Bouncy House Purgatory

Dear Diary …

We’re at that time of the year where there’s a lot of events going on … fun events with cool things to do, eat, and drink. And these events are, of course, always trying to do things to get you to come to them. That makes total sense. But with that in mind, I have a message for all of these events … and I think I speak for parents everywhere … Stop having bouncy houses at your events. We hate them!

I know you mean well when you do it, and you think “We’ll have a kids’ zone and it’ll have a bouncy house. Kids love bouncy houses!”

Yes … kids do love bouncy houses. That’s the problem … they love bouncy houses way too much.

So when you have them at your event … yeah you know all those other cool things you have going on? Well we parents don’t get to do any of them because we are trapped in bouncy house purgatory all day long.

I mean … have you ever in your life seen a child happily leave a bouncy house?


Yeah … that’s more like it.

Cuz no child says, “Sure thing Mom and Dad, I’d love to stand next to you and do nothing while you enjoy the beer tent.”

Children don’t care about our happiness. We are just old fossils with wallets that can take them to bouncy houses and buy them ice creams.

“Oh it’s so sweet to see the innocence and happiness of a child.” Sure … of course they’re happy … Cuz that’s the only thing they care about. Your happiness? Pfffft … Take me to the bouncy house and shut your old mouth old man! Real easy to be happy when all you care about is you.

OK … Moving on Diary … Speaking of this time of year, it’s also a time where lots of people go on vacation. That’s awesome that we live in a county where many of us are able to do that. And if you are one of the lucky ones, I encourage you to do one thing when you go on vacation … Actually go and be on vacation. Cuz all you’re doing right now is posting on social media about your vacation.

“Waking up at the condo” … Here’s a picture.

“Breakfast on the porch” … Here’s a picture.

“Having a drink” … Here’s a picture.

I don’t know why these people feel like they gotta prove something to the rest of us.

Here’s a crazy idea … just sit there and actually enjoy your vacation. Because when all you’re doing now is excessively posting about your vacation, you’re not actually experiencing anything. And furthermore, you do realize that all you’re doing is rubbing it in to everybody you know who isn’t on vacation, right? Not to mention the fact that you’re freely advertising, “Hey really far away from home right now in case you wanna steal our television!”

Look vacationer … We already put up with two months of you counting down, 47 days till the beach … Now you’re gone, and we still have to hear about it! Shut it down and actually enjoy yourself.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Summertime is Hell

Dear Diary …

Summer time is here … Which you can probably tell by the fact that IT’S HOT! And not “Anna Kendrick Hot” … More like “Live inside a gigantic lasagna, sweaty buttcrack sorta hot.” Oh I hate the hot. The whole world just has a nasty smarm on it. Everywhere you go, it’s just gross.

And even worse … the kids are all sweaty and ornery … and … just … around. Ugh. Diary … they’re just there. All the time.

That’s what I’m learning as an adult is the worst part about summer … No school. Sure … that was the best part when you were young. And kiddoes … soak it up while you got it. Because when you grow up and have kids of their own … Summertime is just one long, hot, sweaty fight between siblings.

We’re like two weeks in to the summer and I’m already convinced that one of my kids is gonna defeat the other one in some sort of Game of Thrones-style battle. And if I’m being honest, I’m not really helping since just last night I *may* have said “The two of you just fight to the death and let me know who wins.” I can’t take it anymore! They’re just actually laying on top of each other to drive each other insane.

And speaking of the fighting … Diary … they fight about the dumbest, least significant things on Earth. Yesterday’s fight? Who gets to open the door to the driveway. The two of the grabbing for the doorknob all “GNAHHH GNAHHH GNAHHH … I wanna open the door!”


“But I was here first”

I hate that claim by the way. Like the world is just one big game of calling “Shotgun,” and as long as you say you were first, that’s all that matters. I don’t care who was first. You’re fighting over a doorknob!!!!!

Man, I gotta think even if you go to war-torn Taliban and ISIS areas of this world would be like … “Ok enough with the doorknob, this is ridiculous.”

