Dear Diary …
I need to apologize in advance. Because Diary … I try not to burden you with the really big problems in my life. I like to come in here and say little things like, “People who go to yard sales don’t know how to drive,” or “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is really lame,” but today I’m dealing with real adversity.
And I’ve been trying my best to overcome it … to persevere … to fight through this difficult time in my life. But I can’t hide it from you any more Diary … I simply must confess to you that the question mark and exclamation point are WAY too close to each other on my phone, and it keeps totally ruining my text message conversations!
And don’t you be all “Hey … that’s not serious!” Because I don’t think you understand … it’s making me sound WAY too excited in my conversations.
Just the other day … with a work friend … I meant to text “Meet up later?” Nice … polite question. Only problem is I accidentally hit the exclamation point. So now I’m shouting at them “MEET UP LATER!!!” Who would want to meet up with such a demanding person? I would not.
So you can see how this one little piece of punctuation can totally distort a conversation.
Another time recently my wife texted me … I was busy. So I meant to say, “Busy. Call you in 10 minutes?” But instead … my fat thumb again throws in an exclamation point … and here I am yelling at the mother of my children “CALL YOU IN 10 MINUTES!!!” I’m not a good husband and a loving father any more … that was for the question mark guy. Now I’m some exclamation point jerkbag who yells at his wife in a text message.
So now you see … real adversity. That’s it … I’m gonna have to throw this phone away or this exclamation point is gonna leave me divorced and friendless.
OK in the meantime … moving on Diary … I’ve brought this up before, but I feel the need to do it again, because it keeps happening. So here’s what I’m gonna do … I’m gonna give you a test where you can find out who your real friends are. Because some people … oh you think they’re your friend … but when push comes to shove … they ain’t your friend.
Actually I should say “When lift comes to shove,” because it’s about helping a friend move. And if you’re thinking to yourself “Yeah that’s right Zack … You find out who your real friends are when you’re moving and you ask for help, cuz your REAL friends show up!”
No no no no no … You got this all backwards, Junior. You find out who your real friends are because real friends don’t ask their friends to help them move. That’s what movers are for!
Cuz if you’ve if you’ve never moved, let me let you in on a little secret … It’s the worst thing. EVER! E-VER. Who forces their friends to take part in the worst thing ever? Bad friends … that’s who!
I mean … Wouldn’t you think it was ridiculous if your friend called you and said … “Hey my lawn needs to be mowed … come over and do it for me!” You would never do that. Meanwhile moving is about a million times worse than mowing a lawn. Don’t do that for your friends.
“Hey we’ll feed you with pizza!”
Oh that’s a fair trade! You are aware that there’s a lunch buffet where I can eat as much pizza as I want for 5 dollars … right? And they don’t make me lift any boxes while I’m there!
Help you move … Yeah … Away. Fake friend don’t need to be posing as my real friend in the first place. Enjoy your new neighborhood!
Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye