Your Timing Is Terrible

Dear Diary …

I know we like to say, “Never say never,” but sometimes you CAN actually say “never” because I do believe that NEVER in the history of recorded time, has it ever been a good time when your phone, computer, or app wants to do an update.  Never not once!

Would you like to update your software right now?  No!  No I would not!

Shall I remind you in an hour?  No!  No you shall not!

Your timing is the worst.  And you wanna know why?  You only ask when I’m trying to use you!

Here’s a crazy idea … update when I’m NOT using you.  And yes, I know you can set auto updates, and I DO set auto updates, and yet here we still are, dealing with your questions.

That’s the problem … not everything is auto.  Here’s a crazy idea … 1am … when I’m not doing anything … update everything.

“But we need you to click OK on our 4,000 page user agreement”

Good lord … just steal my thumbprint and authorize it on my behalf!  You steal my privacy for everything else already, so why are we doing this song and dance on a giant document we all know darn well I ain’t gonna read anyway.  Just do the update!

Moving on Diary (speaking of bad timing) …Why does every kid on Earth pick the exact same time to make all of their most important and time consuming life decisions ?  Furthermore … we all know what “time” that actually is … Bedtime.

Every single kid wastes away their entire day … and then five minutes before bedtime …

“I think I need to do my entire science project.”

“Maybe I’ll clean the basement, too.”

I mean just SHOCKING that at the time you’re supposed to be going to bed, suddenly NOW you’re inspired to make all of your life’s decisions.  Perhaps you’d like to do your taxes?   Decide on which college you’d like to attend? Map out some solid mutual funds?  All two seconds before bedtime.

But God forbid you do anything at 3pm … that’s prime “iPad time wasting time” … can’t possibly do anything of value then!

And I’ll be honest … the main reason at play here is … I’M TIRED.  I wanna go to bed!  And is it so wrong of me to want like 15 minutes of grown-up, no kid time without you?  Nah … kids are much happier if they suck you dry of all your waking moments from the second your eyes pop open until the second you fall asleep.

And then on the weekends, when I can actually stay up a little later, I have my daughter coming downstairs … “When are you guys going to bed?”

Later!!  What’s it matter to you? Go to sleep!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

You’re Gettin’ Robbed

You’re Gettin’ Robbed

Dear Diary …

The world is full of thieves. People are constantly trying to steal stuff from you … money, personal information, your valuables. Now … a lot these thieves get caught, which is certainly a good thing. And yet … there is one group of thieves that is basically going unpunished, and this is just downright WRONG. Yeah … you know who you are … women and children!

“Oh no! There’s danger! Save the women and children first!”

Oh whatever! You mean “save the thieves first?” Because that’s actually what they are.

Thieves. Specifically “Charger Thieves.”

Men … you can be rest assured … if you have a phone charger and you aren’t guarding it with your life … it will eventually be stolen by some woman or child when they come across it.

In my kitchen we have two chargers. Chargers that are to be used for my kids’ iPads. And with those chargers comes one rule … leave these chargers right here and never take them anywhere else. Oh who am I kidding? There’s no rule. I may TRY to have that rule, but every time I go to that counter … ain’t no chargers there.

Where are the chargers?

“Oh it’s in my room so I could charge my iPad?”

Um … why aren’t you charging it here like you’re supposed to?

“I don’t know”

And where’s the other charger?

“Oh it’s in my car.”

Why aren’t you using your own charger?

“I don’t know.”

Thieves! The whole lot of ‘em. And it doesn’t stop there. They steal mine all the time too. Oh but yours was closer. So? Go get your own ya thief! Because the same thing happens every time … I can’t find the chargers and nobody seems to know where they are or what happened to them.

And if I had to guess … they’re probably in the same place as all those tupperware lids that seem to go missing and are never matched up to any of the containers in the drawer.

You’re a bunch of thieves and you know it!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

I Ain’t Asking For Much

Dear Diary …

As we sit here this morning … not being billionaires because apparently we can’t be the lucky schmuck who wins the lottery .. I just gotta declare on behalf of all of us … C’mon man … I ain’t askin’ for much!

