The World Needs a Charger

Dear Diary …

With the announcement of the new iPhone last week, there were a bunch of new features, but the message that stands out above all else is this … now there’s one more thing we need a charger for.  Headphones … you know … with a cord … you just plug ‘em in and you’re done. Wireless headphones … well those need a battery and now you gotta charge ‘em.’

And this isn’t “Dump on the iPhone Time” … let me be clear … I bought one. I’m excited.

This is a growing just trend throughout the world … everything needs a charger.

Phone. Charger.

iPad. Charger.

Watch. Charger.

Speakers. Charger.

Heck I saw a pair of SHOES the other day that lit up on the bottom. And guess what? You gotta plug ‘em into your computer to charge ‘em. Everything needs a charger.

And this is my nightmare, because my life is totally ruled by battery power. I’m obsessed with it, and I stress out about it when I don’t have it.

“Oh my God, I’m at 83% and it’s only 8:30 in the morning, how am I gonna make it thru the day?”

“Oh my God, I got 37% and it’s 5pm and I gotta go out tonight and how am I gonna make it thru the night?” AHHHH!!!!

This is my brain all the time now. They say people check their phones 100 times a day, and I totally do. But it isn’t to check for texts or emails, I don’t care about you people, it’s simply to see how much battery percentage I have left.

And at least on my phone, there’s a little number that tells me.. On these smaller things like speakers and headphones …. There ain’t no percent bar for me to even look at, and now I just gotta sit there and worry …

“Oh my God, I think I listened for 45 minutes today, do I have enough to make it thru one more trip the gym?”

And don’t you gimme this “Just charge it more often” … I got 247 things plugged in … I ain’t go no more outlets! My shoes are charging for crying out loud!

And furthermore, these stupid batteries start crappin’ out on ya if you charge ‘em too often. My son has a tablet. Used to last 6 hours. Now it’s two and a half. Diary … that’s three and a half more hours a day I’m expected to parent him! [[Ugh]]

Hey I like all the wireless technology … I’m all for it. We just need to invent a battery that never goes dead. Like ever. I don’t think that’s too much to ask!

OK moving on Diary … Let me call this section “Things That Shouldn’t Exist Because They Are Dumb and Useless.”

Battery that never goes dead … we need that.

Fine point pens on the other hand … NEVER should exist.

Nobody needs these things … they are too pointy and rippy on your paper, and they leave all those ugly ink globules all over the place too. They shouldn’t even be allowed to sell ‘em.

Same goes for a medium firmness toothbrush. What kind of robot metal mouth can even stand to use those gum rippers? Also, no dentist in my life has ever recommended them. This ain’t like four out of five dentists recommending Trident … It’s ALL of them. They all recommend SOFT. So why does medium even exist?

If they don’t work right and nobody should use them … nobody should be allowed to sell them either. Just about every plumber on Earth will tell you to basically never put anything down your garbage disposal because it will eventually just clog the drain. So again, garbage disposal people … either make one that works, you don’t exist anymore. End of story!

Till next time Diary, I say goodbye.