The Nutella Scam

Dear Diary …

I come to you today to expose a SCAM that is going on right underneath your nose. You are being lied to, taken advantage of, and ripped off. Because Nutella is NOT a snack … it is a DESSERT!!!

Children are scamming us parents and they’re using Nutella against us as a way to sneak extra desserts into their lives. I mean … my daughter already gets TWO desserts. Every day! One after lunch and one after dinner. And now when she comes home from school I get, “Could I have Nutella toast for my snack?”

No! Nutella is a dessert!

“No it isn’t. It’s a snack.”

I don’t know who told you that, but just because it’s got a picture of a nut on the jar, that don’t make it a snack.

Let me ask you this … would you give your kid a piece of toast with chocolate cake frosting on it and call it a snack? I’m hoping your answer is no … right?

OK good … then let me point something out to you … Nutella has more calories, more fat, and more sugar than cake frosting.

So if anything, you should be trying to scam me into thinking that cake frosting is a snack … not Nutella! Look … it’s delicious … I agree. But it’s NOT a snack. You’re little scam is over with.

Moving on Diary … Here’s a phrase I would like banned from the English language … “I didn’t mean to.”

And this applies in particular to children because I hear this one ALL the time when they spill something, drop something, break something, or whatever.

“Yeah but I didn’t mean to.”

Yes … I understand that accidents happen, but you should also be more careful and try not to set yourself up for failure.

For example … we got this BIG painting that hangs over the couch in our living room. And the other day my daughter is jumping and flailing around on the couch … tosses her head back, and knocks the whole gigantic painting off the wall. Luckily I was there to catch it, so I didn’t end up with a cartoon-like situation where it falls right through her head and the painting is completely ruined.

“But I didn’t mean to!”

I know you didn’t MEAN to, but that doesn’t make it a total accident. I can guarantee you that I could sit on that couch every day for the next 100 years, and this isn’t going to happen to me because I’m not going to fling my arms all over the place and jerk my head back like a Pez dispenser when I sit down.

I’m just going to sit. Normally. So the picture is never going to fall off.

I’m also never going to spill my bowl of Cheezits all over the floor because I’m not going to carry the bowl on the tips of my fingers while I toss the bowl all over the place and carelessly run through the house. I might spill ‘em cuz I’m drunk, but that’s the only time.

I don’t know what it is about kids carrying food and drink where they just think they can hold it in any ridiculous way they want and there won’t be any consequences. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve given my son a plate of food to carry and he immediately tilts the whole thing forward and spills it on the floor. What did you think would happen if you did that you dodo?

And yes, you’re four, so you haven’t taken a physics class yet, so I get it if it happens once. Maybe twice. But after that, your tiny brain should be able to say say, “hey maybe I shouldn’t tip my plate while I carry it around.”

“But I didn’t mean to!”

Outta here with that. Till next time Diary, I say … goodbye