By the way … If you want tips on how to win the lottery, just remember that you gotta buy your ticket from the crappiest and scariest convenience store … in Michigan. Because that’s where the winner always seems to happen. You also gotta be weird lookin’ … probably wear things like checkered shirts and suspenders. And don’t comb your hair. You always want to look a little dumpy when you pick up your prize.

But back to my point … I ain’t asking for much. Ok fine … I’m never gonna win the billion dollar lottery … it’s cool … I can accept that I guess. So in the meantime can I at least get some other lucky benefits in life … like can I stop running over stuff?

That doesn’t feel like I’m asking for much, but apparently it is because I always run over stuff. You can be rest assured that if there’s a nail in the road, I’m gonna be the one to run it over and have it jam into my car tire. And not just nails … last week I had the privilege of being lucky enough to run over a drill bit replacement and have it blast its way into my tire. And yes … I drive on normal roads. You would think I was driving in the middle of a Home Depot with a drill bit in my tire!

I mean you talk about the odds of winning the lottery, but the odds of running over a drill bit replacement AND have it go into your tire gotta be just about the same longshot. But do I win the billion dollar lottery? NAHHHH … I just win the … runnin’ over stuff lottery. Lucky me!

And what the heck is the deal anyway? Where do all these nails come from? Never once in my life have I seen a nail just hanging out, sticking straight up in the road. And yet that seems to be exactly the case every time I run one over. Like how does that even happen.

I should also add that in the same week my wife managed to hit a deer with her car … the second time in a week. So now that’s all jacked up too.

And again … what can possibly be the odds of running over a drill bit replacement … and hitting two deer in the same week … AND having an entire tree fall on your house in the same three month span? But a billion dollars? Nope … those odds are just too impossible to hit. But in this situation … lucky me!

Sweet! I feel so blessed!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Down With Healthy Snacks

Dear Diary …

Last week I made a declaration in the house … we … are going to have … more healthy snack options!

If I’m being honest, I may have just had a little bit of a hissy fit with the kids over their snacks, but I was sick of it. Dang kids will go thru a box Cheezits in a day … bag of Takis in like an hour.  Shoot we bought a bag of these peanut butter chocolate things … gone in less than 24 hours. 

I looked at the package … ten servings.  TEN!  And while I disagree with those dumb serving size suggestions, that’s still way too many.  Plus … I didn’t get none!  No fair!

So I made the decision … that … is IT.  When I go to the store this week I shall be purchasing … healthy snacks.  You don’t like it?  Too bad … you don’t buy or pay for the groceries … so eat a piece of celery and be quiet.

So Diary … I am here to report as we go thru our first week of healthy snack options … it stinks.  I hate it!!!  Man these snacks suck.  Handful of nuts … piece of celery … carrots … BOOOO!!! What am I?  Some kind of animal in a petting zoo? 

And I don’t care what anybody says … these snacks don’t fill you up.  They just leave you sad and unfulfilled … like eating soup for dinner and trying to claim it’s a meal.  [[Hey Monica!]]

And it is just dang disrespectful by God to create us … then create all these wonderful foods .. and then tell us not to eat ‘em and we’re gonna die and to go eat quinoa instead.  Quinoa is even spelled all stupid … how dare you do this to us!

Also … Diary … when it comes to delicious and unhealthy things … there is no bigger downer on earth then when that unhealthy treat isn’t as good as it should be.  I had a burger recently … cold.  Cheese wasn’t even melted. 

So now … here I am eating this underwhelming burger (and yes I ate it because it’s still better than kale) … but now I’m getting all the bad food calories … but none of the bad food enjoyment.  Again … BOOO!!!

And and one more thing God … yeah I’m talkin’ to you … cuz I know you’re listening right now …

Why are burgers like two bites less than they should be?  Every time I eat a wonderful and delicious burger, it’s always done and … mmm … I want like two more bites.  And not a second burger or a second patty or whatever … that’s too much.  Just two more bites.  Is that too much to ask??

And don’t tell me just to get another burger and only eat two bites of it, cuz you and I know that ain’t never gonna happen.  I’ll eat myself grossly full before I let that meat go to waste!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

The Anger Diary That Never Happened

Dear Diary …

I’ve been writing in this Anger Diary for a long long time … and I’ve always had one problem pretty much since I started. And no, that problem isn’t me worrying about having something to write about. Fortunately for me (and unfortunately for the world), there’s always dumb people doing dumb things. So there’s pretty much always something to put in the Anger Diary.

