Dear Diary …
As anyone who owns a house knows … there’s always one guarantee of ownership … stuff is gonna break. All the time. It just is. No matter what you do or don’t do … no matter how old or new your house is … things are still gonna break and need to be fixed.
But today … A-HA! … I think I might have the solution and things will NEVER break again in your house. I know … this is unbelievable, but I think I’ve unlocked the secret. And here it is …
If you are the man of the house … never leave the house. It’s that simple.
Cuz what I’ve learned is that things only break in the house when I’m not home. I know this because I … like every other man on Earth … find out about things being broken when our wives call us to let us know that things are broken.
Diary … I’m telling you right now … nothing’s ever broken in my home when I’ve been there. Roof’s never leaked, pilot light’s never gone out, pipes never “make that funny noise” … I only hear about those things in phone calls from my wife.
Just last week … “Um … the television picture is broken. There’s sound … just no picture. I don’t know WHAT happened … I didn’t touch ANYTHING!”
Yep … I know what happened … I left. And furthermore … ladies … I’m not blaming you. (OK I’m blaming you.) But I’m just trying to understand … how does this stuff always happen when the dude isn’t home and it’s just poor, innocent you, victim of the evil collapsing house? You see how this looks from the outside, right? I mean, it can’t just be the most amazing coincidence in the history of mankind that things only break when you’re there. Can it?
I’m not mad … I’m just confused. Does the house hate you? Or are you just breaking stuff on purpose to get new stuff? Just give us the truth!
OK … moving on Diary …
Here’s something I’d like to put an end to on Facebook. OK … really I’d like to put an end to Facebook, but I know that ain’t happening. (At least not yet)
Anyway … what I’d like to put an end to today are the people who take insignificant events and try to celebrate them as actual events. And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, here’s an example … saw this one in my feed the other day … and I’ll keep you anonymous, but you know who you are … you’re the one who said …
“Today is officially three months away from the one year anniversary of me and my amazing girlfriend. I love her SO much!!”
Awww … that’s so cute. THAT’S NOT AN EVENT!
That’s a countdown to an event … in three months. That’s the event!
“Big day today … this proud Mommy is celebrating one month until little Mellman’s second birthday.”
Again … not an event. Also, I know Mellman isn’t an actual name … but if I say “Logan” then Logan’s Mommy gets mad at me, so we’ll stick with Mellman.
Hey … you wanna celebrate Mellman’s second birthday? Great! But that’s for the actual birthday. The countdown to the birthday? Not an event!
I hate to break it to you, but we do not care that it’s 17 days till you leave for the beach … Or 11 more weeks until it’s 6 days after the first date you had with your husband of 4 years, but not the anniversary which is 14 days from that October we went to Myrtle Beach together but still a month and a half before he decided to finally pop the question. Don’t care!!!
The event is the event … the countdown is for you to quietly do in your own head. Shhhhh!
Till next time Diary … which is 7 days away from the one week anniversary of the last time I wrote in you … I say … Goodbye.