Diary … I don’t think we’re gonna make it thru the summer. Add in the fact that my son, he’s three, which means he’s chock full of attitude, he’s got this new thing where in addition to just being a stinker all the time, he’s now getting Mommy and Daddy specific with his demands.

Like yesterday, I’m sitting on the couch … “Daddy I want milk.”

My wife … in the kitchen at the time … says “Ok, Ill get you milk.”

“No! I want Daddy do it! You get me milk!”

Well hello there little dictator! I ain’t getting up and getting you milk when somebody else is already in there who can get you the same exact milk.

“No … you do it!”
:::SNIFF::: Diary … I’m not gonna make it. It’s hot .. and these children are mean! I’m going crazy … I’m not gonna make it! :::SNIFF:::

Man I love fall.

Already taunting me. Their book bags … hanging on those hooks … just saying “Send me back to school, pleeeeease!”

Man I miss fall.

Till next time Diary, I say, goodbye.

Lazy Brain and Double Standards

Dear Diary …

As we all make our way through this world, there are so many challenges and obstacles to overcome. People … opportunities … shoot even just bad luck. And as if all of those things aren’t hard enough, then you gotta deal with your biggest enemy of them all … yourself. Specifically … your brain.

Man … why your brain gotta do you like that? You work so hard to overcome all these other things … and you’d think your own brain would be Team You, but that dastardly veiny little thing is the worst!

For example … Diary … as I write in you write now … You know what I wanna do? Not this! All my brain says is … “I’m tired. I’m hungry. I wanna do something else.”

Now … at 5am … when I was busy with all sorts of other things … My brain was all gung-ho “Hey … I wanna write in the Anger Diary! MHAHAHAAHH!!!”

It always wants to do something else. I bring up 5am, because that’s the time my brain really wants to go to the gym. Can’t go then, but later in the day, when I’m done with work and can actually go to the gym …

“I’m tired. I’m hungry. I wanna do something else.”

I tell you what … I think my brain is messing with me at 5am because it KNOWS I can’t go to the gym them. It doesn’t REALLY wanna go to the gym, it just toys with my emotions at a time that it knows it can get away with it.”

Cuz guess what? On Saturday at 5am … “I’m tired. I’m hungry. I wanna do something else.”

You little jerk!

Oh and forget being on a diet … your brain starts off all “Yeah … we can totally do this. Mind over matter!”

Then as soon as he gets the chance “Mmmm … potato chip … Potato chip … Om nom nom!”

Mind over matter. We all need to start rootin’ for matter, cuz mind is screwin’ us over!

OK … moving on Diary …

Double standards … You know, where one rule is applied to one group of people, but is then different for another group … Yeah, they’re wrong for the most part.

I mean, like, I as a man think it’s crap that a woman can pretty much do whatever she wants if the man in her relationship has “wronged” her. Key his car, burn his stuff, trash his reputation. It’s all fair game. And not only is it OK … there’s songs written about it that make people lots of money.

Oh but flip that around and man does all those things to his girlfriend … Hello prison!

It goes both ways though. Women … you should be furious at the double standard that men can hook up with as many chicks as they want … and they’re a stud. YOU do that … Everybody says you got herpes. Totally unfair!

That said … some double standards are OK.

Like when you’re a parent and dealing with kids … You’re totally allowed to pull that “Do as I say, not as I do” card. Like the other day, my son wanted his iPad. Well guess what … It wasn’t iPad time. And pay no attention to the fact that I was using an iPad while I was telling him this. Rule don’t count for Daddy. I paid my dues. And I paid for iPads. So step off!

Another time double standards are OK are with words. I know they’re just words, but when crafted together, they can become very powerful. That’s why I think it’s important to have double standards with them. Like … women can say certain words, while men absolutely should not say the same words.

“I sleep naked.”

When a woman says that … Bravo sister! Girl power! You are cute!

A man? Ewww. Like your whole house to me is a motel bedspread. No thank you!

Here’s another one …

“I just love children.”

Yeah … I don’t need to elaborate there.

“Spoon me.”

No self-respecting man on Earth would say “spoon me.” So yeah … sometimes a double standard is perfectly OK.

Till next time Diary, I say … goodbye.