The problem is … people and their “feelings.” There’s all sorts of things I totally want to write about, but I can’t, because the person I wanna call out in the Diary is too sensitive, or is gonna get all butt hurt, or they’re 9 years old and apparently it’s “mean” to put a child on blast in public. Ugh … fine! I won’t do it … but just know that you are totally ruining the enjoyment of everyone else!

Like right now … I have this GREAT Anger Diary I want to write that’s all about [mumbles] and the [mumble mumble] that they did the other day. But I can’t do it because then they’re gonna hear it and be all, “What? Why would you say that about me?”

And then I would have to lie and be all, “Oh no … it’s not true. I was just making that up for the Anger Diary!” When in fact it was TOTALLY true, and now you’re just making me be a liar to preserve your feelings.

That’s the thing man, we’re too sensitive now and I don’t like it. And it’s not that I think we should be mean to each other for no good reason, but if you are a dummy and you’re acting a fool, why can’t I let you know that? You’d think people would WANT to be told that they were doing something stupid so they would stop doing it, but noooooo … now you make one co-worker or kindergartener cry and YOU’RE the bad guy.

Sheesh!

So yeah … this is the Anger Diary today … talking about how there’s something I WANT to talk about, but not actually telling you what it is. Feel unfulfilled? Feel ripped off? Well that’s YOUR fault, cuz you’re “feelings” are the thing that prevented this from happening.

And now I’m totally still gonna have to lie because everybody I know is now gonna say “so who was it that you wanted to talk about … was it me?” Nooo … of course not … it was totally somebody else.

(It was you.)

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Don’t Nanny State Me

Dear Diary …

I am a responsible person. I do the right thing. I take the right precautions. I’m cool with that.

BUT … I don’t wanna be told to do those things.

I don’t need big businesses and the government “Nanny State-ing” me and always telling me what to do. Oh and I know they’ll be all, “We just want you to be safe because we love you so much.” Bull pucky!

Like for example … I wear my seatbelt. I wanna be safe in the car and in case I get in an accident, I wanna be protected. Heck, I’ve BEEN in an accident, so I definitely wanna have my seatbelt on. But what I don’t need is this …

{ALARM SOUND}

This is the alarm … in my car when you don’t wear your seatbelt.

And it just keeps getting faster … and louder … and more annoying … and does … not … STOP!!!

OK it does actually stop … but only after five minutes of that torture (I sat thru it to find out).

So here’s the thing … I wear my seat belt … I think everybody should wear their seat belt … but that alarm makes me NOT WANT TO WEAR MY SEATBELT simply because I don’t wanna be told what to do by some stupid alarm.

Cuz here’s the thing … you don’t wanna wear your seatbelt? Fine. I don’t really care. It doesn’t change my day … but neither of us should have to deal with ding-dong the annoying robot alarm simply because a car manufacturer is trying to cover their own butt if you get in an accident, “Well we have an alarm so they wear it!”

Don’t Nanny State me!

My car also does this … if you’re driving for an extended period of time … like I went to South Carolina a couple weeks ago … this little bell goes off and then on the console it says, “Would you like to take a break?”

No I would not like to take a break. I am trying to get somewhere and make good time. Do you not understand the importance of making good time? I’m not tooling along the road … wandering aimlessly and looking to stop at a lovely country store that I drive past. Leave me alone!

There’s no need for these warnings because there’s already two kinds of people in the world … the responsible ones and the irresponsible ones. The responsible ones are already doing the responsible things. And the irresponsible ones? They’re NEVER gonna listen and I’m sorry to be cold here … but shouldn’t we lose a few of them along the way to make all of our lives easier anyway? Why we going out of our way to protect the stupid? Unnecessary!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Eat Drink and Sit

Eat Drink and Sit

Dear Diary …

I enjoy me a beach vacation. Granted … sand is kinda just … awful and sandy … but it’s all part of the experience. The sun … the surf … the smell of the ocean air … I’m cool with all that. However, there is one thing that is totally ruining the beach going experience. And it doesn’t even have to be a thing.

I mean I don’t know about you, but I go to the beach to eat, drink, and sit. That’s what you’re supposed to do, right? It’s a time to leave everyday hassles behind and just enjoy a different life for a couple days. Which is why I don’t need you people who are doing all kinds of exercisin’ at the beach. What is wrong with you? I thought the whole point was to get AWAY from everyday life? I mean do you go inside and open your mail and pay bills while you’re at it?

I was just at the beach recently and in the morning I’m on my way to the store … and to be clear I’m on my way to the store because I have leftover mac and cheese and pulled pork BBQ and I need to buy tortillas so I can make awesomely ooey gooey BBQ pork and mac and cheese quesadillas. And beer. Needed more beer.

So what I don’t need is to look up and see some guy standing on the deck of his beach house doing all sorts of exercises. He’s got those rubber band tension band thingies and he’s just standing there with his arms pushed all the way out … and just holdin’ it. Not to mention he’s dressed like a fluorescent green traffic cone so he’s REALLY going out of his way to be all, “Look at ME! I’m exercising at the BEACH!”

Alright look here Mr. Universe … you’re not better than me just because you’re still “gettin’ a workout in” while you’re on vacation. Truth is you’re probably better than me for a lot of reasons because I’m awful … but this isn’t one of them!!!

And for as bad as that person in, the people who go running on the actual beach are even worse. Because now I’m sittin’ there doing my … you know … eat drink and sit like I’m supposed to go … I got them all right in front of me runnin’ around with their little fanny pack water bottles … keep looking at their watch like they’re timing themselves for a race or something.

Get outta here with this! I don’t come to the gym and sit down next to you and eat a pizza because that’s your “workout zone.” So I don’t need to see you doing a bunch of lunges here in the “eat drink and sit zone.”

C’mon people! Somtimes it’s OK to just … be BAD and have some fun. Stupid work and chores and the gym will be there when you get back. Eat drink and sit!!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

The Streak Is Over

The Streak Is Over

Dear Diary …

I hate technology!

OK, it’s not that I hate ALL technology … I mean it’s pretty dang sweet to be able to watch every single scoring play on a football Sunday without ever changing the channel, but what I hate is technology that is just meant to control us and mess with us.

I hate streaks!

And curse the gaming and social media world for figuring out that the human brain is obsessed with “streaks” even when they are completely meaningless. Like why am I over here all mad and depressed just because I forgot to do the Wordle ONE TIME. It’s not that I even got it wrong, I just happened to have REAL LIFE things go on so I didn’t have time to roll around in word play fantasy land.

But now I gotta wear the scarlet letter of shame because my streak is done and there’s no going back. And yeah, you can start over, but who the heck wants to start over?

And you see how stupid this whole thing is? This streak is completely meaningless!

I’m a dork that plays Candy Crush … and every time I don’t play for a day I get bonked all the way back down the ladder to day one. And really, I should be PROUD of myself that I didn’t play Candy Crush for a day because … let’s be honest … I’m a loser that I’m playing it this often in the first place!

Stupid streaks!

I also hate apps. And mainly the fact that every single thing out there thinks they gotta have an app now. I don’t need a million apps on my phone … some things can be perfectly fine just using a regular ol’ browser. Or how about this? How about using nothing at all?

I had to put together a TV stand recently and instead of it coming with a piece of paper with the instructions … I had to go download an app, find my TV stand in a list of 7 billion products, and sit there staring at my phone to go thru every step.

Uhh … hello? Piece of paper? Piece of paper is cheap. You didn’t need to spend a million dollars on some stupid app that I don’t even want and will delete as soon as I’m done. And God forbid these people figure out that if they set some sort of streak option for “number of days in a row you’ve assembled a TV stand,” well now I’m gonna be totally hooked and angry about it.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

New Clothes Season

New Clothes Season

Dear Diary …

Now that we’re all knee deep in Back to School I can say this … there is never a good time to wear new clothes. Especially as an adult.

We recently did a little outlet mall run for some Back to School shopping, but I of course did a little shoppin’ for myself to celebrate back to … uh … Tuesday or wherever. Look … when you go to the outlet malls sometimes you’re just legally obligated to buy certain things.

