’s a time to leave everyday hassles behind and just enjoy a different life for a couple days. Which is why I don’t need you people who are doing all kinds of exercisin’ at the beach. What is wrong with you? I thought the whole point was to get AWAY from everyday life? I mean do you go inside and open your mail and pay bills while you’re at it?

I was just at the beach recently and in the morning I’m on my way to the store … and to be clear I’m on my way to the store because I have leftover mac and cheese and pulled pork BBQ and I need to buy tortillas so I can make awesomely ooey gooey BBQ pork and mac and cheese quesadillas. And beer. Needed more beer.

So what I don’t need is to look up and see some guy standing on the deck of his beach house doing all sorts of exercises. He’s got those rubber band tension band thingies and he’s just standing there with his arms pushed all the way out … and just holdin’ it. Not to mention he’s dressed like a fluorescent green traffic cone so he’s REALLY going out of his way to be all, “Look at ME! I’m exercising at the BEACH!”

Alright look here Mr. Universe … you’re not better than me just because you’re still “gettin’ a workout in” while you’re on vacation. Truth is you’re probably better than me for a lot of reasons because I’m awful … but this isn’t one of them!!!

And for as bad as that person in, the people who go running on the actual beach are even worse. Because now I’m sittin’ there doing my … you know … eat drink and sit like I’m supposed to go … I got them all right in front of me runnin’ around with their little fanny pack water bottles … keep looking at their watch like they’re timing themselves for a race or something.

Get outta here with this! I don’t come to the gym and sit down next to you and eat a pizza because that’s your “workout zone.” So I don’t need to see you doing a bunch of lunges here in the “eat drink and sit zone.”

C’mon people! Somtimes it’s OK to just … be BAD and have some fun. Stupid work and chores and the gym will be there when you get back. Eat drink and sit!!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

How to Tell If You’re a Bad Person

The Bad Person Test

Dear Diary …

It’s good to be able to know if somebody is a good person or a bad person. I mean … we wanna know that, right? We wanna know who’s gonna look out for us, and we DEFINITELY wanna know who’s going to try to screw us over when we least expect it. And the problem is, you can’t just ask somebody, “Hey are you a bad person?”

Because NOBODY thinks they’re a bad person. Even the bad people. It’s just like how nobody thinks they’re the one who drives slowly in the left hand lane, or they’re the one who causes drama on Facebook, or whatever else. It’s always somebody else. Never them.

So because of this … we need little secret tests. And these tests will help show you who’s a good person, and who’s a bad person.

Here’s one you can do the next time you’re in your car … you’re in a left hand turn lane … and the light turns green. Start watching the cars in front of you. Specifically … start watching the space in between each car as they head thru the intersection.

If you see someone who is right behind the car in front of them … that’s a good person. They are moving thru the intersection with some hustle, because they want as many cars behind them as possible to also make it thru the light. But when you see a decent sized gap between two cars? BAD PERSON! TERRIBLE PERSON!

This person doesn’t care about anyone or anything. They just care about themselves. As long as THEY make it thru the light, they don’t care one bit about the cars behind them. As far as they’re concerned, the whole line of cars could just catch fire, explode and die. THEY made it thru the light … sorry losers!

Sam goes for when the light is green and you are simply just drivin’ along … normal humans drive with a purpose. You go the speed limit … you maybe go a LITTLE bit more than the speed limit. That’s because you’re a good person.

Bad people just … slowwwwly tool along the intersection. Bunk-a-dunk-a-dunk. “Oh look … that light is now turning yellow. Better slowwwwwwly coast thru and be the last car.”

Bad person!

You know how they say, “Not all heroes wear capes?” Yeah, well “Not all monsters have big fangs or look like Frankenstein.” Sometimes they’re just in the Kia Sorrento in front of you not caring whether you live or die.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Parking Lot Waltz

The Parking Lot Waltz

Dear Diary …

I don’t mind a little singin’ and dancin’ … granted I can’t even figure out how to properly Floss, but if you can pull it off … more power to ya. That said … there’s a time and a place for singin’ and dancin’ … especially dancin’ … and that place is NOT the parking lot at the grocery store.

And I know what you’re thinking … “Who’s twerking in the parking lot at the grocery store?” First of all … nobody. Second … that one I’d probably be OK with … because what I’m not OK with is the parking lot waltz.

You know the parking lot waltz … even if you don’t think you do.

It’s when you’re trying to drive to a parking space, and the person walking in front of your car in your way is [[music]] … doing a long … slow … diagonal waltz thru the parking lot. Not a care in the world. And clearly not in a hurry to get anywhere.

You JUST saw me one second ago when you walked in front of my car … but now … [[music]] … that car must’ve just disappeared behind me.

Look … I don’t advocate for running anybody over … but somebody like this at least deserves a light tap to remind them that they are on foot and may want to get out of the way of the giant car. I’m just looking for a little hustle, man. Well … that and a straight line. Walk in it.

Moving on Diary …

I understand this is irrational anger … OK … everything in the Anger Diary is irrational anger … so too bad … we’re here now … I hate “mug cake.” That’s right … mug cake! Really I hate any time the kids discover some sort of food and drink concoction online and then start trashing my kitchen with it, but mug cake is the WORST. Because now they basically just dump some flour, sugar, and chocolate into a mug … and onto the counter … and onto the floor. And then heat it up in the microwave to explode everywhere and make a giant mess.

And somehow they think mug cake also defies the laws of snacks and desserts. Two o’clock in the afternoon …

“What are you doing?”

“Making mug cake.”

“It’s two o’clock in the afternoon. That’s not a snack. That’s a dessert.”

“Yeah but it’s mug cake.”

Hate you mug cake! And especially hate you afterward because that black, over-microwaved chocolate never wants to come off any of the mugs. And yes … I know the kids should clean it themselves, but they conveniently “forget” every single time.

If I told them, I’ll give you $20 if you remind me at exactly 8:47 two weeks from next Thursday … oh they got that one memorized … but “rinse your dishes” … [charlie brown mumbles]

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.