Dear Diary …
Oh man … here we go again. That time of year where we all lie to ourselves.
“It’s January and I’m going to start fresh and make all kinds of changes!”
Yeah yeah yeah … feel like I heard this one before.
Ugh it’s so annoying … gotta look at a work refrigerator with a bunch of yogurts in it. See a bunch of randos at the gym. Listen to dumb phrases like “New year … new you!” over and over again.
Look … people … can we just face the facts here? You’re awful. And that’s OK!
I’m not saying I’m any better … I’m awful too, but what DOES make me better is that I am at least honest with myself … recognize that I’m awful … and lean into it.
Let me tell you a story about burritos …
For the longest time, I used to heat up a breakfast burrito for … well … breakfast. Tasty, easy, satisfying. But then one day my stupid brain said, “Boy we should really start the day with something healthy, wealthy, and wise.” And me, since I’m a idiot, listened to my brain and said “No more burritos! We will now have things like yogurt … or oatmeal!”
And I am here to report that after doing that for the last bunch of months … I hate it!
Yogurt is so dumb. Like who in their right mind would say … Hey you know what I want for breakfast? Something white, creamy, and tangy. Barf!
And oatmeal? Who am I … Oliver Twist? Please sir … can I have some more? I don’t wanna feel like I’m eating like poor people from the 1800’s or those sad gray humans who were fighting in the Matrix. Oatmeal and gruel are the same thing … nuff said!
And here’s the other thing … it’s not like I looked any different because of my super amazing sad breakfast of health. I looked exactly the same … just felt less satisfied every morning.
Sooo … I’m going back to burritos!! And guess what? I am eating one right now … and it is delicious … and I am not sorry about it at all!
Stop lying to yourself and acting like you’re some sort of perfect human. Just be the same awful person that you always were … and be the best dang awful person you can be. Like somehow you’ve healed all the woes of the universe because you did Dry January? Cuz all you do is go right back to Wet February anyway … so really … you’re just a fraud for a month and none of us should trust you.
Do YOU wanna trust someone who claims they have changed, but deep down knows that they’re just living a lie and are going to go right back to their old ways in a couple weeks? Of course you don’t.
So to my fellow horrible humans I say this … go out there and be terrible … it’s way more fun and genuine anyway.
Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.