We went into Old Navy to look for some stuff for my son and there right in front of me was a pair of shorts … in my size … for $8. And maybe you don’t agree, but I believe you HAVE to buy $8 shorts when they are presented to you. That’s like practically free. For $8 they’re borderline disposable shorts that you could wear for a week and then throw in the garbage.

Anyway … I buy the $8 shorts and a pile of other stuff at a couple different stores and then I immediately face the dilemma … When do you actually wear this stuff?

The temptation is to just wear it the very next day. It’s new. You’re excited to have new stuff. It’s … CLEAN and you probably don’t wanna do laundry. But I always feel like the biggest dork in the world if I wear it the next day. To me, I feel no different than “Concert T-shirt Guy” who goes to a concert, buys a t-shirt at the merch counter, and then IMMEDIATELY puts it on and walks around. Yup … here at the concert … provin’ that I’m at the concert!

And when you have new clothes, the next day everybody you see makes you feel like a dork too … “Oh look at you! Somebody got new clothes!” Oh Lord.

But … if I wait … well then I feel stupid too. I got these new clothes I’m all excited about and they’re just sittin’ there while I wear some dumb polo that’s a couple years old. And I blame other people. One …. Because as we’ve all learned in society and social media … nobody actually blames THEMSELVES for anything. Blah! That’s just dumb! And two … it is everyone else’s fault because now they say, “Oh did you just get new clothes?”

Nah … I got ‘em a while back but this is my first time wearing them.

“First time?? What’s wrong with you??? What are you waitin’ for???”

And that brings up the real lesson of today … other people are annoying. They’re just the worst. Always around … doin’ stuff and talkin’ or just … you know … existing.

Now I of course don’t mean YOU, person listening to this right now. I mean OTHER people. Man I love that loophole. “Well you don’t mean ME right?”

NOOOO!!! Other people!!! Never you!!!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Big Wakeup Call

Dear Diary …

Hey everyone!!! How’s it going? Remember me … your old friend Zack Jackson? Yup I’m still here … and still angry … but I’m also learning so much about the world.

Did you know that people are actually awake at two o’clock in the afternoon? And awake in a way where they don’t feel like their face is melting off because they haven’t been awake since 3:30 in the morning? Amazing!

And you know what? Let’s just get this whole thing out in the open because I have BREAKING NEWS! Yup … hit the breaking news sound effect [[breaking news sound effect]]]

I … Zack Jackson … woke up at 6:30 this morning.

And I’ll be honest … I have no idea why this is breaking news, but it is, because it’s the question EVERY … SINGLE … HUMAN asks me when I see them.

“Hey … Zack … great to see you! What time did you get up this morning?”

Never in my life have I asked about another person’s bedtime or wake-up. Ok … I take that back … never in my life have I asked it about a person over the age of four. When there’s babies involved, that’s pretty much all you ever talk about …

“Well we put him down at 7, and then it takes 13 minutes with his ba-ba and then another 11 of rocking him, and then he’ll sleep for 3 hours and 14 minutes, and then he’s up for 42, then back down.”

But again … he’s one. Also … that topic is really boring.

Actually … can we all just be really honest with each other for a second? People with really little kids are the worst people on Earth to talk to.

Don’t get me wrong … they’re not bad people at all … they probably used to be fun. And there’s a decent chance they’ll be fun again some day. But right now? Man they suuuuuuck.

All they ever talk about is naptime, dirty diapers, and Cocomelon. Bo-RING! This is why they always hang out in Mom groups and play dates and stuff … because ain’t nobody else on earth that wants to listen to these things.

And let me be clear … I an FULLY aware that when I had kids that age, I also sucked. Good Lord, I think back to some of the things I would say and do, and even I hate myself.

But look at me now … all awesome again!

And to recap … so I can hopefully never have this conversation again …

Yes … I wake up at 6:30 now.

And no … your body doesn’t “get used to” waking up at 3:30 in the morning. I dunno … does your body “get used to” if somebody kicks you in the privates every morning? I bet it doesn’t! So no … I don’t just magically wake up at that God Awful time just for the heck of it.

So now we gotta find a new topic for small talk people … Cuz Uncle Zack’s bedtime is now off the table.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.