The Great Doo Doo Fly War

Dear Diary …

I’m under attack. You know what? I’m at war! And this is a frustrating war, because just when I think I’m winning the war … the enemy keeps growing and coming back for more. Now I know this sounds like the war on terrorism, which I guess it kinda is, but this terrorist hits even closer to home. In fact … it’s IN my home where The Great Doo Doo Fly War rages on.

Now some people call it the house fly … whatever. They say “you are what you eat,” and these things love to eat doo doo. So they are doo doo flies.

And thanks to another one of our lovely Southwest Virginia summers where it’s 95 degrees every day with 98% humidity and yet no chance of rain, we are just one big steaming pile of hot doo doo. Oh the flies love that … it’s like the world’s biggest Old Country Buffet to them. So they’re everywhere.

Now I’m fightin’ the good fight … me and my dishrag … I can swat the heck outta some doo doo flies. Heck … I Mr. Miyagi’d one last night … caught that thing with my bare hand. And they say war changes a man and makes him do crazy things … I was so jacked up by that I darn near tossed the thing in my mouth and ate ‘em to send a message to the rest of the doo doo fly army.

I will say this … if the The Great Doo Doo Fly War ends with a trial , where I face allegations of war crimes … yeah I’m goin’ to jail. Cuz I’m racking up an impressive list of war kills.

But here’s the thing with these doo doo flies … They keep coming. Diary … I killed like 10 of ‘em yesterday. I go to bed. Wake up in the morning. Get ready to get in the shower. Doo Doo fly.

Where the heck are they coming from? I don’t keep doo doo in my house. Shoot … I pay a housekeeper and she’s awesome. So why are they constantly around? I’ll tell you why … because every time you open a door even a tiny crack, these things … BZZZZZ … Right into the house like a precision missile. Of course, all that precision immediately goes away as they … [[[BZZZ]]] [[[Donk bonk donk]]] all over every window of your house. I’m over it! Man I’m excited for fall.

OK … moving on Diary … I need to alert you of a new scam. This is one of the ones your little demon children try to pull on ya … so parents need to be on high alert.

My two kids have figured out a new scam called “change your mind at the last minute.” Here’s how it works …

My son … he’s three. Other night, he gets to pick his dessert after dinner … so he picks a lollipop. He proceeds to eat most of the lollipop, and then [[CRUNCH]] … says “Actually … I changed my mind. I want a different dessert.”

Oh hell no … you can’t be changin’ your mind now, we are WELL past that!

Both kids do it with the TV too … since they can’t possibly agree on a show, I have to let them take turns. So they’ll pick one of their dorky shows, watch 90% of it, and then “Actually I don’t want to watch this … I want to pick something else.”

You know … here’s what I’m learning … I look stupid. It’s gotta be it. I never thought I looked stupid before, but clearly I present the image of “Grade A Moron,” since that’s what my kids seem to think they’re dealing with.

I don’t know what I need. How do you get rid of idiot face? Botox? Will that help me look less dumb? Otherwise, they’re gonna keep trying to pull this scam on dodo me.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.